Ask Me Help Desk - Is it normal to lash out at an ex?

An ex who cheated on you/left you for someone else.

We have attempted to be friends a million times,and I'm sure my behavior comes off as bipolar but it's just these regressed feelings of anger.

My ex would write me "i'm sorry for everything"

And I would respond with something like "shut the f*** up and die you stupid w****"

But on the other hand I had my ex tell me she loved someone else,and I meant nothing,in the same "i'm sorry sentence"

But it has always been back and forth with her,the more angrier I got,the more she would apologize (never in person always the phone or IM)

It is for this reason,so she says, that she 'did love me' but I pushed her away

I don't know if that's possible... push her away into a new relationship because I yelled,because I found out she cheated?

I need clarity

I am also still a teenager so these emotions aren't really mature,I know.

But if you had been through,being cheated on two times,then left for someone else

Every time you regained trust... it was done again.

I simply cannot think about my ex and smile and say the past is the past,it is impossible!

It's like looking in the face of the guy who ran over my dog and shaking his hand.

Until you've recovered from the breakup, it's not a good idea to try to attempt to be friends. Just talking to him will make you more fustrated and unhappy. Stop talking to him. If he attempts to contact you, just ignore him. Leave each other alone and live your own lives.

Quote:

Originally Posted by I wish

Until you've recovered from the breakup, it's not a good idea to try to attempt to be friends. Just talking to him will make you more fustrated and unhappy. Stop talking to him. If he attempts to contact you, just ignore him. Leave each other alone and live your own lives.

*her Anyway,that really wasn't my question.My question was more-so,was my reaction justified or abusive? I'm not so sure that I was 'crazy' about it,but everyone seems to think that isn't how you react to a situation like that.

And I haven't spoken to my ex in quite awhile (2 months) Though I'm reflecting on what she said.

That I pushed her away because of how I react to things.

Sorry about that, *her.

Give yourself more time to reflect on the breakup. You're still in the recovery process.

As for your behavior. You definitely went overboard. Stay calm. Even though you break up, it doesn't mean you should say anything negative to your ex.

Learn to take the high road. Don't always blame the other person. It's always a two-way street. Reflect on your own behavior before blaming someone. Even if it was the other person's fault, be professional about it. Never disrespect someone even if they disrespect you.

Don't burn your bridges.

Everyone acts in there own way when emotions are involved. She hurt you. She deceived you when you loved her and trusted her. I think its best to stay away and have no contact with her. Seems like she is building your anger more and more. I am sure your feelings for her are still there and your speaking out of true hurt. Just walk away and leave her to her new life. You will heal.

Stay away from each other. This is a trigger of stress for you, so keep your distance. You didn't make someone cheat, they did it because THEY WANTED TO. Time will heal this, I promise. Just carry on ,be happy, and enjoy your life. Like you said, you're still young. Don't waste any more energy on this. Don't answer the calls, delete the messages, etc. Good luck, and I hope you're successful in anything you do.

You just need time away from her to get over your anger at her for her bad behavior, and forgive yourself for allowing it again... and again.

After all that though, sorry just won't cut it from her.

But you know the drill, stop talking to her, and re-feeling the anger.

As someone who has been in this situation a few times I can tell you this isn't because you're a teenager. You had a reasonable expection of behavior to expect from someone and they let you down. That is why you can't be friends with her and every time you get away you think "it's okay I can" and when you get back to trying your brain starts acting out to protect you and starts all the anger as a means to keep that person away. You can't really go back at this point and be a friend because you gave more then friendship and she couldn't be trusted so as a friend she isn't going to be trusted either. The feelings and anger are normal but it's up to you and you alone to get her out of your life so it isn't continuous.

I don't think this is normal behavior for ANYONE. You need to distance yourself from her, and possibly get some counseling for your obvious pent up and regressed anger and aggression towards her because of her cheating. Your obviously not dealing with it the way you should be.

*hugs* good luck hon. I'm sorry your going through this

Quote:

Originally Posted by 57373

My question was more-so,was my reaction justified or abusive?

Justifiable? No
Understandable? Yes
Abusive? Yes.

I've done this a few times myself. Stay away from her, otherwise you'll continue to rehash these angry feelings.

Quote:

Originally Posted by slapshot_oi

Justifiable? No
Understandable? Yes
Abusive? Yes.

I've done this a few times myself. Stay away from her, otherwise you'll continue to rehash these angry feelings.

What boggles my mind though,is I am labeled the 'crazy angry ex'.And the idea of 'peace' is expected of me?

I'm not sure if anyone here has had someone who cheated on you/lied to you in a severe way come out and say

"hey what's up,hope you're having a nice day"

They might as well insult your dead relatives... imo.

Quote:

Originally Posted by 57373

What boggles my mind though,is I am labled the 'crazy angry ex'.And the idea of 'peace' is expected of me?.

I'm not sure if anyone here has had someone who cheated on you/lied to you in a severe way come out and say

"hey what's up,hope you're having a nice day"

They might as well insult your dead relatives...imo.

Everyone who frequents this board has been cheated on and lied to.

You earned that label because you won't leave her a lone. When you see her you go bananas, and instead of putting a stop to it you go back for more, it's masochistic. So, of course people will think you're the crazy ex.

Stop talking to her; you don't need to hear her meaningless messages wishing you a nice day. 'cause it'll just set you off.

Quote:

Originally Posted by 57373

What boggles my mind though,is I am labled the 'crazy angry ex'.And the idea of 'peace' is expected of me?.

I've been that crazy guy. Sometimes I even lost it when no one was around just thinking about how I was lied to or used. I'm a very blunt person and I expect the same back because I have a belief that I'd rather hear the truth then be lied to. Unfortunately, I've met women. They do not tend to follow my same belief. Same can be said of guys, but I've never dated those.

I've also been like you trying to go back even as a friend and that does not work. It causes the regeration of those memories and you get stuck in a neutral place where you can't move forward because you can never let go. It just goes in circles.

Quote:

Originally Posted by 57373

I'm not sure if anyone here has had someone who cheated on you/lied to you in a severe way come out and say

"hey what's up,hope you're having a nice day"

More then once.

Quote:

Originally Posted by 57373

They might as well insult your dead relatives...imo.

I understand exactly where you are coming from. You give your all to someone and they take it for granted and use it and drop it. Then they come back as though nothing is wrong and everything should be okay. I'm going to disagree with Slapshot and Jenni and say they deserve to hear whatever you have to say at that point. Screw her and her games.

Here's where I'm going to disagree with you though and I'm speaking from someone who's had the very same outburts. It doesn't help you, and she loves every minute of it. Because the truth is she knows she can still control you... even if it's anger after the break up. She's not asking you how you are because she cares. She's asking how you are, so you will tell her off. Because in her mind that means she can still control you and your emotions even if they are not good emotions. The very fact you have told her off more then once and she still comes back just plays into her game.

The proper thing for you to do is answer very politely and calmly and then move on. Don't be polite about that... don't tell her off but if she says, "how are you?" tell her, "I'm great!" and keep moving. I used to have an ex that I saw regularly and she would try to start these same coversations and I would not even ask her how she was doing back because the truth is I don't care and I don't want to start that coversation. I would then walk away. You don't owe her anything so don't give her anything.

The way to resolving your anger is not through yelling at her because you can do that forever, and let's be honest you've tried it and it isn't working. The proper thing to do is get away from her and reclaim this part of yourself that your brain is trying to protect.