Ask Me Help Desk - Emotions overriding common sense

Emotions overriding common sense

I've got this situation under control as of now. Thanks for your help, I greatly appreciate it!

First thing, totally not related to you question but I like your screen name, I got a laugh out of it.

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Originally Posted by isppellgood

I've been seeing this girl for about a year now, and it's been the best thing in my entire life. We've talked aboout marriage already, and in two more years we will be married (god willing).

Although you don’t say it, I get the impression your still in high school. If that is true you have no business talking marriage.

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Originally Posted by isppellgood

Recently, however, a lot has come into play. A former friend of her made moves on her, and with her permission I talked to him (she was with me when I was on the phone). However, this guy went around and told everyone he knew that she was a slut and I was a major nutcase. I don't live in the same town as she does, so I wasn't affected. However, she lost almost every friend she has, and since her school community is very small she has become an outcast. She blames me for this when she's very upset, but for the most part she's forgiven me and I'm okay even if she's still upset.

Something doesn’t add up here. Either you’re leaving something out or she is hiding something or seeking some kind of drama. There are more questions than answers. For example if this other guy did make moves on her, why did she tell you. If it was just to let you know, why did you confront him? Did you know him before this? Was she ultimately seeking the confrontation between you two?

Maybe she was seeing him behind you back and he slighted her, so she sought you out call him. Maybe she was seeing him and she slighted him and had you call him to rub it in. Either way it would be consistent with him calling her a slut and her friends leaving her. There’s no way he’s going to start calling her a slut and you a nutcase or her friends are going to leave her if this guy doesn’t have some other kind of motivation. What I’m saying is that those reactions by those two separate groups of people are not consistent with what you are telling us.

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Originally Posted by isppellgood

However, a friend's mother is dying from cancer, so this and the forced outcast has made her very stressed out. She called me two days ago to tell me that she wants to take a break. She made it very clear that she just wanted two weeks to get her act together, and that she still loved me and and wanted to marry me.

Why would she even bring that up? You said the marriage wasn’t for another two years?

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Originally Posted by isppellgood

Later that night she texted me with a very sweet message. I know I'm not in danger of being dumped,

I’m not so sure of that by this comment below

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Originally Posted by isppellgood

She pretended not to know me, and people started asking me questions about what was going on and I quickly became depressed.

Yeah I’m not saying that she had to hang with you but if I plan on marrying someone I’d probably at least say hello to them. I bet she was attempting to purposely make you jealous.

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Originally Posted by isppellgood

I saw her having fun with some people, and I quickly became even worse.

Yep, it worked to.

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Originally Posted by isppellgood

I took her aside and told her how I felt, but it came out wrong and I ended up sounding like a selfish jerk.

Did she tell you that? I’m not so sure you’re the selfish jerk here. I still think there’s more to this story. That being said, if she was ignoring you, you should have ignored her right back. By approaching her and opening up to her you put the power in her hands. She was having fun, and it made you upset. She got what she wanted out of you. You should have either had fun with other people or left.

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Originally Posted by isppellgood

She told me she still loved me, but she wouldn't even hug me goodbye.

Well that’s behavior by somebody that’s blowing you off, while making you jealous and depressed at the same time. She is doing it on purpose that is for sure.

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Originally Posted by isppellgood

I don't know what to do, I'm really stressed out and I don't ever want to lose her. It's too hard for me to leave her alone, especially since I didn't do anything to push her away.

Maybe you didn’t but she just wanted to see other people. The truth is your probably never going to know. Maybe you come off too needy to her and that is driving her away. Approaching her at the dance wasn’t a smooth move that is for sure.

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Originally Posted by isppellgood

I'm not seeing her for these two weeks anyway because she's away, but every minute I feel like I need to contact her. What should I do?

You should not contact her for sure. In fact at the end of the two weeks you shouldn’t contact her at all. Let her contact you to see if she does. You are coming off way to desperate. I still think you holding something back or something's not adding up here about that whole phone call. There’s more to that than meets the eye.

I've got this situation under control as of now. Thanks for your help, I greatly appreciate it!

Honestly it does not sound like a true relationship. Especially if you live in a different area. Especially if she is blaming you for things that are not of any concern to you. Her being an outcast in her own town is her own fault especially if people do know her as a slut. So what would I do, first I would stop. Break is a break. Enough is said. She is seeing other people from what I gather. Or maybe you think you have a relationship with this person but it was never there except for in your head?

Does any of this make sense?

Joe

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I saw her having fun with some people, and I quickly became even worse. I took her aside and told her how I felt, but it came out wrong and I ended up sounding like a selfish jerk. She told me she still loved me, but she wouldn't even hug me goodbye. I don't know what to do, I'm really stressed out and I don't ever want to lose her. It's too hard for me to leave her alone, especially since I didn't do anything to push her away. I'm not seeing her for these two weeks anyway because she's away, but every minute I feel like I need to contact her. What should I do?

Just in case you have not heard this reply before... that is the danger of the question... the truth will come out... as softy as I can say it... move on... there are others waiting for a sensitive guy... look in the right places... volunteer... become a mentor... share your experiences... some one is out there just waiting for you... I am serious... you are just not looking in the right places... take some evening courses... meet someone willing to be with some one that does not want the thug life... move on..!

Take the break she said she wanted. I'd even make it longer than two weeks. No contact at all whatsoever. If she worries that much about what other people think then this is a huge red flag that you need to consider very carefully. She may be using that as an excuse to break away from you and reconsider everything. You should do the same. Get out and do things with yourself and others that don't include her. Make her realize that you don't need her and can be just as happy without her as with her. It's your best chance for possibly salvaging your relationship.

I've got this situation under control as of now. Thanks for your help, I greatly appreciate it!

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Originally Posted by isppellgood

I've got this situation under control as of now. Thanks for your help, I greatly appreciate it!

Sounds like he has the situation under control?! :rolleyes:

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Sounds like he has the situation under control?????!!!!!!:rolleyes:

I don't think we gave him the advice he wanted to hear.