Everyone, I am a 25 year old father of two.
My first born is now 2 and half years old - everything I could imagine to give me purpose in life.
My second born is now 4 months old, and a boy - who I think I'm the worst father to.

Myself and my wife are on the verge of divorce, our fights have gotten out of control and to be honest, I don't want to do this anymore. I'm tired of the fighting and pretending that we can be something we can't be anymore...

Our son is so difficult, I don't know where to begin to explain but at the same time that I am writing this, I wonder if I should even bother. Perhaps I am just at that point where I have finally lost my mind. None the less, here is my problem.

He isn't collic, he is healthy and strong.
He goes ape when he has to wait for his formula for longer than 3 minutes, every time, regardless of the fact that he might have just drank 20minutes ago. He goes ape whenever he is anywhere but in someone's arms or on their lap. He goes ape if we put him in a car seat, under his toy gym or anywhere for longer than 5 minutes.
It's literally like the only time he is comfortable is when he is in someone's arms. His "tantrums" are so bad that its hard to feed him. Because he can't wait, he goes ape and screams to the extent that he actually chokes himself or vomits - not always but it's a problem trying to give him a bottle when he's so busy crying and "having tantrum".

The doctors say he's fine and healthy. My wife agrees that boys are just difficult compared to girls. Hell even I agree.

But I can't stand his crying anymore. Every single night, every single day - he's got to be in someone's arms to be happy. The only other time he's not crying or "uncomfortable" is when he's drinking or bathing...
My wife and I are fighting constantly because she says and I quote: "Everyone with a baby boy will tell you that a boy is difficult. You need to be more patient."

Well I'm on calming medication and its not helping. I don't think I need to change at all.

Help me. Please.
Am I a horrible father? Am I merely just impatient?

No you aren't a horrible father, you are a stressed out father. Many people don't realize that men can experience concerns similar to postpartum depression as well.

It makes it more difficult when you have a high needs baby... which some just naturally will be. Is this something fairly recent or has he always been extra fussy? The fact that this is causing so much tension in your marriage is a real concern.

It may be as simple as putting baby in a sling or carrier and wearing him so that he is happy and things can get done. Do you use a dummy/pacifier with him? If so, does that help at all? If this is something fairly recent, could he be teething? Do you notice extra drool and/or that sucking on something tends to help?

Boys can sometimes take longer to reach certain milestones, but they are not necessairly anymore difficult. Babies have different temperaments and personalities just as adults do. Some are easy going, others are high maintenance. In those cases you do what needs to be done to keep some semblance of calm and contentment in the household. If it means picking him up, then pick him up... you won't spoil a young baby and at this age he is not trying to manipulate you. It doesn't mean he needs to be scooped up at the first peep or fuss he makes however. As he gets a bit older, he will do better with it.

A few things you can try:

*check for teething... you could use teething tablets or a gel and see if that makes any difference for him
* try infant massage... this can be very calming for some babies
*use bicycle motions with his legs, let him have time on his tummy during the day, gently massage his belly either around his belly button or in an arc over it, place a warmed towel across your legs and rest him on it on his stomach... the warmth and pressure from your legs might be soothing. All of these things may help if he does have a tummy ache.
*offer him a little gripe water
*maybe try some of the gas drops (use after you have tried everything else first)
*carry him around in a sling or carrier
*maybe a change of scenery for him might help too... hold him face down along your arm, hold him facing forward in front of you, take him outside
*if there is a lot of tension in the home, and you and your wife are stressed out, baby may be picking up on that as well

Don't expect things to change overnight, but you may come upon something that does the trick and gives some relief to everyone at least a little bit.

Do find a babysitter so that you and your wife can have some couple time on a regular basis... weekly if possible. This is so important for the two of you as well as your children. Getting out of the atmosphere once in awhile can give you renewed energy and perhaps a new perspective... sort of like getting a second wind to keep going. Get out on your own once in awhile as well... hang out with friends or family.

It can be so difficult, but it does get easier, especially as his systems mature more. Make "this too shall pass" your new mantra.

The first thing that comes to mind is, it's not the baby's fault that you are stressed, or you and your wife are fighting, or you aren't getting enough sleep, etc.

Resentment can build, and relationships suffer, as you are finding out.

If the baby had a serious physical condition, I don't think you would be complaining, because it is something obvious. But less obvious is the fact that you have a fussy baby, and that is what you were given to deal with.

This isn't about you at all. It's about the baby. As Doula said, there are ways and means to help you cope, and you need to step up and try.

It's too bad that you can't stand his crying, and his going 'ape'. But, that's the way he is, and you can't just walk out because you find it too stressful!

I'm not sure if all the arguing has to do with the baby, or if there are other problems contributing to this, as you mentioned divorce. But you only listed the problems with your new baby.

There are no options here except to learn how to cope so that you don't destroy your family over your needs. There are parenting classes, books, video's, libraries, parents groups, counselling, child and family counsellors, etc.

I realize how stressful it is believe me, having two children, both opposites, totally. I was spoiled with the first one too, thinking the second would be the same. He was not.

Good luck in finding ways to support your wife, and provide good care to your son without feeling overwhelmed. The effort will be worth it.

Many babies are like that at 4 months. He should start to outgrow it within a few months.
My grandbaby is now 14 months. He use to cry about every little thing and we were suppose to read his mind. He'd cry if he wanted on the sofa, then he'd cry when he wanted in his walker, then he'd cry if what was on TV didn't get his interest, etc...

Now he has only been crying later in the evening. Babies don't know how to say, I want my bottle, I want my stuffed animal, all they have is their crying.
I had 4 kids and my husband (ex) never helped me with them. I know it has to be hard but think of what your wife has to be going through and how much harder it would be on her if you left.
I hope that if you are wanting a divorce because of this you reconsider because it won't be a picnic for her to raise them by herself.

First of all look at some couple in your life who has successfully managed to raise there children? Your parents , grandparents , etc. Then ask yourself this : " Did they not go through the same things I am right at this very moment? " the answer will be yes and maybe even worse.
Then count your Blessings. What blessings you may ask? Kids are Feed, Healthy, have a healthy Mother that love both You and the children. At the moment you are still together. You have a roof over your heads.
I am guessing you have jobs or some kind of securities.

How many families don't have these things?

Divorce , is a permeant solution for a non permeant situation. I call it family suicide. The father then has to work triple as hard to pay spouse support, child support, and anything else the Courts require. For the next 21 years or so . Health , Insurance , Never get to see the kids of his life. Plus problems with any current girlfriends and new kids in the future. Unless you are rich you will most likely be in a tight situation. Then you will really know what stress is . Later as your kids grow up they may blame you for not sticking around, call you a loser.

Is that what you want?

Start now and change your future. Your kids just want you to show them the world and feel that you love them. They know when mom and dad are fighting. Take some time now and again from them and have dates nights. You need it. Get to know your kids and the once burdened tasks will turn into play for you.
Then begins the teaching curve for all of you .
Remember , Love conquers all.

It's not a boy thing. My boy was an angel. Maybe he is the exception. And what you are going through is perfectly normal. You are stressed and so is your wife.


Take a deep breath and try to relax, you baby is picking up on your tension.

You should have some bottles pre-prepared for him. So he does not have to wait. Obviously you are feeding on demand and not on a schedule. It swound like all of you would have done better with scheduling.

If at all possible see if you can give you wife a break by hiring a mommy's helper. She will thank you for it.