Ask Me Help Desk - How do I ever CHANGE?

I have a problem with insecurity which leads to wrong judgements, jealousy and most of all assumptions. It is so easy for me to be outgoing fun and happy go lucky when other people are aroun and I barely know them. However, problem is my insecurities come out when I am with the most wonderful man in the world who I have been with for quite some time.

I haven't been cheated on before, I come from a good family, I interact great with people and I have no idea where the problem stems from because for the past 6 months I have been like that. My boyfriend is way too nice to put up with it, but it got to the point of us arguying and yelling at each other. For example, I saw on his comp that he watched porn, it bothered me so much I started crying. Its ridiculuous, nothing was bad, it wasn't like a full list of porn just a couple of vids. I shudnt be looking in his comp anyway but I would like to be able to look at it and not have it bother me.

I would like to spend my life with him, he's a great man, he has never cheated on anyone and treats me like a queen. Where do I begin? Because realisty is he is going to leave me sonner or later if I keep going the way I do. It is not fair to him of what I put him through.

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Originally Posted by 18Ahunnie

I have a problem with insecurity which leads to wrong judgements, jealousy and most of all assumptions.

It's a good thing that you recognize your negative behavior.

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It is so easy for me to be outgoing fun and happy go lucky when other people are aroun and I barely know them. However, problem is my insecurities come out when I am with the most wonderful man in the world who I have been with for quite some time.

The reason it is easier for you to be outgoing, fun, happy with strangers is simply because you really have no emotional ties to them as you do with your boyfriend.

Did you start your relationship with these insecurities or was it a gradual process? Do you have any idea what "triggered" these feelings to start? Did you hear about his past girlfriend he was madly in love with or something of the sort?

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I haven't been cheated on before, I come from a good family, I interact great with people and I have no idea where the problem stems from because for the past 6 months I have been like that. My boyfriend is way too nice to put up with it, but it got to the point of us arguying and yelling at each other.

Instead of arguing and yelling why not try sitting down and talking. Express how you feel to your boyfriend and come up with solutions together.

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For example, I saw on his comp that he watched porn, it bothered me so much I started crying. Its ridiculuous, nothing was bad, it wasn't like a full list of porn just a couple of vids. I shudnt be looking in his comp anyway but I would like to be able to look at it and not have it bother me.

Have you always been sensitive with your boyfriends viewing porn? What is it that bothers you about it? Do you feel inadequate or do you feel like it's cheating?

I believe the only time porn becomes a problem in the relationship is when porn becomes number 1 and becomes an addiction. If this is the case I can see why you have negative feelings towards porn.

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I would like to spend my life with him, he's a great man, he has never cheated on anyone and treats me like a queen. Where do I begin? Because realisty is he is going to leave me sonner or later if I keep going the way I do. It is not fair to him of what I put him through.

To be honest there is no easy way to change, there is no short cut.

What you can do is talk to your boyfriend, tell him how you feel and how certain actions make you feel. If you can recall an event when you've felt at your worst tell him so. Be open and honest. Give him the chance to do so as well. Come up with compromises. For example, if you don't like him going out to the bar, "let him" go at least once a week with his friends and you do the same that night with your friends.

Hope I helped.

Sarah

Sarah is right - there is no easy way to change. But you must look at yourself and examine what has created this situation.

You're aware that you're behaving badly and even irrationally. I would look at what happened 6 months ago that triggered this behavior. Where does this insecurity stem from? Was it an event? Was it a feeling? Was it something that someone said?

It's great that you understand that this behavior is unsustainable, but in order to shift it, you must do some self reflection. There is always a reason, these things don't come out of the blue, and you need to do the work to find it.

Speak to your family and friends that know you well and see if they can help you understand it, otherwise I suggest speaking to a professional counsellor.

Best to nip this behavior in the bud before you lose the people that you love.

I read your post and I can see myself to a certain extend.

When entering the relationship, I was a self-confident and strong person with values, aims, goals and great personality.

I also interact very well with strangers, but as soon as I moved in my ex, we got into trouble. She couldn't handle my lifestyle properly, I was a bit insecure because I moved to her country and needed to settle in. She has some quirks about chores and stuff and told me what she thinks is wrong. I always just swallowed and adpated. I never stood up for myself and told her what I need, what I expect of her, what I'd like her to do. It was a one-way-communication to some degree and this is tiring.

Aditionally I made myself emotionally dependent on her, bent over for her and completely forgot about myself. I tried to become the man of her dreams and didn't ask her much. I loved her unconditionally.

I was never able to speak about my issues, because I was afraid to scare her away.

It all ended up in a break-up after 3 1/2 years. In the end I was in a very depressive stage where I couldn't do anything anymore. We lived together and she always tried pushing me to do stuff. I was weak, I was aimless, I was motivationless and she developed that picture of me.

Even though she confronted me with all the things, I never was able to open up to her... and that was the wrong thing. A partnership stands and falls with communication and compromises. We made compromises, but I never told her what I think, what I like, never criticised her at all. She was my dream woman that I put on a foundaton to adore and I made myself small in the process...

DON'T DO THE SAME MISTAKE... don't allow yourself to lose yourself or become dependent on him. In the end he might break up and you'll be left in pieces... just like I am.

Slowly I'm getting better, but it'll take a long time. She was the woman of my dreams and I wanted to spend my life with her... I wanted to play the game of love but didn't follow the rules... so I got kicked out...

I will learn from that... start to love myself again and avoid the mistakes I made this time...

Fear is the root of your insecurity and being cheated on in the past has you seeing things in your boyfriend that you found in your ex, which is probably why you feel threatened by porn. Your ex cheated because he is a dog, and you took it personally, like there was something wrong with you.

His actions are a reflection of him not you, and you must realize that, and leave that in the past.

You also must make the efforts to tell him this, and let him know your working on your issues by fighting the impulse to argue and above all think before you speak or react.

You've been given good advice, especially about getting yourself esteem back by good behavior despite your impulses, and achieving small goals that you can succeed at, and makes you happy outside of the relationship. This will help you be happy with yourself, and love yourself, so you won't be disappointed when your boyfriend wants space to enjoy himself. That's not a knock on you, nor should you take it as one, and you won't be threatened by the porn.

When you can talk without arguing you can communicate and work together, when you both happy with who you are.

Start now to build a life that you enjoy outside the relationship so you can have something to share with your boyfriend.

Think, before you speak.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Think, before you speak.

I have to second Tal on this one big time...

Think before you speak and act. I never allowed myself to think and reflect on the partnership, my behaviour and my inability of communicating, fight and knowing that from a fight, we can both learn and grow, we can make a big thing out of this.

I was like a child in that stage and growing up now now.

I never argued about stuff and wanted her to adapt or compromise. In the end all I did was reacting to her quirks by acting and cutting out communication. You need to open up to your boyfriend otherwise we won't be able to read in your book. And if you can't read in a book, you lose interest and turn to another book...

Become an open book for your partner and maybe even enjoy reading in it together :-) and be grateful for the wonderful story about yourself that is written there ;-)...