Ask Me Help Desk - My ex partner was raped!

Hello,

My ex partner and I recently split up and she moved away.
We were together almost 3 years and have a beautiful little girl who is almost 2.
Our breakup was mutual and we both felt that the love just was not there.
I am 26 and she is 23. We have been broken up for about 2 months.
We still see each other once a fortnight and its like we were never split up. She still wants to hold hands and have sex etc... like couples do. However she says that she doesn't love me and only loves me as a friend. ( I find this strange )
I was searching a public forum that many of her friends go on about a week ago and came across a disturbing thread started by my ex. In the thread she explained that she really wanted to have another baby with some random guy.
I of course was upset with this thread and told her to never speak to me again unless it was to do with our daughter.
Anyway, I was speaking to her mother last night and her mother asked me if her daughter had mentioned to me that she had been raped!.
I explained to her mother that in the whole time we had been together she had never even mentioned about it.
I tried asking her mother for more details about it but she would not say anything else.

I confronted my ex tonight on msn and asked her why she had never mentioned anything to me. I have sat her down when we were together and we agreed to not hide anything at all about our past lives and so I thought I knew everything there was to know.
Obviously not?

My question is... Why would she tell her mother and sister but not me?
Why would she hide it from me? She sais that its something she doesn't want to remember and that's why she didn't tell me.
I now feel asthough I have been lied to the whole time I was with her. And feel asthough in some weird way have been raped by her in the fact she could have had HIV when I met her and not told me.
I know she was clean because they did tests when we had our daughter but this is still very disturbing for me.

Deep down I still love her and want to marry her but this is not how she feels and I respect that.
I know its not her fault she was raped... or is it? She won't tell me anything about it and the type of person she is she would beg someone to rape her.

Sorry for writing a book but I am so confused.

My main comment is that rape is NEVER the victim's fault, never. Why didn't she tell you? Because she lies about other things and she's lying about this? Because at the beginning of your relationship she didn't think it was something she wanted you to know? Because she's trying to move past it by not talking about it? Because she was afraid you might think the rape was her fault?

I don't understand your "the type of person she is she would beg someone to rape her" statement. Rape is sex without consent so your statement doesn't make any sense.

The only way to know is to ask her.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

My main comment is that rape is NEVER the victim's fault, never. Why didn't she tell you? Because she lies about other things and she's lying about this? Because at the beginning of your relationship she didn't think it was something she wanted you to know? Because she's trying to move past it by not talking about it? Because she was afraid you might think the rape was her fault?

I don't understand your "the type of person she is she would beg someone to rape her" statement. Rape is sex without consent so your statement doesn't make any sense.

The only way to know is to ask her.

I know it wasn't her fault, Ive heard stories of her having sex for money when she was around 16-17, she did admit to me that she used to do drugs and that the person she hung out with was a bad influence.
Ive never mentioned anything bad she's ever told me back to her because it is in the past and I felt I trusted her more knowing these things and not hiding it from me.
I never penalised her for anything and she had always had my support.

Quote:

Originally Posted by anonymousperson

I know it wasnt her fault, Ive heard stories of her having sex for money when she was around 16-17, she did admit to me that she used to do drugs and that the person she hung out with was a bad influence.
Ive never mentioned anything bad shes ever told me back to her because it is in the past and I felt i trusted her more knowing these things and not hiding it from me.
I never penalised her for anything and she had always had my support.

I was responding to your question: "I know its not her fault she was raped... or is it?"

You didn't seem sure.

The strangest thing though is when it came to foreplay she always wanted me to act like I was raping her.

Wouldn't this bring back memories for her?

This kind of creeps me out now because she could have been trying to relive that moment.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

I was responding to your question: "I know its not her fault she was raped... or is it?"

You didn't seem sure.

Im sure it wasn't her fault. But she does tend to push people until they can't hold back.
She doesn't mean it, it's a joke to her.

Quote:

Originally Posted by anonymousperson

The strangest thing though is when it came to foreplay she always wanted me to act like I was raping her.

Wouldnt this bring back memories for her?

This kind of creeps me out now because she could have been trying to relive that moment.

It's more of a show of her emotional instability.

I wouldn't see a point to analyzing it at this time.

She is still your ex.

BTW, there isn't a good reason to still be randomly sleeping with an ex. Also after hearing she hopes to become pregnant by any random guy.

I'm just going to add a different perspective to this for you. One from the victim. When someone violates you in this manner, you begin to question a lot of things about yourself. Your value, your worth, was it your fault? Could you have done something different? Dressed differently etc. To really know what is going on here we would have to have a better idea of when it happened to her or timeline. MY guess is this:
The drugs, the promescuity is due to the rape itself. The not telling you, is to make it go away... to not continue to be judged based on what someone else has done to you. If other relationships haven't worked and she told them what happened, maybe she thought she wouldn't tell you so that you couldn't judge.
Some of what you are saying to us in response to learning is part of why she didn't want to deal with it with you. It's a hard topic to discuss and relive
I say all of that to say this:
She needs help mentally to move forward and regain her since of trust and respect for herself.
Her mother and her sister know because 1. they are family and most likely worked through it with her and 2. they are not vested in a physical/sexual relationship with her... they are "safe"
I hope this helps you better understand some of what she may be going through.

Thanks so much for your help.

Everything you say makes sense.
I think the reason why is because she thinks that she will be judged and treated differently by me.

She suggested that we need to get together and talk about these things which is a huge step for her.
I also think there's still love there by the way she acts when were together.
I live with her parents and her mother has also noticed the same.

Though when we do get together I have no idea where to begin.
Any ideas?
Should I start by asking her why she kept it from me?
I really don't want to go too deep with it if she's touchy about it, its in the past after all... but the main thing I need to know is why she kept it from me.

Personally, I would recommend that if you believe in working out this relationship... you start counseling together. It may help her feel more comfortable getting counseling for herself about this issue... and she needs counseling and support.

Don't question why she kept it from you, but mention that you wish she had known and felt comfortable sharing this with you. Tell her you understand that it is personal and embarrassing and you want to support her in any ways that you can.

Hello :)

This sounds like the situation with me and my husband. Although I did tell him about it. But that was because I had already come to terms with the fact that I was raped when I was 11.

And yes, during sex and foreplay, I DO get turned on by 'rough' sex, or 'roleplay rape' as long as its not REAL... the fact that she wants you to do this, tells me that she TRUSTS you A lot...

She may have been ashamed, afraid, or any number of emotions that prevented her from telling you. Try not to hold it against her, and be there for her, and support her. Talk to her about it, try to get her to come out with it.

And as justwantitfair said, COUNSELLING! Either for her, or you both. Either way will be a great help.

Good luck hon.

I really feel for your partner. Sometimes when bad things happen to people they lose themselves. Every step you take you have to contradict it. Wondering will it happen again, is it my fault, and what the hell I did to deserve this. Have some compassion no one want themselves worth strip from them. Even a whore has the right to choose who they whore with.