Ask Me Help Desk - Can't stop thinking of my ex now!

My ex girlfriend whom I dumped back in January of 2008, had written me in march of the same year stating she has changed her ways and can't stop loving me. My good friend's daughter recently moved right under my ex's apartment! We didn't know this until my buddy visited and ran into my ex. She asked about me and his daughter and son in law said she has a boyfriend now that they swore was me at one time. He looks very similar. I know this girl, and she has a hard time of letting things go. I offered the reason of a breakup to her by saying I was going to try with another. This was due to some serious actions on my ex's part which led me to end it once and for all. I think her current boyfriend is a rebound for sure. I am not involved with anyone right now and since my buddy was saying my ex was thinking of moving, I want to see her.. I can't get the idea out of my head, that this might be the last time I ever see her. She was so sweet for the first couple of years, and I truly want what's best for her. How would I go about contacting her or should I even at this point? I've never stopped loving her, even when I was going out with my most recent girl... which ended in disaster! I know where she works and she does me, what's stopping us from at least contacting each other? She even wished me a happy birthday in July of 2008, which blew me away, since we hadn't spoken or written in 4 months! Can someone please help me? I can't get her out of my head and I've tried... new hobbies, gym, working! Do you think she might still have feelings for me? I feel myself slipping in trying to set up an accidental meeting at her workplace, since it's a restaurant.

It's really up to you if you want to see her.

But ask yourself this question. What's the point of seeing her? Do you want to get back with her? Do you want to mend a friendship?

If you plan to trying to win her back, then forget about trying to see her. You broke up for a reason and she has a boyfriend now (whether it's a rebound or not, that's not your call, it's hers).

You sound selfish,
You break up with her to tell her you want to be with someone else, Now she has a boyfriend, you are lonely, and you all of a sudden can't stop thinking about her, you know for sure this guy is a rebound.
You want what's best for her, Yea right.
If that was the case you wouldn't be trying to manipulate the situation.
It hurts you that she could be happy with someone else and that she moved on and now this guy you think is a rebound may just be making her happy.
You chose to leave her and now you have to deal with the consequences. She sent you a generic text message saying happy birthday. Not lets get together.
I personally don't think it is fair, that you are trying to get back into her life because you heard now she has a boyfriend.
Stop being selfish, and let her be happy if you really cared. Stop thinking for her.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jolienoire

You sound selfish,
You break up with her to tell her you want to be with someone else, Now she has a boyfriend, you are lonely, and you all of a sudden can't stop thinking about her, you know for sure this guy is a rebound.
You want whats best for her, Yea right.
If that was the case you wouldn't be trying to manipulate the situation.
It hurts you that she could be happy with someone else and that she moved on and now this guy you think is a rebound may just be making her happy.
You chose to leave her and now you have to deal with the consequences. She sent you a generic text message saying happy birthday. Not lets get together.
I personally don't think it is fair, that you are trying to get back into her life because you heard now she has a boyfriend.
Stop being selfish, and let her be happy if you really cared. Stop thinking for her.

Thanks for the advice, but such is not the case. We spent 3 years together and I know everything about her.. she was new to this country and didn't really know anyone, and there are children involved and legal issues. I left her, hard as it was, because I felt she wouldn't change her ways. We went through counseling too. Back then, the advice was to leave her cause she'd never change and was stuck in certain ways.. but I stuck it out and helped her.. financially and in many ways I can't list. You make me out to be the bad guy, which I'm not. It was a very tough decision to make and I had been thinking about getting back in touch with her for some time now, wondering if it would be the right thing to do? The fact that she has a boyfriend now, I fully expected; she's a gorgeous woman and makes friends easily, but they didn't have to live with her and see how she reacts day to day. I get tired of dreaming of her and could let it go, but I feel something is unresolved somehow. Am I still being selfish?

Quote:

Originally Posted by goldenboy7115

but i feel something is unresolved somehow. am i still being selfish??

Somewhat selfish, because the unresolved issues are going on in your mind only. If she had unresolved issues, she would have contacted you.

If she's happy now, why don't you leave her alone. You already broke her heart by dumping, she doesn't need a reminder.

Quote:

Originally Posted by goldenboy7115

thanks for the advice, but such is not the case. we spent 3 years together and i know everything about her..she was new to this country and didn't really know anyone, and there are children involved and legal issues. i left her, hard as it was, because i felt she wouldn't change her ways. we went through counseling too. back then, the advice was to leave her cause she'd never change and was stuck in certain ways..but i stuck it out and helped her.. financially and in many ways i can't list. you make me out to be the bad guy, which i'm not. it was a very tough decision to make and i had been thinking about getting back in touch with her for some time now, wondering if it would be the right thing to do? the fact that she has a boyfriend now, i fully expected; she's a gorgeous woman and makes friends easily, but they didn't have to live with her and see how she reacts day to day. i get tired of dreaming of her and could let it go, but i feel something is unresolved somehow. am i still being selfish??

So what counselor or person told you to turn your back on someone who needed you the most?

And what counselor told you to lie about your reason for a breakup?

3 years is long but not that long to know everything about her, Know that people change with time, and grow.

You didn't even have enough guts and respect to be honest with her for your reasoning of breaking up.

Do you realize that you lied about your reason to break up with her, without giving her enough time to help her circumstances.

You clearly couldn't deal with the emotional baggage any longer and moved on and ended with her.

Now when you think she is a little better off, you think it is totally fine to pop up in her life after a three year relationship.

You left her because she wouldn't change her ways, but the same ways she had is the ways that made you fall in love.
Your basically saying I love you now change.

Listen I don't mean to sound hard on you, but your reasoning for wanting to see her seemed a little selfish. It was the way you posted it.

If you want to contact her, then don't be surprised if she doesn't have those same feelings, look how you left her. Don't be alarmed if she is happy and what are your intentions on seeing her, to check in and see if she survived without you?

Quote:

Originally Posted by jolienoire

so what counselor or person told you to turn your back on someone who needed you the most?

And what counselor told you to lie about your reason for a breakup?

3 years is long but not that long to know everything about her, Know that people change with time, and grow.

You didn't even have enough guts and respect to be honest with her for your reasoning of breaking up.

Do you realize that you lied about your reason to break up with her, without giving her enough time to help her circumstances.

You clearly couldn't deal with the emotional baggage any longer and moved on and ended with her.

Now when you think she is a little better off, you think it is totally fine to pop up in her life after a three year relationship.

You left her because she wouldn't change her ways, but the same ways she had is the ways that made you fall in love.
Your basically saying I love you now change.

Listen I don't mean to sound hard on you, but your reasoning for wanting to see her seemed a little selfish. It was the way you posted it.

If you want to contact her, then don't be suprised if she doesn't have those same feelings, look how you left her. Don't be alarmed if she is happy and what are your intentions on seeing her, to check in and see if she survived without you?

Well, first off, we both agreed to see a professional marriage counselor in the area. After the counselor opted for ways we could both change towards each other, my ex got mad and scolded her, also added that I made the pro' biased towards her. This doctor was completely unbiased and had never met us before.

There were many times when real life here, didn't match the way things were done in her country, which could have added some real problems for her down the road. I had to calm her down and explain how laws work here.. still, she wants to do what she wants to do.

I'm not at all trying to disrupt her life, but was surprised she asked about me when my friend had seen her. She didn't seem hateful or upset. She asked him if I still work where I was working? I guess, just to make conversation.

My intentions,? I would like to see her again, even if by accident. You know, in all the time in our little neck of the woods, I haven't seen her once. I shop at the same places she used to, groceries, banking, all the normal routes you bump into people you know and nothing. I asked her many times and tried many times to talk to her about us.. and where it was heading. I worked two jobs and was at her and her children's beck and call many a time.

The incident that was the final straw was this.. I called her new year's eve and said I was almost through with my route "truck driver locally" and was on my way to see her. She works across town, so I called and said I might be a few minutes to get there. Well, when I did, she left according to her co workers. What?? I went to the apartment, her daughter answered and said she had no word or had seen her, now this coming from an 11 year old at the time, not to mention she had a 7 year old little boy alone in bed.. I called hospitals, emergency care, went up and down the highways thinking, new year's eve, what happened?

I waited till 12pm the next day outside the apartment... here she comes driving in, hungover from her and her girlfriends party..

Her excuse was it was after 12.. like 12:10am and I didn't celebrate new years' with her like she wanted, so she left and did what she wanted.. that was it! It's over... the last straw.

I'm not perfect at all, and yes, I might be a bit selfish, but I never stopped loving her even through all that... to me, it would be nice to see her again, though I don't expect anything in return.

Golden boy if she has a boyfriend, that would tell me something. When we break up with someone, we always regret things and wish we would have done things different. That was before and this is now. I honestly don't think it's a good idea contacting her if she is in a relationship like you said. I think you might just set yourself up for hurt. I don't mean to hurt you, but I think she has just moved on.

Bad idea buddy, do not try to set yourself up for this because you will make things worse for each other.

Here's what will happen:

1. You go and try to get her back, she refuses = Broken heart, again.
2. She takes you back, jumping relationships take the hardest recoil effects = Broken heart, again.

Leave this alone, you will be happy again, you just aren't letting yourself because your dwelling. Take the advise given to you and try your hardest to move on.