Sorry guys I'm new here need your help please suggest me something...

We are in relation for about 2 yr,for a year I was out of country , I'm 21 yr old and she is 20 . Earlier there were hardly any fight,argues on something.then after sometime things changed , expectations were there and all that.
Now from a month she is living with her parents, and its not possible to meet her because I'm in other state so we talk on phone.
From my side I always give 100% to make her happy because I love her so much .
When ever she is upset I try to cheer her up, but now sometimes she gets annoyed by my stupid talks or by simple talks,may be she is getting frustrated at home. Or by other problems around her.
She says that all my stupid deeds accumulate and explode like volcano on the whole of my tackling any situation when it comes to her is simply worse.
When ever she feels that she'll get something special from me , I disappoint her :(, from my side I try not to disappoint her,but things mostly go against me.
Now these things are really getting serious but on phone how can I guess that something is wrong with here or she is upset,in starting only it was decided that we won't hide any thing we'll talk it out as we feel for each other. I can't speak out things which are bugging me, I never expect something from her, but she expect from me and she deserves too, its not that I don't fulfill her expectations at times, but I'm not able to :(,she says that she has no one to speak out this frustration so I'm the only one who gets every time the frustration, even I don't mind in helping her , she even know that there are places where she is also faulty and must have hurt me.
Well day before yesterday I couldn't message her for the entire day as she was sick, I thought I'll call her in night and will have a nice and wonderful talk but when I called her she was so angry with me that I could have msgd her single sms . I know its my mistake this time but no need of making it a issue , may be she was annoyed already with something and all frustration again on me... :(.


What should I do? To save my love of life from going away slowly. I can feel that by my stupid mistake I'll going lose her.
Sorry guys for this long explanation

I'm too worried of losing her :( plzzz help me what should I do??

First, STOP!

Think about what you are saying. Pleasing her? It's OK to want to please some one, but that is not what a relationship is about. If she is not happy and can't find a way to cope with it, then you may not, can not, and shall not help her. After all, it wouldn't be her life if you were the one making it for her right?

If she is just going to be angery about your calling her, or "disappointing" her (which is really on her own head, you are doing what you can, and she is too self consumed to see that.) Then let her go. Cold and harsh though it may be, it's really the most considerate thing you can do. On account that she needs to find her self, and so do you, or you'll both be misserable. People who are not happy that get with some one thinking it will make them happy, or any one who thinks that some one makes them happy is displaying a cognitive defficency called "misatribution", which is when some one believes that out side influences are the reason they feel any particular emotion. This is not true however, because we are the ones incontrol of our thoughts, and our thoughts decide our emotions, thus yielding our actions.

Don't be fooled, love can be great, but there are many kinds of love, and what I can tell from what you said here, your love may "feel" super great but that is your brain craving the dopamine released when we are near some one we precive as a love. Your relation ship sounds like a misserable hollow fight for you to please her needs, which is not really responsible on either of your parts.

If that is too harsh, I'm sorry, but as the Def-leppard song goes, "Love bites".

Let go is my advice, or tell her to go to a counselor, same for you.

Peace and kindness.

Thank you for your concern Nestorian I really appreciate that you took time to see my problem. As I said that we won't hide any thing we'll talk it out, but now I think that these small fights are making our relation weak.
Its not that we don't talk there are times when I guide her out from any situation she get stuck .
You I can see that from my side that some times that she can't contact me or answer my phone or we can't talk on phone for days as she is busy with some work, career first. But when it comes to her she can't.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Nestorian

Think about what you are saying. Pleasing her? It's ok to want to please some one, but that is not what a relationship is about. If she is not happy and can't find a way to cope with it, then you may not, can not, and shall not help her. After all, it wouldn't be her life if you were the one making it for her right?

Then let her go.

---

she is happy with me she doesn't say that but I can see that in her eyes when I'm with her.
What I should do then just let her go?
I guess its because we can't spend time right now we can only talk on phone?
Because when she was in a hostel before coming to parents we used to meet every weak.

Or is it because its my first love affair?
Sorry Nestorian if I'm not able to explain my problem, but I'm trying to write it down here.
And again thanks for your time Nestorian!

Hmmm, yes the situation does seem to be more than I can precive at the moment.

I will say that it seems like your GF is focused too much on what she thinks should happen and not paying enough attention to coping/dealing/getting through the issues, and this seems to snow ball in the background until she can't take it and gets angery with any one and every one, especailly you. I'm no counselor but she may be heading for a really rough time.

Letting go can mean many things, if breaking up seems like the best way to allow her to focus her energy on her self again and organize her life again so she can be in a relationship and not allow her other life aspects take over and blind her to the joy she has.

Some times letting go can mean simply letting her deal with her stuff, and trying to focus on the positives, even if it's the positives in your life. You can't stop your life for her, as you are still not living together/married, and even then it is some times healthier to let go then too.

Yes, this may all be due to the whole being in a long distance relation ship. That still doesn't make it OK for her to ignore your feelings about the relationship and what you want out of it, more importantly niether should you.

Love affair, as in first women you have loved and have been in a relationship with her, or do you mean there is another person in one of your lives?

Peace and kindness be with you.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Nestorian

Love affair, as in first women you have loved and have been in a relationship with her, or do you mean there is another person in one of your lives??

---

Yes she the first women with whom I'm in a relationship and love her too...
And I guess she is going through rough time as you said and she need some one to listen to her,and when she gets time to talk with me and if she can't express then she gets annoyed and all frustration on me , then she says everything wch comes in her mind, wch she doesn't want to say in dreams too... and then my small mistakes are highlighted and then boooom.
I guess then its on me, when she needs me the most I shuld be there not standng far away and just letting her go .
I guess I'm right this time??

"i guess im right this time ???"-You
Are you?

What she thinks she wants, doesn't necessarrily mean it's what she needs.

You can not Help her if she doesn't help her self, it's unrealistic for her to expect you to just sit and listen to her when ever she is in need, some times we need to learn to cope on our own, before we no longer can manage our lives for ourselves. She would be best to talk to a counsellor, or something to help her learn stress management, relatiation techniques, and general life coping skills.

"Generate compassion for lowly beings, and especially avoid despising or humiliating them. Do not be jealous of the good qualities of others, but out of admiration adapt them for yourself. Do not look for faults in others, but look for faults in yourself and perg them like bad blood. Since you can not tame the minds of others, until you have tamed your own, begin by taming your own mind. No one saves us but our selves, no one can and no one may. We our selves must walk the path."-Buddha

"Pay no attention to the faults of others, things done or left undone by others. Consider only by what one's self is done or is left undone."- Buddha

"Believe nothing no matter where you read it, no matter who said it, no matter if I said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and common sense."-Buddha

Peace and kindness be with you.

Its not all just you who are responsible for how this relationship goes, she bears some of it with you. I see this as to one sided to work, simply because she expects things from you, and you don't expect anything from her. Maybe time, and distance makes this hard so check these sights and see if they help, and give us some feedback.

Surviving a Long-Distance Relationship

Long Distance Relationship Advice | The Frisky

Tell her what you expect from her, as all give, and nothing in return, never works in a healthy relationship.

You have been a relationship with this girl for 2 years and 1 year you were out of the country and you two live in two different states?
As I see it you two don't know each other well enough nor have you spent enough time with each other to have a relationship.
Sounds like a lot of frustration and her putting you down and you just letting her do it.
This is a relationship going south. Get out of it before your esteem goes all the way down the toilet.

If she can't be straightforward and tell you what she wants and expects then you shouldn't have to play guessing games. You should not be going out of your way to please her only for her to complain that you aren't living up to her expectations.

She sounds like she is rather self centered and you sound a bit needy in that you desperately try to please her.

Find somebody that appreciates you.

Emotional abuse is when someone threatens or humiliates you. This includes calling you names, putting you down, insulting you, or breaking your things. Control is a huge part of emotional abuse and involves chronic anger, jealousy, accusations, and distrust. This type of abuse is the hardest to spot because the injuries aren't physical or immediately visible. Emotional abuse can be mistaken for passionate or intense love. Abusive relationships don't always involve physical violence.

11 warning signs of emotional abuse:
Constant phone calls, text-messages, e-mails, IMs, etc. to check up on you (harrassment)
Extreme jealousy when you talk to or spend time with other people
Name-calling or putting you down, either when you're alone or with other people.
Behavior that you have to apologize or make excuses for.
Statements like, "I can't live without you. If you leave me, I'll kill myself."
You feel depressed, anxious, and unhappy in your relationship.
You're scared to upset or make your partner angry.
You've seen your partner hurt or talk down to other people.
You're down on yourself, or even hate yourself, especially when you're together.
You lie about the bruises or cuts you have.
You don't spend as much time with your friends, and you feel isolated.


Read more: 4 Different Types of Abuse: How to Recognize Abusive Relationships | Suite101.com

P.S. not all abusers.. actually many abusers are unaware of their abusing others. Especailly when it's emotional, as they are just trying so desperately to achieve their goals, whether it's control or fullfilling of their own needs, that they are blind to the effects of their behaviour.

Personally, as I've said to many before, the best way to work through such things is on your own. Love, forgive, respect, know, and BE yourself. We can't really say we are adults when we simply choose not to take responsibility for ourselves.

They may not all be aware they are abusers but that is why IMO their behaviour should not be tolerated. They need to be told it sucks. They will either up and change look for another victim or be alone.

I'm of the thought that pushy rude controlling people know they are and have gotten away with it for far too long and so they continue to do it. They love it when people cower.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

They may not all be aware they are abusers but that is why IMO their behaviour should not be tolerated. They need to be told it sucks. They will either up and change look for another victim or be alone.

I'm of the thought that pushy rude controlling people know they are and have gotten away with it for far too long and so they continue to do it. They love it when people cower.

---

Some do, I guess it's best just to tell them how you feel, and that it's not healthy and you won't put up with being brought down by them. Taking responsibility for your emotions is a hard thing to do, but it often yeilds great benafits.

This is true!
That is why honest reciprocal communication is so important in a relationship.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Nestorian

"i guess im right this time ???"-You
Are you?

What she thinks she wants, doens't necessarrily mean it's what she needs.

You can not Help her if she doesn't help her self, it's unrealistic for her to expect you to just sit and listen to her when ever she is in need, some times we need to learn to cope on our own, before we no longer can manage our lives for our selves. She would be best to talk to a counsellor, or something to help her learn stress managment, relatiation techniques, and general life coping skills.

---

Well I guess yes she has to help her self first.
Thanxz Nestorian

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by talaniman

Surviving a Long-Distance Relationship

Long Distance Relationship Advice | The Frisky

---

Thanxz talaniman this really helped me... :)

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

You have been a relationship with this girl for 2 years and 1 year you were out of the country and you two live in two different states?
As I see it you two don't know each other well enough nor have you spent enough time with each other to have a relationship.
Sounds like a lot of frustration and her putting you down and you just letting her do it.
This is a relationship going south. Get out of it before your esteem goes all the way down the toilet.

---

I apreciate for your concern Homergirl
I know her from more then 2 yrs, but when we started our relation I had to go for my training . So its like 2 months than a year away but was in contact via phone. Then I came back and was in the same state and we used to meet every 4 or 6th day. Now she is going through rough time and this time she has to fight.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by N0help4u

If she can't be straightforward and tell you what she wants and expects then you shouldn't have to play guessing games. You should not be going out of your way to please her only for her to complain that you aren't living up to her expectations.

She sounds like she is rather self centered and you sound a bit needy in that you desperately try to please her.

Find somebody that appreciates you.

---

N0help4u thank you for the time... :)

You know I told her same thing that if I don't stand up to your expectations then you shuld tell me rather then w8ing for me to do it, this will just make you more frustrated.

Seriously she has to change herself ,

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by fanko

i apreciate for your concern Homergirl
i know her from more then 2 yrs, but when we started our relation i had to go for my training . so its like 2 months than a year away but was in contact via phone. then i came back and was in the same state and we used to meet every 4 or 6th day. now she is going thru rough time and this time she has to fight.

---

Don't let her tear you down like that. It is rude and you should not put up with it. Leave her alone, that is the best thing you can do for her. Let her know why you're leaving her. Give her something to think about.

Even the best, most mature relationships, suffer greatly from distance, and time apart. Especially where there are no goals, or future plans, to be together. That's just too much stress to have with, or without good communications. Anyone would be frustrated without a goal to work toward. Recognize that frustration, as I think she may be tired of the distance, and a better plan will be needed.

How long is this distance stuff supposed to last?