Hello,

I think the best way of describing my life right now as compared to a year ago is 'destroyed'. At least that's how I feel.

A year ago I was relatively happy - moved into a nice new flat with my girlfriend and had gotten myself a great well-paid job. I'd only just brought myself out of some financial hardship so things seemed too good to be true.

Then in August it happened - I suddenly got sick. A set of strange symptoms from headaches to dizziness, extreme tiredness and just generally feeling terrible.

I started to miss work because I was so ill. Every single day I felt awful. I went to the doctor and got myself admitted to hospital for tests. I have had so many tests I have lost count and now and 10 months later I am still having them (just had my third brainscan last week). The doctors (2 neurologists, 2 cardiologists and my GP) still don't know what it is. The word Anxiety has been thrown around a bit but I am really really not convinced this the cause of this is a psychological problem - I mean it just doesn't fit.

Missing so much work as a freelancer ended up with me losing the contract so from December I was jobless. Not that I really could have done anything to protest as I was practically bed-bound by then. 'Still at least I have my girlfriend' I thought. Yep, you guessed it - then she left me. In March it happened. She's Thai and went back home as her parents insisted she mustn't stick with me as the future prospects of her being with someone with an illness didn't wash with them. As a devoted daughter she protested slightly but was quickly brought round to their way of thinking.

I am now in a small studio flat as I couldn't afford the last one and living off savings while waiting for the next lot of hospital appointments. Still don't know what's wrong with me. I manage to do a little exercise when I get moments where I feel a bit better but never feel well enough to do enough to really get fit. My solid friend-base seems to have washed away a bit - there are only 2 or 3 who will give me enough time of day to chat. It seems that the rest just can't deal with what's happened to me. My relationship with my parents has actually become strained too. I think it's just all of our frustration with this - especially not even knowing what it is.

I'm 38 and years ago I thought my late thirties would be a prime stage in my life. But now I just feel as if all my shots in life at doing good have been destroyed. I know and hope that if I can get well from this debilitating condition that I could start rebuilding things but the problem is that any hope I did have is now turning into depression. I seem to find myself crying at some point every day.

I know this isn't anywhere near the worst of stories but it has and is really affecting me. I miss my ex incredibly. She was a really wonderful person and I was planning to ask her to marry me this year but my illness got in the way.

So yes - I do feel like I am stuck in a maze because there are so many things that have been broken in my life. If it was just losing my girlfriend I could be out with friends and meeting new people or I'd have my job to focus on. There are just too many things that have gone wrong now I'm not sure where to turn.


Thanks - sorry it was a long post.

Right now the best thing you can do is look at anything and everything you have going for you. Then figure out where you picture yourself where you want to be in a year from now and five years from now. Then figure out with what resources and positive things you have right now what will it take to get from this point to that point and start working at it.
Like I know so many people, myself included, that hates where they are then you just get caught up in living where you are and don't try to work your way out.
Like my neighbor hates where he lives, doesn't have a car, wants changes. He got $7,000. And gave it to his girlfriend to blow on furniture and toys for her kids. I have seen others blow their money on eating out every night. Then these people wonder why they are still in their same circumstances in 5 and 10 years later.

I am slowly going down that same path. I'm a freelancer and scrambling for any job I can find. My finances are at zero, and get so worried that sometimes I forget to eat and drink. Many of my ailments are related being dehydrated and malnurished. My blessing in life has been my boyfriend. He can't make my financial situation disappear, but he makes sure I'm eating regularly, and that takes care of some of my problems. I've also borrowed money from family with a promise to repay when I'm back on my feet.
So I'd say take care of one issue at a time, and don't be embarrassed to ask for help.

Wow sounds like this is really bad :( Im only 19 but I think I can help you remind me a bit of my dad only he was an your actually a good person with an illness that's holding you back what to do? Pray I know it might sound weird but it'll help you to relax and put things into perspective. Keep exercising if it makes you feel healthier and keep being positive. I too lost a girlfriend still at least be friends with her and call her although she left which is wrong ull feel better just knowing you can hear from her it doesn't have to be intimate. Also join some groups or volunteer man get out there meet people it'll be a big help if you need to find work my friend just stay focused OK ull be all right.