Can a controlling spouse really change, is it worth going to counseling or should I just give up?? :(


She refuses to let me have any control over our joint bank account, she freaks out when I go over to a friends or family members house, she insists on having a joint email account. She will get mad and tell me I can't take either of the cars. I am always broke and in my opinion she wants me that way because she thinks if I am broke it would be harder to cheat on her! I feel like a child not a husband, but I feel if I try to take my life back she will end it and I love her very much.


She threw such a big fit when I demanded to have my atm card that I shredded it


Anyone have any tips to stop her controlling behavior

So you require her to sit down and look over your bank account,

Have it online so you can look at it anytime you want.. So let her freak out?? Unless you are doing it too often. So take one of the cars??

And you are married, well you will be broke all the time, most liekly even if you are not

You are the problem. Not her. You are enabling her completely unacceptable behaviors.

There may be some nuggets of brilliance in her thinking (no need for separate bank accounts, it IS a problem when finances are separated.) So, look for the things you truly CAN live with and then point out that you will gladly live with them, because you see the benefit and agree.

But then you immediately call the nutcase stuff "nutcase" and stop supporting it. You have to double your efforts in the "I love you" department, but clarify that loving her does not equate to condoning craziness.

"I love you very much, but I do have other friends I'm doing stuff with tomorrow night."

"I love you, but that has nothing to do with this, I'm taking a car tonight to _______-. I'm sorry you beat yourself up on this topic, but I'm going to have to let you work it out. You know I love you, this is going to be your issue, though."

"I love you and I won't leave you. But you can drive me away. You're doing it now. I wish you wouldn't."

"I've decided having cash in my pocket isn't a sign of disloyalty. OK?

You can't change her, but you can change your reaction to her.

First of all stop arguing with her. By arguing you play into the drama. Decide what you want to do and let her know - "Honey, I'm going out to visit friends', 'Honey, I've organised my own bank account', 'Honey I have my own email address... whatever.

If she freaks out, let her. Don't argue. Just tell her that's what you've decided because you want your independence/space/money. If she goes into a rage, tell her you're going down to the mall, pub, store, park... whatever, and you'll return once she can behave like a reasonable human being.

Absolutely don't enter into discussion with her or be drawn into the drama when she's freaking out. Let her know that you'll discuss it with her once she''s calm. If she freaks out again repeat the sequence until she gets the hint. It will take time and a consistent approach on your part.

I agree with JBeaucaire, don't condone the craziness, the behavior is abusive and controlling and the sooner you change your responses to her the better you will feel.

I find this question interesting because if it were reversed, and it was a man controlling a woman, it would be called abuse.

Is it not abusive to demean, belittle, control a spouse?

This isn't about bank accounts and cars and email. It's about abusive behaviour on the part of the wife.

I would insist on counselling to try to define why she is so insecure. She has a big issue with trust, and another issue with an insatiable desire to control the life of another.

If she will not go (she will realize that it is about her own behaviour, not yours), then you should go to talk to somebody about why you feel the way you do, and find effective ways to steer the relationship back to having a bit of balance.

You are not helpless here, you can help your situation a great deal by recognizing it for what it is, and taking steps to take back yourself esteem, and re-establish some confidence, self-worth, and equality in your marriage.

Joint acct means you can go to the bank and request they show you your acct info.

You have basically these options
1. You live with it as is and don't feed into the drama

2. Tell her that you are the man of the family and tired of her controlling you like a little grade school kid.

3. Demand that she gives you your life by having a 50/50 marriage and tell her otherwise you can't live with her any more.

4, If you are the money earner cut her off until she can come to terms you agree on.

Thank you for all the suggestions guys I appreciate them all!

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Can a controlling spouse really change,

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Yes, but they have to be very STRONGLY motivated to change.

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is it worth going to counseling

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A third party can help you both communicate and work together better.

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or should I just give up?? :(

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If you cannot bring about a more equal relationship, through talking, counseling, or other adjustments, well not much choice but to give up on the relationship, but don't give up on yourself.

You both have a lot to learn about how to work together, through honest communications, and standing up for yourself.

I believe that it is very possible for a controlling person to change. However you are allowing your spouse to be controlling. Put your foot down and tell her that you will not be controlled anymore. Sit down with her and have a serious adult conversation about getting marriage counseling and perhapes individual counseling for you BOTH.

With the right help, she CAN change. My husband was very controlling in our first years of marriage, after some counceling we got to the root of it and found that he was very insecure and afraid of losing me if he didn't control me. Once we got through that barrier, it got much better and he is not controlling any more.


Good luck hon