I feel so ugly and I'm sick of everything!
Because I am, I'm not a gorgeous 20 year old, I'm an ugly 20 year old. I was always teased in school because of this and I have never felt beautiful, there's just nothing special about my face. I have a boyfriend and he's very sweet and respectful but his exes are all prettier and he of course loves looking at pretty women (based on his celebrity crushes).
Now, don't get me wrong, I do think other men are good looking, but not in a sexual way. I just can't think of other men in a sexual way. I don't know why. I can't look at other people (men or women) and get aroused, not even in porn.
And you know what? I'm sick of it. Because men feel entitled to "look" at gorgeous, naked women as much as they want. It's like their right. They always defend porn, strip clubs and ogling in the street. Even the most respectful man (like my boyfriend) will look around when he's alone, because it's in their genetic make up. Sometimes I wish I was a man that way I wouldn't have to worry about my looks and I could get away with ogling.
Because women like me, who weren't blessed with good looks, have to accept these things. Porn, strip clubs (because even if my boyfriend doesn't go, I'm sure he would like to, and also one of his friends is getting married soon, and well he also wants to marry me, so... ), and just "appreciating" the beauty of random women on TV or in the street.
No matter how much I exercise, wear nice clothes or do my make up right, why bother? I will never look like the "ideal"! My breasts won't grow anymore, my face won't suddenly change... and I'm not fat so it's not something that can be fixed by going to the gym. WHY BOTHER? If, by the end of the day, men will still think women in TV, magazines or porn are ideal. Even if they're fake, men don't care. They're ideal. These women look good without the airbrushing, at least they look better than me because their bodies are more proportioned.
And it's always said it's a self esteem issue. Oh, really? Way to make me feel better! So men can get away with ogling ALL they want, and this discomfort is still MY FAULT? REALLY! So I have to feel wonderful about myself, even though my boyfriend (or any other man) has the right to masturbate over beautiful, perfect women? Or want threesomes, and have every "man movie" be about explosions and tons of nudity. Is that supposed to make me feel wonderful about myself? Is that really acceptable and cool? Am I the only one who thinks this society has no real priorities?
Look, I know appearance isn't everything, but when you're bombarded by images of perfection, how do you expect some women, like me, to not feel like crap? (maybe I'm weaker than some enlightened ones). Are we bombarded by ideals of perfection regardind personality? Not as much... being kind, generous, talented and smart isn't really emphasized like being beautiful and hot is! At the very least, you're encouraged to be competitive, which isn't good either. But good traits? Forget it, IT's ALL ABOUT LOOKS!
There are ugly people out there, like me, who're SICK of being put down by the media and somehow expected to have glowing self esteem and just accept it.
So what can I do? I refuse to believe this is all my fault because I have low self esteem. Yes, self esteem plays a part, but it's not ALL my fault, right? I feel very frustrated and embarrassed and I hate looking at the mirror. I hate my appearance.
