Ask Me Help Desk - Not seen daughter in 6 years

Hi , Can anyone help with an issue that is tearing me up inside .
6 years ago I went through a really nasty divorce , at the time I had a daughter of 10 years old who I loved dearly, she hated us going through a divorce but always told me she loved me and I always told her I loved her too but now after 6 years of not seeing her due to her mother and partner putting a stop to it I received a letter from the mental health association saying that my daughter was an out patient and would like to meet me on a one to one basis . I never even knew she was having mental issues ? (I was shocked) but I was told that what my daughter wanted to say to me was not very nice and may upset me! But I agreed to go along because of the last 6 years my life has been so sad without her in my life, I love her to bits I have no mum or dad and my brother is dying of cancer at this moment now ! Everyone knows how much I love my daughter and were all wishing me well on the day. But when we met for the first time in 6 years I never recognised her and she never did me... and then she came out with all these nasty things about me and told me she hated me and referred me as IT not dad ! And said her new step dad has been more of a father to her than I ever have ever been and said all her friends hate me even her new boyfriend and she said all the birthday cards and xmas cards I sent she burns them and says she hates my new wife and kids and kept bringing up past events when I was bad to her and even made some stories up that were not true she even said I sexually abused her when I can swear on my mum and dads death bed I never did . I was taken back and was emotionally disturbed this was not the daughter I knew and it brought me to tears she was so nasty about everything I was heartbroken and still am... All the years I have missed her had councilling had time off work and always lived in the hope that one day I would see my daughter again were shatterd by this 16 year old girl who I never recognised any more... She left by saying she never wants to see me ever again she hates me and one day I will get what's coming to me making threats which me and my wife reported to the police because 2 years ago my ex wife's new partner came round to my house threatening to kill me and was taken away by the police . I have always been threatened by my ex and her family cause I brought things up in court about my ex wife being sexually abused by her father and brothers and her grandad as I tried to get custody of my daughter , but my ex wife went mad about this although she admitted to the courts she had been abused by her family she said it was the past and she trusts her dad and brothers now... can you see what I'm up against here I feel my daughter has been poisoned and now she hates me I'm devastated . I am a very loving person soft and wear my heart on my sleeve I don't know how to deal with all this can anyone help !
I appreciate anyone helping me.
Paul

If she is being unreasonable and nasty there really isn't much you can do.
You say she said she threw away the cards and all that you sent her so sending something with your side of the story she would do the same most likely.
The mother has turned her into a younger image of her so getting through to her isn't going to do a bit of good.
It's sickening how moms can do this to their kids.
Next time she wants to get things off her chest tell her it is your turn to tell your side or you aren't bothering to see her.

What help do you want? You paint a very sad story and I feel for you but there is no question here or request for help.

It seems clear that your ex and her new husband has turned your daughter against you. I have to say, even though it may hurt you more, that this is partially your fault. If the divorce decree gave you visitation rights and joint custody then you should have been enforcing those rights and not letting your ex block you from seeing your daughter. That could be part of why they were able to turn her, because she believes that you abandoned her.

Did you talk to the counselor who arranged the meeting? Did you explain to that person the truth of the situation? If not, then you should contact them and meet with them with whatever proof you can offer. If your daughter is seeing this counselor, they may be able to help undue the damage your ex has done.l

In the meantime, you need to seek counseling on your own to help you deal with this. You apparently have a new family and you need to seek comfort in that.

Yeah a good question is what where the circumstances that you never kept a relationship/visitations with her?

Quote:

Originally Posted by N0help4u

Yeah a good question is what where the circumstances that you never kept a relationship/visitations with her?

When going through the divorce things were brought up about my ex wife's family and how she was abused by her brothers and her own father and she told me that if I mentioned anything about this to my daughter then she would stop me ever seeing her again. I did mention something about it but only because I was afraid for my daughter having close contact with her grandad. I just wanted to make sure my daughter was safe.

So why didn't you go for a court order for joint custody and visitations?

Quote:

Originally Posted by N0help4u

so why didn't you go for a court order for joint custody and visitations?

I was in court on several occasions and they all came to an agreement that my daughter would be allowed my mobile phone number and I was able to send her gifts and videos and cards and that my ex wife should keep me informed of any significant changes to do with my daughter but she has never adhered to it and has in fact been in breach of the court order.
I have spoken to solicitors about this and they said because of the breach of court your ex wife could even face imprisonment for breach of court but the solicitor also told me how do you think this will affect your daughter, she would blame you for these actions and for taking her mother away from her.
I have tried to give my daughter gifts, cards, letters and on many occasions she has not been given these gifts because her mother has stopped them. I have already spent £6000 on solicitors fees and now the solicitor said it would cost a minimum of £2000 to get access but my daughter never wants to see me again and they told me to wait until she gets older so she has a mind of her own and she will come looking for you. I had to draw a line somewhere otherwise I'd have lost every last penny I owned especially after my ex wife took 75% of the divorce settlement and moved in with her new partner and lied in court about cohabiting with him saying he was just a friend.

I figured as much
You should have gone for the breach because she has had worse damage due to your ex.
If you ever do talk to her again tell her that her mother did everything to keep you away and poison her mind with lies.

Quote:

Originally Posted by clemo36

I have spoken to solicitors about this and they said because of the breach of court your ex wife could even face imprisonment for breach of court but the solicitor also told me how do you think this will affect your daughter, she would blame you for these actions and for taking her mother away from her.

I think you got bad advice. Yes, jail was a consequence of violating the court orders, but its rare it would go that far. Your ex counted on that. What you needed to do was stand up to her and let her (and your daughter) know that you wanted to be a part of her life. If your wife knew you and the law was serious, even to the point of spending a night or two in jail, it could have made a difference. But the point is moot, its too late now.

I think your only option now is to work through your daughter's counselor.

Yeah he does need a mediator.

Quote:

Originally Posted by N0help4u

I figured as much
You should have gone for the breach because she has had worse damage due to your ex.
If you ever do talk to her again tell her that her mother did everything to keep you away and poison her mind with lies.

Thank you, I totally agree with what you are saying but one issue I still have is that my ex father-in-law doesn't know that his daughter (my ex wife) has told of the abuse she suffered from him when she was younger, I have this black in and white from the social service report and I feel my ex father-in-law needs to read what his daughter has been saying about him. How do you feel about this, would this cause a massive upset?

Quote:

Originally Posted by clemo36

Thank you, I totally agree with what you are saying but one issue I still have is that my ex father-in-law doesn't know that his daughter (my ex wife) has told of the abuse she suffered from him when she was younger, I have this black in and white from the social service report and I feel my ex father-in-law needs to read what his daughter has been saying about him. How do you feel about this, would this cause a massive upset?

What does this have to do with anything? Your ex's relationship with her father has nothing to do with you at this point. I can see your having a concern about your daughter's relationship with her grandfather, but since you lost control of that and since your daughter is old enough, at this point to deal with it, it shouldn't be part of your concern.

Your one and only concern now should be to see if there is anyway you can restore some relationship with your daughter. And the ONLY way I see that happening is through her counselor.

Are you asking that if you open a can of worms then maybe your daughter would see that she has been being lied to and manipulated by a vengeful mother?

Keep in mind that she's 16. Add an absentee father for six years, and a mother with problems of her own that she's probably talked to your daughter about.

Unfortunately, what that will do is replace the hurt and abandonment she felt toward you, into reasons for her thinking that justify a means to an end by her mother. All her mother would have to do is talk about her own abuse, and maybe even use that as a reason for her leaving you in the first place.

Your daughter through the six years would not have understood what you had tried to do on her behalf. She has only one side of the story.

Because it was the mental health association setting up this ambush on you, you need to speak to the counsellors supervisor. I am presuming this meeting was not monitored in any way? Was the counsellor there?

Confrontations of this manner had likely been talked about. Ultimately the decision is up to your daughter what she is going to say, but others were probably aware of what the nature of the meeting was going to be, and you had no idea. That's why I call it an ambush. There was no intent to heal, or work toward establishing a relationship. It was meant only for her to give you that emotional whammy and some idiot probably thought that was good for her to do, and likely would never have happened, had the counsellor known both sides of the story.

I would, as others have suggested, visit the mental health clinic where your daughter is being seen. Let it be known to her worker's supervisor that you are not pleased at being set up this way. Give them history that explains your side of things. Offer to attend counselling with your daughter to address the issues, and insist that it be a supervised meeting.

Additionally, I would write out the history, all of it, and present this to the social worker, and ask her to consider your input as necessary to effective treatment of your daughter. How they can treat your daughter with only half her history is beyond me.

You are not helpless here. You may be beat up and emotionally exhausted, but, to sit back and not tackle this will get you nowhere. You need to stick up for yourself, and realize that many wrongs are being directed your way as the cause of your daughters problems. The more involved you are in correcting that misconception, the better off you will be in the long run.

It is also not beyond possibility that she could actually have you charged with sexual abuse, I think. Not at all sure about that one, because I think you are in the UK. Anyway, to be silenced over fear of further retaliation by her is not the way to go.

So, unless there is more to the story, and the flip side involved violence or abuse toward any party, then get crackin'. You have a lot of work to do.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jake2008

Keep in mind that she's 16. Add an absentee father for six years, and a mother with problems of her own that she's probably talked to your daughter about.

Unfortunately, what that will do is replace the hurt and abandonment she felt toward you, into reasons for her thinking that justify a means to an end by her mother. All her mother would have to do is talk about her own abuse, and maybe even use that as a reason for her leaving you in the first place.

Your daughter through the six years would not have understood what you had tried to do on her behalf. She has only one side of the story.

Because it was the mental health association setting up this ambush on you, you need to speak to the counsellors supervisor. I am presuming this meeting was not monitored in any way? Was the counsellor there?

Confrontations of this manner had likely been talked about. Ultimately the decision is up to your daughter what she is going to say, but others were probably aware of what the nature of the meeting was going to be, and you had no idea. That's why I call it an ambush. There was no intent to heal, or work toward establishing a relationship. It was meant only for her to give you that emotional whammy and some idiot probably thought that was good for her to do, and likely would never have happened, had the counsellor known both sides of the story.

I would, as others have suggested, visit the mental health clinic where your daughter is being seen. Let it be known to her worker's supervisor that you are not pleased at being set up this way. Give them history that explains your side of things. Offer to attend counselling with your daughter to address the issues, and insist that it be a supervised meeting.

Additionally, I would write out the history, all of it, and present this to the social worker, and ask her to consider your input as necessary to effective treatment of your daughter. How they can treat your daughter with only half her history is beyond me.

You are not helpless here. You may be beat up and emotionally exhausted, but, to sit back and not tackle this will get you nowhere. You need to stick up for yourself, and realize that many wrongs are being directed your way as the cause of your daughters problems. The more involved you are in correcting that misconception, the better off you will be in the long run.

It is also not beyond possibility that she could actually have you charged with sexual abuse, I think. Not at all sure about that one, because I think you are in the UK. Anyway, to be silenced over fear of further retaliation by her is not the way to go.

So, unless there is more to the story, and the flip side involved violence or abuse toward any party, then get crackin'. You have a lot of work to do.

Thank you so much for your help I can relate to everything you are saying especially writing everything down that has happened in the past cause there is one incident when I brought up in court about my ex father in law abusing my ex wife that I had my ex wife's new partner coming round my house threatening me telling me to drop things to do with my ex father in law otherwise he and my ex wife would see to it that I never see my daughter again and I have a witness who I was going out with at the time who can clarify this .
I tell you this has been a nightmare for me, all throughout my divorce I hardly had any support from anyone where as my ex wife had the support of her father who is very well off financially and got all the top barristers and solicitors regardless of cost . My solicitor was useless and I told her that, she was made to look stupid in the courtroom by my ex wife's barrister who was very impressive if I must say .
I can't fight anymore I feel drained especially with my brother dying of cancer this is all too much for me . My wife is there for me and very understanding about the situation and very angry about my ex wife's behaviour and especially my ex wife's new partner he is a bully he is in the army and no understanding of what its like being a father .

I thank you once again for your time in trying to help me bless your heart .

You're welcome Clem.

One thing that you can hang onto is that some day, and probably not that far down the road, she will be out and on her own, and maturity alone will help her see that things just didn't add up with her mother. Then she will contact you and I know you'd welcome her with open arms.

I am so sorry about your brother. I don't know if there is anything more difficult than loving someone, and knowing you are going to lose them, and there is nothing you can do. I've been through it.

All you can do is the best you can. You may want to consider writing everything out, instead of personally visiting the mental health clinic. I did likewise several years ago, only to a hospital. Because it was registered, and they accepted it, they were therefore aware of the information it contained. That has come in useful over the years. It's all about balance.

Keep us posted how you're making out. Good luck.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jake2008

Confrontations of this manner had likely been talked about. Ultimately the decision is up to your daughter what she is going to say, but others were probably aware of what the nature of the meeting was going to be, and you had no idea. That's why I call it an ambush. There was no intent to heal, or work toward establishing a relationship. It was meant only for her to give you that emotional whammy and some idiot probably thought that was good for her to do, and likely would never have happened, had the counsellor known both sides of the story.

I agree with much of what you said, but I think you missed something. In the OP, Clemo stated; "but i was told that what my daughter wanted to say to me was not very nice and may upset me !" So this wasn't exaclty an ambush. Remember also, that the daughter was the patient and the therapist's first loyalty is to their patient. Confronting the source of one's angst, is often considered therapeutic and that was probably her therapists feelings. But talking to that therapist and making sure they are aware of the other side of the story may help.

There are ways around this via courts and access rights but with your daughter being old enough to basically be allowed to have the choice into which to see you or not and at the moment she chooses not to there is not much you can do.
As for the hurtfull comments it maybe that your daughter was venting out the anger and resentment of the missing 6 years!
Children and adults sometimes voice their anger at the wrong person but your daughter as you stated is under the mental health team so therefore has underlying issues.
Do you know the extent/reasons for her being mentally unstable?
By you being called to come and see her I would guess that many problems come from these missing 6 years and what has happened in this time.