Hi all,

I am in a bit of a weird and awkward situation with my *friends*. Here's what happened:

So, I was a really close friend with one of my female friends. We hit it off pretty well, took care of each other, etc... They say, a guy and a girl can't be friends, but I think we made it happen pretty well.

So, at one point, I had the worst of the worst happen in my life w.r.t work. In short, I felt disrespected, back stabbed, etc... with a few things related to my annual review/promotion stuff. It was a bit political and the best I could do, since this it hit me so hard for my first time, was to run back and spend some quality time with people I could really trust, respect, and, pretty much, recover with... family. This was for a few weeks (I handled it professionally and all).

Now, the issue was that I didn't quite feel that close to this friend at the moment since she's been in her own world (new relationship, busy work, etc... ). I tried mentioning my pain (as friends do), but never really got any good support. That's what I meant about "with people I could really ... ." So, when I came back, she started acting a little weird and questioning my "behavior" and that folks were "thinking" about me. I made sure nothing was perceived incorrectly about my time away (work from home) and all seemed well. Time passed, she kept to herself, and a lot more things happened...

A close couple we know were/are going through relationship issues and this friend was being really supportive to the guy and, I guess, I was doing the same with the girl. Not sure why (I really didn't interest me as I considered it girl drama) but the friend really felt angered for the girl and started being closer with the guy. This just felt wrong to me as she even started ignoring the girl (who's the *real* friend to begin with; both from same place, known each other for much longer, etc... ). Now that I somewhat seemed siding with the girl, it almost felt like she turned all our friends against her and I (or maybe it's all just in my head). No one would really treat or approach me the same way, etc...

Now, this friend managed to get some work/personal travel in and as usual I have stepped up to take care of her home/pet. This happened twice - both times were awkward - but I put that aside with my own understanding that I cared for her pet (I actually named it), etc... First time around, it was a text saying something like: she really doesn't trust anyone with her and would really appreciate my help even with everything that's happening. The second time around, she had been going through some family crisis of sorts. Her father had been diagnosed of a medical condition and she had to fly back home to be close. Obviously, she had failed to mention this to me. Even worse, I had to learn from the guy (the couple) about this at the last minute before her trip.

At this same time, she actually got upset on spite and took away her keys, and she sent out an email saying something like: I am confusing her for not being close anymore, seemed to have lost trust in each other, I was acting immature, and for some reason playing "guessing games" (her having to figure out what's happening with me, I guess). To this, I replied like: I have always been close to her (we literally live in the same building), she never really tried to reach out, she was lost in her own world but I supported and respected that, I felt hurt when I had to find out about her dad via *others*, and, finally, that I wouldn't bother her anymore of the 'guessing games' and that we should go our own ways. She replied in a text: she really didn't want to be fighting and not be friends anymore, and apologized for being upset. She awkwardly returned the keys on her day of travel...

A few weeks passed after her return. I learned to get used not having her around anymore, no real contact, etc... What's bad though is, we are physically close to each other (live and work! At the same places), and it's almost always awkward when we run into each other. I started avoiding any weekend/social invites with our common friends and that's really not putting a good perception of me with the folks. This really doesn't bother me as much, I guess, since I somewhat despise everyone siding with her and that these secondary friendships pretty much faded away and their true nature came out with all this. But, again, this awkwardness (having to avoid, etc... ) isn't really helping my mental health.

So, recently, she texted me asking me if I would never talk to her again. I replied, I really don't know and that she really hurt me and I can't seem to forgive/forget anymore.

Sorry for the lengthy story but I hope it's clear. Any advice? What should I do?

Whew! I had to read your story twice.

No offense, but this story gives me the impression that you need to do some work in yourself so you can understand what just happened. You've missed a whole sequence in your relationship with her: The part where she separated herself. And that she did the right thing.

The whole process had to happen in stages. You went from friends who "made it happen pretty well" to unsupported, to disappointed and separated, to having lost trust, to hurt and confused, to her "asking me if I would never talk to her again" without seeing the steps.

Just as important, you don't realize how you came off when you went to friends to recover from losing your job. Your story says that she couldn't handle something, the amount or intensity, or negativity in your "mentioning" your pain, that you probably got pretty negative, that she pulled away and trust became an issue, and that you don't know what you did. If you do, you are not mentioning it.

"I tried mentioning my pain (as friends do), but never really got any good support."

She not only didn't support your expression, she had to get away from it. That's bad, but what's worse—and forgive me for hammering on this, but it's the one thing that can show you what to do—is that you don't own any of this, don't take responsibility for your own actions and what they produced. At least, you don't express that.

This girl, your good friend, didn't get so pissed off from nothing, or from her imagination. You had a part of it. If you want the interactions you have with her at work to be more comfortable, less awkward, and a win for you and for her, look into the mirror long and hard enough to see how you operate, how you behave, what you did. Once you are completely honest with yourself about all that, you will be able to see her and be OK. You will also know that she neither did you wrong, nor hurt you.

At the beginning, I said that you needed to do some work in yourself. The work is becoming open enough to see the truth.


tao

Thanks for your thoughtful response! I'd like to add some of my thoughts (aftermath, if you will), and, perhaps, it would make a bit more clear from my standpoint:

So, yes, we were *good* friends. Or, maybe, I should say that I was a good friend to her. I have been there for her always, provided for her, supported her in many different ways and situations. To add to this, I doubt that she had ever considered me as a *best* friend (like I might have). Honestly, she's the one I felt close to in my life/place/town.

But, her character's of one that's like social butterfly when she sees a need. I hope that makes sense. I mentioned the above travel situations because they pretty much exemplify her times of need and how she would get away with her ways as she knows I am always there for her. The email reply I sent to her mentioned this and that she failed to even try to reach out or question me (at the same level I would've) on my return. I pretty much felt that she had been avoiding all this on purpose and she really didn't care much (I don't think she really ever did, honestly). I think that timing of her being in a new relationship also somewhat said how much I really meant to her over this new found love (not that I would ever want her to side or hurt her relationship).

About the *pain*, I never really expressed my issues to her in ways that would take her down emotionally/mentally. I think I am of the kind that would never let others feel my own pain. But rather be there always for others even if it were hard times for myself. This could also mean that I am not open, as you say, about my own feelings.

My real feeling now is that I felt mistreated, unsupported, and used. She mentioned in her email that it's not a friendship if it's one-sided. She also mentioned that I shouldn't support someone (the girl from the couple) because she was only after me to use or mistreat me. Both of these pretty much made me think of her as a hypocrite, and that's pretty much why I feel really hurt now. All this said, I think I *realized* that she's not a true friend. But, her being her character, the glue, if you will, of all the social life we have in common, isn't sitting well in my head.

Boy do you have life, and BS all mixed up! Seriously what made you think you can make someone a good friend? You had enough signs, signals, and red flags, to have backed away a long time ago, so now don't blame her for being who she is, and not living up to your standards as a friend.

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But, her being her character, the glue, if you will, of all the social life we have in common, isn't sitting well in my head.

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Do something about it, rather than complain, and keep doing the same thing over and over, and expecting different results.

Its up to you, not her, to adjust to the facts.

"Never make a person a priority in your life, while allowing them to make you an option in theirs."

I get it. Lesson learned. I will move on. I will learn to respect myself and be happy no matter. Thanks :)

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Originally Posted by vishd

Thanks for your thoughtful response! I'd like to add some of my thoughts (aftermath, if you will), and, perhaps, it would make a bit more clear from my standpoint:

So, yes, we were *good* friends. Or, maybe, I should say that I was a good friend to her. I have been there for her always, provided for her, supported her in many different ways and situations. To add to this, I doubt that she had ever considered me as a *best* friend (like I might have). Honestly, she's the one I felt close to in my life/place/town.

But, her character's of one that's like social butterfly when she sees a need. I hope that makes sense. I mentioned the above travel situations because they pretty much exemplify her times of need and how she would get away with her ways as she knows I am always there for her. The email reply I sent to her mentioned this and that she failed to even try to reach out or question me (at the same level I would've) on my return. I pretty much felt that she had been avoiding all this on purpose and she really didn't care much (I don't think she really ever did, honestly). I think that timing of her being in a new relationship also somewhat said how much I really meant to her over this new found love (not that I would ever want her to side or hurt her relationship).

About the *pain*, I never really expressed my issues to her in ways that would take her down emotionally/mentally. I think I am of the kind that would never let others feel my own pain. But rather be there always for others even if it were hard times for myself. This could also mean that I am not open, as you say, about my own feelings.

My real feeling now is that I felt mistreated, unsupported, and used. She mentioned in her email that it's not a friendship if it's one-sided. She also mentioned that I shouldn't support someone (the girl from the couple) because she was only after me to use or mistreat me. Both of these pretty much made me think of her as a hypocrite, and that's pretty much why I feel really hurt now. All this said, I think I *realized* that she's not a true friend. But, her being her character, the glue, if you will, of all the social life we have in common, isn't sitting well in my head.

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Vishd,

I am glad to see that there is more to you than the rambling first post would lead one to believe. Now I understand a tiny bit more, and am willing to work through this issue with you.

There are two paths we can take. They both lead to the same destination if one follows through with them. On one path, we can go point-by-point into your narratives to clarify the data (so-called "facts"), and the perceptions, interpretations, statements and misstatements, expectations and disappointments, and other details of the situation, and then work to find a place of peace and resolution for you. The other takes us straight into your cognitive, emotional, and meaning-deriving patterns and discovering how you set yourself up for this situation, and most likely other similar situations. Seeing your patterns, you can have new choices.

The first path eventually gets to the work of the second; it just starts with a longer introduction. If you need that introduction, and want to parse the story before getting onto the changes you can make in your operating patterns, we can do that.

The second path is more direct and, therefore, quicker. It just takes more courage and the willingness to discover what you do in situations like this. With that awareness, and the power that ownership bestows, you can update your thinking processes, your models of friendship, romantic relationship, and communication/interaction, and adjust your behavior going forward. In that process, you can learn how to be comfortable around her and how to handle the relationship.

This is like updating software. The software—aka "wetware"—is the way you think, what you think, how you represent and operate in the world, and most notably, how you approach and can approach relational problem-solving and relationships in general.

Let me know if one of these appeals to you or not. I'm open to any other approach.

Meanwhile, the first premise for you consider is that you aren't communicating clearly in this written forum. I don't see what she does that bothers you at those "social butterfly" times, for example, or what she did to hurt you—clearly she pulled strongly away, but as painful as that is, there is nothing dishonorable or malicious in it—but you haven't said anything that describes using you or mistreating you.

You are suffering genuine anguish, though. It might be her fault and it might be the product of the story that is playing out in your head. There's no need for unnecessary suffering in this life, and your story might be distorted in ways that make you suffer. If you feel ready to move to the next level in freeing yourself from such things, let's work. There will be others who will contribute valuable ideas to the process as well.

What would you like to do?

Tao

I am glad that you presented these options :). It's always nice to think through and reason out one's decisions. I'd love to clear up any of the above narrative as this will also help me get the *facts* straight, I guess. Where can I be more clear?

So, yea, it doesn't really bother me that she's a social butterfly. I think that her being the *glue* between the social circles and that in having to avoid her I am missing out on the life I once was used to. I am aware that me skipping out on these social gatherings is a sign of my weakness and/or lack of resolution on my part (since she's fine attending them). But, I just keep thinking that since she has the stronger hold of the circles, I'd be better off avoiding them as well.


I should add the following:

I really haven't questioned/realized that she wasn't a true friend (or one of my standards) until after all this. She is actually a very nice person, kind-hearted, well-mannered, value driven person (no wonder I connected with her). But, at times, she tends to get her priorities (work vs. friends vs. relationships) wrong. Not to defend/reason this against her, but, she had similar issues with her past relationships/friendships.

As for my standards or expectations, I might have them all wrong, and I could use some advice, perhaps. I moved to a new state/city a year or so ago and still find it hard to fit it. Folks here seem a lot different than where I grew up. So, I perhaps tend to expect the same level of support/friendship of others as from my past and, maybe, that's the issue living in this city.

I think you have depended on her enough, and need to get a life that you enjoy without her.

Your expectations of her, are not realistic, or healthy for you.

Take full responsibility for your own happiness, and accept her shortcomings, as being human, as are you.

That's what friends do!

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Originally Posted by talaniman

I think you have depended on her enough, and need to get a life that you enjoy without her.

Your expectations of her, are not realistic, or healthy for you.

Take full responsibility for your own happiness, and accept her shortcomings, as being human, as are you.

Thats what friends do!

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I understand and I agree. Help me understand something we call friendship in general. What's fair, what should I expect? Is it fair and healthy to accept one as a friend even if you feel the friendship is unbalanced/unequal/etc.. If so, would it be right to put up a smile and focus on the positives and let our lives tick? Or, should I set the same level of support/concern/friendship (as with your quote)? If so, isn't that being a bit too picky as this isn't the same level of a serious life relationship?

The quote in my signature is about all people whom you meet in life, not just the ones you want a relationship with or just friendship with.

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Originally Posted by vishd

I understand and I agree. Help me understand something we call friendship in general. What's fair, what should I expect? Is it fair and healthy to accept one as a friend even if you feel the friendship is unbalanced/unequal/etc...? If so, would it be right to put up a smile and focus on the positives and let our lives tick? Or, should I set the same level of support/concern/friendship (as with your quote)? If so, isn't that being a bit too picky as this isn't the same level of a serious life relationship?

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Vishd,

Actually, I'm getting the picture more clearly as I read and reread these posts. So, rather than chasing the clarity of communication issue, let's frame the situation.

Recap

1. You and she had been good friends, with you feeling closer than she.
2. Something happened on your lost-my-job recovery trip; Afterward, "she started acting a little weird and questioning [your] "behavior" and that folks were "thinking" about [you]."
3. The event with the couple made things worse, and she developed a trust issue. That issue went both ways when she didn't tell you about her father.
4. You were very generous (taking care of her pet while she was away) and there for her, and you feel used.
5. Now, it is awkward to see her at work, and to deal with the fact that she is the "glue" of your social circle, you are avoiding them. This is a loss for you.

Right so far? So, what did you do that shut her down? Did you step over the line between friend and romantically interested? What behavior is she referring to? If you don't know, my first instincts are right: you missed a bunch of stuff, and your goal should be to become aware of that dimension. If you do know, and understand what happened in her, my instincts about the two paths are wrong. You just need to know what is appropriate for the culture you are in, specifically what level of "support/concern/friendship" is right. If you can search your self and find nothing that you did to precipitate this chain of events, it might just be something in her. If this last point is the point, you are innocent of wrong-doing and will sooner or later hear about her from other mutual acquaintances.

Every culture has its ideas about roles in relationships. Friends are supporters, truth-sayers, loyal, reliable, etc. All cultures offer implicit but established terms of interaction. It's OK or not OK to talk in a certain way, or volume, or tone of voice. Men can do x and women can do y. And all cultures enable people to set boundaries. You can look, but you can't touch. You must be clear about those three elements. To understand a little better, indeed what country/city are you in? What cultures shaped you and her? What special characteristics of those cultures play a role here?

What have you done since to integrate into your new setting and get to know people? How has it worked? If you haven't yet made friends, have you made allies?

To answer your questions, both asked and unasked:

No, it is not fair, or smart, to be in an unbalanced relationship. They don't do well, no matter what type of relationship.

Yes, it's OK to smile and go about your business. If she wants to get beneath the surface, let her initiate that. Be receptive but don't feel obligated. If you did nothing wrong, you owe her nothing.

Don't hesitate to rejoin your social circle. If your conscious is clear, you can treat her like everyone else. Enjoy yourself and let this whole thing go.



tao

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Originally Posted by taoplr

Vishd,

Actually, I'm getting the picture more clearly as I read and reread these posts. So, rather than chasing the clarity of communication issue, let's frame the situation.

Recap

1. You and she had been good friends, with you feeling closer than she.
2. Something happened on your lost-my-job recovery trip; Afterward, "she started acting a little weird and questioning [your] "behavior" and that folks were "thinking" about [you]."
3. The event with the couple made things worse, and she developed a trust issue. That issue went both ways when she didn't tell you about her father.
4. You were very generous (taking care of her pet while she was away) and there for her, and you feel used.
5. Now, it is awkward to see her at work, and to deal with the fact that she is the "glue" of your social circle, you are avoiding them. This is a loss for you.

Right so far? So, what did you do that shut her down? Did you step over the line between friend and romantically interested? What behavior is she referring to? If you don't know, my first instincts are right: you missed a bunch of stuff, and your goal should be to become aware of that dimension. If you do know, and understand what happened in her, my instincts about the two paths are wrong. You just need to know what is appropriate for the culture you are in, specifically what level of "support/concern/friendship" is right. If you can search your self and find nothing that you did to precipitate this chain of events, it might just be something in her. If this last point is the point, you are innocent of wrong-doing and will sooner or later hear about her from other mutual acquaintances.

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Yes, you have it very well! So, yes, she did go through a lot during my comfort-family-getaway (didn't lose the job :P). She had recently recovered from a bad relationship and had been trying to get back on her own feet. I really don't have to mention it, but as usual, I have been a very supportive friend through all this. Been there when she needed to a shoulder to cry on, cooked dinner for her on nights that seemed a little down/lonely, etc...

Anyway, during my own hard times (~month), she found her new love (a really nice guy), but, she had failed to mention a single thing about it this time around (and only had to learn through vague references on Facebook). It really didn't bother me when I was out of town as I figured she would've mentioned it when I am back and/or if it were really serious. But, it was serious and never directly mentioned it. Oh, so, you could say I started to sense some mistrust at this point. It also bothered me later when I learned that every other *friend* had been in touch/invited to events/etc.. With the guy. This made me feel like an outsider, I guess.

So, you might think this is when *something* might have happened or I might have done *wrong* for her behavior. Honestly, I don't think I crossed a line or have done anything wrong to lose any trust with her. But, all I reasoned of her (and pretty much what I mentioned to her in the email) was that: I am mature enough of guy to understand why she didn't share her personal life anymore (the guy or the dad's health issue). Eventually, though, I did get to meet the guy at a corporate event and all seemed OK.

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Originally Posted by taoplr

Every culture has its ideas about roles in relationships. Friends are supporters, truth-sayers, loyal, reliable, etc. All cultures offer implicit but established terms of interaction. It's OK or not OK to talk in a certain way, or volume, or tone of voice. Men can do x and women can do y. And all cultures enable people to set boundaries. You can look, but you can't touch. You must be clear about those three elements. To understand a little better, indeed what country/city are you in? What cultures shaped you and her? What special characteristics of those cultures play a role here?

What have you done since to integrate into your new setting and get to know people? How has it worked? If you haven't yet made friends, have you made allies?

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So, just a little background: I am from S.Asia and she's from S.America. We both have strong asian values but are accustomed to live the American way, if you will. I don't think this would make any big difference other than that I am a guy and I guess it's not of the common for a girl to have a good guy friend. So, I think, our backgrounds helped here to make it happen (with a lot of trust/etc... ).

More specifically, I grew up in DC area and moved down to MIA for my job. She pretty much moved to MIA around the same time for the same reason. To me, it's quite a cultural shock being asian myself as MIA is pretty much a Latin country. So, that circle of friends I most attached consisted of young professionals who have moved over around the same time (most from work as well). I consider myself a friendly, down-to-earth person, and I get along well with most everyone. So, yes, I would say I have made a lot of allies. But, what bothers me the most is that, folks here just seem superficial, self-centered, and, basically, *fake*. But, I consider (or at least I did) my *friends* otherwise.

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Originally Posted by taoplr

To answer your questions, both asked and unasked:

No, it is not fair, or smart, to be in an unbalanced relationship. They don't do well, no matter what type of relationship.

Yes, it's OK to smile and go about your business. If she wants to get beneath the surface, let her initiate that. Be receptive but don't feel obligated. If you did nothing wrong, you owe her nothing.

Don't hesitate to rejoin your social circle. If your conscious is clear, you can treat her like everyone else. Enjoy yourself and let this whole thing go.



Thanks! I really appreciate you talking me thru this. I really hope to figure this out rationally and make the right decision.

tao

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Originally Posted by vishd

... I would say I have made a lot of allies. But, what bothers me the most is that, folks here just seem superficial, self-centered, and, basically, *fake*. But, I consider (or at least I did) my *friends* otherwise.

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One thing that will help is making some real friends. While those folks might seem superficial, consider the possibility that their culture is to show that side of themselves easily, while keeping the deeper parts for few, cherished, time-tested friends. Many of the might be as superficial as you believe, but the genuine ones have a metaphor and a method for revealing what's deep within them. Learn who they are and how and what they think.

..."you could say I started to sense some mistrust at this point. It also bothered me later when I learned that every other *friend* had been in touch/invited to events/etc.. with the guy. This made me feel like an outsider"...

So, she's been playing you, letting you cater to her needs and moods, hiding the truth. Well, the greatest source of distrust is one's own deceit. Let's be generous and say that she hid all this because she also cares about you and didn't want to hurt you. It didn't work.

You learned that some people can't have an equal, fair, genuine, sustained friendship with someone of the opposite sex. That's not true of everyone.

Tao

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Originally Posted by taoplr

One thing that will help is making some real friends. While those folks might seem superficial, consider the possibility that their culture is to show that side of themselves easily, while keeping the deeper parts for few, cherished, time-tested friends. Many of the might be as superficial as you believe, but the genuine ones have a metaphor and a method for revealing what's deep within them. Learn who they are and how and what they think.

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Good advice and I can't believe I never really took this perspective on folks in this city. Really helpful!

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Originally Posted by taoplr

So, she's been playing you, letting you cater to her needs and moods, hiding the truth. Well, the greatest source of distrust is one's own deceit. Let's be generous and say that she hid all this because she also cares about you and didn't want to hurt you. It didn't work.

You learned that some people can't have an equal, fair, genuine, sustained friendship with someone of the opposite sex. That's not true of everyone.

tao

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Agreed, I do believe she treated me so because she did/does care. And, yes, I guess I've to give it to her for trying - she did have me convinced ;). At least, I know the reality, I can move on.

How do you propose I re-engage with the group? How would I be able treat he the same as others? Should I approach her and express my current understanding/make peace/etc..

Also, she's now trying to reach out. I mentioned about the text about if I would ever talk to her again. Later, she actually brought back a small gift to thank me for taking care of her pet/house from that last trip. Then, another gesture of giving me some helpful/thoughtful items, randomly. For all of these, I have been receptive and thankful.

As for the group, I had to avoid two events, to which I simply mentioned that I couldn't make it. Not sure if I should reason this with the planning friends so not to piss them off, indirectly.

I apologize if I am starting to sound a bit detailed, but, these conversations are really helpful and comforting for me. Thanks!

I believe in forgiving and understanding, just for ones own sake, and moving beyond the misunderstanding we have with our fellow humans.

The real test is can you treat her as a fellow human, with courtesy and respect, but keep her at a distance that guards your own feelings.

I think it would help to see your own part in this, as we also see, and feel, what we want to, and many times that is not realistic. Maybe you got in deeper than you should, or did not clarify the situation with questions, that would have given you more facts.

Assumptions, and presumptions, can lead us away from the true nature of someone's motives, feelings, or actions. I think that's what you have here, she needed, and you gave unconditionally, but now she no longer needs what you have, and you maybe empty.

Being a stranger, in unfamiliar territory, can lead to attachments, that are really hard to break, or reconcile, when they are unexpectedly broken.

When the emotional dust settles it will appear differently than when all this happened, and that takes time.

That's probably what's needed, time to reconcile your own feelings.

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Originally Posted by vishd

Good advice and I can't believe I never really took this perspective on folks in this city. Really helpful!

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If I understand correctly, you are in Miami, a Cuban, Puerto Rican, Central and South American, East Coast US, great food and music, very sexy culture. In such a culture, who wants to have a serious conversation in social settings? At least, not for starters! It takes years to get beyond the pleasure-driven and niceties-oriented surface. One saves the deep stuff for the trusted few.

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Agreed, I do believe she treated me so because she did/does care. And, yes, I guess I've to give it to her for trying - she did have me convinced ;). At least, I know the reality, I can move on.

How do you propose I re-engage with the group? How would I be able treat he the same as others? Should I approach her and express my current understanding/make peace/etc..

Also, she's now trying to reach out. I mentioned about the text about if I would ever talk to her again. Later, she actually brought back a small gift to thank me for taking care of her pet/house from that last trip. Then, another gesture of giving me some helpful/thoughtful items, randomly. For all of these, I have been receptive and thankful.

As for the group, I had to avoid two events, to which I simply mentioned that I couldn't make it. Not sure if I should reason this with the planning friends so not to piss them off, indirectly.

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I would take an active stance in showing up, and a passive stance in making speeches. You don't have to explain yourself to anyone. If they ask, it's your choice as to how much you tell them. If you are just being genuinely who you are, they will forget that you withdrew for a while.

With her, you said 2/3 of it. I would add a third characteristic and make it receptive, thankful, and without expectations. You have been a gentle, generous, caring friend. That doesn't have to change, although you might find yourself doing less for her and more for yourself. Other friends, or your new girlfriend.

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I apologize if I am starting to sound a bit detailed, but, these conversations are really helpful and comforting for me. Thanks!

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No need to apologize. The details are where the action is. And, these conversations serve all of us.

tao

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Originally Posted by talaniman

I believe in forgiving and understanding, just for ones own sake, and moving beyond the misunderstanding we have with our fellow humans.

The real test is can you treat her as a fellow human, with courtesy and respect, but keep her at a distance that guards your own feelings.

I think it would help to see your own part in this, as we also see, and feel, what we want to, and many times that is not realistic. Maybe you got in deeper than you should, or did not clarify the situation with questions, that would have given you more facts.

Assumptions, and presumptions, can lead us away from the true nature of someones motives, feelings, or actions. I think thats what you have here, she needed, and you gave unconditionally, but now she no longer needs what you have, and you maybe empty.

Being a stranger, in unfamiliar territory, can lead to attachments, that are really hard to break, or reconcile, when they are unexpectedly broken.

When the emotional dust settles it will appear differently than when all this happened, and that takes time.

Thats probably whats needed, time to reconcile your own feelings.

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Yes, totally agree! Time, oh, time! :)

Thanks again!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by taoplr

If I understand correctly, you are in Miami, a Cuban, Puerto Rican, Central and South American, East Coast US, great food and music, very sexy culture. In such a culture, who wants to have a serious conversation in social settings? At least, not for starters! It takes years to get beyond the pleasure-driven and niceties-oriented surface. One saves the deep stuff for the trusted few.



I would take an active stance in showing up, and a passive stance in making speeches. You don't have to explain yourself to anyone. If they ask, it's your choice as to how much you tell them. If you are just being genuinely who you are, they will forget that you withdrew for a while.

With her, you said 2/3 of it. I would add a third characteristic and make it receptive, thankful, and without expectations. You have been a gentle, generous, caring friend. That doesn't have to change, although you might find yourself doing less for her and more for yourself. other friends, or your new girlfriend.



No need to apologize. The details are where the action is. And, these conversations serve all of us.

tao

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Makes sense, I do have to set right expectations (or lack of). I will need to learn to approach social/life as you put it. Hopefully, time will settle things and I won't be left feeling this way anymore. Thanks much, this really helped.