Ask Me Help Desk - She is making me wait.

Hello,

My girl and I were together for a year and about to get married in November. Lately we have had some arguments over very silly stuff and the last one 3 weeks before the breakup got heated (only verbally). During that argument I told her that I wanted us to seek counseling but she refused... 20 days ago she surprised me by telling me that she wanted to take a lateral move (What ever that means) and move out of the house to evaluate the relationship. At first I was stunt but then later it just didn't make sense to me. I confronted her and ask her where she was moving. She told me she found a place a couple miles away but didn't give me the address. A week before the move, things got heated again. I guess I was hurt and afraid of losing her. I made the mistake of telling her to get out of the house and put all her things by the door. Things just didn't make sense! She kept telling me that she wasn't happy and didn't know if she wanted to be with me. I feel she didn't even try to salvage the relationship. A week before all this took place she was telling me how much she loves me and how secure she felt with me. I just don't get it! After my stupid approach I talk to her and ask her not to push me out of her heart and to give us another chance, she told me she needed time. She hasn't ask me not to call her or try to make contact with her but I feel she is toying with my emotions. She knows how much I love her... How long should I wait? I don't know what to do. I need closure but she won't give it to me.

I certainly hope you're paying attention. There are SO many chances for you to grow and learn from this experience.

Top of the list is: "Being angry is not permission to say/do stupid things. If you're mad/confused/put out/offended...consider shutting your mouth until that emotion passes." I really hope you get that, so many people don't, and end up making the same bonehead moves during arguments year after year.

Next, if you love this girl, then make her feelings more important than yours. If she want time out, help her pack (with your mouth shut). If she wants time, give her a watch and chuckle at how clever you are.

You getting all "I'm so confused, she was this way and now she's not"... total waste of energy. Live in the today, not in the yesterday, and DEFINITELY not in the "I wish it were different". No help at all.

Keep your life moving on. This girl is a love interest. She is not your reason for living. Don't go there, don't tease the idea, don't play that game. You reason for living is based on your character and your dreams and your accomplishments... not based on your love pangs. That's Hollywood screwing with your chances at a happy life. Be better than that, OK?

You don't need closure. That's one of those things we say that usually translates into some form of "waaaah, I'm unhappy, somebody make me feel better." Closure is just another word for "I'm unhappy and blaming it on you."

Get your life going. She didn't ask you to not call her, so call her. Tell her the fun and interesting things you're doing with your time that DON'T include constant "wish you were here" lines... be a man, with manly interests, with manly activities, accomplishments and purposes.

In other words, give her something to admire in you OTHER than you pining after her.

My definition of a happy relationship: "Two people with full and busy lives with purpose and movement who meet and make time in those busy lives for each other."

I think maybe she feels that you have issues that she may feel afraid to tell you about that make her question if she should be with you. Anger and heated arguments are only results of whatever is going on that is driving her away.
Often even when a boyfriend or girlfriend tells their significant other what is bothering them the other doesn't do a thing to change. She may feel what is the use in telling you your 'faults' because you get angry and she doesn't want conflict.
As far as closure, often you have to get closure the old school way which is dealing with it in your own heart, letting it go and moving on.
Often people use the 'I need closure' as an excuse to keep the door open. She needs her space right now. The more you try to contact her the more she is going to see you as a nuisance. If you and her do happen to talk explain to her that you were stupid and your door is open any time she is done with her break. Then leave it go at that.

Your learning a very valuable life lesson, it takes more than just love to maintain a relationship. Being able to communicate and be civil goes a long way toward working through your issues and since you don't have that and she doesn't want what you do have, better give her what she wants.

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She kept telling me that she wasn't happy and didn't know if she wanted to be with me.

Obviously, you let her go, that's what she wants.

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I feel she didn't even try to salvage the relationship

Sorry guy, she obviously doesn't want to try with you. Let her go, and leave her alone.