Hi,

I'm the eldest of four daughters. My dad was an emotionally unstable man when he and I were younger. He was very anxious, I think, and only knew how to deal with it through raging anger, that would burst out unexpectedly at any slight "trigger". I know he always felt very bad about it afterwards. It has scarred me, to an extent. My father has moved on, and seems to be a lot more at peace with everything today. So have I, at least superficially. But I'm experiencing crippling lack of self-confidence that is only worsening as I progress in young adulthood and have to stand and perform alone. It also affects my relations to authority, to men, to physical violence or any other form of (perceived) threat, and I generally feel quite unstable. Naturally, I can see the damage it does to my life, and I wish to change things for the better. I tried to talk with my father once, I told him how much he made me suffer and how much it still bears upon me now. He reacted better then I thought, saying he was sorry, truly sorry, but that he'd changed and moved on and so should I, because I was responsible for myself now. The best thing he said was that I had had an important part in making him change. The worse was that I shouldn't exaggerate the harm he'd done, that I made him sound like a criminal, which he never was (indeed not). Although it did provide a bit of relief initially, it hasn't had a huge impact on me. I haven't changed. So my question is: do I pursue the path of sorting things out with my dad, or do I accept that this is behind me, and try to do the best I can in whatever present or future situation allows me to grow and build over the holes and gaps it has left in me?
I feel as though I'm missing a few limbs in life sometimes, and can't help feeling teary and tied up when I think of all the things I'm going to mess up. It may sound stupid, but I wish I had a better chance at them. At the same time, I "rationally" doubt the usefulness of trying to improve that chance by going back to my dad before braving life. To put it in a different way, do I treat the plant at the root or in whatever sprouts?
Apologies for the longuish tale. I'd be very grateful to receive feedback. I'm not looking for any definitive remedy, just an honest opinion.
Best,

Firstborn.

It is always good to forgive and move on.
You had a talk with him about the past, he most likely doesn't want to talk about details any more than he has.
So take your relationship where it is at this point. If he brings something up or you see him pulling his old habits then discuss it with him at that point.

So many people say their loved one died and they regretted that they didn't do more or hadn't forgiven them or something.

In my opinion I think you should see a therapist. If you feel this situation is impacting your life a great deal, talking to a therapist a few times may help you to sort through this and choose a path which will be both emotionally safe and productive for you. This will lead to being able to move on from the whole thing, with out just ingoring it. Which believe me, ignoring something never works out in the long run in my experieince. Good luck.

In one way your father is right. Although he had a part in creating the 'you' of today, it is now your responsibility to create the 'you' of the future. You are responsible for yourself now and you can't blame him for what your actions are going to be.

I'm not sure that trying to work your hurt and insecurity through with him is a positive step. Neither of you can be objective and are more likely to be defensive, which won't prove useful in the end. You will just continue to feel frustrated and anxious because he won't tell you what you want to hear.

I'm also the eldest and my father (Italian) was given to being explosive, moody and dictatorial. For a long time his 'spectre' affected my relationships with authority figures and men. Eventually I could see that my responses and rebelliousness were unsustainable and untenable if I was to have satisfying and meaningful life. As a young adult I realised that my responses and reactions were now only my own, and that I could not continue to blame him for who I was.

Why don't you go and talk to an objective outsider such as a counsellor about how you're feeling? They will assist you to put it into a different perspective and to deal with the fear that you're going to mess up your life. Take the initiative and work through these feelings and emotions, and I'm sure that you'll see a positive result.

I think that speaking to your father is a good step forward. It's true that it's not good to open up old wounds. So I suggest that you continue to talk to your father about your feelings, but divert the conversation to the present and the future. Talk things out with him. See what other suggestions he has for you.

But either way, I suggest that you get some professional help as well. Speak to a counsellor or a therapist. Keep taking steps to move forward. No more living in the past.