My husband and I have been married for 4 months now and dated for a year. He has a two year old son, which I have yet to meet the mother. When he mentioned it to her, she said she didn't want to meet me and feared she would say something. Mind you her son is with us every other weekend, every other major holiday, and one month out the summer. She has no idea what type of person I am and has not seen our home. I do not have children; but I have had custody of my niece and nephew in the past, I would never let them stay anywhere with at least seeing where they would lay their head. Some of the decisions she is making effects me and it is starting to enrage me, because my sometimes I have to make arrangements based on decisions that were made by a women I have never meet. I have asked my husband about it and he states my concern should be him and my step son, but I don't think he is putting himself in my shoes or how he would feel if I were the one with the kid. It has gotten to the point where I don't want him speaking to her in my presence or from our home. Any suggestions.

You have to remember that you decided to marry this man. However, this man comes with baggage, i.e. a son. So deal with the whole package. This woman will always be part of his life and the son's life.

Your husband is right, you should only concern yourself with him and his son. If the son's mother doesn't want to see you, then you can't force her. If you didn't want to meet her, I'm sure your husband wouldn't force you to meet her.

Ask yourself what would really change if you met her other than satisfying your curiosity.
Sounds like she already has an attitude that she is not going to take kindly to you anyway.
I would just go on as you have been and see that your husband and step son are priority.

It is her choice not yours. She must assume
1. if he married you, you would be OK

2. from the time that the children are with you, she trusts you from what she can tell is happening.

So what do you want, to all be friends and visit and play cards.

It is too bad that the two women cannot meet. I know I would want to at least see my ex husband's new wife to get a 'feel' about her personality. It would be important to me, that she knows me firsthand, and that she can call me with any concerns etc.

It also puts a wedge between the adults involved here. If the mother has concerns, and won't speak to you, you are getting all your information third hand. If the child complains about the food you cook, or that you disciplined him, or didn't allow him to watch TV because he kicked the dog, your husband will certainly hear about it, putting a wedge between the two of you.

It is in the best interests of the child to know that all adults are on the same page when it comes to important decisions, sheduling, concerns, etc. For the ex wife to have such an attitude will most certainly at some point, be expressed to the child, and that creates a problem for you also.

What may be a good idea is to indirectly contact her via email. After each visit, just send an email with how the weekend went, anything out of the ordinary that happened, the good stuff too. Nothing lengthy, but let her know that you wish to keep her up to date after he has been in your home.

I know I would appreciate that, even if it is a bit of overkill. You will feel better keeping the option of direct communication open with her, you also provide enough information for her to balance that with what her child has told her, and it doesn't put your husband in the middle.

You will play an important part in this child's life. I hope the ex comes around and acts a little more adult-like, and for the sake of her child, puts the negativity and hostility aside, and be civil and polite to you directly.