Hi,

Thank you for taking the time to read this, I'll try to keep it as short as I can :)

I've been in a long distance relationship with my girlfriend for about 1.5 years. We visit each other whenever we can. The most recent visit was a disaster - she was acting a little bit odd the whole time - less enthusiastic than normal, quiet, didn't want to cuddle as much, etc. It was nothing noticeable at first, but it gradually got more obvious. By the 5th day I started to question her about it.

After some discussion she told me that she was down because she'd rather be away with the rest of her family. She said that her "oddness" was caused by her trying to work out why she clearly didn't feel the same way about me anymore, and to this day, the only reason she can give is that the "spark" is gone. She said that she didn't even see it coming.

After the initial upset, and after the travel arrangements sorted for the next day, we were just talking to each other again as if nothing had even happened. We were talking none-stop until 1:30AM. She was even fine with sleeping in the same bed for the night, and we hugged/kissed before she went.

We had some more discussion about what went on when she got back - she elaborated a about on her feelings: "when we kissed I didn't get the tickling feeling in my belly anymore", etc. After this I just decided to accept it and go onto the whole "friends" thing instead, because I do enjoy her company - I enjoyed her company in a friendly way before we became lovers also. Let me just make it clear that it was me who suggested the whole friends thing, I didn't see the problem in it...

Its been over a week now. I felt horrible pain the first 2-3 days after the breakup, and although I still feel some pain, it has certainly died down now. I've been reading around the forums here (as well as some other sites), and I am now pretty worried about going with the whole "friends" thing.

Should I move onto no-contact? I'd assume yes. If so, how should I go about it? Should I just not bother contacting her and replying when she contacts me, or should I clearly tell her that I want no contact with her? Keep in mind that we live a long distance away, so our only chances of contact are via voice/text - and that we have been talking as friends for a bit already.

Any opinions on the whole breakup in general would be much appreciated also. I'm having trouble working out if the situation really is "beyond repair". I don't know if I should just give up hope and move on. The whole thing was a little confusing, although I do believe what she says is true (I'm very sure there isn't anyone else or anything like that). I really wonder if I was being too kind about the whole thing also... I thought it would be the right thing to do :confused:

Thanks again for reading, I'll look forward to any replies made. :)

How would you feel if she dated someone else?

I would feel terrible. Really terrible. I'm far from over her, if that is what you are trying to ask. I'm also still not convinced entirely that things are over.

I'd be happy for what you had, sorry that it's over, and looking forward to getting close to someone close. Don't make a special effort to avoid contact, simply stop initiating contact.

Until you can be happy that she is happy, you can never be friends. I suggest you leave her alone until you can be.

Long distance relationships are very hard to maintain and yours is drifting apart, and unless you both have a plan that can work, the distance will always be a wedge between you.

Thanks for the fast replies.

She was very busy for about 1-1.5 months coming up to our meet up. Lots of work, graduation, followed by a holiday immediately after. It makes me wonder if this had something to do with it - she's been out of her normal routine for quite a long time now. We weren't communicating a massive amount during that time either.

Read these, and see if it gives you some insights, but I doubt it will change her mind.

Surviving a Long-Distance Relationship

Long Distance Relationship Advice | The Frisky

It sounds as if the relationship has wound to an end, but I would suggest that you let her know you won't be contacting her for a time.

Whilst I agree with NC under some circumstances, I still believe that as partners we owe each other a duty of care and it's the honorable thing to tell her that you want a break from speaking with her, particularly as you've been such good friends.

Just let her know that you've heard what she's saying - i.e. that the 'spark has gone - and tell her that you're finding it difficult to be friends, and that you will be able to deal with the consequences of this much better if you don't speak or communicate for a while.

Also, I don't think you've 'been too kind' - you've been a decent human being and ultimately you'll (and she'll) respect you for that.

My situation was almost exactly like yours. Long distance ex telling me that she was not "feeling the spark" anymore and that she loved me, but was not in love. The last time I saw her she acted weird and I was the one initiating most of the kisses. She told me and I was devastated. She said she wanted to be friends and I wanted to as well, because I enjoy her company. The thing is if you still have strong feelings for your ex and she does not feel the same about you, then it is best to spend time away from her and stop contact with her at least for a while. When you feel that you have healed and when you can stand the idea of her being with someone else then you can be friends with her. Until then just explain to her that you cannot be friends right now and that you must be alone and have to cutoff contact with her. No matter how much she tells you that you shouldn't (like my ex did) it is crucial that you do this for your emotional well-being. Start no contact and just keep it going (on day 4 myself). Anything can happen in the future, you can end up with her again even haha. No one really knows, but your focus should be on getting over her now and heal before you can even consider being friends. If you try to be her friend now, you will only be soliciting more hurt and it will take so long for you to heal up. The problem is with her and you can't change how she feels so you have to let her go. Its hard, but you can and have to do it.




"But for now ill just beat my feet and get there someway somehow
And mile after mile after mile ill smile
Keepin my head up even though rains porin down
And the road gets rough and the journey is long
I might get tired but i must move on"

Again, thanks for the replies. I'm also on 4 days, but I didn't actually tell her about NC first...

They say you're supposed to learn from each ended relationship.

Are the lines...
- "its not you, its me"
- "I've changed"
-"the spark has gone for me"
... just a load of rubbish? Is there something I'm missing which I can learn from this? Or is it really just "one of those things", like a lot of my friends and family have been telling me?

I read somewhere that the breakee probably knows what the problems were, deep down. I am really struggling to think of any problems we had, and so is she, unless she is just lying to protect my feelings: "I tried to work out why things felt different but I couldn't, and I still can't". Boredom on her part was the first thing which came to mind, but I doubt that she'd be bored all of a sudden after waiting for months to see me.

"the spark has gone" is screaming out sudden loss of attraction to me, is that necessarily true? If so, could her "changing" really have caused this? I'm pretty sure I'm still the same guy that I was when I met her.

Update on my NC status: Its been exactly a week now and she has sent me a friendly text with some general talk and a "how are you doing?" at the end. I was considering deleting it instead but I thought that it would be all right to read it, as long as I didn't reply! I feel a bit out of order for proposing this whole friends thing and then suddenly ignoring her messages. Do you think I should send her something to explain what's going on? Or should I just carry on and not care?

You're lucky you have the advantage of being quite a ways from her: this will actually make the NC process easier of you, and you will heal faster.

Without having to worry about running into her, or seeing her all the time, etc. you can go about living and rebuilding a new life. It will hurt for a while, but going out with friends does WONDERS.

Take this opportunity to reconnect with yourself. Also, take down any pictures of you together. It'll just keep reminding you of the pain. Don't worry if you hurt her feelings, either. She broke your heart by suddenly not caring anymore; don't let her guilt you into talking to her again!

Live for you. You deserve it.

Good luck.

I'm actually feeling quite all right about it all now. Like you say, the long distance makes it a lot easier - not only will we not see each other, my daily routine is no different to what it is half the time anyway! I think the worst part of it so far is the dreams with her in... urgh... if only there were a way to stop those!

Any answers to the questions in my more recent post will be much appreciated also. Thank you! :)

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They say you're supposed to learn from each ended relationship.

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LOL, yes you do learn, but most people don't realize that the learning part comes later, AFTER the healing process has given you some clarity of thought.

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Are the lines...
- "its not you, its me"
- "I've changed"
-"the spark has gone for me"
... just a load of rubbish? Is there something I'm missing which I can learn from this? Or is it really just "one of those things", like a lot of my friends and family have been telling me?

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For whatever reason a partner gives another for the break up, it always a signal that the feelings have changed and really its only natural that people do change, a lot as they grow into themselves. That's human, its also human to have feelings of loss, and learning to cope with the loss. That's just the reality of life, and we learn to adjust to it, and keep living, hopefully in pursuit of our own happiness. I think you'll understand better when you are the one who's feelings change about someone who really loves you, but you have to dump them. That's a life lesson also.

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I read somewhere that the breakee probably knows what the problems were, deep down. I am really struggling to think of any problems we had, and so is she, unless she is just lying to protect my feelings: "I tried to work out why things felt different but I couldn't, and I still can't". Boredom on her part was the first thing which came to mind, but I doubt that she'd be bored all of a sudden after waiting for months to see me.

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You don't have the same perspective that your ex has so of course you can't know what she feels and its hard to understand what she can be talking about through your own hurt, pain, and most of all, SHOCK!

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"the spark has gone" is screaming out sudden loss of attraction to me, is that necessarily true? If so, could her "changing" really have caused this? I'm pretty sure I'm still the same guy that I was when I met her.

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A break up usually is about one partners' feelings changing for the other. The shock and hurt we feel always point the finger at the one who is dumped, but in reality its not about the one who was dumped at all. Its about the one who's feelings have changed (dumper). We just take it so personally when we are the one who gets dumped.

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Update on my NC status: Its been exactly a week now and she has sent me a friendly text with some general talk and a "how are you doing?" at the end. I was considering deleting it instead but I thought that it would be alright to read it, as long as I didn't reply!

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You read it, now delete it. What can be served by keeping it, and rereading it, except to stir up old feelings.

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I feel a bit out of order for proposing this whole friends thing and then suddenly ignoring her messages.

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You proposed the friends thing to keep her in your life in case her feelings change BACK to what they were. That's so normal after a break up, so its weird when she takes you up on the friends stuff and approaches you as a friend. To bad, huh, your not ready for that step, and you won't be for quite some time. Sucks I know.

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Do you think I should send her something to explain what's going on? Or should I just carry on and not care?

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You keep No Contact, as this is about you healing and not trying to explain things. After a while, you can heal, and would have moved beyond the hurt, but any reply by you will only hurt more. If you were further along in the healing process, or had no more false hope, then telling her the truth about your not ready for friends would be acceptable, (she may be hurt by that) but for now, you first, and forget what she wants. Not to hurt her, but to heal.

Most exes will get the message and stop trying to be friends after a few messages go unanswered, but some will get mad because they think your ignoring them(you are, but not out of hate or anger, but out of love for yourself, and your own emotional health). None of this concerns you now.

Talaniman Rule- When you get dumped, disappear from their lives and REVOKE their relationship privileges