I'm newly divorced and haven't really been interested in any of the guys that have approached me. However, I went to a party a couple of months ago and saw this guy. We barely spoke but I couldn't get him out of my mind. A week ago my friend had a small get together and told this guy to come over because I was asking about him. He remembered me and had thought of me as well. We hit it off and spent the night together.. no sex... just heavy making out. Anyway we texted all day long and finally spoke on the phone for 5 hours. This happened everyday. There was never a lag in conversation and he couldn't believe how long our conversations were... and we never wanted to get off the phone but had to because of work. He would tell me how interested he was in me, how intriguing he thought I was, and how he loved speaking to me. I never knew I could mesh so well with someone... the chemistry was great.

So we went out the other night. I haven't dated in so long. After being in a troublesome marriage for so long, I forgot how to. He asked me what I wanted to do and I said, "I don't know". Having to think of something made me feel uncomfortable. I wasn't sure to suggest the mundane tasks of dinner or dinner and a movie, or trying to sound exciting. He finally suggested some things to do which put me at ease. We both seemed to be having a great time... holding hands... kissing. Once again we spent the night making out... no sex. Every time I would move away from him he would grab me back to hug me and kiss me. He snuggled me all night long and wouldn't let me get away. It was wonderful to be held like that again. We slept in late and went out for lunch and then he dropped me back off at home.

Prior to the date his talking pattern with me from the past week was to text me immediately after he dropped me off or after we got off the phone. After hours of talking on the phone, he would text me for several minutes and did the same the prior weekend when he dropped me off back home. But this time... no text. And as the day went on, no contact of any sort. My stomach was rolling so I finally decided to text him and see how his day was going. It took him a while to respond and then when he did it was short and brief... not the same sort of tone as before. Later on in the night he finally did text me and asked me if I had done something that I needed to get done but it was short and not the same sort of tone he had before. My final text was.. "how was your day and did you catch up on any sleep." He didn't respond until the following morning with "just a bit".

I just don't understand what happened. The chemistry was perfect... I haven't been able to talk with someone like that since my first love. He seemed so interested and his actions led me to believe it as well. I keep trying to dissect the date. Was I too quiet? Did I appear boring when I couldn't suggest anything to do? How do you go from talking hours upon hours to nothing within a blink of an eye. I don't think I'm cut out for this dating stuff. It is too complicated and too much of a game. Anyway, does anyone have a clue as to what may have happened? :confused:

Not sure if it was anything you did... us guys are a strange bunch. I would assume he is afraid to commit or does not want a relationship right now. I exhibit the same behavior he does at times. You like someone, but if they become too available or seemingly attached it starts to scare you away. It is almost like a game, so to speak, where as we take it as far as we can to see if it is possible, but once we have our answer, we back out very slowly (or extremely fast). I may be wrong, and it is just something I do, so I of course don't know what he is up to...

Perhaps the best thing to do is just ask him. It beats waiting, wondering and guessing. Just ask him where the two of you stand.

Look.. I can only go on what you wrote- but it appears the guy is into you and vice versa. You and him both feel a nice connection, and enjoy your conversations/time together. It seems the "issue" came up in your head when his patterns changed. Don't look too into it. From a guys point of view - I'm 31 btw- I don't want to keep any of my patterns the same when I initially meet a girl. Look what happened to you when he changed things up a bit- you're stomach turned and you started to be curious. Maybe that is what he was going for. If he lays it all on the line, and is super-straight forward ALL the time.. he may feel he is boring and you may lose interest in him really quickly.

I am the last person to play games, I HATE them. I like being up-front, etc. I met a girl I am VERY into but I am in the same boat as you. I WANT to talk to her/see her all the time.. but I understand that I should just pace myself, and let things happen. I don't want to be available to her ALL the time, and need to have my own life- at LEAST appear to have a busy schedule/doing other things. Do you want a guy that is sitting around waiting for your phone call/txt every minute of the day? I don't want that in a girl for sure. It's not healthy, nor is it exciting.

Relax- your dating, and you sound just like me over-analyzing everything. TRY to have fun, even though it is stressful when you feel like you have a nice new connection with someone and want to keep it going. Go watch "He's just not that into you" NOT because this guy isn't- BUT to remind yourself to just let things happen as they will and not force/anticipate every move :)

Thumper

Thank you kctiger. That makes sense but then opens up a whole can of worms for me. At what point does the playing "hard to get" end? This kind of stuff makes me really scared to even try dating. I don't know if the heartache is worth it. At the same time, I don't want to give up in case the one I'm suppose to be with is out there around the corner. I'd like to get off this roller coaster ride now.
But thank you for your response.

Like Thumper said, just take it day by day and enjoy whatever happens. Patterns will break, on and off, and it is the natural order of life. So, enjoy your life and the rest will take care of itself. It isn't about playing games, it is about staying comfortable with who you are, with, or without him. Take things slow and go from there.

Crazythumper, that makes me smile. My spirits are lifted right now. I needed that.. just hope your right.

You don't say how long you have been newly divorced, but I think you were a bit overwhelmed by the newness of dating, and have done as we all do, get carried away by those intense feelings, you haven't felt in a while, and as they settle you wonder as to how to adjust to the changes you now face.

The emotional dust is settling down, and your moving to the next phase of human interaction, seeing what you have when the physical intensity has gone down, and other areas need to be explored.

You adjust to this by talking more, and being aware that the physical attraction, is but part of a greater attraction that adds to the chemistry.

It just takes more than a new physical attraction, to keep things going, and you both have to make a decision as to what's next.

Either have fun getting to know this stranger, or you will drift apart.

Don't make him the only part of your life your paying attention to, as that's a big mistake on your part.

Do as he is doing, back away a bit so you can think, and not just feel.

Great advice given. I think the excitement is really getting to you and you need to take a step back. Be cool, calm, collective. It is way too soon to get completely wrapped up in this with questions, but I know where you're at. But you have to try to not focus on the things you can't control right now and try not to analyze.

Just keep yourself busy, remember to pull yourself back every time you feel like texting, etc. The more you seemingly "throw" yourself into this from the beginning, the more disastrous it could be. You don't need to jump completely into a pseudo relationship right now because you don't really know him that well.

So just take a step back and focus on getting to know him as an individual. And definitely watch that movie, it's great when it comes to relationships (and somewhat uplifting).

Best of Luck!

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...er-345828.html

Reread your own story for some insights into yourself.

Thank you everyone. I do realize things may be overwhelming. It is hard for me to not want to be with this person when there is such a strong connection. There have been a couple of other guys but I didn't really care what happened. The connections wasn't really there. But once I found this one... I guess it consumed my thoughts and I started expecting things. I will take the advice to back off and see what happens if anything and watch the movie. Thank you for your insight it really helps.

Imlost let me make you laugh a little bit. Here is an example of my current situation, so you don't feel left out.

After 8 months of not touching/hanging out with a single girl after my ex I finally got some girls number/wanted to hang out with her. Well, we went out to eat, came back to my place- played some video games lol and we kissed goodnight when I walked her to her car. I was smiling from ear to ear- and even txt'ed her that a little after she left. All week I wanted to see her again- Why? Because for the first time in a LONG time I felt wanted. Someone else enjoyed my company, and made me feel GOOD about who I was.

- I did not see her again until yesterday (a week later). We had an awesome day together, did a lot of stuff- and again... no sex, no heavy hookup, just kissing, etc. BUT my immediate question/concern is when can I see this girl again. I don't want to go a week at a time, and only talk to her through txt's/emails/a random phone call. Here's the thing though- I also DON'T want to come off TOO needy, TOO available, TOO desperate for her affection. She is very aware that I like her, a lot.. and want to see her again. So I HAVE to leave a bit up to her, to reciprocate those feelings. I WANT her to call ME, and ask to see ME since I initiated the first few 'dates'.. . So as you can see as much as I don't play games- I KNOW there has to be some tit-for tat type of actions lol. And I have over-analyzed every txt from her that it drives me nuts. "I had an awesome time you are so much fun to be with". Does that mean she likes me, does it mean she wants to be my 'friend'," etc... we could do that ALL day to ourselves.. so don't!!!

The way I see it is like this. If you meet someone, and hit it off, and you REALLY both like each other it will work no matter what. If you don't talk for a day or two, they are not going to just write you off that easily. Don't put all your eggs in one basket, but don't go breaking them all either just because things are not as CLEAR as you would like them to be :) I HATE the dating game also, I wish things were as simple as "You're cool, I like being around you, I'm attracted to you, let's have sex, and now lets be in a relationship". But apparently I live in another world!!

Thumper

Thumper, thanks for letting me in on your situation. I understand what you are saying, but up until yesterday it was constant communication. We would talk up to 5 to 6 hours a night only to text for another 10 minutes afterwards. He would tell me how intriguing he thought I was and how interested he is in me. I kept telling myself to back off.. don't expect things... but that is hard when you really like someone. He would text me first thing in the morning... "Good Morning Sunshine". So I'm not sure what I am suppose to think after going out with him the other night (which would have been our second date)... thinking things were going well... only to go on day two now of not hearing from him. How is that possible? I was letting him drive.. I wasn't texting him or calling him because I didn't want to be the psycho girl coming on too strong and appear desperate. So I'm still at a loss. It doesn't make sense going 90 mph to 0mph. But I am thankful how you told me your situation,, it is nice to get to know what a guy thinks and feels.

Here is an update: He has texted me each night so far, but it is not about us but more about how was your day and the weather sort of talk. He hasn't called to talk, just been texting. So I don't know if I have been thrown down to friendship status or what. I really want to ask him what happened but am too scared that asking this sort of question so soon and when the relationship has been so short lived may hurt me more. But I am driving myself crazy. I've been trying really hard to keep myself busy, but I am one that allows my emotions to run my surroundings.. so If I feel down and unsure of things... everything else suffers no matter how much I try to force myself to think differently or push things out of my head.
He has been really trying to develop a relationship with God. So I don't know how much of that has to play in all this. Last night I had texted him around 7 to see how his day had been only to have him text me back 5 hours later. He told me he was at church and had dinner with his brother. And then again, maybe he has lost all interest but because of this new found relationship with God does not want to treat me badly and wants to be just friends. I don't know.. I can't make head or tails of any of this. It's a guessing game... I hate it.

Quote:

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He told me he was at church and had dinner with his brother. And then again, maybe he has lost all interest

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Wow, you took an innocent reasonable explanation, and turned it around into something personal. Not good. You may be busy, but its obvious your life does not have the balance it takes to keep you from over thinking and being insecure. Not knocking being busy, but you also must have outlets for your emotions and feelings that other people bring. That may help you focus on other things besides him, that you enjoy. It can change the perspective of how you see the world, and yourself.

Talaniman, it is obvious I have insecurities. I am not denying that in any way. After having an ex husband who was a serial cheater and a few other incidents of rejection, it is hard not to. What I'm taking personally is how he is communicating with me. It is through texts and no longer phone talk. We had so many long and wonderful conversations together that I can only believe that he has lost interest. The way he is talking to me sounds like the way you would talk to a friend. It is hard for me to back up and believe that the interest is still there at this rate, when just last week this time we were going 90mph. Yes, I am insecure. I am playing the "what did i do wrong", replaying the whole scenario in my head and trying to see if there was any moment that he seemed he was pulling away. I have other outlets that I am trying to pursue and use up my time, but I crave the attention he was giving me and lost as to what happened. Having no closure as to what happened is what is really killing me, because this seems to keep happening to me. I am just really bummed that I finally found someone who I could really carry on fun conversations with, who has morals and a togetherness... and once again I'm hurt without understanding what I did or what happened to make him change his behavioor so quickly.