Ask Me Help Desk - Should I give him a 2ND chance AGAIN?

Hey everyone I hope I can find some reasoning here and some advice so I can start on a positive direction.

So here's my story..
I'm 23 and he's 30 I met my boyfriend a little after a VERY long breakup with my ex of 8yrs and then came along Charlie we connect instantly and had a great friendship and a few months got together.. He was the typical "perfect" guy that I've never met EXTREMELY caring, loving, gave me more then enough attention.

Well, we started talking about his past and how he was always alone and never really had a family and how he's never really been close to a female before and never opened up. He told me I was the first real girl he's ever really loved.. blah blah blah.. But later on he was acting weird when he started receiving text msg's and it was so awkward that one day I decided to check his phone and yep of course he was talking to an ex girlfriend to whom I'm assuming he cheated on her to be with me and he eventually broke it off with her after we got together.

I'm not complete sure on the status of all the text msg's because he erased most of them. But I flipped out and left him. A few days later he comes to my friends house where I'm staying at and begs me to give him another chance because he didn't want to tell me he was in a 3yr relationship at the time I met him and he said he knew that he wanted to be with me at first sight. So he lied about being single and just broke it off with her behind my back and felt guilty for hurting her and lying to me.

I felt like I understood his situation and I told him if I took him back he has to be 100% honest with me and open. He agreed so we got back together. I then left for a month to visit family in a diff state and when I returned everything was going GREAT couldn't have been better I was falling more in love with him everyday. THEN I decided to check his phone 2months into being back and YEP found out he was sending naked pics of himself to his EX EX whom he told me he HATED because she's cheated on him and lied about her child and told him it was his. He later found out it wasn't. So I was EXTREMELY confused why he would send a pic of his you know what to her asking "remember this?" and her replying with pics of herself... he then replied with well you can't have me you cheater.. ect

This obviously disturbed me greatly and not only that I found him flirting with people on his myspace. I couldn't believe it. I confronted I'm VERY angry and he was in shock... more like speechless he was telling me it had nothing to do with me and that he just felt like he needed attention from other females because he felt ugly and he just wanted to feel like he was wanted.. He also said that he's always been alone in life and he was scared of not having anyone.. that he felt like he needed to have people like him... blah blah blah.

I was EXTREMELY angry and told him I wanted him to just tell me EVERYTHING and come clean so he did so, and he says he doesn't want to lose me. I know he's regretful but he's just so blank sometimes. When I first met him he was VERY emotionless and it was hard for him to open up since he wasn't use to talking about personal things before he said it was new for him... I really do love him and I know he loves me but I don't want to take him back a 2nd time and have him repeat this all over again.

I thought since he was 30 he would be more mature about a relationship but I guess not. I'm asking is there anyway for me to help him be more confident in himself or is this a lost cause? I've been following the NC rule and he usually text me saying how sorry he couldn't protect me from himself.. and just how much he loves me.. blah blah.. Should I stay his friend to try and talk to him about his past?. I have no idea:confused:

Sorry its so long! Thanks in advance for reading!

Also I left my a few personal items at his place and want them back but I don't want to break the NC rule... Is calling him okay or email better?

Ask a common friend to help you pick up your things. Or ask him to drop your stuff at a common friend's place.

Do not break the no contact rules nor matter what. Do not respond to his texts. Until you feel more objective and sorted out the confusion, you got to avoid him.

Signs of confusion:

1) When you're still posting on this site
2) When you say, "I don't know"
3) When you feel sensitive to his messages
4) When you get fustrated thinking about him
5) When you still ask yourself "what if" possibilities
6) etc.

You get the idea. I'm sure others can list a few more signs.

It looks to me like he wants to be with you and also at the same time he wants to be single where he can still flirt and feel "special". He's already ruined a lot of trust that you would have had for him and that's hard to regain. It's a tough situation you love someone yet you don't want to be hurt. I have learned there is nothing that is unforgivable but you can only forgive once that person has forgiven themselves. But the question here is, Is he going to do it again? You will not know that unless you do give him another chance but you also run the risk of being hurt again. So I would look in your heart and ask yourself, Am I in love with him? Do I feel like he is in love with me? Do you believe him when he says sorry? If you truly love him it might be worth another shot as long as you lay down some groundrules, tell him he should not need any more attention than what you give him, he has to be open with you, basically tell him what he needs to do to make it work. But believe me if you take him back never bring up his past mistakes and have some faith that he is doing the right thing, checking up on him does nothing cause if you don't find anything than you just wonder that he's gotten better at hiding it. So have faith and put some trust in it and if he is truly sorry about what he did you your relationship will florish.

Quote:

Originally Posted by I wish

Ask a common friend to help you pick up your things. Or ask him to drop your stuff at a common friend's place.

I sort of moved out of the state so I can't really do that >_<

Quote:

Originally Posted by SummersNight

I sorta moved outta the state so i can't really do that >_<

I added more substance to my response earlier.

Then ask a common friend to tell him to ship the stuff to you. Give your common friend the money for the shipping costs. You can use the "email money" feature if you have access to your online account.

Quote:

Originally Posted by halflife1820

It looks to me like he wants to be with you and also at the same time he wants to be single where he can still flirt and feel "special". He's already ruined alot of trust that you would of had for him and thats hard to regain. Its a tough situation you love someone yet you dont want to be hurt. I have learned there is nothing that is unforgivable but you can only forgive once that person has forgiven themselves. But the question here is, Is he going to do it again? You will not know that unless you do give him another chance but you also run the risk of being hurt again. So i would look in your heart and ask yourself, Am I in love with him? Do i feel like he is in love with me? Do you believe him when he says sorry? If you truly love him it might be worth another shot as long as you lay down some groundrules, tell him he should not need any more attention than what you give him, he has to be open with you, basically tell him what he needs to do to make it work. But believe me if you take him back never bring up his past mistakes and have some faith that he is doing the right thing, checking up on him does nothing casue if you dont find anything than you just wonder that hes gotten better at hiding it. So have faith and put some trust in it and if he is truly sorry about what he did u your relationship will florish.

IF I do decide to talk to him is it better to just not talk for a few months with NC then see how our friendship might go from there? I obviously don't want to lose his friendship but I can't handle the thought of just talking to him now and "forgiving" him so soon.

If you need time than take time, what I would do is not tell him that you need time just stop talking to him for however long you may need and hell wonder why hasn't she called me? If he cares and loves you he will tell you that even though your not talking to him. And believe it or not forgiving is easier doing than thinking about. Once you two sit down together and talk and lay it all in the open, all the mistakes and wrongs, and how to move past it, once you say I forgive you (and you have to believe it, trust me if you love him and he loves you you will be able to) you will feel a lot better. Just remember once you forgive someone you cannot bring it up again becaseu it will cause problems. But if you only want to be friends with him than I would say yea take a couple months off and see where things go from there, but tread lightly because if you have strong feelings for him and start friendship back up you may get hurt again

I don't think that you can be friends, or heaven forbid, in a relationship with a guy like this.

He's broken your trust many times, lied to you, obviously cheated on his Ex with you, sends pictures of his genitals to ex GF's - how many red flags do you want??

This guy is selfish, emotionally immature and has no idea what commitment or love mean. You should always judge someone by their actions - not by what they say. Look at his actions - cheating, lying, flirting, whining about how broken he is, etc, etc.

Don't kid yourself that you can help him or that your love will change him - he can only change if he chooses to, and he certainly doesn't need someone like you making excuses for his appalling behavior.

You've given him a number of chances and he's failed each time - he's clearly shown that he's immature and an emotional liability. Yes, you can give him your compassion, but I wouldn't give him your friendship or your heart.

Let him go - he's not your responsibility any more - find someone that's deserving of your love and affection.

Before I stopped talking to him, he told me everything he's lied about and said he wanted to start on a clean slate and be open with me... I won't accept it this time because yes he has made me so extremely paranoid about anything he says, I will QUESTION everything he says now and think he's still lying.
But my question is, if his heart is actually 110% into actually trying to change and if he would keep his word to be honest and faithful how hard is it for a "liar/cheater" to STAY faithful and not flirt or blow off his female friends?

Quote:

Originally Posted by SummersNight

before I stopped talking to him, he told me everything hes lied about and said he wanted to start on a clean slate and be open with me...I won't accept it this time because yes he has made me soo extremely paranoid about anything he says, i will QUESTION everything he says now and think hes still lying.
But my question is, if his heart is actually 110% into actually trying to change and if he would keep his word to be honest and faithful how hard is it for a "liar/cheater" to STAY faithful and not flirt or blow off his female friends?

He may want to be 110% faithful in his heart, but if his pattern is to be 110% unfaithful, it's going to be REALLY hard for him to change his behavior. Because that's all he knows.

Saying he's going to change is not the same as changing. He's used to justifying his bad behavior, he'll do it again.

There is no such thing as a clean slate in this case, because it's already dirty for you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gemini54

He may want to be 110% faithful in his heart, but if his pattern is to be 110% unfaithful, it's gonna be REALLY hard for him to change his behavior. Because that's all he knows.

Saying he's going to change is not the same as changing. He's used to justifying his bad behavior, he'll do it again.

There is no such thing as a clean slate in this case, because it's already dirty for you.

Yeah very true. It's actually getting really hard not to call him and just yell at him for breaking his promise a 2nd time. I put SOO much faith in him. I honestly want to call him and just release all my anger and tell him how much he hurt me... Ugh this is the worst part of breaking up with someone who you loved so much that betrayed you A lot. I just want him to listen to me and understand how badly I wanted it to work out for us. I remember telling him How the F is it so damn hard for you just to not talk to other females and flirt! I have been faithful and it comes effortlessly & his response was.. " I dont know why I did it, it made me lose the person i care about the most..blabh blah" *sighs*

I admit in my past I have cheated on my past girlfriend, I am ashamed of it and regret it. I can tell you now that I would never consider cheating in any way or level. I have realized how cheating effects not only your significant other but more yourself. Trust me if he's 110 percent sure and you at least attempt to put some faith in him, it will work. But make sure he is 110%

Quote:

Originally Posted by halflife1820

I admit in my past i have cheated on my past girlfriend, i am ashamed of it and regret it. I can tell you now that I would never consider cheating in any way or level. I have realized how cheating effects not only your significant other but more yourself. Trust me if hes 110 percent sure and you at least attemp to put some faith in him, it will work. But make sure he is 110%

Yeah I also in my 8yr relationship at the end I made some very wrong choices as well, and I regret them but I've matured and learned from them and I know I would NEVER make the same mistakes again EVER. So I know it IS possible in some cases for people to see there wrongs and right them.

My worry is that its his 2ND time. And how could I tell if he's actually going to try and change?

I'm sorry, I don't want to be mean, but what the hell are you doing talking to this guy?

I don't need to explain that this guy is an A-Class deceiver. Friend or not, leave his sorry @ss alone, he is no good for you.

I can't see taking more chances with him. It will only be a matter of time before you snoop, and find something else that PiZZes you off, and away you go AGAIN. This isn't a relationship, it's a roller coaster.

Do your own healing, and let him do his, and pay his own consequences for his bad behavior, so he can learn, as did you.

That takes time, so don't wait for him to get his act together, not even as a friend, but do enjoy yourself, without him. And you will, IN TIME.

I agree with Tal, no more chances you can't trust him. Once make a mistake, but not twice, he hasn't been honest with you. When he gets caught that's when he comes clean. You can't be a friend to him now, their way too much emotion gong on. Tal, is right something else will hurt you he has done, it would be just a matter of time. A person doesn't change that fast, and it has happened before twice. Make a life for yourself, and in the long run you will be stronger..

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

I can't see taking more chances with him. It will only be a matter of time before you snoop, and find something else that PiZZes you off, and away you go AGAIN. This isn't a relationship, its a roller coaster.

Do your own healing, and let him do his, and pay his own consequences for his bad behavior, so he can learn, as did you.

That takes time, so don't wait for him to get his act together, not even as a friend, but do enjoy yourself, without him. And you will, IN TIME.

Yeah it took me awhile to learn and I didn't even know I changed till I started my new relationship and I just didn't take anything for granted this time..

How do I keep myself from wanting to call him and just curse him out? I invested sooo much into this guy and he knows it. I just can't help but want to make him hear me out and how much he hurt me. Before the NC rule he listened and was extremely remorseful but I just can't help it but to want to pour all my emotions on to him so he can deal and understand... I don't know. I hate the "beginning breakup stages" everything is still so fresh.

Quote:

Originally Posted by SummersNight

Yeah I also in my 8yr relationship at the end I made some very wrong choices as well, and I regret them but I've matured and learned from them and I know I would NEVER make the same mistakes again EVER. So I know it IS possible in some cases for people to see there wrongs and right them.

My worry is that its his 2ND time. and how could I tell if hes actually going to try and change?

Seeing that it is his 2nd time doing this he may have not matured to your level yet or he may whole heartedly have moved past those childish acts. Ive learned in my life it is always better to forgive than forget. If you have it in your heart to forgive and you absolutely love him and know he can make your life amazing than try it out. But look in your heart because as corny as it sounds your heart won't lie to you. As for not knowing if he will try it again, talk to him about it and again your heart will know if he has matured or not.

And also everyone in here is right, you run a huge risk of taking him back. But we don't personally know the two of you and how you truly feel about him. I only speak from experience and if I had not given my girlfriend as of now a second chance as I did, I wouldn't be as happy as I am now.