Ask Me Help Desk - Affection and intimacy

Me (Libra) and my current boyfriend (Pisces) have been dating for 5 months. At first he was very affectionate and intimate. He always held my hand, kissed me, told me how much I meant to him etc. Sex was a issue at first because I don't really enjoy it because it usually, if not always, hurts. I have Vaginismus. Basically, love making becomes systematic for me. We talked about it and he said that he understood that sex would be every now and then. About 2months ago he started pressuring me to have sex. It got so bad I was thinking about breaking up with him. I stopped talking to him and distanced myself so I wouldn't be as hurt. We sat down and talked about it and had a heart to heart. He said that it was totally fine not having sex until I wanted to. He said that he was very upset that he thought he was losing me. He was still intimate and affectionate at this time. The other "blow up" was about 3 weeks ago. He wanted me to stop staying at his house. I told him that it was his house that I will leave if he wanted me to. Well, he said that he didn't want me to leave so I didn't. Said that he couldn't deal with not having sex. That it was killing him. He just couldn't do it anymore. Then while I packed my stuff up he asked why I didn't want to fight to stay. He said that I just say 'No' too much and that our relationship was perfect just missing the sex. He said that if I gave him what he wanted (sex), I would get what I wanted. We had sex a whole lot and he still doesn't pay attention to me. Lately he hasn't wanted to hold my hand, kiss me other than hello and goodbye. He tells me he loves me all the time and I know that he does. When I try to love on him, sit in his lap, or lean in for a kiss, he basically looks around my head to see the TV screen, computer screen, etc. Ive told him that I need affection and to feel like I mean something to him. Now I don't know what to do. He still hasn't given me anything. I really like this guy, what is the next step? Help!

You definitely sound very needy. You constantly need attention from him.

On the other hand, he seems fairly negligent. He says that he respects your decision about not having sex, but yet he pressured you.

It also sounds like you guys have a very poor communication system. You're going to need to work harder at improving your communication system. However, he you feel that he's not putting much effort in the relationship, then maybe he doesn't love you as much as you say he does.

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Originally Posted by I wish

You definitely sound very needy. You constantly need attention from him.

On the other hand, he seems fairly negligent. He says that he respects your decision about not having sex, but yet he pressured you.

It also sounds like you guys have a very poor communication system. You're going to need to work harder at improving your communication system. However, he you feel that he's not putting much effort in the relationship, then maybe he doesn't love you as much as you say he does.

I'm not that needy. I just don't get any affection what so ever. I don't ask for much... just a little every now and then would be nice.
And yes the communication sucks. Im on board though! We do have a couple misunderstandings but I've explained that he wasn't getting what I was saying. After talking about it with him it was fine. I see the lack of effort. He says he loves me all the time. He isn't the type of guy to just through it out there.

If it matters, I am 23 and I believe that I'm very mature for my age. He is 28.

Saying "I love you" all the time doesn't mean that you have a strong relationship. Have you ever considered that he's just saying that to shut you up?

If you don't think that you're being needy and that you're asking for very minimal things, but he can't even provide minimal things, how do you expect him to be there for you when there's something important?

There are too many obstacles for you to be happy with him. Why don't you end the suffering and make a clean break.

When you've recovered from the break up, you can go back on the dating scene and continue to meet new people until you find what you like. You don't need to settle for less. You deserve better.

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Originally Posted by I wish

Saying "I love you" all the time doesn't mean that you have a strong relationship. Have you ever considered that he's just saying that to shut you up?

If you don't think that you're being needy and that you're asking for very minimal things, but he can't even provide minimal things, how do you expect him to be there for you when there's something important?

There are too many obstacles for you to be happy with him. Why don't you end the suffering and make a clean break.

When you've recovered from the break up, you can go back on the dating scene and continue to meet new people until you find what you like. You don't need to settle for less. You deserve better.

Im not just going to up and throw the relationship down the drain. I want to improve it. That is why I on here... asking for advise and what the next step is..

Ok, so if that's how you feel, then you need to continue to talk to him. Talk things out. Tell him how you feel. See if he listens. See if he's putting in the effort to address your concerns. See if his behavior improves.

If he cared about you, he will want to listen to you and want to improve the relationship too.

If you want take it a step further, maybe you two can go to couples counselling.

I'm just warning you, there is a chance that he might not put in the effort that you want. In which case, you have to realize that he might not be the one for you.

I don't believe the for every one person they have a soul mate. I believe that its up to the two people to make it work. But thanks for the advise. Ill def watch to see if talking more about it will help.

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Originally Posted by Tiffany106

He said that if i gave him what he wanted (sex), i would get what i wanted. !

I hope he didn't mean this in a manipulative context. I hope he meant more like a mutual when something happens for me it naturally results in your benefiting.

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Originally Posted by Tiffany106

We had sex a whole lot and he still doesnt pay attention to me. Lately he hasn't wanted to hold my hand, kiss me other than hello and goodbye. He tells me he loves me all the time and i know that he does. When i try to love on him, sit in his lap, or lean in for a kiss, he basically looks around my head to see the tv screen, computer screen, etc. Ive told him that I need affection and to feel like i mean something to him. Now i dont know what to do. He still hasn't given me anything. I really like this guy, what is the next step? Help!

You need affection but with him your needing affection turns into him desiring sex so he is trying to avoid what you don't want by not giving you attention.

Is there anything medically you can do to fix your problem?

You need to accept the relationship without all the affection just as you expect him to accept the relationship with minimal sex.

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After talking about it with him it was fine.

No it wasn't.

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I see the lack of effort.

So much for talking and making things fine.

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He says he loves me all the time.

Words, but what are the actions telling you (I see the lack of effort.) Your words.

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He isn't the type of guy to just throw it out there.

You mean talk to you about your concerns, needs, and wants? He must be a lousy listener too.

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By NOhelp4u, You need to accept the relationship without all the affection just as you expect him to accept the relationship with minimal sex.

That was a very real point, and not to be harsh at all, this could be at the heart of the problem, as it can get frustrating for a guy to know that sex is not enjoyed by his partner, and that needs some talking about, or seeing a doctor for help. At least be actively trying. I think I may be a bit put off, or distant about love, sex, and affection if I were him to.

He is probably as frustrated as you are.

Maybe you need some alternatives to vaginal sex, or some new bedroom skills to help until you find a more permanent solution to your medical problems. Couldn't hurt to talk it over.

No communication, no relationship.

I think you should go to couples counseling. He probably can't be affectionate with you because it makes him horny. You want affection without sex.