Hi,
My girlfriend and I have decided to get married in April! We are both young, I'm 20 and she's 19.
From searching the net I know there are many people who have the opinion that we may be to young to be getting married, but I disagree, it has more to do with the character of the people involved than their age.

We are both committed to being together and being there for each other. We have and are taking as many steps as we can to ensure we are ready.

I have told my parents and they are being very supportive as I knew they would.
My problem is her parents... I am going to tell them the next time I see them, which will be a couple weeks from now, I have a good relationship with her parents, but its not very deep.
I fear my girlfriends parents are not going to take to the news very well, as they have mentioned that their opinion is any age below 28 is an undesirable age to get married.

How should I break the news? Should Analise (my gf) be there?

Be honest man. You are lucky to have your parents' support and to have found the love of your life. Many people disagree with young marriages because they assume the couple are "fools in love". While that may be true, I am sure there are exceptions to the rule - as in your case. This was a decision you and your wife wholeheartedly made, and as long as you both know and realize that the intention behind your decision was pure and honest, I am sure her parents will understand (or come around). The best thing to do is be as mature and responsible as possible. Just my two cents though... wish you all the best.

Marrying her with her parents feeling this was is a bad way to start a marriage.

Do they even know your engaged? How about starting with that? What's the rush to get married anyway? If your going to be with her for the rest of your life why not put it on hold for a little bit longer- not because of her parents but because of your age.

Don't like hearing that? Your age. Well plenty of people on here are going to be telling you that. It's not because we think your stupid, and it's not because we think it's "puppy love". True, you both may love each other. However, most 20/19 year olds are still in school and are financially unprepared for marriage. Not only this but marriage ADDS more responsibility to your life and sometimes young people like yourselves are unprepared for it.

Have you thought about the following things, if so I would love to hear your response to each of my questions:

•Are you both going to school? Are you going to finish?

•Where are you going to live?

•Who is going to pay for the bills? Are you both going to get jobs AND go to school, who's going to have to drop out and miss out on their future?

•Do you have a car? Is it insured, is it a reliable vehicle?

•Are you waiting to have children? Are you both on the same page when it comes to : discipline, religion, morals, etc?

•Do you get along with each other's family?

•Have you gone to pre-marital counseling?

•Are any of you in debt already?

•Are you completely aware of the her mental and health history? Is she of yours?

•Do you have a clear idea of each other's financial obligations, ideas about spending and saving money?

•How do you resolve your problems? Do you yell and cuss? Do you leave for a few days and come back? How do deal with each other's anger?

My point is, you really have to look before you leap.

Sarah

I appreciate the points you have made sarah, they are definitely things we have discussed.
We aren't married yet, I am being cautious in the way we are going about it.
I believe that marriage is a total union of two people to the point that they become one.
I feel I am ready for that and so does she.

Analise and I are both christians.
I have faith that God will help us through and through.

Hopefully niether of us will have to give up our future, we have a plan as to how to go about our study. She is half way through her diploma of multimedia. She has a full scholarship.
Once she finishes I'll begin study at SAE intitute as soon as she has an income. I have plenty of exp in the hospitality industry as my parents own a restaurant, I have also worked for employers other than my parents and in other industrys. I will be working while she studys then vice versa, as soon as she has the income. But we all know things don't always go as planned. And I'm prepared to put my dreams on hold for her.

I understand that marriage will be a big increase in responsibility. I believe I am ready to step up to the challenge. I believe it's the moments of hardship tha define who we are.

With money stuff, we will have a joint account, to make saving and bill paying easyer, we both have trust in each other on the subject. Neither of us have big spending habbits.
My parents have a lot of knowledge about money, and I'm sure they will be willing to give us tips and pointers.

I have a car, it is a magna elante 1988 manual and I look after it. Analise needs to learn to drive a manual, but she'll learn. (she has agreed to.) I have ctp and am insured for the cost of the other persons car if I do have an accident. My car isn't worth enough to justify insuring. I am saving money an account in case of an emergency (like needing a new car.)

We are not waiting to have children. And do not plan to until we are finacially secure. And over 27... lol

We get along with eachothers familys quite well, my parent really like analise and I know her parents like me.(her mother has slapped my bum... so I guess that means she feels comfortable with me).. . (lol, but it was a bit weird, at least she found it funny)

I have not thought about pre-marital counselling to be honest. What are the pro's and con's (if any)
And is it nessesary?

I am in debt, I admit, but it will be paid back in full before the end of the year.

I am aware of her mental welbeing, and of her parents.
Analise has mild indodgenal deppresion(genetic) I am less sure about my own health history. I agree it is something I should get checked. But there isn't anything that should stop us from getting married.

We have had discussions on saving and spending money. And I reckon we're both pretty much on the same page.

And on how we deal with anger...
I try as hard as I can to be slow to anger, I try to be assertive and to the point. I talk the issue through. I do not swear, I am able to make compromises. I know I have areas that I could improve on, and so does she. I know that nomatter what happens I will always choose to love her. I am aware that love is not just a feeling.
Even though I am head over heels in love with her. :D

Quote:

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Originally Posted by TOJoe

Be honest man. You are lucky to have your parents' support and to have found the love of your life. Many people disagree with young marriages because they assume the couple are "fools in love". While that may be true, I am sure there are exceptions to the rule - as in your case. This was a decision you and your wife wholeheartedly made, and as long as you both know and realize that the intention behind your decision was pure and honest, I am sure her parents will understand (or come around). The best thing to do is be as mature and responsible as possible. Just my two cents though... wish you all the best.

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Thanks for your support! :)

Does anyone have anything on marriage I may have over looked? Including in the answers I gave in my last post to sarah?

I have no doubt that I have what it takes, I know about hard work and I will work hard.

What are some things we can do to make sure Analise and I are ready?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by 7six_seraph

does anyone have anything on marriage i may have over looked? including in the answers i gave in my last post to sarah?

i hav no doubt that i have what it takes, i know about hard work and i will work hard.

what are some things we can do to make sure Analise and I are ready?

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I would strongly suggest pre-marital counseling. I'm sure your pastor would be able to assist you with that.

I believe there are many benefits to pre-marital counseling; you get to learn more about each other, you come into a marriage better prepared. I don't believe there are any "cons" to pre-marital counseling since it's basically giving you a "heads up" before making a big decision.

If you rely on God to help you with your marriage I suggest you read this: Why Receive Christian Pre-marital Counseling?

Sarah

You can't be ready for what lies ahead, you can do all of the planning and preparing, but you can't prepare for the changes you will both go through in the up and coming years.

The problems in your future aren't something that you can prepare for and something that only experience will show you.

You are correct there are many people who have felt the same as you when they were young. Thought they had life's mapped plan figured out, thought that love was undying and that our feelings would never change.

Then we aged and matured even more and wished we could take the knowledge back to our youth and not be so naïve. We can't do that so we try to share the pearl of wisdom that only time can bring, but it often falls on the all-knowing ears of the youth we once were.

You have nothing but time, if you are sure of your love, then it doesn't require a marriage license yet to prove it to the world. The most mature and responsible thing you can do is to know you are ready and wait. You have nothing to prove to anyone but yourself. Life will change and it will change you both and that is not something you can prepare for.

I will say just a couple short things.

All young people, who are really too young, all think they are different, and more mature, So you of course don't see or believe this.

But to answer your question, you both need to be there ( or should) and you just tell them and let it fall as it will.

If I were 28 and had the same level of maturity as I have now, what would be the difference between marrying now or then?. I'm not saying I have no more maturing to do until 28 nor am I saying I won't mature any further till then, this is purely a hypothetical question.

What makes someone ready for marriage?
Is it culture specific?
And to the people here, what is the 'acceptable age' to get married?

Marrying isn't something we came up with 'overnight' it's not something I take lightly.

I understand that a 25 yr old is more set in his ways than a 20yr old.
Could marrying young be an advantage, as it gives us more time to mature and grow together?
What do you think?

Also, what life experiences are necessary?
Are any 'necessary'?


Young marriages can, and do work out. And you are all right in that I don't enjoy hearing that I am too young to be married, but I do like hearing peoples opinions.

Thank you fr_chuck for your straight answer to my original question.

Part of being a man, is making your decision, and doing the work involved to make it happen. You both just announce your intentions, and deal with what comes next, whatever it is, together. Just keep it respectful.

I for one wish you the best.

Talaniman Rule- Do what you see is right, and deal with the rest.

125 years ago teenagers got married every day, and most of the time it worked. But that was before things got more complicated. Back then you worked, you ate, you slept, you got up the next day and did it again. Now there are outside influences like Sarah mentioned tugging at you in every direction. Most of the young marriages that I've witnessed have not worked out too well. But that's not your question, or my business. Your question was about how to tell this girl's father that you want to take her away from him and his wife way before the time that they've already "approved". My answer is by a long distance phone call. He's probably going to go for your throat. Good luck and say a prayer first. Fill out your organ donor card.

To answer your question... You should both be there.

To add my own opinion...
From the time I was 20 till the time I was 30 and so on (I won't go that far)
I changed many times, my personality, my education and my mature-ness

My son is smart, a little in debt, has a car, health and car insurance and all the other things Mud mentioned, and I still watch him mature from day to day.

You might be mature now, but you will be more mature tomorrow :)

Best of luck to you:D

Thanks everyone for your input! I agree and so does Analise, that we should both be there to tell them about our plans.
And you know what? We're going to be just fine what ever happens.

I like the point you make, just dahlia.
We are all growing and maturing all the time.

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Originally Posted by 7six_seraph

thanx everyone for your input! i agree and so does Analise, that we should both be there to tell them about our plans.
and you know what? we're gonna be just fine what ever happens.

i like the point you make, just dahlia.
we are all growing and maturing all the time.

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I think you two will be fine . You sound determined. May GOD bless you and your children.

People talk about age when it comes to marriage for so many reasons. Maturity is one of the important keys that should be in the lives of two people planning to get married. This have nothing to do with chronological age. You may be more matured at 20 than a man of 25.
You are fortunate to have met a woman of your dream at this age. You can go ahead with the wedding plans but you must be ready to answer some questions from your fiancee's parents. The first is if you have a regular job to support a family. Her parents may have other questions for you. Your ability to answer their questions clearly and honestly will go a long way to help you achieve your dream.

I have been with the same man since I was 19 and he was 17. I am 35 now. We had very hard times but if you really love that person it can work. It is work. Marriage and raising kids are two of the hardiest things in my life. I wouldn't change my life for anything! Have you two ever lived with each other?

It sounds like success to me.

Considering that most people marry at a later age, and last I read, more than half fail. If more people considered the pros and cons as you have, and looked for answers and guidance, maybe that statistic would be a lot lower.

Considering the state of failed marriages, I don't think that age alone should be a factor in what you plan to do. Maturity has much to do with the realistic plans, goals, and expectations of the couple getting married, and I've known plenty of married couples of all ages, who didn't have a clue what they were getting into, and didn't take the time to take a good hard look at what marriage was all about.

We aren't born with the ability to predict at what age we are ready to marry. Success does not depend on age alone, that is only one factor, and in the overall scope of things, it is a small one.

I doubt that her family will doubt that you love her, and she loves you. Their concerns will be practical ones, and it seems to me that your long term planning and goal setting is pretty darn good.

I wish you luck, and success, and if I were a gambler, I'd be betting on you. :)