Ask Me Help Desk - Feel like I'm going mad

This is a long story, please be patient with me. I met my husband 18 years ago. I got pregnant after 2 months into the relationship, he said that we should make a go of it but that if I wanted to then I would have to move to his town 40 miles away, I knew that I'd miss my family but decided it would be best for the baby. Things ticked along OK but it became clear that he resented my family & it became an issue if I wanted to visit them. By the time we had our second child was born, which we planned, I felt incredibly isolated, this led to me being medicated, eventually I was diagnosed with reactive clinical depression, also around this time my parents separated. When my youngest was a year & a half old we got married & then the proverbial really did hit the fan. He was outspoken to me all the time about my family, telling me that they didn't care about me & that they made me do things & argue back with him etc.. Soon after I was given shock therapy under section, he couldn't take time off work so in this instance my family were drafted in to look after me. Unfortunately this therapy didn't do much good. On heavy medication, I fell pregnant. My husband was very unhappy about it & the doctors advised that the baby could have serious health problems due to the medication. Ultimately I felt pressured into having an abortion, soon after I took an overdose. This led to psychiatric counselling where I was abused by the consultant who was later convicted & imprisoned when a former patient came forward. I denied any abuse. Anyway things ticked along, I saw various counsellors, I even got up the courage to ask for relationship counselling which we went to together, this ended when we couldn't afford it any longer but I just felt like he used the sessions to advertise my shortcomings to the counsellor. He would do the talking & it was a one man show. In 2004 I felt that I couldn't carry on any longer, I love my kids very much & chose to ask for a divorce over ending it all. This was a terrible time, he was aggressive & refused to leave the house. None of my family were allowed in & the house was watched by his family. My parents were back together and living in another country so they felt very far away. After the divorce nisi came through my husband came to me in tears, pleading & begging that he loved me. He said that we should have a fresh start, move to where my parents were living, even try for another baby. So we moved countries & things were good for a while. But here I am 4 years later, my kids & I are not allowed an opinion, he is angry all the time & now I cannot even walk around a supermarket with my sister. The other day my daughter told me that when she is old enough to leave home she will not come back to see me as she doesn't want to see what I will become. I don't know what to do. I cannot go through the process of asking for a divorce again, the thought of it scares me witless. I really do feel fit for nothing but the funny farm again. I tell myself that I love him & that I can't be on my own. Help me please.

Quote:

Originally Posted by smag

I can't be on my own.

Telling yourself this will only further your depression and your feelings of inadequacy. Your husband has a problem with control and has been abusing psychologically and emotionally for many years. Continuing to have children, has not (and wouldn't) been the solution. Children don't fix things, they don't make loving couples out of a troubled marriage, they only become innocent bystanders and have the dysfunction of their childhood past on for them to carry through adulthood.

The time for fear and self-pity is not right now. You need counseling and you need to file for divorce, if you do not have the strength to do it for you, then you have to do it for your children. Call your local domestic abuse hotline and start counseling and working on a plan to get out of your dire situation quickly. If you tell where you live we can supply your local shelter or 800 number.

The fact that you are so scared to ask for a divorce is all the more reason to do just that. What an awful situation to be in. I would pack up the kids and get out of there personally. With everything you've been through you shouldn't have to put up with your husband's abuse on top of that, whether it's verbal or physical. Is there anywhere you can go? Maybe stay with your parents?

Be strong you know what the right thing to do is. You can do it. This man sounds like a Master Manipulator, he took you away from the people who made you strong. In my opinion you stop asking him anything and you stop listening to his whining. I think you should just leave, find some protection and then just leave. Worry about the details once you have gotten away and never mind thinking you can't be on your own for heavens sake what are you afraid of. The fact you have survived all these awful ordeals even half sane shows you have inner strength just try to use it.
Be brave

Why did he resent your family. Was it because they could have been responsible or contributing to your mental health issues? What was your life like before you met him.

If I read this right, you actually divorced him once? What country are you in now.

I get the impression that with all that you have been through in a psychiatric sense, so too has your husband, and that is not an easy position to be in. I presume it was him and his family that took care of the children when you were in, under a section, which also implies more to this story in my opinion.

He has been there for you for 18 years, had two children with you, married you, attended counselling with you, you have both had a long difficult road. Yet, you divorced him, got back together again, and are considering divorcing him again.

Why do you feel fit only for 'the funny farm' as you said. Are you taking medication, seeking ongoing help? Is your husband the cause of all of this, and why would you be better off without him considering all the issues, than with him. Your daughter is resentful toward you which is sad, is that also his fault? Is he a good parent?

I don't mean to sound critical here, but everything seems to revolve around you in my opinion. Serious mental health issues affect not only you, but your children and your husband, that fact alone adds tremendous stress to loved ones.

Is it possible to attend counselling again, even if for yourself. I don't know which country you are in, but with your history of illness, maybe it is time for another assessment or evaluation? This is just my opinion of course, based on what information you have provided, but I don't see you as a victim here, so much as a person still struggling, and not getting the support you need, and that may not be so much your husbands fault, but you giving up on yourself.

It would be a shame to see you divorce him again when you are not strong enough to be on your own, IF there is a chance that your marital problems can be worked out. He was willing in the past, maybe he is willing now?