Hi...
New poster but serious question. Well.. yeah, anyway. My boyfriend and I were in a long distance relationship for a few years. Whenever we met up with each other, we never stopped having sex. We did it all the time. Whenever I didn't feel like it, he would try and persuade me by saying that he showed his affection and emotion through sex. If felt that if it was that important to him, we should do it.
Now we're living together and since he moved in, he's been wanting to have sex less and less. First it was three times a week. Then once a week. Then once every two weeks. Now it's once a month and the sex only lasts for a few minutes. He seems fine with this. We've talked and argued and nearly broken up about it. I'm very unhappy. I've asked if it's because I'm too fat or if it's because he regrets moving here. Or if it's because of some issue he's never discussed before. He just says it's because he had to go so long without having regular sex that it's just not imporatant anymore. Which seems like a cop out to me, but now when I bring it up, he gets insulted and hurt. I'm at my wits end. He won't touch me, he won't be intimate. He says he loves me. I'm not seeing it.
I don't know what to do.

Maybe he is cheating on you.
How old is he maybe he just doesn't fill like it right now.
People do have cycles they go through when it comes to sex.

There are a lot of things to look at when it comes to sex.
But both parties have to be willing to discuss it.
You need to sit down and have a rational discussion.

It can not turn into an argument.
Or you will not accomplish anything.
If he is not willing to do this I would think that he is cheating.

I hope I'm wrong - but it sounds like he might be cheating on you. Most men want it all of the time. Or - there could be something wrong with him medically. Either way something is not right.

And your worries about being too fat are not rational. We all have ups and downs with our weight - and when someone really loves us - they don't care about things like that. So, if you get anything out of this forum - get that you are beautiful & deserve for someone to show you affection.

If I were you I would sit him down & have a heart to heart talk & tell him specifically what you are worried about. Tell him that once a month just doesn't work for you. If you are convinced that he is not cheating on you - maybe try to put sexy notes in his lunch or pocket when he goes to work - wear sexy lingerie, etc. Try to spice it up. If he doesn't respond & he is against going & seeing a doctor - then I probably would not stay in the relationship. I know that's probably not what you want to hear - but if there is not anything wrong with him medically - then I would be very worried.

Good Luck & may God guide you to do what makes you happy.

I saw your post and felt I had to reply. I kind of know what you are going through. My boyfriend and I have been together for about 4 months now. We met online and he ended up moving from California to Washington to live with me. At first we took it slow, then had sex quite often. It was fun and new. Now, I'm lucky to get sex once a week.

I've tried to tell him how I feel, but, I don't know that it's really getting through to him. I've tried to explain how I feel and yet I'm unable to really come out and say how I truly feel about it. He has said that he feels that waiting long periods between sex makes it better when we do finally have sex.

I've told him that I've felt sexually frustrated and he just doesn't say anything. I don't know what to do. I love everything about him except for this. I've run through the gamit of emotions and thoughts of it being my fault. But, I don't think it is my fault, or yours. He says he loves me, but I NEED the affection and love. I need him to SHOW me. I feel guilty when he tells me that sex isn't everything. But, damn if it ain't important in a relationship. I feel unhappy a lot and I don't know what to do.

I guess this lengthy post is just to say, I know how you feel. Good luck and if you find out a way to fix this kink in your relationship, please let me know!

This is exactly what I am going through now with my boyfriend. We have been together for a year, and it wasn't until now, that this has became a huge problem for us. We have been fighting for months now. One thing I can say to keep me from thinking he's cheating, is that in the beginning of our relationship, he never pressed me for sex like other men that I've dated in the past. I was always warned to watch out for men who were sex maniacs, because most likely if they hound you for sex all the time, then they are hounding someone else for it when they can't get it from you.
Anyway, whenever the situation comes up, his answer is because he works so hard (in which he does), and sex is one of the last things he thinks about when he comes home so tired. He also mentioned to me that us living together plays a big part in him not having a huge hunger in having sex with me, because though he loves me just the same as I do, he doesn't miss me. We began having a lot of sex again when he went away for a week. But then again, a few weeks later, it went right back to once or twice a month. Whatever the case may be, its hurting me and I'm sure you feel just the same. It makes me feel as if my life (wants, needs, and/or desires) or not as important as his. And that is not fair. Its hard not to say anything, but its just as hard when I do say something, because when we finally have sex, its not passionate. Its like he's doing me a favor, and I know he can't feel good, because I know he's thinking of all my bickering about the topic. No one wins!

Another assumption of mines is that he can possibly be gay. I know it's a little out there, but this is New York and this is the year 2006. We have all heard of men married with children, and being gay.
I love him dearly. If I didn't love him so much, I woudn't give a damn, dump his , and move to the next.

None of which I am saying is to hurt you or give you reasons to break up. Honestly its just so you can realize that you are not the only woman who is going through this kind of relationship turmoil. A suggestion I can give you is to leave it alone for a little bit. Take up some other personal activities to keep your mind busy. Also, if you guys communication level is good, you may want to ask if some of my personal assumptions with my boyfriend, could possibly be the problem. However, if you choose to discuss the sexuality preference, be very sensitive. A man's pride is just as delicate as a woman's heart.

God bless and Good luck

I know ALL about what you're going through. My fiancé and I have been together for over seven months. It used to be that when we're together, we had sex every night (and sometimes twice a day). Now, I'm lucky to get sex three times a week. It hurts me, and it makes me sexually frustrated, and masturbating just DOESN'T do it for me because it's not the same as sharing the experience with the one you love. I can't talk to him about it because he doesn't listen, tries to ignore the issue. Just want to say hang in there and I know how you feel.

Ask him whether he's up to an 'open relationship'. I bet he'll be quite shocked and will be against the idea of you having sex with smb else- might even bring the spark back. Or ask him 'would you rather we stayed friends and not lovers'. I ask my boyfriend this every now and then too :). That would make him not take your relationship for granted and put some more effort into keeping it interresting and exciting not just comfortable.

I have been with my guy for a little over 5 months now. He has been divorced for several years and I am a widow. First he waited a long time for me to be ready since I was still grieving but the sex was very hot and heavy. It now is about once a week but he still shows so much affection by his actions toward me. We talked a little about it and its just that we were both sex starved and now we are getting more comfortable with each other and not feeling the need to connect primarily through sex. I think this is perfectly normal and not something you should get upset over. I am so happy to have a great guy that cares about me. Of course I wish he would tell me he loves me but he shows it in so many ways and I'll just be happy with that for now.

All that I could tell you is that, there's a time for everything... couples don't always have the hots at the same time... open communication is always best to solve your problem but keep in mind that changes happen when 2 people live in together. As discussed above by few caring members, they were all flaming hot before living in together and I guess that's because of the circumstances you all guys were in. distance always makes the heart grow fonder as the saying goes; likewise, your sex life will have seasons... don't expect the same thing everyday; ask your partner if there is any aspect in his life that you can help him with rather than moaning and assuming something else, after all, your life two-gether is not all about sex, for all you know there might be something else you need to focus on or at least give a little bit of your time rather than your need for sex. For sure though it will come to pass. Hang on there and keep hoping for the best.

Hello,
I am a new poster - just stumbled upon this site while sitting at my computer, crying, while my boyfriend of 1yr11mths is sleeping. The last time we were intimate was New Years - if not before then. This has been an ongoing issue for us, and actually thought we had the intimate issues sorted out - he felt that fooling around had to lead to intercourse and he wants to wait until we get married before we have intercourse again - hey no problem, I can handle that. What I can't handle is that it has been almost 2mths since we've fooled around, or held each other in bed, or passionately kissed. We've gotten into fights over this and I'm the one who ends up crying and he - sleeps. I feel like I have to ask for it in advance, so last week I did just that -asked. Of course he said 'yes please'. So today, I put all my stuff on hold to do stuff for him, and I cooked a romantic, candle light belated Valentines Dinner - it turned out great. He suggested we go to the movies, and that was a good time too. We came home, drank some coffee and went upstairs. I laid down, and he watched TV. And hour or so later he turned the TV off, and went to bed. Another night without any intimacy. I just don't get it. I'd like to think I am more important then a stupid TV show, and considering we've been 'fighting' over this for several weeks now, he'd want to do something about it.
I get so angry and frustrated that I can't even be in bed with him while I'm wide awake and he's breathing deeply into a sound sleep. Like I've said before we've talked about this - he knows how I feel. And as someone else mentioned in a previous post - something along the lines of not wanting to 'do it yourself' when he does it better. If I try to do it myself, I feel guilty and angry and wish I didn't have to resort to it.

Thanks for letting me ramble on. I'm a 31yr old woman, he's 35. We've lived together for a year and a bit and we spend most of our time together (so I know he's not cheating, nor is he gay)

I'm not going to say hang in there - because it's hard, and I struggle with it myself. I try to tell myself it will eventually get better, but somehow, I don't think it wever will.

Hating to sleep in a cold bed... Joanne

So the lingerie and porn isn't working for you any more huh! Can't understand why that hot heavy sex is dwindling to almost nothing. Well just listen, you assume that because you ain't getting it like you use to is a sign I may be gay or cheating or worse I don't love ou anymore. Has it not occurred that YOU are not making love to my mind or paying attention to the signs I am more than just about sex? Do you realise I am more than just worried about how much you get or I get but the other things in life that make a man happy? First I need to trust you enough to talk to you about me, without the attitude by you. And before you say oh I don't do that listen to yourself sometimes because when I get turned off it takes a long time to get back in the groove, so until you get it and see I'm trying to build a life and understand when I have a headache, then you may learn to talk to me as a partner and not whine about what I ain't giving. So leave the whats wrong and whats the matter with me stuff out of the equation and get to making love to MY mind and maybe our bodies will follow. As I get older I can express it better but for now, just know that the lack of me jumping on your bones is about me wanting to know something about other stuff other than your body. Sure think the worst and mistrust me , I move away. Think me gay, I move away. Learn some honest Respectful communication with out nagging or blaming and maybe I'll respond better or otherwise back in my shell I go. Your solution is not on Orpah, Its with me. So how about learning what I'm about not what your g/f's tell you.

I'm going through something very similar. The only problem is, I've talked to my boyfriend numerous times. I've told him I feel there is something wrong with US, but he insists that nothing is wrong and that he is happy. I haven't brought up the lack of physical attention [sex] but I think it's time.
I love my boyfriend so much, but if he doesn't let me in, I don't think I'll be able to stay much longer. I think you should start to see how your life is going to be without your boyfriend.

You have pretty much made my point,
I've told him I feel there is something wrong with US,
but he insists that nothing is wrong and that he is happy.
This is not honest communication, as you aren't saying anything nor are you specific enough about anything, to even give pause.
I haven't brought up the lack of physical attention [sex] but I think it's time.
You have talked numerous time s and sill haven't brought up the subject you really want to discuss. This is not honest communications either.
I love my boyfriend so much, but if he doesn't let me in
Because you haven't knocked and he doesn' know your out there. Lack of communications.
I don't think I'll be able to stay much longer.
So lack of communication can push some one away.
I think you should start to see how your life is going to be without your boyfriend.
And we wonder how we grow apart and leave, when we haven't even talked about anything, but made a lot of assumptions.

Im 23, lesbian from UK, I am having this same problem with my fiancée. We started as a long distance relationship, but now we practically live together. She is affectionate towards me, but not in the intimate way. Basically we hardly ever have sex, and when we do, most of the time it feels uncomfortable like I am forcing her into it.
Her reason for this is because she is tired all the time. I don't disbelieve her, but I think that if I was tired all the time, I would NOT let it ruin my relationship! I would do anything I could to save it, drink coffee, take pro plus, whatever it takes to keep me awake to make sure my partner knows that I love her.
My fiancée is quite severely depressed, and this effects her sex drive as well as her tiredness quite a lot, so I can't be too angry about it, even though I want to be. Do you know if any of your partners may have mental health problems? Maybe have a look on a few sites, see if anything seems to be a symptom they have? Speak to them about how they have been feeling?
Maybe try other things to spice your sex life up? Watch raunchy videos if this is your thing? Dress up in something that makes you feel sexy? Buy toys? May help?
I hope you all achieve ultimate happiness soon, as I wish for myself
x Claire x

I am having exactly the same problem. My fiancé never seems to want to have sex he doesn't get excited he never gets involved he leaves me to do it all I'm always the one who comes on to him and I am sick of it. What is wrong with me. They don't think it hurts our feelings but rejection is the worst.:(

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Originally Posted by scimitarblue

Hi...
New poster but serious question. Well.. yeah, anyway. My boyfriend and I were in a long distance relationship for a few years. Whenever we met up with each other, we never stopped having sex. We did it all the time. Whenever I didn't feel like it, he would try and persuade me by saying that he showed his affection and emotion through sex. If felt that if it was that important to him, we should do it.
Now we're living together and since he moved in, he's been wanting to have sex less and less. First it was three times a week. Then once a week. Then once every two weeks. Now it's once a month and the sex only lasts for a few minutes. He seems fine with this. We've talked and argued and nearly broken up about it. I'm very unhappy. I've asked if it's because I'm too fat or if it's because he regrets moving here. Or if it's because of some issue he's never discussed before. He just says it's because he had to go so long without having regular sex that it's just not imporatant anymore. Which seems like a cop out to me, but now when I bring it up, he gets insulted and hurt. I'm at my wits end. He won't touch me, he won't be intimate. He says he loves me. I'm not seeing it.
I don't know what to do.

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Jezz! I thought this was once of my entries. I WENT THOUGH THE Same THING... and he was cheating one me. So drop him and move on. We all deserve the very best and don't accept any lesser. Drop him! I didn't listen to the signs I tried to work out and our relationship ended in the most worst way ever! By the way is your bf's name Corey?? Because I swear that sounds just like me!! I hope not!

Cheers

Oh and I forgot to say my ex boyfriend :D was also bi-polar... ugh!

Question closed.