Ask Me Help Desk - If we are not having sex, why does he have viagra

I think my husband is cheating on me... we don't have sex, and haven't in several months, yet I found a package of viagra... he doesn't appear to want to have sex (not with me anyway)... he gets up in middle of night and goes to computer, claims that my snoring is keeping him awake (I don't snore, never have)... I've found lots of porn on his computer... our cell phone bill doesn't list any of his calls... his inbox in email (sent file) has been deleted and I have been getting hang up calls on his cell phone that come in private... he deleted his porn history after he suspected I was looking on his history. I confronted him and he turned it all around on me, walked out, never said goodbye... any insight would be great from an impartial person and please, I don't NEED to be called stupid, I already am aware of that flaw...

Hey you're not stupid, just following your intuition. I hate to say this but all the signs point to him cheating but suspicion alone is not a valid answer for me to say yes he is cheating, maybe or maybe not.

However if he doesn't see his behavior as suspicious than he is in denial and needs a reality check. All the evidence is incriminating, and he is being secretive.

If he isn't going to answer you truthfully, then..

There are programs you can purchase that you can install on your computer that can show his activity and record visited websites, keystrokes, etc. If you are suspicious or you can hire a Private investigator.

I mean the next question is if he is cheating, what are you going to do?

I want and tried to talk to him about it and he lied to my face saying they were links... and when I said no, they're not links, I checked the history and you are accessing it pretty much every day, twice a day, he then he denied it again and then I said well you put it in another file under another name... ah, then he shut up... he's manipulative and tries to blame me... then he walked out and now he'll come back and not talk to me as some sort of "punishment" (that's what he thinks) OR he'll make small talk and we'll just ignore the elephant in the room... he doesn't have any respect for me... I don't really care that he looks at porn and I tried to explain that to him. It really makes me feel unattractive and old and I'm not... then he turns it around to how I don't want sex and I'm thinking to myself, is this guy insane... do you know how long it's been since we've had sex? SERIOUSLY, I'm surprised I don't start humping poles when I see them on the street... I just don't have the energy anymore and I'm really thankful you answered me...
All I want to do is talk to my husband when he asks me what's wrong, he'd have enough respect for me to not get mad at me when all I am really trying to do is fix this in the first place and now all I feel is great sadness and I'm ashamed... and nothing will change, that much I know...

I'm very sorry to hear about your situation. But it sounds like your husband had a lot of hide from you and he's not even making an effort to strengthen your relationship.

If he's not committed in your marriage, then why stay with him? Sounds like you're better of without him. Life's too short to be living with so much pain and suffering.

Quote:

Originally Posted by maxinestone

I want and tried to talk to him about it and he lied to my face saying they were links....and when i said no, they're not links, i checked the history and you are accessing it pretty much every day, twice a day, he then he denied it again and then i said well you put it in another file under another name....ah, then he shut up....he's manipulative and tries to blame me....then he walked out and now he'll come back and not talk to me as some sort of "punishment" (that's what he thinks) OR he'll make small talk and we'll just ignore the elephant in the room....he doesn't have any respect for me....i don't really care that he looks at porn and i tried to explain that to him. It really makes me feel unattractive and old and I'm not.....then he turns it around to how I don't want sex and I'm thinking to myself, is this guy insane....do you know how long it's been since we've had sex? SERIOUSLY, I'm surprised I don't start humping poles when i see them on the street.....I just don't have the energy anymore and I'm really thankful you answered me....
all i want to do is talk to my husband when he asks me what's wrong, he'd have enough respect for me to not get mad at me when all i am really trying to do is fix this in the first place and now all i feel is great sadness and i'm ashamed...and nothing will change, that much i know....

Did you ask him what if you exhibit this behavior how would he feel? I mean are you just expecting him to initate sex? Have you tried to be spontaneous or different in your approach when you want it?

Well this is what you do, you sit down and say listen, I want 5 minutes to say what I need to say and I don't want you to interrupt, and let it out I mean, talk about your sexual needs and whatever you feel is vital to get him to listen.

Explain to him the toll of his behavior and the consequences that will follow if he continues. If he wants you to kinky he needs to express that to you.

You can be wife/mistress at the same time, there is nothing wrong with spicing things up for him, and he should be putting as much effort into you as he is into these porn sites.

Your not stupid, you have real questions that need answers, but he is not man enough to give them to you. Its him that's hiding something from you.

Somebody would have to go if this happened in my house, and they would stay gone until the truth was found, and ALL the questions answered.

No I'm not an aggressor but I have had no problem telling him I want sex... but he's made statements before in the past like, well if you go to bed naked, so I go to bed completely naked (and in the first place I only wear underwear to bed anyway... that didn't work... I'm willing to be kinky and he knows that... I think he just doesn't want me the way a man wants a woman... that's how I feel anyway... you know what I mean and it's not like I'm fat and ugly because I take good care of myself... he doesn't want me and I have talked to him before like you suggest many times and all he does is get pissed off and turns it around on me... I'm nagging, I'm wrong, I'm this, I'm that... so I just feel like it's easier to shut my mouth... my mother always said you can't argue with an idiot... why are mothers always right?

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Your not stupid, you have real questions that need answers, but he is not man enough to give them to you. Its him thats hiding something from you.

Somebody would have to go if this happened in my house, and they would stay gone until the truth was found, and ALL the questions answered.

Well as I said since he won't tell the truth, and most men won't especially if they are getting the best of both worlds, I would do my investigating, Hell it happened to me. Had to turn into Magnum P.I.. I simply didn't end my marriage because of suspicion but proof.

Quote:

Originally Posted by maxinestone

No I'm not an aggressor but i have had no problem telling him i want sex....but he's made statements before in the past like, well if you go to bed naked, so i go to bed completely naked (and in the first place i only wear underwear to bed anyway...that didn't work.....i'm willing to be kinky and he knows that....i think he just doesn't want me the way a man wants a woman....that's how i feel anyway....you know what I mean and it's not like i'm fat and ugly because i take good care of myself....he doesn't want me and i have talked to him before like you suggest many times and all he does is get pissed off and turns it around on me....i'm nagging, i'm wrong, i'm this, i'm that....so i just feel like it's easier to shut my mouth.....my mother always said you can't argue with an idiot....why are mothers always right?

Well, You don't have a problem he does, and I know how important it is for us women to feel some connection with our spouse.

Why don't you ask him if he still wants to be in this marriage.
And make sure you let him know if things don't change you are gone, and then please yourself right in front of him.

I mean there is only so much you can do, one person alone can not make a marriage work.

If he's not putting any effort. I don't understand why you are allowing yourself to suffer so much.

Sounds like cybersex if he hasn't actually been with anyone else.

Is the discovery of the viagra maybe symptomatic of a problem with his performance?

If he is turning the no sex around to blame on you, that makes me suspicious he has a problem, and not necessarily hiding a fling on the side.

It sounds like the porn, and maybe sex lines, are replacing the real deal because he has a performance problem maybe?

If this has been ongoing for 8 months without explanation, at least to your satisfaction, why not try to address that end of things and see what he says.

If you, viagra, porn, and sex chat lines aren't working, maybe he needs to see a Doctor.