Go back to Dad to sort things out?
Hi,
I'm the eldest of four daughters. My dad was an emotionally unstable man when he and I were younger. He was very anxious, I think, and only knew how to deal with it through raging anger, that would burst out unexpectedly at any slight "trigger". I know he always felt very bad about it afterwards. It has scarred me, to an extent. My father has moved on, and seems to be a lot more at peace with everything today. So have I, at least superficially. But I'm experiencing crippling lack of self-confidence that is only worsening as I progress in young adulthood and have to stand and perform alone. It also affects my relations to authority, to men, to physical violence or any other form of (perceived) threat, and I generally feel quite unstable. Naturally, I can see the damage it does to my life, and I wish to change things for the better. I tried to talk with my father once, I told him how much he made me suffer and how much it still bears upon me now. He reacted better then I thought, saying he was sorry, truly sorry, but that he'd changed and moved on and so should I, because I was responsible for myself now. The best thing he said was that I had had an important part in making him change. The worse was that I shouldn't exaggerate the harm he'd done, that I made him sound like a criminal, which he never was (indeed not). Although it did provide a bit of relief initially, it hasn't had a huge impact on me. I haven't changed. So my question is: do I pursue the path of sorting things out with my dad, or do I accept that this is behind me, and try to do the best I can in whatever present or future situation allows me to grow and build over the holes and gaps it has left in me?
I feel as though I'm missing a few limbs in life sometimes, and can't help feeling teary and tied up when I think of all the things I'm going to mess up. It may sound stupid, but I wish I had a better chance at them. At the same time, I "rationally" doubt the usefulness of trying to improve that chance by going back to my dad before braving life. To put it in a different way, do I treat the plant at the root or in whatever sprouts?
Apologies for the longuish tale. I'd be very grateful to receive feedback. I'm not looking for any definitive remedy, just an honest opinion.
Best,
Firstborn.