Ask Me Help Desk - My sex drive is long gone.

I'm 26 and I've been with my boyfriend for over two years. I'm totally attracted to him... and we used to have sex all the time. Now it's hardly ever... maybe twice a month. I just have no drive... he's not very affectionate because he feels rejected by me. I think the big problem is just that when we do have sex it hurts every single time. Not to be graphic, but he's very... uh... well endowed... and I'm a bit on the smaller side... there. So if he goes in too deep, it hurts. Just the width of it hurts. And I know that vagina's can stretch to accommodate (I had a baby, believe me, I know) and we use tons of lube, but it still hurts.

I don't know if there's anything I can take to increase moisture there, or make it more comfortable. But its like every time we are going to have sex its like oh boy, here we go again. I don't even masturbate anymore or feel sexual at all. What can I do? And I'm not on any medications or anything...

And all of my exams and everything have come back normal.

My doctor just says use more lube... but I do that and it only helps for a minute or so.

Maybe your doctor stiched you up tighter then you used to be. You didn't say if it hurted inside or outside just that the width hurted. They also have a numbing spary to help men who are too fast during sex, look foe some of that at a sex store it should be OK for you to. As long as its on the outside. It's a small spry can a little bigger then chapstick. Not expensive either.

Firstly, change doctors. You need to know what's causing the pain and the doctor needs to be thorough, not just brush you off.

If the pain happens when there is deep penetration, then perhaps your cervix is sensitive for some reason. Get it checked out. I have also had this problem and found that my cervix and the top of the vagina were much more sensitive when I was ovulating.

Secondly, does it help if you try a different position where the penetration isn't so deep? I have found that lying side by side helps a lot. Are you producing enough of your own lubrication? Try a different lube - there are some that you can get some adult stores that are water based and really sticky. I found that these really helped.

Are you on the pill? Being on the pill can sometimes reduce the amount of lubrication you produce, significantly reduce your libido and make your vaginal walls sensitive. I was reading an article in the paper recently about research which showed that this is quite a common side effect of the contraceptive pill for a significant proportion of women.

Finally talk to you BF about it. It sounds as if this is a recent development. There are things you can do to have fun, which will still get you both excited and you don't have to feel apprehensive about having sex and he doesn't have to feel rejected.

Gem's advice is spot on. Along with that, you can also change the game. You and your hubby need to start playing again.

Forbid yourselves from having any traditional sex for a specified time. Instead, make oral play OK, anal as well, toys, hands, feet, weird costumes, machines, chickens and goats, anything but the usual penetration and humping. Do this until you both can get off without the usual pattern. Play, explore, and enjoy discovering the edges of your sensuality. Be naughty, and don't put expectations on each other or yourselves.

This means that you will talk and decide together that you will solve this, sharing the same strategy, and doing it as a game. And alone, you need to rekindle your sex drive. Make a purposeful effort for several weeks to find a way to climax without pain. You can make the decision to wake up that part of your life and succeed.

Get his hands on you again. You might be scared of vaginal sex right now, but you still care for him. Show it. Cultivate affection by expressing it.

Last, the pain might not be associated with lubricant or vaginal/pelvic size. It might come from muscle constriction in your pelvis. You might explore the possibility that you have developed a loop: original pain produces fear that makes tightness that makes more pain, etc. Find out.

Tao

I think you make a really good point. It hurts on the inside from the width, and the deep penetration hurts (when he even touches my cervix its just unreal it hurts so bad) so now when we have sex I am so prepared for it to hurt that I get all clenched up and he even has problems... getting in. we try some different position that allow for a more shallow penetration but that leave him really wanting more... feeling kind of unsatisfied because he can't go in all the way then.

Quote:

Originally Posted by 503person

I think you make a really good point. It hurts on the inside from the width, and the deep penetration hurts (when he even touches my cervix its just unreal it hurts so bad) so now when we have sex I am so prepared for it to hurt that I get all clenched up and he even has problems...getting in. we try some different position that allow for a more shallow penetration but that leave him really wanting more....feeling kind of unsatisfied because he can't go in all the way then.

What you can do, to satisfy him because he can't go all the way in, is hold your hand around the base of his penis when he's inside you and at the point of ejaculating. That way he can thrust through your hand into your vagina and it becomes like an extension of your vagina. It's slightly awkward, but will stop that deep penetration that hurts you.

At this stage, until you figure out what's happening, he needs to compromise for a while.

Quote:

Originally Posted by 503person

I think you make a really good point. It hurts on the inside from the width, and the deep penetration hurts (when he even touches my cervix its just unreal it hurts so bad) so now when we have sex I am so prepared for it to hurt that I get all clenched up and he even has problems...getting in. we try some different position that allow for a more shallow penetration but that leave him really wanting more....feeling kind of unsatisfied because he can't go in all the way then.

Keep this man's wiener away from your vagina! At least until you can figure this out. Rule of thumb: If it hurts even a little, don't do it; don't even come close.

Is your cervix inflamed? Does it hurt when you touch it or just when he does? What do you mean by "touch." You need to know what is going on. Is it skin or muscle or connective tissue or nerve endings where the pain originates? If you don't have pain when you masturbate, how do you interpret that?

While sorting through the possibilities, if your immediate goal is to get off without any pain at all, you can start thinking about how you want to reawaken your enjoyment of sex. Make pleasure and play be part of the project, the central part.

I'm presuming that you and he have heard each other out and agree to work together solving this. IF not, talk. Tell him exactly what you go through and let him know that you intend to have a great sex life with him, that you need his cooperation and creativity, and that you want him to be sexually and romantically fulfilled with you.

Just keep it at a distance for a while. A good relationship can handle that. Get back to teasing and flirting, and find ways for you both to have your climax. Without intercourse. For a while.

Also, get to another doc asap, one who can give you an accurate diagnosis.

Tao