My fiancé is not sexually attracted to me. I am blonde and fair skinned. He has, since we got together 2 years ago, gone ON AND ON about latina and italian women. He is my first sexually and emotionally. I would still be passionatly in love with him today if he had not beaten down my self-esteem for all this time. The only way he said he will ever be turned on by "me" is if there is another girl involved. ANOTHER BLOW TO Myself ESTEEM. I feel pissed about this but with so much time and sacrifice invested should I consider making this last ditch attempt at "making him happy?" should I just pick up and leave. Or suck it up and do what profits ME the most and finish my education first (with him paying if you catch my drift). Trust me, that thought makes me feel worse than anything but the sacrifices I have made since getting with him include quitting my job, alienating myself from my family, and having no means to support my education if I was left to myself.
PLEASE OFFER ANY ADVICE!

You said it: you are being beaten down. Why continue with this? He's trying to manipulate you into a three-way and he's eroding your self-esteem.

You deserve so much more than this. Kick this abusive jerk to the curb. You don't need "feedback" like this.

Our lover is supposed to mirror back to us our positive qualities and what they cherish about us. This is not it.

Why did he go out with you AND get engaged to you if he found you so unattractive? He's just holding you hostage as his whipping post.

Get out. Before there's nothing left of you!

Honestly it sounds like there is a lot more issues here besides just sex. If your unhappy and you feel like you do not have a relationship with this person. Why continue it? Your questioning it a lot. Your not happy. Of course, I am just going by what you gave in your post. It is not just about the sex. It is about feeling alienated from your family and friends. It sounds like you need to do what is best for you. What is more important to you? Money or being happy in life? Being happy because your happy for who you are yourself. By doing things that are important for your well being. For example: Education.

I agree and this situation makes me feel like a whore when it comes down to it. Above HIM comes my education... but can I make this happen? I am maxed out on student loans but not above living from my jeep, showering at the gym etc. I just need tuition money and financial aide does NOT fully cover this. Any insight can't hurt.

Why are you still with this guy and taking his crap? You shouldn't even be engaged to him.

This isn't love! Love isn't about belittling your partner and making them feel bad--it's the other way around.

If loves other types of females and throws it in your face then why in the world is he with you?

For your own sanity leave! Break free from his strings of putdowns and verbual/emotional abuse. You owe it to yourself. Don't stay another down nor allow this anymore.

Leave him... leave him now. He'll just beat you down until you can't even remember who you are. I left my boyfriend in the middle of college... I moved out, worked two jobs, went to school full time, and raised my kids. I'm glad everyday that I did it. You can do it, too. Don't use him just to pay for school, that makes you a you-know-what, and you're not that.

Keep your face to the sunshine, and you will not see the shadows.

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Originally Posted by ehart6020

i agree and this situation makes me feel like a whore when it comes down to it. Above HIM comes my education...but can I make this happen? I am maxed out on student loans but not above living from my jeep, showering at the gym etc. I just need tuition money and financial aide does NOT fully cover this. any insight can't hurt.

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Maybe you could go to a cheaper school. I went to an unversity then switch to a community college at one time just to save money.

Do you have any kids? If not, then get a job, two if you have too. There are a lot of odds jobs out there--tutoring comes to mind. Can you get a job at the college you attend?

Staying with guy and taking his crap shouldn't be your only options and maybe you should talk to your fiancial aid counselor to look for other options--if you haven't already done so.

This is what they call an emotionally abusive relationship. The longer you stay, the less energy you'll have to focus on school, as you will be deffending yourself esteem and thus using your energy on pointless and painful endeavors.

You sound misserable and rightly so. Do you really want to put yourself through all that drama and suffering for schooling? I know it may take longer but why not try getting a job, and getting intouch with your family, then focus on schooling again? It may take longer, but you may find that you are more saticfied with yourself, and confident because you did it by your self, but not a lone, for your self.
“Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will.”
Mahatma Gandhi

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”
Mahatma Gandhi

“Be not ashamed of mistakes and thus make them crimes.”
Confucius

“Everything has its beauty but not everyone sees it.”
Confucius

“It does not matter how slowly you go so long as you do not stop.”
Confucius
“Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in getting up every time we do.”
Confucius

“Respect yourself and others will respect you.”
Confucius

“Losing an illusion makes you wiser than finding a truth.” ~Ludwig Börne

“Sometimes it's necessary to go a long distance out of the way in order to come back a short distance correctly.” ~Edward Albee

“When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.”
Helen Keller quotes

Peace and kindness be with you.

P.S. Ask yourself, what are you, and do you honor yourself?

I really am beginning to understand that I cannot respect myself if I stay in this stituation. And how could any other future mate for that matter. The most emotional pain I am actually feeling at this point is that I am not good enough for a new guy because I have put up with this for so long. I was raised to get married before sex and maybe this is why that would have been a good idea. I am glad I have come to this conclusion as, otherwise, this advice would just bounce off me, you know? Actually, this is bad too, my fiancés BEST FRIEND was the person who helped me realize (since last october) that my situation was not right (thank goodness he lives several states away or id be REALLY confused) but all the same. I really appreciate all incoming advice and now just need to determine the best way to go about this. (His dad just died, he has no other family, and his incompetent younger brother is livng with us). He will have even more on his plate when I make my exit but... I can't keep this up. I don't want to either.

“Losing an illusion makes you wiser than finding a truth.” ~Ludwig Börne
I really like that quote. I must say that is the hardest lesson I have learned. At least I have learned something.

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Originally Posted by ehart6020

“Losing an illusion makes you wiser than finding a truth.” ~Ludwig Börne
I really like that quote. I must say that is the hardest lesson I have learned. At least I have learned something.

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If it wasn't a challenge it wouldn't be worth learning, or more importantly it wouldn't be worth remembering.

"How can you know your soul mate/true Lover/Lover if you don't know yourself?"-Nestorain

Learn to love yourself, forgive yourself, respect yourself, know yourself, ultimately achieving the state of BEING yourself.

Look for any Agencies, or support groups, and organizations that can help you. "Never be too proud to accept help when it's offered, instead just say thank you for your help; as it is better to be greatful and respectful, than proud and rude."
If there is an Elizebeth Fry Society where you live try talking to them, if not keep looking for other places, in the phone book, word of mouth, T.V. Radio, Internet, and such. Just try calling the radio station and asking for the number to an Agency that helps women in abusive ralationships, as your situation may seem like a mild or insignificant event, I asure you any one who tells you such is not trained/knowledgable enough to bother listening to any way. So find some where that can help you, even try your doctor.

Good luck.

P.S. I may not be a counselor, but I do work for an agency (Elizebeth Fry Society) as a volunteer and have learned a lot about spousal abuse. Mostly for when men abuse women as it is intended for women, but it can be universal. I am apart of the victim services department at the court house, and see similar situations quit often, and yes, one of the greatest hurtals is realizing there is a problem with how you are being treated. (So, give yourself a pat on the back for that, as I am a firm believer in the cellibration of successes.) If you want any info, I can send you some. Just let me know.

You have to leave him, there's no question. He says this stuff because he knows you'll let him get away with it, as you already have for two years straight. Most guys wouldn't dream of saying this to their girlfriends, but those guys actually respect their girlfriends.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by ehart6020

... the sacrifices I have made since getting with him include quitting my job, alienating myself from my family, and having no means to support my education if I was left to myself.
PLEASE OFFER ANY ADVICE!

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Did you do these voluntarily?

Is it really going to make you feel good in the end staying with him so he can pay your education? Think of how proud you will feel leaving him and doing it all on your own. Sure it's a struggle, but you will then have broad shoulders and you can hold your head up high. You will feel better about yourself seeing you did it with out him. Which will also help you get back that self esteem he stole from you.

As far as another woman in the bedroom. Don't do it. That's his way of having another woman.

Stay you will continue to be beat down and under his influence which doesn't do you, your hopes and dreams any good. Leave and you may have to struggling and work very hard, but you can build the life that you enjoy, that brings you happiness.

In simple terms, your choice is very clear, cut your losses, and do for yourself, because he ain't, and that's a fact.

You don't have to live in a jeep, they have shelters with all kinds of help for the struggling person. Yes you are being abused. Check it out.

Oh, you don't have sex issues, he does! Your only problem with sex, is that he is your partner.

Another option I just thought was talk to your college. The college I went to would let you work on campus and it was towards your tuition.

I couldn't agree more with everyone. Don't waste anymore time with this jerk. Even if you do have to take some time off school, it's got to be worth being happy. You never know, you might even meet someone that will help you out with your school and love you at the same time, but first things first, ditch this guy.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Stay you will continue to be beat down and under his influence which doesn't do you, your hopes and dreams any good. Leave and you may have to struggling and work very hard, but you can build the life that you enjoy, that brings you happiness.

In simple terms, your choice is very clear, cut your losses, and do for yourself, because he ain't, and thats a fact.

You don't have to live in a jeep, they have shelters with all kinds of help for the struggling person. Yes you are being abused. Check it out.

Oh, you don't have sex issues, he does! Your only problem with sex, is that he is your partner.

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I totally forgot to mention the whole sex thing. Deffinately listen to what Talaniman said, on that.