Ask Me Help Desk - How to get through this

My boyfriend and I are having many arguments and disputes lately which seem to always end with me crying and being so emotionally overwhelmed that I end up feeling sick and just utterly exhausted. We love each other dearly and most of the things we argue about are regarding trivial issues that blow up into bigger things as a result of him saying I'm just being neurotic/ and need to calm down. Recently we've gone through a lot of conflicts that we are trying to work through; one such as infidelity and subsequent insecurities about female interactions and friends. I know myself and I don't think I'll ever be comfortable with him having such a close girlfriend, but I just don't say anything or I act like I'm fine but it really beats me up on the inside. And like 80% of his friends are girls, and he talks to them all in this indirectly flirtacious kind of way.. its like too "interested" I told him I might just need time to get over what happened, but I'm thinking I will always develop these feelings of uncomfortability and I'm having the hardest time in the world trusting him

I would start with counseling. It's unclear whether he cheated on you from your post. Did he?

It sounds like there are a lot of trust issues and communication issues as well. How long have you two been together? Are you uncomfortable talking to him about how you feel?

Yeah well we both were infidels unfortunately, only it's a VERY VERY LONG STORY BELIEVE ME. And, we've been trying so hard to communicate with each other about everything, including how we feel about certain things. There isn't anything in the world we wouldn't do for each other in the end but I just feel like every time I divulge my feelings about something, he makes a big deal out of it.. he say's "everytime i take one step i take two back" kind of thing, and it may be true but its because it seems he keeps making the same mistakes or he just doesn't get what I'm telling him. Like one time I told him if when we are on the phone, I would appreciate if he focused all his attention on me (when we are "talking") instead of on the computer playing or iming people. And he would still do it for awhile until I blew up on him about not staying true to his word. Then I told him if he could calm down his excessive communication patterns with all his 100's of female friends and what not. You see he cheated on me with his other female best friend who is obviously no longer in his life, but this is why I have a hard time now trusting him with all these "girl friends" ahh its so complicated really

Quote:

Originally Posted by j_ely823

Like one time i told him if when we are on the phone, i would appreciate if he focused all his attention on me (when we are "talking") instead of on the computer playing or iming people.

Well I have experience this first hand. LOL. My husband finally got it.

As for your other concerns, since you say that you would do anything for each other, would you two consider couples counseling? Sometimes when you get a third party involved it's easier to see what's happening.

W definitely want to do couples counseling.. but I don't know how that's going to work right now since we are opposite coastlines... he wants to come see me within the next month or two. We haven't been together for the past 7 months. Probably another reason why all these problems have like exponentially maifested

Quote:

Originally Posted by j_ely823

W definitely want to do couples counseling..but i dont know how thats going to work right now since we are opposite coastlines

All the more reason why you'd think he could give you undivided attention when you're on the phone.

You know, 7 months really isn't that long to be with someone. It seems a little early in the relationship for all these problems and VERY early to even be considering counseling. I hope you're not just settling.

Well actually we've been without each other for seven months now, this month is going to be our one yr hopefully, but I think about that very thing and I don't know besides recent conflicts he meets the criteria for the man I want, he's not perfect but I feel his genuine interest and concerna and love for me is as pure as any guy I've ever been with and he takes care of me exceptionally well. Even despite the distance issue I feel like all the other times I've settled really, not so much with him. Im also a little neurotic and OCD I think because I feel like he is SO close to being perfect minus a few things. But they are significant things to me so I don't know.

I always think that if couples get together in the first place by both guilty of cheating at the time,then how can you both trust one another in the end anyway, you've both proved that you are untrustworthy in the beginning,so why any different with each other. It is my belief it always ends in tears.

I'm wasn't judging you by the way, was just an observation and opinion.

Well he says he trust me and I really feel that he does so the mistrust is only on my end.

Quote:

Originally Posted by j_ely823

well he says he trust me and I really feel that he does so the mistrust is only on my end.

That doesn't really make the situation much better though. How did you gain his trust back? What does he plan on doing to gain your trust?

Well, you see I just basically cried to him, and begged him and didnt really talk to any guys for about a month and a half, i was fully devoted to him. I asked him what i could do for him and all he kept saying was i dont knowHe said he would do anything and he was actually in tears too begging me to love him and take him back ( thou i never left him) and there were a few things i told him to do..so i mean he had a lot easier than i did at least i said what i was sure would gain back my trust and forgive me completely. I told him to call the ex-best friend and tell her that he wished to discontinue the relationship with her because she basically was disgusting to him and of no importance anymore..etc. then i told him that i needed to really see how this was making him feel...i was rather cold and hostile to him for a day or two. Then i told him if he could just please refrain from talking sooo freaking much with all these girls for just a little while because i mean thats what i did?? i didnt think it was completely irrational. It took him almost a week to do the calling the girl part and he claimed it was because he wasnt confrontational..hello neither am I. so i told him just to channel all his anger and repugnance for her and he said he had none and he was more disappointed in himself and angry with himself...BUT i really wanted him to hate her and i got mad at him for not hating this girl who basically almost destroyed the relationship he and I had..i got over that about two weeks ago...and i forgive him i think??...im not so angry at him but I realized i had been lying to him all along because i dont trust him.