Ask Me Help Desk - Hurt and Confused

I am so hurt and don't know what to do I have gone through sleepless nights and anxiety and lack of eating. About a month ago my fiancée left his wife who has been cheating on him for a about a year now. She filed for divorce in June. He claims there wasn't really a marriage after he found out about her. We met at work several months ago and hit it off right away, and we have been living together for about 3 weeks now. He and I both felt this was the right thing to do. A week ago his wife called claiming she is pregnant with his child after she filed for divorce and she didn't know at the time and says it is his because she wasn't seeing anyone else 2 1/2 months ago. My fiancée believed her after going to a doctors appointment to make sure she wasn't lying but now they have to wait on paternity. He told her he was living with me now and is falling more in love with me, she of course got angry and told him that he better choose between the baby or me. She also told him that if he chosesmme that she would make sure that he never sees the baby. He is hurt by her threats. Now I am hurt because now it comes down to who he is going to pick, her because of the baby or me. He says you he loved her at one point in time but it all changed after she betrayed him. He tells me he wants the baby and he wants me too. He crys and tells me he wishes I was the one that was pregnant with his child and things would be so much better. He also says he is now stuck between happiness with me or misery being with her but yet happy about the baby. I don't know what to do. Should I force him to go back to her? Should I hold on to him? Should I stand back and give him his space and let him decide? Right now at this point he knows I love him and that I would be there for him through it all and I am willing to be there for the baby as if it were my own. But I am lost I know this isn't his fault and I don't blame him. I am so confused and in need of some advise. Thank you. :(

Sounds like quite the predicament. I would leave the decision up to him, but I don't understand why it has to be between you and the baby. He can still be a father to his child and in another relationship. It sounds like his ex wife is trying to threaten him and that's all. I'm not sure of legal matters, but I do believe he has the right to see his child unless the courts deem him an unfit parent.

If you are going to advise him of anything, I would tell him to talk to a lawyer who specializes in these matters. I'm pretty sure regardless what the mother wants, the father can fight for partial custody and/or visitation rights to his child. This should not be a matter of whether it's you or the baby... the ex is trying to turn it into that to trap him.

I know your confused by this turn of events, but what are you doing with a guy who has so much baggage, and many unresolved issues in the first place? Moving in with a married guy who was hurt by his cheating wife, was a really fast move don't you think?

Of course you need to back away, and let him make up his own mind, which is so much harder now that you have moved in together, after only a few months.

I don't envy your situation, but its time to deal with some reality here, as he has a long hard struggle to go through, and many decisions to make.

Hmm you've been checking each other out, and he got his wife pregnant less than 3 months ago. That's pretty close timing for a guy that was through with his cheating wife, if he is indeed the father.

Stop the crying, and worrying, and get to his intentions of how he handles it, and the role your going to play. Talk to him.

Personally, I think he should get the boot until his mess is resolved. Never get caught between a married man and his wife, that's crazy, and leaves you exposed to whatever they decide, whether you want it, or not.

Handle your business, cry later.

Quote:

Originally Posted by sjm559

About a month ago my fiancee left his wife who has been cheating on him for a bout a year now. :(

This is all you needed to say for me to see red flags. You have a fiancée who left his wife because she was cheating? Hmm well then I am sorry to hear that but maybe its best to back away from that whole situation. Just walk away and find a man without a cheating wife, or a wife in general. Find a respectable single man.

Don't mean too be harsh, but sounds too me like he was sleeping with two people at the same time. His wife and you. If he left her and you have been with him and why would he question that or even think its his baby, when he has been so faithful too you? Doesn't sound like he is too faithful too you either. Your engaged and he isn't even divorced,way too fast. He has a lot of emotinal baggage. Your just setting yourself up for way too much hurt. I would tell him see you, until he has his act together. Sunflower right, you need to find a man that is respectable..

Your making excuses for him, it is his fault, he is playing too people right now, separated or whatever he is, and then worrying about his exwife if it is his child. Way too much baggage.. and then has a ring on your finger. Sorry, but he is a cheater too.

I would just walk away.

If you stick with this guy, you're going to be eating garbage the rest of your life. His ex-wife is going to harass you and him, the baby will cause even more issues, you'll be unhappy...

He has more history with his ex-wife, too. Add a baby... and boom. I'm sorry. But his decision is probably not going to lean in your favor, and I think that's great. That way you can go find a guy who doesn't have so much baggage that there's no breathing room for anything else. Just... walk away. You'll save yourself a LOT of brain cells in the long run. And tears, too.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jmooney527

Sounds like quite the predicament. I would leave the decision up to him, but I don't understand why it has to be between you and the baby. He can still be a father to his child and in another relationship. It sounds like his ex wife is trying to threaten him and that's all. I'm not sure of legal matters, but I do believe he has the right to see his child unless the courts deem him an unfit parent.

If you are going to advise him of anything, I would tell him to talk to a lawyer who specializes in these matters. I'm pretty sure regardless what the mother wants, the father can fight for partial custody and/or visitation rights to his child. This should not be a matter of whether it's you or the baby... the ex is trying to turn it into that to trap him.

I want to thank you so much for taking the time to reply to my question it means so much to me. I have always seen others go through this type of problems and now I understand what they went through. After reading your comment I must say it is true about the legal issues, it was brought to his attention regarding his rights and will be meeting with lawyers soon. I also read other comments left for me and I see their point as well. I have been thinking a lot since I read everyone's comments and I made my choice and will give him his space to think things through and when he is ready I will let him know that I have no time for him to pick just because she threatens him I should be the one that comes before her if he really loves me. I thought for a long time what I would do if I was in his shoes, and really it would'nt be what he is doing. I would tell the ex "fine have it your way and I will see you in court", But since he isn't well looks like he will just have to stay with his dad. Since he has been there since he got the news trying to think things through.

Again thanks so much for your help all of you have really opened my eyes and I am blessed there is help online.

SJM559

You've had a lot of drama in the last few months. Add a pregnancy of his almost ex-wife and you've got 18 more years of this drama. It's something to think about.

After reading everyone's comments, I realized everyone was right. So I've made up my mind and I packed all his stuff and its now sitting there by the door waiting for him to collect it. Im a cool easy going, warm hearted person I don't need this drama in my life. I have so much going on for me and my kids are a PRIORITY! Even though I am hurting a lot right now, its better now then like most of you say the next 18 yrs or beyond that. Thank you so very much! I don't know you all but considering you take the time to read my question along with everyone else's and give great advise?! I am Grateful! Again THANKS!

Good luck with it and stay strong. Don't let him make you weak.