Ask Me Help Desk - She asked for a break and I'm a mess

She asked for a break and I'm a mess

So my girlfriend and I have been together for only two months. Very short I know but the relationship took off at full speed. We are both 27 and live in New York with hectic time tables.
It has been 4 days since she asked for a break and it has been tearing me apart. Now I understand why she has asked for this break. We met only two months after she was left my her ex of eight months whom she thought she would marry. One day after saying I love you and leaving for work in another state he never returned to her. Didn't return any of her calls, letters, anything. When we met she was still very upset by it all but we clicked so well she decided to try things out with me. She occasionally would break down with the hurt she felt from the break but assured me she didn't want him back. She also expressed how difficult she was finding to let herself fall in love again. Even though she told me she loved me there was always a barrier there. We agreed to take the whole relationship slowly but that didn't happen and we began spending all our free time together. She even flew to England when I was there and met my family (I'm English) She told me a number of times how perfect she finds me and how she didn't know guys like me existed. She wasn't treated well in her past relationships and finds it hard and unbelievable that a guy could treat her how she always longed to be. She kept saying that I will eventually wake up and leave her, she had no trust I would stay. But I truly want to, I have enjoyed these two months with her more than with any women I have been with prior so going from speaking and hanging out 24/7 to nothing is eating me up.
Oh and another thing, she felt like she was getting overwhelmed with spending so much time together, she was losing the structure to her life and not doing the things that keep her sane like yoga etc. But please don't think I forced her to hang out because I didn't it was definitely a two way thing.
I know everyone is going to say give her the space she asked for. But my question for how long. If she doesn't call in a week, 2, 3 and month what do I do. Should I just let her be or after 2 weeks call and see how she is getting on. If she still wants to be together. Please help!!

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Originally Posted by jamcoll7

Now i understand why she has asked for this break. We met only two months after she was left my her ex of eight months whom she thought she would marry. One day after saying i love you and leaving for work in another state he never returned to her. Didn't return any of her calls, letters, anything. When we met she was still very upset by it all but we clicked so well she decided to try things out with me. She occationally would break down with the hurt she felt from the break but assured me she didn't want him back.

You had no business dating this woman, and this woman had no business dating anybody. She was not over her last boyfriend and as such you were a rebound. Worse then that, you were a rebound that was her emotional tampon. You soaked up all her hurt, and the more you soaked it up the more she gave it to you.

What you needed to make clear, and should make clear in the future with anyone you date is if she has problems from a past relationship she works them out on her own and solves them on her own. If she brings them to you, you do not solve them for her. If she continues to do disrespect you by dumping her problems on you then you walk away. You deserve better then that.

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Originally Posted by jamcoll7

She also expressed how difficult she was finding to let herself fall in love again.

Because she was still in love with the ex.

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Originally Posted by jamcoll7

Even though she told me she loved me there was always a barrier there.

She didn't love you after 60 days. She loved having you there to whine to, but she didn't love you.

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Originally Posted by jamcoll7

We agreed to take the whole relationship slowly but that didn't happen and we began spending all our free time together.

The more you soaked up her past problems the more she gave you.

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Originally Posted by jamcoll7

She even flew to England when i was there and met my family (I'm English)

I'm sorry to hear that.

It could be worse you could be French.

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Originally Posted by jamcoll7

She told me a number of times how perfect she finds me and how she didnt know guys like me existed.

That's girl talk for, "your the nice guy I should like, but feel no real attraction towards, even though I should."

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Originally Posted by jamcoll7

She wasn't treated well in her past relationships and finds it hard and unbelievable that a guy could treat her how she always longed to be. She kept saying that i will eventually wake up and leave her, she had no trust i would stay.

This is the problem with woman like this. They tell you what they are attracted to. Guys that treat them like crap. Seriously, you know good and well there are really good guys out there, and women like this say that's what they want, but they never actually go for them even though they exist. Maybe at some level she thinks that's what she should like, but she doesn't because she doesn't ever seek them out. She seeks out the guys that treat her like crap, and then in turn treats those of them that are good to her, like crap.

This is a form of mental illness on her part. She seeks the abuse but runs from and self sabotoges when someone good comes along. You can't help her, because she isn't attracted to you at that emotional level. She can't even begin to understand how to be.

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Originally Posted by jamcoll7

But i truely want to, I have enjoyed these two months with her more than with any women i have been with prior so going from speaking and hanging out 24/7 to nothing is eating me up.
Oh and another thing, she felt like she was getting overwhelmed with spending so much time together, she was losing the structure to her life and not doing the things that keep her sane like yoga etc. But please don't think i forced her to hang out because i didn't it was definitely a two way thing.

I don't think you forced anything on her. I think she forced her pain and agony on you, and you kept picking up her pieces until she was better again.

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Originally Posted by jamcoll7

I know everyone is going to say give her the space she asked for.

Yep. I'm even going to go one further and suggest that you do not ever talk to this emotional abuser again. Ever.

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Originally Posted by jamcoll7

But my question for how long. If she doesnt call in a week, 2, 3 and month what do i do. Should i just let her be or after 2 weeks call and see how she is getting on. If she still wants to be together. Please help!!!!!

She's going to call again. I can't give you a time frame, but I can tell you when. After the next guy uses her and she's PO'ed at herself for being so stupid as to fall for it again she'll call. She'll tell you how much she missed you and how she tried dating others but they didn't have what you have. Then she'll dump her problems on you once again until you are empty of confidence and she is whole and then she'll break it off. She'll repeat this cycle until you stop it. So do yourself a favor and just don't start the cycle. She's not worth it, and you have better things to do then be her emotional tampon.

The main reason she needs space is for herself. She did not have time to recover from her recent breakup. As a result, you became her rebound. So it's not really something you did or did not do. It's nothing personal against you. But now she's done with her rebound, and she's finally trying to move on with her life. It's all just bad timing.

She already knows how you feel about her. So there's no timeline on when to contact her, because it's up to her if she wants to contact you.

As for you, it's time for you to move on. If she comes back, then great, but you shouldn't be putting your life on hold for her. If it was meant to be, it will all work out in the end.

Let her worry about her problems and you go on living your life.

You sound like a decent person, but I agree with the others that there was no time for your girlfriend to work through the breakup with her last boyfriend. She really wasn't available emotionally.

Had time already passed, and she was well over the ex, and then met you, you probably wouldn't have posted at all.

But, the plus side is, she was smart enough to take the time she needs so she's thinking with a clear head, and only then can she give you an honest chance at a relationship, not tied to the past.

I would say that you made a solid impression to her, and chances are greater than not that she will contact you again.

Time is what she needs, and only she will know when she's ready.

Thank you for your comments. They are really helping but I'm finding it so hard not to call her or go and see her. I really thought I found a good one. We would have so much fun together! I would love to hear more comments!

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Originally Posted by jamcoll7 https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/amhd_i...s/viewpost.gif
I know everyone is going to say give her the space she asked for. But my question for how long. If she doesn't call in a week, 2, 3 and month what do I do. Should I just let her be or after 2 weeks call and see how she is getting on. If she still wants to be together. Please help!!

Leave her alone, and see what happens in 6 months.

Anyone else have any advice??

Yeah, I just answered in your other thread where you asked the same questions that you ignored the answers to here.

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Originally Posted by jamcoll7

I really thought i found a good one.

You didn't. There is nothing good about her.

I haven't ignored the answers, I was just trying to hear more peoples views that's all. I haven't spoken to her even though I really do want to. And there good about her, she is a lovely perosn despite what's going on with us.

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Originally Posted by jamcoll7

i haven't ignored the answers, i was just trying to hear more peoples views that's all. I haven't spoken to her even though i really do want to.

I know you do. I know it sucks. But for your own good you have to stay true to yourself and not contact her.

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Originally Posted by jamcoll7

And there good about her, she is a lovely perosn despite whats going on with us.

Okay, she's not Charles Manson. I think you missed my point and my point is she used you as a rebound. Using people... especially a guy that wouldn't do that to her does not make her a good person.

Mate this is so hard. I accept I was a rebound now, but thought it was real and thought the brilliant connection we had was real. I'm finding it really hard letting go!!

What you feel after two months isn't love. You were in the 'falling in love' stage, and that is a really wonderful and magical place to be with someone. Probably the best part of a new love is falling in love.

You aren't letting go of an established relationship, after the bliss of those first months begin to fade, and reality sets in. You are letting go of something that never got to first base. Sort of stuck in that place with rose coloured glasses where the attraction is so strong and intense. But, it is not love.

What you are letting go of is what could have been, and you will never probably know what that was. You have to realize that what you felt was temporary, and fleeting, and it did not lead where you thought it would lead.

And I agree that you were the rebound guy. Any relationship takes time and reflection to recover from. To go from a breakup into a new relationship is not fair to you, and she is not being fair to herself. She really wasn't/isn't in an emotional place to be free from the past, and create a new future with you.

Time will fade the feelings you have. And you will have them again, with another woman, at another time. Hopefully she will be as ready as you to develop a strong relationship, without one foot in the past.

Yeah I know time will fade it. I just hope she does come back when she is over her issues because I do think she is a great girl and that we may have just met at the wrong time.

That's a good point. The timing was off.

Had it happened at another time when she was truly available, who knows what would have happened.

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Originally Posted by jamcoll7

mate this is so hard. I accept i was a rebound now, but thought it was real and thought the brilliant connection we had was real. I'm finding it really hard letting go!!!!!

There are 3 billion women on this planet. Don't you think one of those 3 billion might treat you a little better then to use you and your kindness? I know you fell hard, I've done it too, but let's not start lying about what this was. It was a connection from one side only. It doesn't make you a bad guy. In fact it makes you better then her, you gave of yourself and she couldn't. But you only spent 60 days learning this lesson. Some people spend years and find out the hard way. This is really a good situation for you believe it or not. You've found out a huge flaw her character or lack there of right of the bat.

I think you want to accept that you were her rebound, but you really don't think you were. You're thinking with pure emotions and that's it my friend. It's hard to be receptive towards advice when you still have that mentality. If you sit around and wait for her you are going to destroy yourself doing so. You are dwelling in all of this and have this hope that she's going to come back... but you can't do that. She might not come back. Ever. And you need to accept the reality of this.

And I hate to say this, but you were with her for two months. That is not enough time to fully know someone and have a "great" relationship. Relationships take time and energy to be fully functional, none of which you have had. She spent a lot of her energy trying to get over her ex.

I apologize if I'm sounding harsh, but until you accept the reality of the situation, all the advice in the world isn't going to get you anywhere :(

So I thought I would update you all. So I met up with the girl in question after I called her. I had had enough of this torture of N/A anyway she told me she isn't ready to be with anyone for sometime as she needs to heal the hurt from what the ex did. She pushed the fact I wasn't a rebound and wants to meet up again in a few months when she has her issues sorted. I'm not going to wait for her but if I am single then I will meet her.

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Originally Posted by jamcoll7

i haven't ignored the answers, i was just trying to hear more peoples views that's all. I haven't spoken to her even though i really do want to. And there good about her, she is a lovely perosn despite whats going on with us.

When someone decides to focus on his/her own emotional needs at the expense of someone who loves him/her dearly, there is nothing lovely about that person.

I have been in the same mess, different flavor though. The harsh reality of the situation is , some people like to use, some people like to be used. You seem to be the latter one. If you walk away right now, you will thank everyone (including yourself) for doing the right thing. If you don't (which I am afraid of), you will run into cycles of drama until you have no energy left to chase this thing.

One thing I have learned from my past relationships, emotionally selfish people are far dangerous than financially (or any other kind of) selfish people. Be watchful of those kind and steer clear. If she has put herself in your shoes even for a second, she would know how hurtful she is being to you.. but no, at this point, she is focused on herself.. and believe me , that doesn't change..

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Originally Posted by jamcoll7

anyway she told me she isn't ready to be with anyone for sometime as she needs to heal the hurt from what the ex did. She pushed the fact i wasn't a rebound

Of course she did. To say that you were a rebound would imply she lied to you, which makes her look worse then you.

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Originally Posted by jamcoll7

and wants to meet up again in a few months when she has her issues sorted. I'm not going to wait for her but if i am single then i will meet her.

I may be way out of line and I apologize in advance if I am, but I think you have a serious co-dependancy issue. This was not a serious relationship and you have been told time and again to stay away and yet you kept going back again and again. You can't find happiness in someone else because then if that someone else goes you are left in the situation you find yourself in. I know it sucks to want someone more then they want you, especially when you thought things were going well, but the most important person here is you, and you are not helping yourself by constantly running back to her.

My initial reaction after reading the "I'm not going to wait for her but if I am single I will meet her" line was "he's going to wait for her." I hope I'm wrong. But I just look at this situation and I think, why would you do that to yourself again? If she can't see you now for how good you are how will she in the future? Furthermore, it just sets you up to be used again down the line, because she feels like she can keep coming back to you after it doesn't work out with someone else.

You've given more then enough to this girl. Give just half of that yourself and build up some confidence and give yourself some time to heal from this temporary emotional set back.