So short and sweet. My love and I were living together for about 19months, things were fine though we had our ups and downs, arguments over not calling when she/i said "I'll be home in a bit" and then 2-4hours later coming home... things like that. Nothing major, just the whole "figuring out how to live with one another's needs/wants thing".

Anyhow, we lived in hong kong, and I had to return the states about 3 months ago. She came to visit the first week in June for about 10 days. All was fine for the duration, she got to meet my family(I'd already met hers) and then I sent her on her way. It was rough but I dealt.

Upon her return to Hong Kong she felt distant and eventually told me she feels confused after having met an old flame of hers in New york(she had spent time visiting friends in NY for 3 days before coming to see me). Her and this person had nothing before, but she confessed her feelings to him one night in New york. And then confessed to me that she had him and the situation on her mind the entire time she was visiting me.

She asked for time and space to figure things out and though I said that our 5000 mile and 13hour time difference is plenty space at the moment I eventually conceded. She keeps telling me she "thinks [she] still loves me" but is not sure.

Now I just got my VISA sponsorship(the reason I returned to the states in the first place) and am set to move back to Hong Kong though it is all a bit awkward now.


Should I still hold out hope for our almost 3 yr relationship to survive after a little time, space, communication and understanding or was her feelings and subsequent confession to this guy(who did not accept or act on her confession) a sign I should be ready to move on?





(to clarify I fully understand everyone has their "what ifs" about life, relationships, etc and that old flames may still flicker and feelings will be felt. Feelings are one thing as long as no action is taken IMO, but I feel that she sort of acted on those feelings by confessing them to him and I wonder if he'd have been receptive if things would have gone another way.)

Yes, you should hold out hope, and at the same time let go of any squeezing you might want to do to the situation. She has been honest with you and with him. How you handle yourself during this ambiguity tells her a lot about you.

If you have lost her to him already, being respectful of her choice doesn't cost anything. If she is comparing you with NY Guy, let her see the noble side of you.

Um, I'm not with Tao on this one.

She's confessed to another guy that she has 'feelings' for him. Obviously she's been thinking about him, otherwise why would she tell him (and you) this?

Plus, what's more, she only thinks she loves you. Now she wants time and you're about to go back.

You're right, it's awkward and her previous behavior leaves a lot to be desired, I reckon.

By all means go back to Hong Kong - but I wouldn't be holding out much hope. Her focus doesn't appear to be on you.

You can of course, be noble as Tao suggested, but it won't lessen the hurt.

Don't hold on to false hope.

If she can easily be distracted by a guy she like versus the guy she love then maybe she should be single so she can explore.

She did something she shouldn't have done and that was acting on her feelings at time meant to spend with you.

Now she is conflicted/confusion? Well I would help ease her confusion by making a decision for her.

If she can even consider walk away from a 3 year relationship because of a guy she likes then let her walk. I guarantee she was thinking about leaving you after you went back to the states but seeing this guy made the choice a little easier.

As I told another poster yesterday "you never leave the one you love for the one you like because the one you like will leave you for the one they love."

What would be the point of holding out hope in this situation?

You don't "think" you love someone... love is cut and dry, black and white... if she loved you, she would "know" it. There isn't an in between. I fail to understand how such a rock solid 2 year relationship can be swayed by a guy whom she hadn't had any previous feelings for. If your relationship was that strong to begin with, I don't think this would have ANY impact on it.

You can hope in one hand and take a dump in the other... at the end of the day, more often than not, the hand you didn't want to fill usually wins out.

Do not hold on to hope. If she still doesn't want you to be around and she is 5000 miles away... that signals a change in feelings to me. This is pretty much exactly the same situation when my ex broke-up with me after almost 4 years.

She says she is "confused" about an "old flame" she ran into... thats lame!

She is trying to tell you it is over, with out explicitly saying it.

I'm sorry, but I think you and her are done. If you wait around, next thing you know, you will be finding out that she moved on with someone else, all while you still wanted to work things out.

Been there... done that... got hurt. I will never do that again.

Be proactive, cut your losses, and start dealing with the emotional pain of losing her now! You will be way better off if you start now, than waiting months and starting then.

These things happen to the best of us. Good Luck!

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Originally Posted by kctiger

What would be the point of holding out hope in this situation?

You don't "think" you love someone...love is cut and dry, black and white...if she loved you, she would "know" it. There isn't an in between. I fail to understand how such a rock solid 2 year relationship can be swayed by a guy whom she hadn't had any previous feelings for. If your relationship was that strong to begin with, I don't think this would have ANY impact on it.

You can hope in one hand and take a dump in the other...at the end of the day, more often than not, the hand you didn't want to fill usually wins out.

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I think I may not have been clear enough in my first post.
She used to have a "thing" for this dude for a bit, until he moved back home, and since I guess she just kept it to herself and they remained distant friends. And seeing him brought up those old feelings which in turn confused her... A lot of us have our "what ifs" about old crushes and flings, this one has just brought chaos into our relationship.
She said that thinking about all this was just draining and that's when I told her again, I loved her, to which she responded "She thinks she still loves me...its just too much right now".

I also replied in the same way you did KC, and just said that I think she's over analyzing things and that love is just love and can't be reduced to some equation to solve.

If your willing to deal with the chaos then good for you because I wouldn't.

I have ran to guys I had a thing for but I wouldn't let those feelings interfere with my current relationship nor would I dwell on it.

Seeing this guy made her rethink if she wants to be you which isn't a good sign. Is she going put you through this every time she sees someone she had a thing for in the past?

If she doesn't know if she loves you by now (especially after 3 years) then she might never know especially if she is dwelling on this other guy.

Now you must wait on the sidelines while she decides? I for one never play nor would want to be on the sidelines for anyone.

I'm telling you Bob, this is a GINORMOUSLY HUGE, MOUNT EVEREST sized red flag waving right in front of your face.

Don't fall into the waiting trap.

Waiting for a girl to decide what she wants or feels, is like waiting at the DMV... You will wait forever, be frustrated to no end, confused, and not be satisfied with the result.

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She asked for time and space to figure things out

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You gave her what she asked for, now move ahead with your own life. She may get to end the relationship, but has no say in what you do about it. I think if thoughts of another guy can break you up, she already was out the door.

Talaniman Rule- When you get dumped, disappear from their life, and get your own, and revoke all of their relationship privileges.

Its all about you now, and not waiting for her permission for you to be happy.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

You gave her what she asked for, now move ahead with your own life. She may get to end the relationship, but has no say in what you do about it. I think if thoughts of another guy can break you up, she already was out the door.

Talaniman Rule- When you get dumped, disappear from their life, and get your own, and revoke all of their relationship privileges.

Its all about you now, and not waiting for her permission for you to be happy.

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Haha, the "Talaniman Rule", I lived by that one for far too long. Every relationship I've had up to this one has ended with my cutting all contact and even refusing any future contact they attempt with me years down the road.

I just can't bring myself to do it with this one. We actually had a life together, 3 years together, 2 years living together a place, 2 cats and a dog, family gatherings, all that. She knows me too well I and her. So cutting all contact isn't going to cut it this time.

She actually just called, we talked for about an hour, it was civil. She said she worried about my future too much, career wise(I was working under the table without a VISA for the 3 years I was in Hong Kong). She also wants me to take the job(I want to take it too because its rough out there right now and the pay is great, fulltime, bla bla), I informed her that I was going to anyhow and that I can't promise I'd mature overnight but I'm working on it.

I still love her, and perhaps always will but for now I'm just going to work on myself and still hold out hope.

Oh, and when I get back to HK I want my cats back goddamnit!
Lol

I hear you! Good luck with the pussies, and the job.

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Originally Posted by Bob Loblaw

Haha, the "Talaniman Rule", I lived by that one for far too long. Every relationship I've had up to this one has ended with my cutting all contact and even refusing any future contact they attempt with me years down the road.

I just can't bring myself to do it with this one. We actually had a life together, 3 years together, 2 years living together a place, 2 cats and a dog, family gatherings, all that. She knows me too well I and her. So cutting all contact isn't gonna cut it this time.

She actually just called, we talked for about an hour, it was civil. She said she worried about my future too much, career wise(I was working under the table without a VISA for the 3 years I was in Hong Kong). She also wants me to take the job(I want to take it too because its rough out there right now and the pay is great, fulltime, bla bla), I informed her that I was going to anyhow and that I can't promise I'd mature overnight but I'm working on it.

I still love her, and perhaps always will but for now I'm just going to work on myself and still hold out hope.

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I believe that this is the right thing to do in this case. There's no need to grasp at hope, or to invest in it disproportionally. Instead, you would be wise to take a neutral emotional stance while keeping hope alive but uncharged. Do everything your heart wants to do; just don't be attached to any outcome. Hard but doable.

The most important question is what work are you going to do in yourself? This work will determine how you manage this situation and what you glean from this relationship, in both the short and long-term. As you go about your business and your life, the products of your self-discovery, self-cultivation, generosity with her process, patience, and simultaneous detachment can lead you to new levels of experience that you couldn't have anticipated. Work well within yourself and you will be quite pleased.

Tao