Hi all I'm a 31 year old male engaged to a 24 year old female... we've been together for almost 2 years and there has never been a sexlife... Im lucky to get it once a week or longer and it has always been this way... in past relationships I can't remember a day going by that I didn't have sex with my partner... now I wouldn't get it if I didn't have to gripe and complain... I've talked with her and agued my feelings repeatedly to no avail.. it
Feels like I'm in high school again walking around horny as hell all day and its so frustrating... anyway here is my question

I've told her that if she doesn't start putting out more I will get it someplace else... she gets mad but doesn't take any steps to prevent it... I have cheated on her before and felt really guilty I told her and told her I was leaving and she begged me to stay and things were fine for a while but now its back at square one... I love her and want to marry her one day but I'm not going to be able to be faithful to her for this reason and I keep putting the wedding day off... she keeps begging to get married but right now I don't know what to do I can't talk to her about our sex life she gets mad and blows up thinking everything is her fault and puts a wall up and won't listen, I can't express myself sexually to her because she isn't open minded (however there are plenty of women out there willing to) I don't feel like I'm attractive to her though I know I'm not a bad looking guy I can get pretty much anyone I want... we have a kid together and it makes it hard for me thinking about leaving...
So should I stay in this relationship just for the love and kids sake and seek sexual satisfaction elswhere? And just keep it to myself? Or what? IM SO FRIGGIN FRUSTRATED AND HORNY I can't TAKE IT... and I get offers all the time from other girls but I hold out for my fiancés sake which makes it that much more frustrating when I come home and don't even get noticed... ARGGGGHHH...
Please advise...

I'm not surprised really that she doesn't give you her all,she obviously doesn't trust you, and I don't blame her seeing as you cheated on her once before and thinking about it again.

She obviously can't forgive you. I would say end this relationship,but not by cheating on her, but it makes it harder as you have a child together, and the child needs the security.

Wow. You expect her to have sex with you, even tho you cheated? You've GOT to be kidding!
This isn't the girl for you. Furthermore, you need therapy to find out WHY you cheat.
She can get her own therapy after you break-up with her.
Do not date Anyone till you work out your issues, or you will be miserable.

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Originally Posted by anymouse

Hi all im a 31 year old male engaged to a 24 year old female... weve been together for almost 2 years and there has never been a sexlife.... Im lucky to get it once a week or longer and it has always been this way... in past relationships i can't remember a day going by that i didnt have sex with my partner... now i wouldnt get it if i didnt have to gripe and complain... ive talked with her and agued my feelings repeatedly to no avail.. it
feels like im in high school again walking around horny as hell all day and its so frustrating... anyways here is my question

ive told her that if she doesnt start putting out more i will get it someplace else...she gets mad but doesnt take any steps to prevent it... I have cheated on her before and felt really guilty i told her and told her i was leaving and she begged me to stay and things were fine for a while but now its back at square one... I love her and want to marry her one day but im not going to be able to be faithful to her for this reason and i keep putting the wedding day off....she keeps begging to get married but right now i dont know what to do i can't talk to her about our sex life she gets mad and blows up thinking everything is her fault and puts a wall up and wont listen, i can't express myself sexually to her because she isnt open minded (however there are plenty of women out there willing to) I dont feel like im attractive to her though i know im not a bad looking guy i can get pretty much anyone i want ...we have a kid together and it makes it hard for me thinking about leaving...
so should i stay in this relationship just for the love and kids sake and seek sexual satisfaction elswhere? and just keep it to myself? or what? IM SO FRIGGIN FRUSTRATED AND HORNY I can't TAKE IT.... and i get offers all the time from other girls but i hold out for my fiances sake which makes it that much more frustrating when i come home and dont even get noticed.....ARGGGGHHH....
Please advise...

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Don't marry this woman! Your frustration will only get worse. You will cheat; she will know; you will fight and eventually divorce. Your child will suffer more with the two of you together than apart. If you are apart, at least there won't be constant tension, deceit, a wounded mom, and a constantly pissed off dad. Maybe both of you will find the right partner.

As parents of the same child, you will be related to her for the rest of your life; so be a gentleman about everything you do from here on out. Don't fight; don't make her wrong. If she is willing, go to therapy with her, or by yourself, not to fix the relationship, but to navigate through a separation with the least amount of pain. There's a long-shot chance that therapy will help, but it will have to be deep, transformative therapy over a long time.

It's time to accelerate your maturation and to get clear about your responsibilities, starting with your responsibility to yourself. Take a long, deep breath and think about your role as a father and your commitment to your child. Think about the life you want.

With all that in mind, be open to therapy surfacing things about both of you, as well as your dynamic, that you can change. Hold a bit of hope close to you.

Tao

From a woman's point of view, I can tell you that there is no greater passion killer than to be constantly harassed for sex.

When I read your post, it was all about you. Your needs, your complaints, your belief that you can get 'it' everywhere else. My question is, what about her?

You're old enough to know that women's sexuality is often expressed very differently to men's. Wham bham thank you m'am just doesn't do it for most of us.

Griping and complaining are not good foreplay. You know this, so why do you continue to do it? Why do you think the result will be any different? Do you think that she enjoys being shamed into sex?

You complain that your needs are not met and you're not being noticed - what about her? Do you meet her needs? Do you notice her? And, I don't mean sexually.

You say you love her, but how do you express it? You say she's not interested in being sexually creative, but how do you encourage her to open up? It seems to me that you've got her so completely on the defensive with your harassment and criticism that it's hardly likely she's going to be feeling open, receptive, relaxed and sexual. Quite frankly, I wouldn't want to have sex with you either!

I'd suggest you literally lay off for a while - sure you're horny, but you know how to use your hand don't you? Give some thought to how you might be more loving and generous in your relationship - think about how you might meet some of her needs and try to focus less on yourself.

Give it a try. If you shift the dynamic and she feels more loved and less harassed and criticized, you never know what might happen.

You should not stay in the relationship for the love and kid's sake. You can still be a father to your child, and you can love your fiancée as the mother of your child.

You do not respect your fiancée. Your child might learn that trait from you.

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Originally Posted by bronzebabe

Wow. You expect her to have sex with you, even tho you cheated? You've GOT to be kidding!
This isn't the girl for you. Furthermore, you need therapy to find out WHY you cheat.
She can get her own therapy after you break-up with her.
Do not date Anyone till you work out your issues, or you will be miserable.

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I know why I cheated... I don't get it at home... I know that is no excuse and I admit that it wouldn't feel good if the roles were reversed and I honestly regret it... but I'm human and have human needs I have tried encouragement, lavishing her like a princess and everything I can muster, I was patient while she was pregnant, I can handle it when she's menstrating... but it has been this way before I ever cheated... we have never had that can't keep my hands off you relationship she is seeing a therapist, and I've agreed to go with her... but what am I looking at 6 years 7 years before she opens up? When we have sex there is only two positions missionary or her on top and she complains about being on top, she doesn't like to give head, and I enjoy sixtynine... guess I just need to listen to what I'm saying in this paragraph were just not cut out for each other.

Your options are:
1. You stay engaged and cheat on your fiancée.
2. You break your engagement, be free to have sex without cheating.

It seems like you want to use your child as a reason why you are chosing #1.

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Originally Posted by makapuu

Your options are:
1. You stay engaged and cheat on your fiancee.
2. You break your engagement, be free to have sex without cheating.

It seems like you want to use your child as a reason why you are chosing #1.

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I think your right... but I honestly love her and have gotten so used to her being around that even though we don't have sex we are great friends in fact sometimes I feel like we are just roomates sharing an abode with our child. Does that sound weird? We don't even have an affectionate relationship ie: we don't do a lot of hugging, making out , massages, or anything really... I've tried everything to get the flame started such as ill open doors and bring her lunch unexpectedly and massage her back when she gets home from work etc... but I rarely get the favor returned and have since quit doing it because I feel I'm being used... so now we go along each day sort of in separate worlds but living together...

Wow... not only did you cheat on her already once before... but you DEMANDED sex or you would do it again...

Now wonder she isn't having sex with you. If my husband acted like that I would turn his butt down too! I even asked my husband his opinion from a guys point of view just now. And he said 'wow, he is NOT going to get any that way!'

You need to rethink your relationship. It doesn't sound like you love her. It sounds like you want her to be there when you need her for sex.

I would not marrie this girl. It sounds like she deserves better than you. And you would only end up making each other miserable.

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Originally Posted by anymouse

I know why i cheated... i dont get it at home... i know that is no excuse and i admit that it wouldnt feel good if the roles were reversed and i honestly regret it... but im human and have human needs I have tried encouragement, lavishing her like a princess and everything i can muster, I was patient while she was pregnant, I can handle it when shes menstrating... but it has been this way before i ever cheated... we have never had that can't keep my hands off you relationship she is seeing a therapist, and ive agreed to go with her... but what am i looking at 6 years 7 years before she opens up? when we have sex there is only two positions missionary or her on top and she complains about being on top, she doesnt like to give head, and i enjoy sixtynine .... guess i just need to listen to what im saying in this paragraph were just not cut out for each other.

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Your last sentence says it ALL.
You are NOT made for each other, and it's time to break it off.
I wish you had left her BEFORE you cheated.

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Originally Posted by Gemini54

From a woman's point of view, I can tell you that there is no greater passion killer than to be constantly harassed for sex.

When I read your post, it was all about you. Your needs, your complaints, your belief that you can get 'it' everywhere else. My question is, what about her?

You're old enough to know that women's sexuality is often expressed very differently to men's. Wham bham thank you m'am just doesn't do it for most of us.

Griping and complaining are not good foreplay. You know this, so why do you continue to do it? Why do you think the result will be any different? Do you think that she enjoys being shamed into sex?

You complain that your needs are not met and you're not being noticed - what about her? Do you meet her needs? Do you notice her? And, I don't mean sexually.

You say you love her, but how do you express it? You say she's not interested in being sexually creative, but how do you encourage her to open up? It seems to me that you've got her so completely on the defensive with your harassment and criticism that it's hardly likely she's going to be feeling open, receptive, relaxed and sexual. Quite frankly, I wouldn't want to have sex with you either!

I'd suggest you literally lay off for a while - sure you're horny, but you know how to use your hand don't you? Give some thought to how you might be more loving and generous in your relationship - think about how you might meet some of her needs and try to focus less on yourself.

Give it a try. If you shift the dynamic and she feels more loved and less harassed and criticized, you never know what might happen.

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Yes I know how to use my hand but she gets pissed when I look at porn... and use my hand

This is NOT a relationship made to last. It sounds lik you are both miserable. If you two love each other, and WANT To make it work, get to a counselor BEFORE you get married... if you don't want to make it work, end it. Good luck hon

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Originally Posted by anymouse

yes i know how to use my hand but she gets pissed when i look at porn ... and use my hand

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Think about the other things I said - you're talking about you again - what about her??

Use this as a sign you have wasted 2 years with the wrong woman... Don't let it last any longer, break it off and start looking for a woman whose sex drive matches your own.

Now there are people that have low drives and would be happy like that, but its obvious you aren't one. And trust me, if its like this now... its going to get worse AFTER you got married and she got it in her head she doesn't ever have to put out again.

I don't think that you have wasted two years with the wrong woman I think that at times you may only be looking out for yourself and not at her, you may be a little misguided about everything try talking to her she just may feel like you are just talking at her and don't care what she feels, these things that you say may not be true they may feel like they are true but maybe deep down inside they aren't.

Maybe you go on a rampage sometimes and she chooses to just ignore you cause maybe you've been drinking and she just doesn't want to talk to you when you drink and of all the crap that she puts up with and what you say she just chooses to forget about it and rethink but you have to ask yourself maybe her pushing herdelf farther away from you is because no matter what she does its always going to be to you that the only reason that she is doing it is because you always about it. Try relaxing a bit and it will all come about... if she's stayed this long then she really loves you will all of her heart and WANTS things to work... its a two way street maybe what you feel is what she is feeling... 143

I'm not going to sit here and trash you nor try to make you think a certain way. I'm a 24 year old woman myself. I've been in so crazy and good relationships. First off. If these problems occurred before the cheating it prob doesn't have much to do with it. My opinion. BUT I do know a lot of female friends that have done a total 180 in their sex drive after having a child, you're hormons sometimes never go back to what they were before. She should have those checked surly. That might be the cause. Also try not to bother with sex for awhile and see if you not bugging her bothers her, most cases it does. Woman are odd creatures. The reverse approach might help. Ultimatly you should both go to counseling together and try to sort it out together if you really love her. Respect her, think about her too.
In the end if all else fails, you should prob consider taking a break and def. not get married till this problems comes to a full head. (hope to have helped!) write back!

Have you asked her if you could make things better for her? Maybe go away for a weekend, show her you love her. In turn she may show you. Many times women turn off sexually when something is missing that they need badly!

If she has a low to no sex drive and he has a strong one... then exactly when and how will she change this? Because unless he loses his or she changes hers, this relationship is going to be nothing but trouble...

Neither are going to be happy as it is now... As much as young people think they can change their partners nature... it ain't going to happen. People are who they are, you can't force them to change to suit your vision of them. People are who they are... and if they aren't a good match as-is, you move on and find one that is. If you want marital bliss, you have to find a good match.

Sex, particularly lack there-of is a MAJOR issue for a couple. Nobody needs to be jumping into a marriage when you have MAJOR differences of opinion on matters this important.

Now what happens AFTER you are married, you deal with the best you can... but before you are married you better decide if its something you can live with, because you know what you are getting.

I kknow first hand experience what kind of relationship this... im in one almost the same way... the problem with mine is that he never listens to what I feel or what I have to say and when the talking gets deep he doesn't want to talk anymore... its all about him that is such a turn off for me. So my question is why have sex and open yourself completely to someone who acts that way? Like he doesn't give a sh** about you or what you want.. and that is exactly what this sounds like its all me. Me. Me. WHAT ABOUT HER?