The "opposite of anorexia".
Hello, sorry, I am new here, I just joined. However, I joined because of a specific thread on this site called "I want to get fat". It was about a man/woman who wanted to gain weight badly because they thought it was sexy, and they were asking how they could do it. Well, I went and I read that thread because I had the same problem two years ago. I wanted to reply to that thread, but it was closed. So I am asking you here: The situation that I am going to describe, has anyone experienced it themselves? Or do they know anyone who has gone through it? Anything is appreciated, I have tried googling what I call "the opposite of anorexia" numerous times but I feel as if I am alone in this disorder that I had. I don't want to be alone, I want answers please. I want to know that I am not the only one like this. Well two years ago, when I was 14, I wanted to be chubby. Not necessarily fat, but chubby. I have always been super skinny. That is just the way my body is. I was about 5'4" and 103 pounds. I had a good body - I was skinny and I liked that I could wear whatever I wanted but I never appreciated it. All the girls I saw in my school were chubby, but people liked them that way. I was tired of always being called "anorexic" and disgustingly skinny by everyone around me. So I decided to gain weight. At first it was just funny and cute, because I didn't really force myself to eat so much to the point that I was uncomfortable, and I did gain a little weight, maybe 4 or 5 pounds. But it looked good because it filled out my figure and I was still super skinny but now had some curves. Then that summer I kind of gave up on it for a while. I mean I still wanted to gain weight badly but I was so busy with things that summer that I mainly ate unhealthy foods, (hoping that the extra calories would make up for the lack of food). But once school started everything just went overboard. I wanted to be chubby SO BAD. I thought that I was disgustingly skinny, and when I gained weight I didn't notice it at all, I just thought I was getting skinnier. My perception of my body was totally distorted. I forced myself to eat until I was painfully full, sometimes even until I vomited, and still that was not enough. I felt like a failure. I was up until all hours of the night eating, and if I could not finish it I would bring it to school with me the next day and eat it in class. My mom saw a change and tried to stop me, but nothing else mattered. I snuck food upstairs without her seeing because she was forbidding me to eat so much. Looking back, I probably consumed about 6,000 calories a day. All I ate was junk, and lots of it. Any money I earned was spent on McDonalds. I couldn't stop, and I couldn't see myself changing and gaining weight like everyone else did. I just felt like I wasn't good enough the way I was. I can only imagine this is what someone with an eating disorder such as anorexia would feel, only the opposite. They think that they are fat and getting fatter, which is how I felt only skinny and getting thinner. This went on for about 4 months, from September to December. When I started, I was 103. When I ended, I was 155. No one could recognize me anymore. I didn't even feel like the same person. To this day I don't even know what it is that made me stop. Just all of a sudden something in me clicked, and I decided that I didn't want to do this to myself anymore. After that I went on a crash diet to lose the weight. I began to starve myself. I didn't want to, but I felt that I deserved it after having put my body through all of that. In one month I went from 155 to 120. Now I am 115. I know I will never be as small as I once was, but I look pretty much the same, only curvier. Now I am left with ugly stretch marks on my thighs and butt. It makes me hate myself so much, because I had such a good body before all of this and I still would if it wasn't for whatever was bothering me. I didn't see what I was doing to myself, I didn't think of the consequences at all. Sometimes I still don't eat because I want to go back to the way I was. I don't even know what my classmates think of me anymore. I am embarrassed to wear shorts now because my thighs are not the same as they once were. I see girls who are naturally skinny and think that I could look like that if it wasn't for those 4 months. I wonder, if anyone else has ever made a mistake that changed their entire life? For me, looks are all that matter. I know it shouldn't be that way but it is. I ruined my body right at a time when I should have been discovering it and loving it. Now I hate it. Sometimes it doesn't even feel as if this is my body... it isn't really. It isn't the same and it's not me. I feel like I should be dead. I am wondering, has anyone else ever felt this way? Please, I don't want to be alone in this. I want to know that someone else went through what I went through. Don't you just wish you could go back, knowing what you know now, and make things right? *sigh* but you can't, and if anyone finds a way, please let me know. ;)
Please, can someone make me feel normal again?
