Hi guys.

About two and a half years ago, I lived with my ex girlfriend. We had only been together a year or so before we decided to move in with each other, however the reasons were more circumstancial than anything else (I was living with her and her family already due to personal family reasons and as a couple we needed a bigger space).

Eventually, we went through a terrible break up. We were both faithful (as far as I am aware) throughout the relationship but the actual break up itself was very painful. We simply knew it had to happen. Shortly after, we both started dating other people. I started seeing a girl I used to work with whom I'd been friends with a short time, and she started seeing someone we both knew and regarded highly as a nice guy. My ex and I severed all contact. Her boyfriend and I never spoke again, either.

That was 18 months ago. By all accounts my ex is still with her boyfriend, however I have recently split up with the girl I was seeing. We were together a year. My problem is that she wants to get back together with me and she is telling me she loves me, but I do not know if I am ready to love again. I used to have nightmares about my ex and I would see her and her boyfriend in them. I felt unable to commit someone new emotionally yet now that she has gone, I miss her terribly. I do really care for her deeply and she's one of my only friends. I don't want my ex back. I just want to be able to say I'm over her and actually believe it myself. She was the biggest love of my life and I know I was the same to her, so I ask you all - Is it natural to be afraid of letting go and moving on with someone new?


I'd just like to add that where I say "I miss her terribly", I am referring to the girl I have recently split up with.

Well to be honest you messed up your relationship with Girl B, from the get go.

After your relationship with Girl A, you should have taken the time to handle all of your relationship/emotional baggage, before moving into a new relationship.

Now you have feelings for a rebound relationship with Girl B and you haven't emotional separated from Girl A.

The only answer that I see now, is time without anyone, so you can emotional heal and appreciate yourself as single.

You are not doing Girl B any favors by jumping back into that relationship while emotionally weighted, as you are right now.

This is what I like to call your Pony Time. A time when you can actually develop into a Stallion. By following protocol.
Tell the X you will always have feelings for her, deeper than she may ever come to understand or perceive in this life time anyway. Then tell her Thank you, but you have your own work that you must do yet. That is getting your own life together. The way you want it be, where you want it to be. May not be easy (usually never is ) . However the best way to know thy self and to search ones true soul is on a solo flight sometimes.
Then from there you must walk straighter , stand taller everyday the rest of your life. Then before you even realize or know it, You have became better than anybody you mentioned including the pony you were in the beginning. Your reward will be greater than even you ever dreamed of.

You need to concentrate on everything and work on yourself, so the only thing you can do is to sever ALL (facebook, my space) ties with both exes... and give yourself a lot of time to take care of yourself before you start dating someone else. You never got over the first ex because you jumped into a new relationship. You really need some time alone ( between 6 month to 1 year ).

Do you still have feelings for your ex? Well to be honest, most people that have loved one person before might always have feelings for their ex because they were really close at one point.

Sometimes two people just can't be together and things aren't clicking no matter how much you care for one another. It is natural to feel that you can't move on or love again but when the right person comes along that feeling will be gone and everything will feel so right.

You said you don't want your ex back, so don't contact her at all, that will make things easier to move on with your life. Don't let her contact you as well, ignore everything from her.

What you needing now is a serious dose of being single and enjoying life that way. Don't rush into another relationship. Talk to girls, explore what is out there.

Thank you everyone for the help and answers. It would seem the general consensus is being single for a time, so I can take stock of who I am and what I want from life. I understand and understood a long time ago that things got so bad with Girl A, that it would never happen again. After much soul searching and deliberation I managed to figure out that a large part of my hurt and doubt came from who she chose to be with after me. Because I knew him and also respected him, it was difficult for me to accept straight away. I started developing paranoid dillusions regarding their involvement prior to our break up, but none of this I transmitted to her. I've not spoken to Girl A in months as quite frankly I do not see it my business to.

Girl B is a fantastic girl but you are correct in saying that we started things too soon. I didn't want to miss my opportunity with her but I did not take any time to reacclimatise myself with being on my own. I can feel her now slipping away from me and a large part of me knows it has to happen, although I do now feel like I am letting something I love just 'go away'. There are so many factors affecting the relationship that as someone said above, despite caring for each other sometimes things just don't work. Having said that, she's adamant that given one more try, a clean slate if you will, that they could. I just know though that if I do allow that to happen I will feel like I've allowed myself to be pressured in to something I don't know if I'm ready for.

Thanks folks.

Take plenty of time to let your emotional dust settle, and you can see what you want to do, not what others want from you.

Threads merged and edited


A month later she told me that she had started sleeping with one of my friends. A friend who for obvious reasons I can no longer speak to. He never approached me first but instead got with my ex girlfriend without any form of communication with me. That was in early 2008. Despite my closest friend telling me from a conversation he held with her not long ago that she is not happy with (or at least, clearly not as happy as she once was with me) they are still together.

To this day, over 18 months later, I still have nightmares two or three times a week about my ex girlfriend and her partner, my old friend. I wake up in cold sweats unable to think of anything but her. I want to be over it because we do not talk, the relationship ended, and I know that 'on paper' she did not do anything wrong so therefore I do not consider it my business to interfere. I just want to be allowed to move on. I have tried a relationship since that broke down because of this issue I carry with me all the time.

Am I angry at this guy, or am I still in love with my ex girlfriend? I really cannot answer this question but it is making my life a misery. I am now single and despite flirting/dating girls I do not feel I can ever be in a relationship again, or at least not for a number of years.

Sorry guy, but you just have a lot of old feelings to deal with. Read the stickies at the beginning of this forum for some insights, and don't try to hurry the healing process, you can't.

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Am I angry at this guy, or am I still in love with my ex girlfriend?

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Maybe its both, and that's understandable.

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I really cannot answer this question but it is making my life a misery. I am now single and despite flirting/dating girls I do not feel I can ever be in a relationship again, or at least not for a number of years.

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I don't think it will be years, but it will take as long as it takes. It depends on how proactive you are about your own healing.

I didn't realise I'd posted this twice. Sorry.

Yeah, I know I got to deal with it quickly before it eats me up. Been looking at the stickies and it's hard work. But I'll get there.

Take five and be your own man for a while before this relationship cycle gets out of hand and the emotional leftovers from every girl you date compound themselves exponentially.

The people I know in that trap have a very difficult time getting out of it. When they're desperate, they'll date anyone, even if it's someone they'd never dream of dating; all their standards and morals go out the window, and so does their reputation and attractiveness to others.