Ask Me Help Desk - I love her, but I think were better off as friends

I have a girlfriend, of about a year and a half. We've been deeply in love since about month 6, or at least that's when we decided to tell each other. I am absolutely crazy for this girl, were the classic love story to be honest. She cooks me dinner, I buy her flowers, we love just lazing around and watching movies, going for walks, and we enjoy a lot of great sex. We enjoy just about anything we do, we enjoy together. However, my girlfriend started her first year at UWO (University of Western Ontario :)) last September, and she started to suffer from insomnia and depression since last November and on. She started a new birthcontrol in October, so that may have something to do with it (im going to wait to see the effects of a new birthcontrol). For the longest time, she would tell me that she was feeling blue and couldn't sleep, so I would come over and sit with her, calm her down, until about 3 am, then go home to sleep for 3 hours, go to school, go to work, and then do that again. We've been trying to hard to keep our relationship normal, even though half of the party is sad and crying 3/4 of the time. She refuses to see counselling or therapy, or an sort of drug. She also has extreme anxiety, where shell suffer long panic attacks and lose the ability to breathe for stretches of time. Lately however, she has slowly been closing me off. For a month or two, she wouldn't tell me she was feeling bad, or not sleeping, and when she did she refused I come over. The one night we were drunk after a party, and she broke down crying saying that I've failed to be tehre for her so many times, and that all she wants is to be in my arms. But I'm there so much, and offering so much, but she's refusing it all... Now we just seem to bicker a lot. Just last night we were walking to rent some movies (I have the Celestine Prophecy, Shake Hands With The Devil and the Ninth Gate beside me lol) and she started teasing me. She saw a cat crossing the road and yelled KITTY, so I teased her about it, saying it was kind of like those love stories (NOO! Don't GOOO! :)) and she got reeeeally pissed off. And that ticked me off, because she ALWAYS teases me in this manner (eg. Calling me a baby (two years younger), a boy not a man, I have a fat bottom lip) but somehow can't take it herself. I believe in playing fair, and if she can pull these jokes I should be able to pull them too. That's like her wielding a 20th century c7 assault rifle, and me wielding a ing spear. These fights and bicker matches have led to me feeling as though I'm losing my love for her, but when I think of her, truly and purely, all I can feel is love and inseperability. But the more and more she becomes negative, the further I'm drifting. I feel as though I need to tell her were better off as friends before we both get really hurt, but her depressing is so bad that I don't want her to kill herself (she has told me I'm the only one keeping her alive... :( ) and I'm afraid that if were just friends, shell completely close me off from what's going on inside her life, and shell be suffering alone... but I want to be tehre, and bear it with her, I need to, I love her. Please help, I'm desperate for some guidance, I'm torn in both directions and feel as though I'm in a void, there are days that I'm starting to feel just... disconnected from life, just there. Im so sorry this is so long, but I need to paint a good picture, because the best answers come from the people who gather and analyze

She needs to help herself, as obviously you cannot. Google her new birth control, just to have some understanding, but unless she opens up, and lets you in, you really will never have a clue as to what she is about, and a year is barely enough time to know, and understand her.

What you do know so far is, she has a lot of issues that confuse you, and until you have more facts, you have no clue how to help her, do you??

One thing I do know, don't stay because she may hurt herself. Definitely not a good reason to be with someone, and a big red flag, and deal breaker for me.

How you feel about it..? She does need more help than your capable of though.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

She needs to help herself, as obviously you cannot. Google her new birth control, just to have some understanding, but unless she opens up, and lets you in, you really will never have a clue as to what she is about, and a year is barely enough time to know, and understand her.

What you do know so far is, she has a lot of issues that confuse you, and until you have more facts, you have no clue how to help her, do you???

One thing I do know, don't stay because she may hurt herself. Definitely not a good reason to be with someone, and a big red flag, and deal breaker for me.

How you feel about it...................???? She does need more help than your capable of though.

A year isn't much time to COMPLETELY know someone. But in my case, a year is enough to nearly read her mind. She says she non-confrontational, when really its just non-communicational. Anything I try to get her to talk about, fizzles and out and demands a change of subject. And as for staying with her just because she might hurt herself... well that's why I'm asking for help, I don't want that to be the reason, hence friends. And yes, she's needs more help than I am capable of... she needs therapy, counselling, but I don't want her to do the drugs either, but I don't want to voice this, in case they CAN help. Oh and she hasn't COMPLETELY shut me out, as I explained, she began to slowly, however after the drunk fight, she seems to be a little more open, but more and more annoyed by me.

Whether she wants it or not, she needs to seek medical attention. And the longer she refuses, the worse it's going to get. Right now she isn't healthy relationship material. Maybe she can be if she gets the help she needs but right now it isn't good.

I can totally relate to being with someone who can dish it out, but can't take it. That's exhausting isn't it? It makes you become more sensitive to their insults actually. Whereas if you both dished it out, it would feel equitable. Look, she doesn't need YOU. She needs counseling and you can't make her do that. Don't take pity on her either as that will further hurt her self esteem. If you really want to end it, do so and tell her that when she is ready to communicate with you, if you haven't moved on, you might consider hashing things out.

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Originally Posted by inertia

I can totally relate to being with someone who can dish it out, but can't take it. That's exhausting isn't it? It makes you become more sensitive to their insults actually. Whereas if you both dished it out, it would feel equitable. Look, she doesn't need YOU. She needs counseling and you can't make her do that. Don't take pity on her either as that will further hurt her self esteem. If you really want to end it, do so and tell her that when she is ready to communicate with you, if you haven't moved on, you might consider hashing things out.

YES. You know what I mean. I coudnt put my finger on it, but maybe the spawn of some bicker matches have been my increases sensitvity to her "insults" her poking fun, when I can't do it back. Now its more like bullying. I don't want to end it though, that's my problem here. My current state of mind, is a friendship outside of dating for the time being, and finding each other again when she's in a state of mind to treat my like her boyfriend

Did that for two years, didn't get any better. In fact, it got worse. The insults went from calling me a child to treating me like a child. Soon, everything I did was under intense scrutiny and anytime I pointed out something with her, she cried. My friends kept asking me what was wrong with her. These people don't realize that they look like the fools when they constantly tease you in front of people. I said she was depressed and lashing out. They said "so what" and they were right.

You can't help someone who is not willing to help them self.Bottom line is if she is having these issues of depression and insomnia and anxiety,she needs something you can't and should not have to give her.

Support is one thing but she has a dependency on you that is unhealthy.

She needs to see a doctor and understand that your assisting her is just a band aid,not a long term solution.

I've had to deal with something similar. She hated her new job, couldn't sleep, was always depressed, only talked about her job, wanted to die, said I was the only thing that was good with her life, etc.
I stayed by her side, went to the doctor with her, spent all of my spare time helping her, being there, etc. That was after being together for 3 months. I realised the relationship had potential, and that we'd get through to the other side.
Did we get through to the other side? Yep!

But when I had a similar crisis (although to less of a degree, but over a longer period) she left me. At the first doubt.

I'm not saying that it'll happen to you & her, but it is a thought worth thinking. Would she do the same to you? Do her insults indicate something deeper?

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Originally Posted by anewday

I've had to deal with something similar. She hated her new job, couldn't sleep, was always depressed, only talked about her job, wanted to die, said I was the only thing that was good with her life, etc.
I stayed by her side, went to the doctor with her, spent all of my spare time helping her, being there, etc. That was after being together for 3 months. I realised the relationship had potential, and that we'd get through to the other side.
Did we get through to the other side? Yep!

But when I had a similar crisis (although to less of a degree, but over a longer period) she left me. At the first doubt.

I'm not saying that it'll happen to you & her, but it is a thought worth thinking. Would she do the same to you? Do her insults indicate something deeper?

I have already got her to admit that she would seek help if the new birth control doesn't do anything for the depression. And I totally see potential for the relationship, we love each other, and I'm willing to stick it through. However, it seems to me that being in the relationship with this stress is actually deteriorating the relationship. Like... me helping is killing us, but saving her... and if that's how it is, I guess I'm glad. Another thing I need to know is if a break in the relationship is healthy or good in any way, or will it just cause us to drift immensly. Like, a couple months for each other to get stuff back on track, come back fresh and with a new maturity

You do need some time away from each other, maybe that's the problem, so go fishing, see friends, get some balance into your life, and let her be who she is, without you for a few days.

Do you really think she will agree to a break longer than that?