This is complicated. I have had a life-long friendship with my first love. He is my oldest brother's best friend. We dated for three years when I was a teenager, split up over a misunderstanding and never discussed the situation. We both married the people we started dated when we stopped seeing each other. Because of our families' histories, we have seen each other occasionally throughout the years. Forward 28 years. We have both raised our children, been divorced from first spouses and remarried to others. (never single at the same time) About four years ago, we discussed our breakup for the first time. We began to email and to visit a little about our lives when we would run into each other. Occasionally, we would find ourselves working on the same project because he and older brother and I share access to the same piece of property which requires upkeep. Both of our current marriages have struggled, we both have been separated more than once from our current spouses and I am now in the process of divorcing after discovering my husband has been having an affair and admitting that neither of us has been happy for many years. About two months ago, First Love and I attended a funeral of a mutual friend after which we visited at length. He told me that he had always been drawn to me, that he fought it and that he knew he would always love me. I told him that I felt the same, figured I always would after over thirty years. We disussed how we enjoyed each other and how we felt so comfortable but also sexually attracted to each other. Mind you, at this point we had never touched other than a hug at funerals. Well, after I filed for divorce, we spent an afternoon working together on a project. We eventually kissed. The feelings are incredible, neither of us dared to hope we could be this happy with someone at this stage in our lives. We are grandparents! But alas, he is still married. He has been unhappy for years, and separated for over a year at one time, but he is still married. We both want to be happy, and think we could be happy together, but I am not the type of person to pursue my happiness at the expense of someone else's. But then, I think, his wife isn't happy either so why should I feel quilty if he leaves her? And the real question is this: Should I just refuse to see him at all unless and until he leaves his wife? It already feels that we have wasted so much time, I don't want to waste more, but I don't want to be in a relationship based on deciet and lies. Help. He has been the love of my life, and I want to be patient but also want to attempt to regain some integrity here. We have not been physical except for a few passionate kisses and verbally exchanging words about what we would love to do for each other. We have not gone further because we know when we do actually have sex we will have trouble maintaining any objectivity and perspective. Thanks, I am so overwhelmed I know I can not be objective or clear in my thinking.

Demand nothing, but do stay within the boundaries of good behavior, and business etiquette. He is married, and has to deal with his home in a reasonable proper manner, without your influence, or you will only be a safe haven for his unhappiness. Even if he did leave, its unfair, and unhealthy, for him to just rebound into another relationship, so soon after leaving his current one. He will have to unpack his past baggage first, and that could take time.

I don't care how attracted to each other you are, nor for how long, the fact is you BOTH have made these mistakes with others, and I'm sure the feelings were fantastic in the beginning, only to fizzle, for whatever reasons, later, and the marriages ended. That's something to pay attention to.

I give you the credit though, for seeing things in a realistic way, and asking this question, but I hope you see that being a cheater with a married guy, or giving him a reason to leave his wife, may not be a healthy, or desirable way to proceed.

Sorry, I couldn't be more helpful. But I hope you do the right thing for you both.

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Originally Posted by livinagain

Should I just refuse to see him at all unless and untill he leaves his wife?

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Yes. Until then you do nothing.

My god,he's married.

Do you know how much pain his wife will be in,even if he leaves her or she leaves him and two minutes later he's with you?

Respect what they had and move on,for his sake,your sake,and her sake.

You will never get back what you had before he got married and you got married,this is a fantasy in your head, of going back in time.

The truth is it is shattered.

And you can shatter a lot more people going through with it.

There is nothing you can do. He hasn't left his wife, and deep down their might be a reason why he hasn't left her. Nothing you can do right now, since he is a married man. I am glad you know your boundaries, but you stepped over the line by kissing him. He is still someone else's husband. You said your husband had an affair, and your in the process of divorce, if you proceed you would be that other woman too. It's not a good situation, sorry.

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Originally Posted by 57373

My god,he's married.

Do you know how much pain his wife will be in,even if he leaves her or she leaves him and two minutes later he's with you?

Respect what they had and move on,for his sake,your sake,and her sake.

You will never get back what you had before he got married and you got married,this is a fantasy in your head, of going back in time.

The truth is it is shattered.

And you can shatter a lot more people going through with it.

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Of course I don't know how much pain anyone would be in, and neither do you. It is our nature to assume we know things apply to others because they apply to us, but after having been through many different issues related to this subject, I know now that it is easy to sit on the sidelines and judge. This is not a fantasy. I agree, it isn't right to kiss another woman's husband. But to belittle my feelings and our relationship means that you probably have no concept of what is going on. Yes, there is black and white, right and wrong. But there are also shades of grey in my life. I admit I have no business being with him, or loving him as I do. And the fact that I love him is what has kept it to only a kiss. I don't want to be any more disrespectful of his marriage than I already have been. But face the facts, if a man, at our age, is wanting a relationship outside his marriage and he has no history of infedelities, there is something wrong in the marriage. Again, I have no rights here, I get that, but some have said that I do have a right to how I feel. Be careful, I said I would never do to another woman what I thought was done to me. I now see it from a very different perspective. Not that it makes it right, it just means that I have been humbled somewhat. Never say never.

He's married and so he's off limits. Tell him to call you if and when his current marriage ever ends. Also, not to play devil's advocate here, but keep in mind that you've both already had 2 unsuccessful marriages. Do you and he really want to chance getting serious with someone again? Think about it.

If you are in love with a married man, you really need to sit back and take in some good advice. There are typically two situations in which you may feel this way. In the first situation you may be in love with someone who is married, but may not be acting on it. When you are only at this stage in the game, you should try to get this person out of your mind. You may just feel like you need someone like this man. You may want the type of life he provides his wife with. You may not really be in love with him at all, but the idea of a man like him. So, back off and find a single guy before you go playing “Home Wrecker”.

If you are having an affair with a married man, you really need to re-evaluate what you are doing to yourself. Of course you are really taking part in ruining a family, but that all aside, you are not doing much for your own life either. You may think that he will leave his wife for you, and he might have even told you so, but most married men having affairs never leave their wife. So, before you hurt anyone else or waste anymore time, you might want to get out.

One thing you should think about is that his wife and family will always come before you, no matter how many problems he claims to have at home. Keeping you his secret is an obvious sign that he is not ready to lose his wife. If he was, then he would just leave her and be with you, but instead- he has chosen to spare her the pain and embarrassment because he loves her- and will continue to keep you a secret for as long as you let him. Are you ready to be second priority?

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Originally Posted by livinagain

Of course I don't know how much pain anyone would be in, and neither do you. It is our nature to assume we know things apply to others because they apply to us, but after having been through many different issues related to this subject, I know now that it is easy to sit on the sidelines and judge. This is not a fantasy. I agree, it isnt right to kiss another woman's husband. But to belittle my feelings and our relationship means that you probably have no concept of what is going on. yes, there is black and white, right and wrong. But there are also shades of grey in my life. I admit I have no business being with him, or loving him as I do. And the fact that I love him is what has kept it to only a kiss. I don't want to be any more disrespectful of his marriage than I already have been. But face the facts, if a man, at our age, is wanting a relationship outside his marriage and he has no history of infedelities, there is something wrong in the marriage. Again, I have no rights here, I get that, but some have said that I do have a right to how I feel. Be careful, I said I would never do to another woman what I thought was done to me. I now see it from a very different perspective. Not that it makes it right, it just means that I have been humbled somewhat. Never say never.

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This is BS response. Don't come here and ask a question and then get offended when someone tells you to stay back because he's married. You are in no position to start judging anyone and from what I can tell that answer was polite and considerate. We aren't hear to enable your so called shades of grey. We are here to give you the truth. That's what you got and you need to deal with it, not the ones you asked for advice from and gave it to you.

I really think that he's the one that's got to decide on what he's going to do. Until he does, you two need to behave. When and if he does get a divorce( from an unhappy marriage), I think you should really see if it's meant to be . Good luck, it may not be too late after all.

I don't really see the grey area,because I just see imposing on a MARRIED MAN,kind of selfish.

I believe there is a time for exes to get back together,sure.

If both parties have not dated anyone since.

The second you date someone else you are basically telling the person before them "I have moved on and my commitment is therefore transfered"

So to revoke moving on,yeah I do see it as selfish.

You want to act as though his feelings for this new girl,and marriage never existed,you want to downplay it because of your past.

You are no longer teenagers.

If you both harbored feelings all of those years,you should have never hopped into new relationships,let alone marriage.

And yes a lot of us here do hold some bias,because we were left for someone who was 'just a friend' but they developed feelings for.

Imagine that woman your husband left you for telling her friends 'I have feelings for him,but he's married what should I do'

and they say 'go for it it's meant to be'

Your telling me that wouldn't disgust you? it does me,and I was never in your shoes.

From an outsiders perspective,perhaps you have some bitterness towards the woman who ruined your relationship,thus you feel morally able to do the same to someone else.

two wrongs=/ right

So you think its OK for him to look elsewhere if he isn't happy while he is married? He can't be that unhappy because he hasn't left his wife and he has chose to be with her. You are actually living that and going through that now with your husband and that is why your getting divorced. So this guy leaves his wife, what makes you think he won't cheat on you too. Then your back to square one.

I think we all telling you not to be a free, and easy excuse for a married man to cheat.

You just have to read all the posts here started by distraught mistresses, that fell for the same excuse, "I am not happy with my wife", and it may be true, or it may not be. Doesn't matter one bit.

All you know is what he tells you, and that's from his view. Step back, and see what he does, and don't get carried away with what seems like your opportunity to go back, and find happiness. ITS NOT, there is much more than you know, and things can get terribly messy between you two and his family.

As you said, you have experienced life on the other side of the coin, so don't you dare justify continuing down this path.

We don't want you hurt, and that's what our advice is about. Unanimously I may add.

Married women tend to have affairs with married men - rather than with single men - for MANY reasons.
Married women and married men have a similar amount of discretionary time available. While much of their time may be committed to their families,both can secretly take a few hours to be together during the day, in the evening or on the weekend. Married women believe married men will not become dependent on them, that they won't tell and that they are less likely to have a sexually transmitted disease.

Wives believe this type of relationship adds to the stability of their marriage. They also believe their married lovers will be faithful to them.

While sex occurs in most affairs, communication is a feature women value highly. Women want someone to talk to and confide in. Men are more verbally expressive with their lovers than with their wives.

Rarely is there a single reason why a person has an affair, rather, there are a multitude of reasons.

Perhaps a women thinking of an affair needs to look at these needs?

1. Improves self-esteem She enjoys the attention and compliments about her abilities as well as her body.
2. New and varied sexual experience She feels freer to experiment and explore with a lover than with her husband whether this is actual intercourse of just talking about it.
3. Emotional connection - she desires emotional closeness and intimacy
4. Loneliness she needs someone to talk with who will listen to her
5. Deeper understanding of self she learns from exploring her feelings and thoughts with someone who cares for her
6. Feel younger and sexier her lover's desire for her sexually makes her feel playful and free
7. fear of aging she is afraid getting older will eliminate her attractiveness to men

I think maybe there could be deeper underlying issues that need to be addressed before encountering on another relationship of any kind.

I think your married man should get a divorce before you continue your fling.

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Originally Posted by livinagain

And the fact that I love him is what has kept it to only a kiss. I don't want to be any more disrespectful of his marriage than I already have been.

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For some reason this statement doesn't make sense to me. Notice how you said that it is "kept to only a kiss". Sorry but that does not make it any better. You are now a cheater. Takes two to cheat. I suggest you leave him alone, accept that he is married and move on with your life.

I would just leave him alone for now. You obviously feel somewhat guilty already for what you have done "so far", if that's the case then you should know what you need to do. You don't need us to tell you what the right thing is.

He's married, still with his wife. He tells you he has feelings for you, but still hasn't left her.

Can you honestly say that by chance if you two were to eventually get together in the future, you wouldn't be concern that he would cheat on you? A person with a proven track record of failed marriages should be sending up a "red flag" to you.

Really think about it. There could be a chance that he could call you up one day and tell you that he loves his wife and he wants to work things out with her so he ends his contact with you.. your so very hung up on him right now but prepare yourself that it may not work out the way that you want. And you need to be fair to his wife, she may know nothing of how he feels about the marriage, just put yourself in her place, all your feelings aside think about how you would feel if you were the wife.
Just remember that if you embark on this affair with him then you have only yourself to blame for your actions and its your guilt that you must bare with it. Then ask yourself is it worth it?

I do understand what livinagain is going through. I to have the same situation. My first love and I found each other after 28 years, I am single,and yes, he is married. We have spoke in length to how much he has always loved me, and how he never would have married his wife, if he had found me, of course he didn't, so he married. He has said how he and his wife have been having problems for many years, and he is thinking of leaving. I also have loved him always. We were together 5 years before we parted... Here is the difference. I have not crossed that line with even a kiss. We both know how wrong that would be. We have an understanding, that if he does leave his wife, then and only then, will we discuss us. Yes, my heart aches for him so very much, but if he doesn't leave his wife, I can walk away with dignity knowing I did not tear up a family. If the marriage ends, it has nothing to do with me. Maybe we will be together, but maybe not. But we will both be happy knowing how much we always will love each other, forever...

I am in the same situation and believe that we were meant to be together but because of poor choices we have made we are not. Get your life in order and do what you want. If that means getting out of a bad marriage then do so because it's not working.. . Not because you want to be with him. Be patient and live your life. Don't give up on your love for him but don't let it become some cheap affair. You both have acknowledged your mutual feelings and until he is ready to do his part (if and when he is ready) there is nothing you can do but go about your life. Don't push him or pressure him. Just be your happy loving self and let him know that you can't see each other until he makes and puts into action the decision to be with you. You really have no other choice here. Focus on you and your life and put him on the back burner until he puts you on the front burner.

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Originally Posted by livinagain

... We both want to be happy, and think we could be happy together, but I am not the type of person to pursue my happiness at the expense of someone elses. But then, I think, his wife isnt happy either so why should I feel quilty if he leaves her? And the real question is this: Should I just refuse to see him at all unless and untill he leaves his wife?

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If you are not the type of person to pursue happiness at the expense of someone else, I suggest you find out for sure if his wife is happy or not. She might be happy, and then you will feel guilty for being the woman that took her happiness away.