Hi all,

I usually read other people answers on the topics I need to read about but this time I decided to write.

I am in a loving relationship, like I have been in others before. My previous one ended because I tend to get extremely jealous and even if things might not exist they do in my head.
I am now in love with my boyfriend and I know he is with me. When we met it all started like a joke and we both enjoyed being flirtatious with others when we were going out with friends and even though we already were dating each other none knew. It was just fun to flirtate and testing each others' reaction because only we knew we were together and that made us stronger because we knew at the end of the night we only wanted to go home and have each other and none else.

Since then, two years ago, things got much more serious we live together and we are a couple. The thing is that my flirting with others has naturally stopped, whilst his carried on until I made clear to him that he was making me feel really uncomfortable. Now he is not doing it when I am around or at least when he knows I can see him. The thing is that I can't get out of my head the fact that in my mind he still does it. His flirting is mainly with the glances he looks at girls (that by the way was his looking at me that attracted me to him to start with), might not even talk to them but he has got this intense "I wish I could have you right now" look he gives to nice girls when we are anywhere. He also told me once that it is this flirtatious looks with girls (which is often given back to him) he mostly enjoys.

Things have been worse that this with him looking at webcam girls etc... which I don't think he does now after having had a huge problem with me because of this.

The fact is though that now I don't feel I can ever trust him and, even though I know he loves me, I don't know if I should be more reasonable and trust him or just think that a look doesn't mean anything or what to think! I am a grown up attractive woman in my thirties and I know I am attractive, but still I feel in competition with every single girl out there because I know he is attracted to most women... basically... maybe just like any other men.

I am just very confused and would like to hear someone elses'opinion on similar situation or even to know if I really am obsessed with jealousy or just normal...

Hi Sibilla

As a heterosexual male in his late 20's with a long past of dating girls, being with them in relationships and also watching them end, I would be honest with you and tell you that men will often always look at other women, yet this does not suggest that he is necessarily looking to cheat on you with someone else.

Men by their very nature do have wandering eyes but in my experience anyway, there has never been intention behind it. It's almost like a natural reaction - something built in to our programming. I have had this brought to me by a past girlfriend and it was never truly resolved. She admitted to me that she also found other men on the high street attractive, but only wanted me and despite my attempts to reassure her the feelings were mutual, it seemed to fall on deaf ears.

I think a cause of reasonable concern would be the webcam girls you mentioned. That goes beyond harmlessly looking at people on the street. My suggestion would be to perhaps have a conversation with him about the relationship in general. Sex is a very important part of any relationship and it may be worth asking each other if your needs are being met.

Your getting carried away by your own fears, and insecurities, and should work to control those impulses. THINK before you speak or act.

The person that you need to be worried about is yourself. However you know this.

There is NO point in worrying about something that you can't change. Him. Yes, he likes to look at girls and do the flirty thing. But he's with you isn't he?

It's your issue and you should think about how you might deal with it. Why are you so insecure? Why do you want to sabotage your relationship with this obsessive behavior?

It's time for you to consider these questions because it ain't going to get any easier as you get older. There will always be women out there that are sexier, better looking, more vibrant - what are you going to do? Be in competition with them for the rest of your life?

Obsessive jealousy is not sustainable in a relationship. It's not good for your emotional, physical or spiritual well being and it's not good for the people around you.

I would be speaking to a professional counsellor about this and working with them on understanding where the insecurity comes from, and the strategies you can put in place to reduce or eliminate this wrong thinking. You'll feel far better about yourself and the people you relate with if you can change your behavior.

Thank you all so much for your replies... I do talk to my girlfriends about these issues but it's nice to get also opinions from male members.

I am aware of the fact that the problem is mainly in myself. I did think about counselling even though I've never taken the step. I think that it all started when my dad left home for another woman about ten years ago and the whole family pillar collapsed in front of my eyes with me feeling impotent of doing anything about it. After that I just started to have this deep need of being in total control of the person I am with. I know it's wrong and doesn't get you anywhere, it is just too difficult to stop. My previous relationship ended because I started checking his emails and mobile and... I just could not stop, I lost weight and sleep and it all ended because it could not be differently.

I think that the other side of the problem comes from the fact that when I start seeing a man I tend to be very open minded, like probably they haven't experienced before. I do enjoy the sexual side of a relationship, unfortunately I think that I give it even too much importance. I look for a bond with my partner that goes beyond what they probably have experienced before, or even beyond what they are prepared or want to share with me. I do like girls as well and I like looking at them and share this and fantasies with my partner. The beginning is all fun and a game, but as we all know attraction for your man/woman decreses in time and the problems start when I realize that not necessarily the attraction to someone else is shared with me. In that moment I feel hurt and betrayed and I start wondering why and it all becomes a never ending spiral in my mind. I see the threaten of infidelity at every corner and it drives me crazy. I know he loves me and he is with me... but it is not that difficult to be with someone and have someone else as well, or to even fall for someone else... is it? And I cannot accept this idea, and instead than enjoying what I have I worry about not having it anymore... or having it ruined... or just being hurt.

Anyway thank you for your nice replies, there is truth in all of them, and I will seriously think about counselling if it really helps... and unless it becomes a need to try to have your problems solved by someone else because you are not good enough to sort them out yourself.

Thanks

There has always been a talk about female insecurity but it has is never been mentioned why men have this desire to flirt while claiming they truly love someone.

Why does your boyfriend feel the need to give these intense flirtatious looks to attractive girls? Attractive people catch our eyes that's true and there is nothing wrong with a brief glance at them and appreciation their beauty. However, I believe it does not have to include throwing passionate looks at them.

I find it disrespectful that your boyfriend show other women like he was interested in them, especially in front of you, even if he is not. Call me old fashioned or possessive but if you are his true love, his eyes should be on you.

I am confident enough not to have a burning desire for everyone to fancy me. I do not need to prove myself by staring at men while walking with my boyfriend. I am too mature for that and also I know that would hurt my partner. Your boyfriend is the opposite. As he said it's the looks that get him going. A little thrill that boost his confidence, sadly on your cost. He says he loves you yet your attention seems to be not enough for him while he by your side is hunting for eye contact with other girls. And so what it is not going to go any further. The point is that it tells a lot about the person he is. An attention seeker, and quite selfish one.

He is insecure not you and you deserve better then that. You are normal, and sound like a very decent girl and don't let others tell you otherwise. He needs a councillor not you.

And to all men that say 'there is nothing wrong with staring flirtatiously at hot girls' - of course there is nothing wrong. I can just imagine your face if you saw your girlfriend observing other men's buttocks and licking her lips. It would be fun hey? Its not like she is going to ask for their number...

If there is no trust then there is no relationship. Break up if you cannot control your emotions and cannot bring yourself to trust your boyfriend. That can only end badly. Be alone, get some therapy, work on your self-esteem, confidence, and trust issues. Then try it again with the next person in your life, or maybe with him again, if he is still available by then.