Well to make a long long story semi short the best way I can, I am a 23 yr old woman. I am in love and have been together with a 37 yr old woman. She has kids. One just a few yrs younger than I and one who is turning 16.

When I first came into the "picture" after a friendship with this woman, the abusive father, after 13 yrs of marriage up and left them both. They were alone, and my relationship with "sarah" grew into much more. I got to know "lisa" the daughter very well and Sarah and I started dating. At this time she was turning 13yrs old. Everything was fine. We had fun together went out together.

The father still wished to come around. This man was physically abusive. Both to the child and the mother. Sarah had no wishes of seeing him again but didn't want lisa to go without seeing her dad.
Anyway, Once the father knew what was going on, he took interest in his family again.
My break lines were cut. And Lisa's attitude towards me changed a great deal.

Everything went down hill. We are now living 1500 miles away. And although we miss her, I would like her to come for the summer or at least her birthday, her mother does not. She says every time she's on the phone it causes a problem with the father (as she chose to live with her dad) and they fight then they all get into shouting matches through the phone. A few days ago Lisa told me I am not her mother. She hates my guts and Im a b*itch. Im the cause to all her problems and damn her mother for listening...

But a day later she's begging both her mother and I to take her in again because she hates her father. And that he has done this and done that...

We don't know what to do and are afraid we will all end up in a fight if we take her for her birthday...

What do you think?


Now I am being told by BOTH of them, well ALL three of them I am not a parent I don't know what it feels like to have children...

Does it matter? I don't like being talked to the way lisa does now. And it feels like a lost cause...

You need to stay out of the picture. You aren't a parent anyway so you really can't have any say.
She is saying you aren't her parent because whatever negative stuff she can say to make her case she is going to use.
She is playing them for whichever is convenient for her at the moment. Like dad says she isn't allowed out on Friday night then she turns back to mom. Mom says she has to be in before midnight every night and she can't see this boy she turns back to dad. She is playing them both.
Wash your hands of this and stay away. If you get back into her life and she turns on you again she sounds capable of saying that you sexually abused her or something.

Leave it between them.

By the way it wasn't the daughter who cut my break lines it was the father.
I have been wanting to leave it alone. I have been wanting to wash my hands of her attitude not her... it's hard she's a great kid.

Her mother keeps telling me I can't because she is with me and she should respect me. I'm tired of all of them fighting over B.S. The past gets twisted up and lied about. The whole shebang.

The social worker who came when we were all living together (except the father) didn't say anything when I told her I wasn't playing any type of parental figure or grounding. She did say the father needed therapy and needed to grow up and shut up about his lies.

What do we do about her coming down? Yes... No? Try it again?

How long have you been with Sara. Are the parents divorced? Is there a custody arrangement in place?

I am going to presume that you are a parent here, because it is obvious you have been involved in her care, and helped provide a nurturing, safe environment for her. I will also presume you are in it for the long haul with Sara.

It is unfortunate that the three adults in her life are not on the same page when it comes to the maniupulation by Lisa, as Nohelp has said. Under the absolute best of circumstances your sanity is going to be tested, so this behaviour should be no surprise.

I think it is wrong (just my 2 cents worth here), that Sara allowed her daughter to move in with her ex husband, knowing he is abusive to both of them. Lisa is not a ping-pong ball, and allowing her to live with abuse looming over her head, cannot be easy for her. It sounds like her dad had some say in convincing her to live with him, because of your relationship with Sara.

While I agree that as loving a person as you are, and tolerant, understanding, and accommodating, the day to day custody arrangements, although you should be consulted too, are up to the mother and father.

If she is living in your home, you and Sara will do the parenting, and if it turns out that way, you have a huge task at hand to overcome what Lisa has gone through. If she remains with her father, neither you or Sara can do much of anything.

To me it seems that a decision as to where she is going to live, is not up to Lisa, but has to be decided between the parents. While her parents argue and she's tossed around emotionally, this will never get any better.

Sadly, there is not much you can do except try to encourage Sara to fight for her daughter, and support her that way, if she chooses to. If and when she is able to decide to go for legal custody, be prepared for all the nastiness that will undoubtedly come out, the prejudice, and then the aftermath.

That is more than enough in itself to break up a relationship.

Good luck to you.

I think the best thing for the mother would be to get a court order custody so the daughter can't play one against the other.
Right now the daughter has too much say.

I am really grateful for all the answers so far. No matter what we said or did, Lisa wanted to go with her father. He was giving her everything she wanted, quote "I thought I would have it better with dad" She's admitted this... but then she flips out on us.

I do not understand why someone specially a 36yr old Man would poison his daughters mind so much so that she hates her own mother and I. (even though Yep I know I don't mean Jack to her. "We are not blood" but she has gone as far as to say "You're with my mom so I will call you my step mom!" It's confusing! And trust me my patience, tolerance, and strength All the way around.

Now she wants to either A: Move in with Us. Or B: Stay with Us for the Summer

After 3yrs of dealing with her father and his lies. His manipulation of his kid. Sometimes she comes through but most times not. When I am completely "out of the picture" AKA she doesn't know Im around her mother on the phone or she thinks I have gone shopping, her mother gets hit with "when can I come down? why not? Youre a bad mother! I hate you" the list goes on. Then HE gets on and tries the same B.S. Im tired. Sick of it. I don't know what to do about lisa. She can be a very good kid but HE doesn't grow up.

They are coming down next month and I do not forsee this going good. His WHOLE family is coming down to go to "Disney World" (yeah right) She wants to stay at Our House for a few days. We are 3 hours away from where they will be and where we are living. The last time we tried this she lasted a day and called her father told him to come get her. He was an hour away. But now? What if we let her move in?

No they are not divorced. Legally separated.
He won't file for divorce either. And she wants to but doesn't know where to begin ( I will not push her into it.)
There is too much detail to continue... it just hasn't ended.

Who knows... Despite the fact that we tried to keep her with us she didn't want to and started running away.? Now what? This is just just a huge mess...

The 16 yr old daughter is thinking with her confused out of whack emotions. The father is thinking with spite.