Ask Me Help Desk - Boyfriend and his weird behavior.

So here's a little story about me..

I recently lost my virginity in April of this year. I'm 22 years old and have never even had any sexual experience before then. I wasn't pressured or anything. I just felt like it was the time. So I've almost been dating my boyfriend for 4 months now and everything was so perfect when we first started dating. He treated me well and we spent a lot of time
Together. During the second month we "fooled" around a lot and I really enjoyed it and he did too. Then, one night we decided we were going to go full-force and have sex. Well, it was rather.. unsuccessful? It hurt like hell for me since like I said, I was a virgin and he's not a small guy. I was sore as crap and I might've complained about how much it hurt. He only got completely in twice and I thought I was going to die! Lol. So, I was so raw and sore that I didn't officially consider it "sex" but whatever. He came really soon and we just had to give up. Now ever since that first time, he's been really different. I've mentioned several times that I'm willing to try it again despite the pain.
I've been ready to do it again for a while now, but he always claims he's too busy, he's tired, etc. Now, before you jump to conclusions.. let me just wrap a few things up. He's not cheating on me.. he works with guys all the time about 12 hours a day, then goes home. He pretty much passes out from being so tired so I know he isn't lying. Now what strikes me in an odd way is that he rarely shows any affection EVER. That includes hugs, kisses, holding hands, etc.
He pretty much doesn't touch me at any costs unless he has to go home or something, then he'll give me a quick hug and a little kiss goodnight. Sometimes he skips the kiss
All together. He's known for having bi-polar disorder as well and doesn't take meds, so I wonder if this is playing a role? Does he feel guilty about having sex with me?
I've asked him several times in the past if he just wants to break up with me and he always says "no" and that I misinterpret things and I take things the wrong way. But how am I supposed to take things normally if you're not acting like a boyfriend? I'm lucky to see him once or twice a week for maybe an hour or 2 and it's never just us.. he usually has his guy friend with him, so technically, there's no "us" time ever. Either that, or if we are alone.. he's working on his trucks and ignoring me. A little history about him is that he's a "redneck" type of guy and his trucks are his passion. He already mentioned that when we first started dating, and I don't have a problem with that as long as I get "my" time sometimes! So I know this is going to sound a bit selfish and weird, but I've been wanting to have sex again or at least "fool around" because he kind of got me into something that I can't resist, LOL. And I don't know how to approach the situation without being rejected again or feeling like I'm desperate. He's also very hard to communicate with since he's rather a loner and keeps to himself and I'm rather outspoken. We have completely opposite personalities.
There's just times I want to feel "pretty" or like I'm good enough and he's showing me absolutely no attention intimately. When we do hang out, it's like we're just good friends instead of dating.
I assume it's just his personality and he mentioned that "that was the real him" but damn.. I thought guys liked sex and stuff. I feel like the guy in the relationship and I'm too afraid/shy to come out and ask for what I want.. what the hell is wrong? He doesn't want to break up with me, and I don't want to do that either. But this is getting really strange that there's always something else he'd rather being doing... than me. Haha. Any advice?

Something is wrong. I couldn't tell you what it is. the bi-polar, was it actually diagnosed? And, is he on meds? Or is he just Saying he is bi-polar?
Maybe he thinks that he wasn't "good enough" when it came to sex since it hurt you so much.
If you DO try again, use LOTS of lube, and try to relax. Lube helps, but not if you tighten up.

Well, for the sexual issue, it doesn't sound like you were 'wet' enough. bronzebabe is right. Using a lube can help with this. And more foreplay can help as well. Perhapes he can try oral sex on you before the acuall act of intercourse.

As for the bi-polar, if he is bipolar it could Definitely be a cause. I am bipolar and my moods are not the only thing affected. Sexual drive is affected as well. Sometimes I want to throw my hsuband down and tear his clothing off, other times I get down right angry at him if he even HUGS me.

I second bronzebabe's question on if he is medicated. If not, he needs to be, and he needs to see a psychologist AND psychiatrist. They are 2 different doctors, and both are very much needed.

If he is bipolar some couples counseling might be a good idea for you both

Quote:

Originally Posted by bronzebabe

Something is wrong. I couldn't tell you what it is. the bi-polar, was it actually diagnosed? And, is he on meds? Or is he just Saying he is bi-polar?
Maybe he thinks that he wasn't "good enough" when it came to sex since it hurt you so much.
If you DO try again, use LOTS of lube, and try to relax. Lube helps, but not if you tighten up.

Firstly, hello.. and thank you for your response! Well, I did my own research since I'm a psych. Major in college. He was on meds for bi-polar disorder and it runs in his family. He said he "might" be bi-polar, so basically... he tries to deny it but he has all the symptoms except being extremely sexual. He's not on meds now because he tried to commit suicide by OD'ing on the meds that were prescribed by his psychiatrist and he refuses to see a doctor since he "has everything under control". This was over a year ago [before he and I were together] and he and other friends of his confirmed this story. It was actually one of the first things he mentioned when we were "potentially" getting ready to date. He has pretty low self-esteem, or so it seems that way.. so I also thought that could be an issue since he couldn't exactly get me to orgasm even during oral sex [which we didn't do the day we had sex]. But yes, we actually did finally use lube and it still didn't help.. even the "soothing" kind, lol. And yeah, I tightened up quite a bit. I was scared less, pardon the language, lol. I am more than willing to try it again, but like I said.. he's not even "hinting" around to wanting to do it again anytime soon.. this has been since April. There's like no sex drive at all and he's had 2 partners prior to me.. so I don't think that's the issue. I'm just assuming he feels bad... :\

Quote:

Originally Posted by jenniepepsi

well, for the sexual issue, it doesnt sound like you were 'wet' enough. bronzebabe is right. using a lube can help with this. and more foreplay can help as well. perhapes he can try oral sex on you before the acuall act of intercourse.

as for the bi-polar, if he is bipolar it could DEFINATELY be a cause. i am bipolar and my moods are not the only thing affected. sexual drive is affected as well. sometimes i want to throw my hsuband down and tear his clothing off, other times i get down right angry at him if he even HUGS me.

i second bronzebabe's question on if he is medicated. if not, he needs to be, and he needs to see a psychologist AND psychiatrist. they are 2 diffrent doctors, and both are very much needed.

if he is bipolar some couples councelling might be a good idea for you both

Hello jenniepepsi,
Thank you also for your response! You're probably right.. I was so nervous that I had to take a bathroom break in between. I felt embarrassed, but oh well lol. We used lube finally after the first 10 minutes of him trying to get in and it was the "soothing" kind, but I was still aching horribly. Thankfully, I didn't bleed either! He denies being bi-polar, but he once took meds for it and it runs in his family.. actually he says he "might" be bi-polar. :\ I've read that sexual drive usually goes from high to low, but since that first time.. his doesn't ever seem high at all. It makes me feel like I'm no good or that I'm not pretty. I know that sounds rather shallow and self-centered, but I just find it so awkward that we messed around before and right after the sex, he just backed away from me intimately all-together. I asked him if I've done anything wrong and he constantly told me no.. So I don't pry anymore and I just leave it alone. And I know if he didn't want to be with me, he would've broken up. I don't think that's the case though. I don't know what is at all. He also used to have a psychiatrist and was prescribed some meds for bi-polar disorder, but he tried to commit suicide by OD'ing on them so they took him off and he doesn't take anything at all now because "he has it under control".. yeah right. I just don't get it with him sometimes..

First, stop analyzing him. Take a look at yourself for a moment. Maybe you were like the fine sports car he always dreamed of but after the test drive, just didn't feel comfortable with. Now he don't know how to Really back out the deal with out hard feelings because he Does love you.
Stop being a Doctor and be the Sports car if you want to seal the deal. I went through the same thing. I was Military working hours no civilian can dream of, tired as well. But we just celebrated our 18th Anniversary.

Quote:

Originally Posted by 321543

First, stop analyzing him. Take a look at yourself for a moment. Maybe you were like the fine sports car he always dreamed of but after the test drive, just didn't feel comfortable with. Now he don't know how to Really back out the deal with out hard feelings because he Does love you.
Stop being a Doctor and be the Sports car if you want to seal the deal. I went through the same thing. I was Military working hours no civilian can dream of, tired as well. But we just celebrated our 18th Anniversary.

Hello 321543, thanks for your response. I might've teared up when I read your advice. I might've even cried for a moment. You're right about me analyzing him. He knows I've done that before and he told me to stay off these sites [when I was researching his bi-polar disorder symptoms] and I've tried, but I can't help but hear other people's opinions. I mean, this could be true. I'm sure he could break up with me if he wanted to.. he did it with his last girlfriend that he was *in love* with and when he wanted her back, she didn't take him back. Also, he's wanting to go into military and was going to before he wasn't able to due to the suicide thing.. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make it work. That's why I'm trying to get advice here so I don't have to bug him with this stuff that I've brought up to him before.

If you're willing to do whatever it takes to make it work, are you willing to live with his current behavior the rest of your life? If you have talked to him about having time together, as a couple... Why does he ignore you and work on his truck. Why does he hang out with his friends when he knows you would like to spend time with him alone? Bi-polar disorder aside, why does he consistently treat you like a non-sexual convenience item?

Difficulty having sex for your first time is a normal thing. It's something people talk to one another about. Sex is both fun and a learning experience; Practice, practice!

Do you masturbate? I know that's a personal question, but if you know what makes you orgasm, you can tell the guy what works.

No advances since April? No affection. No special time for both of you. Honey, you can be the "sports car" till doomsday but are you ready to put up with him, as is, forever? He may never change.

You say he took meds for the bipolar, but still denys having it and only THINKS he has it?

Has he ever been diagnosed? If he only THINKS he has it, how did he get the pills? Or did he get diagnosed, and he just refeuses to accept the diagnosis?

Everyone else is correct, you need to think about YOU here. You need to decide if this is something you want to deal with, being the loved one of a bipolar person is VERY difficult. However, it is very rewarding as well. It is up to you what you want to do. But you have to ask yourself, if you are willing to stay with him and help him through the hard times.

Good luck hon