My girlfriend and I have been dating for over 5 years now, I'm 26 and she is 25. We met in college, fell in love, and had a pretty much stress free relationship ever since. We rented an apartment together and have been living with each other for the last year and half. Last week I came home from being out of town for a couple days and I was excited to hang out with her. She didn't seem herself, rather quiet and short with her conversations. I asked her if everything was OK and of course she said everything was fine and not to worry. We watched a couple movies, took a nap together, just hung out. I awoke at about 4AM to her tossing and turning. She said, while it was late, she needed to talk to me. We talked about 2 hours, specifics I don't really recall, but the same key points were coming across. She said she felt unhappy, she's felt this way for a while. She didn't know why really but she couldn't continue her life unhappy. I agreed with her, not that I was unhappy too but rather she can't continue being unhappy. She said that it might be best if she moved out for a bit and stayed at her sisters. I complied and said that I would do whatever I had to do to make sure she was happy again. A couple days passed, we talked briefly at night before we went to bed, but no real serious conversations came up. While it had only been a couple of days, I was struggling to understand where we stood and told her we needed to make some decisions. After a long phone conversation, what was a rather wonderful 5 year relationship seemingly ended. The best part of everything was that it did end well, all things considered. We talked about the happy times we had, the memories we made together. We talked about how we want only the best for each other. No bridges were burned, no aggression was had. Instead we cried together and told each other how much we loved one another.

In terms of us as people, we both grew up with a rather tough childhood. My mother passed away suddenly when I was 19, her parents divorced suddenly when she was in high school. I think because of these incidents, we both had a difficult time committing to a relationship. In fact for both of us this was the only "real" relationship either of us ever had. But these incidents, I think, is what made us compatible. We understood each others fear of commitment and respected the people we've become as a result of our lives. We are so much alike it is scary and I guess part of me felt comfortable that because of this we would be together forever.

I know there are a hundred sob stories out there that start and end the same way. I know that I'm not alone at what I am feeling but I'm just so afraid to let her go. I'm worried that we're getting older (though 26-25 is still pretty young) and we might never get back what we had. I'm really afraid that it is really over. I'm trying to stick with the basics. Eat, drink, and keep busy at work. The worst part though is I see her everywhere, not literally but everything I do makes me think about her. It might sound stupid but I broke down looking at the dryer sheets last night. I couldn't imagine going somewhere as stupid as the laundry mat without her. It is so hard to be alone in a house that was once filled with happy times of both of us.

I'm not sure why I'm posting this story, while I'd love some advice I know there are better places to look for it. Not to offend anyone out there, but obviously your friends and family know better than anyone. I guess it just helped a lot to tell my story and I thank anyone who listened. And maybe if anyone has something similar they might share a word of advice. I love this girl, I always have. Ultimately I just want her to be happy but I would do anything to get her back. I'm willing to sit in therapy together, willing to just give her space, willing to really do anything. The only thing I'm not willing to do is let a wonderful 5 year relationship with the person I have been saving money for to buy a ring, end on a hour phone call. Thank you, really, for letting me sob my sorrows.

Sad story. I know how you feel and I know it is hard. You seem pretty well put together and I think your head is on straight. I think it is over, for now, and I think you know that. My only advice is to trust the people who have always been there for you, and to vent on this website. A site full of people who have gone though what you are now going through, and full of people who have huge hearts. Good luck!

Very sad story indeed... I feel for you. It sounds like you might be a bit confused about what actually ended the relationship for her and you might need proper closure. Have you expressed to her that you would go to therapy, etc? Has she told you any specifics on why she hasn't been happy? This might help you work on whatever you might need to, or make you realize that this wouldn't end up working out. Whatever it is, I think you need to clear your confusion on this matter... it sounds like you really love this girl. I would also like to question what happened in those 2 days you were gone that would change her mood like that... it sounds rather fishy to me. I'm not jumping to conclusions, but being happy one day and unhappy/breaking up 2 days later with no reason... something might be missing.

Did she give any specifics on why she's not happy? That might be the best place to start..

You seem like a really good guy and I wish you the very best of luck.

I appreciate the kind words, I really really do. Knowing that someone is listening, even if I don't know them, makes me feel "something" again. It's hard to get everything out, I wanted to make sure I didn't bore anyone with too many details!

No not everything was perfect. We had our arguments. The last one we had was about 3 months ago. She was working long hours and we finally had a weekend to spend together with some friends. Went out drinking had a good time. I went home at about midnight and she stayed out. I didn't mind really, I have complete trust in her in terms of being faithful but I worry when I'm not with her when it's late. We live in the city and there are a lot of creeps out there. I texted her, asking her when she was coming home at about 1AM. She replied immediately saying she was on her way, 2 hours later she came home. I was upset, not that she was out, but that I was worried sick thinking something terrible had happened and she really had no clue she was making me feel this way. I think she resented me for getting upset, but really it was just because I love her so much... I didn't want anything to happen to her.

She works long hours in the spring, early summer. Sometimes almost 60 hours a week. I never blamed her for this but of course I miss her when she's gone. It seems like whenever we have arguments, it's around the same time every year. She didn't give any specifics as to why she was unhappy. I can speculate though... long works hours, same routine everyday (go to work, come home, eat dinner, go to bed). I think part of her feels suffocated, we've been together so long she doesn't know who she could be without me. She has made comments that she's uncomfortable that I take care of her, mainly financially. I told her that has never bothered me. She was my mate and I would do whatever I could to make sure she had an easy life, not because I had to but because I wanted to. I worry that she is afraid to let someone take care of her because of her past. Her mother, while a lovely person, is a wreck and went a little crazy after her divorce (married for 15 years with 4 kids). I'm concerned that she can't commit to someone because she's afraid to end up with nothing... you know if I don't have anything, I can't lose anything. I have this mentality too, but it was different towards her.

Yes I do really love her and I want her to understand that it makes me feel like the most important person in the world to get the opportunity to take care of her. I know I need closure. I jokingly told her it would have been a lot easier if one of us went and cheated with someone else. At least that way we'd have a solid reason to walk away. I know that I need to tell her some things, both so she can hear it and so I can get it out. It helps to write it out, but I need her to hear it. I'm just afraid if I tell her now, it won't get across. But I'm also afraid if I don't tell her soon, I might not get the chance.

Really, thank you again.

The reason she wanted to leave you is she wanted more personal growth. By being with you, she is satisfied, yes, but she doesn't have personal growth. She probably wanted to test the water with other relationship too before she commits. She was 20 years old at the time she dated you. That is a very young age.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by justaguy123

She works long hours in the spring, early summer. Sometimes almost 60 hours a week. I never blamed her for this but of course I miss her when she's gone. It seems like whenever we have arguments, it's around the same time every year. She didn't give any specifics as to why she was unhappy. I can speculate though...long works hours, same routine everyday (go to work, come home, eat dinner, go to bed). I think part of her feels suffocated, we've been together so long she doesn't know who she could be without me. She has made comments that she's uncomfortable that I take care of her, mainly financially. I told her that has never bothered me. She was my mate and I would do whatever I could to make sure she had an easy life, not because I had to but because I wanted to. I worry that she is afraid to let someone take care of her because of her past. Her mother, while a lovely person, is a wreck and went a little crazy after her divorce (married for 15 years with 4 kids). I'm concerned that she can't commit to someone because she's afraid to end up with nothing.... you know if I don't have anything, I can't lose anything. I have this mentality too, but it was different towards her.

---

I wouldn't speculate honestly. If you really want this to work you need to find out why she is unhappy. You can come up with answers yourself... it'll drive you crazy though. You need to talk to her and figure out what issues she had with the relationship, then work on those if you really want to be with her. Not to insult her, but if she's ending a relationship because she's "scared" then she needs to see a therapist and work through her issues established through her mom. You can't fix everything for her, and only she can fix her own issues. Knowledge is power so figure out exactly what went wrong for her first and work from there.

But if she voices that she does not want to work on things and wants to truly be apart, then you need to honor her request and leave her be, you won't convince her to be with you unless she actually wants to be with you. I hope this helps.

I'm sorry to read about your situation. Mine is a little similar, though we've only been together for a year and a half, we've been through some really big things together. Just like you, one night she was restless and couldn't sleep. She told me the next day that she just didn't feel the same. It just sucks. I have no advice to offer because I'm still a wreck, but reading your story gives me a little comfort in knowing I'm not the only one. I hope she let's you know what changed, I wish I knew in my situation also. Maybe she doesn't know though, and only time will tell. Best of luck to you man! Hopefully everything works out for the best.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by jmooney527

I wouldn't speculate honestly. If you really want this to work you need to find out why she is unhappy. You can come up with answers yourself... it'll drive you crazy though. You need to talk to her and figure out what issues she had with the relationship, then work on those if you really want to be with her. Not to insult her, but if she's ending a relationship because she's "scared" then she needs to see a therapist and work through her issues established through her mom. You can't fix everything for her, and only she can fix her own issues. Knowledge is power so figure out exactly what went wrong for her first and work from there.

But if she voices that she does not want to work on things and wants to truly be apart, then you need to honor her request and leave her be, you won't convince her to be with you unless she actually wants to be with you. I hope this helps.

---

I don't agree with this, if has the talk now he'll just get under her skin, she wants something other than this relationship and I'm confident an interrogation isn't what she had in mind. And it's clear that she wants to be apart because she broke up with him.

However, I think all severed couples should have this talk, but only after enough time has passed, and then wait few more months to be on the safe side.

Anyway... any contact with her is only going to hurt you, trying to get new information on her is going to hurt you. Stay NC and keep your chin up.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by slapshot_oi

I don't agree with this, if has the talk now he'll just get under her skin, she wants something other than this relationship and I'm confident an interrogation isn't what she had in mind. And it's clear that she wants to be apart because she broke up with him.

However, I think all severed couples should have this talk, but only after enough time has passed, and then wait few more months to be on the safe side.

Anyway... any contact with her is only going to hurt you, trying to get new information on her is going to hurt you. Stay NC and keep your chin up.

---

Well he either tries to get closure... or try NC and drive yourself crazy trying to figure it out for yourself why she wasn't happy. He loves her and would do anything to keep the relationship going... and having a 5 minute discussion with someone you're still talking to(justaguy123 you can correct me if I'm wrong) won't hurt. It sounds like you're on relatively good terms with her during and post breakup so I doubt it'll "push" her away if you casually ask why she was unhappy with you.

I'm not sure if he can go NC given how things ended with her... she just said "I'm unhappy" and the relationship ended.

Just my opinion. Without knowing how the relationship is ending, how are you supposed to move on? You can't personally grow from something when you don't know what went wrong.

You move on because you have no choice. Everyone makes a huge deal about this "closure" issue. Look, when someone says they aren't happy in a relationship with YOU anymore, that is closure... that's it, done deal. What do you want her to say? Found another guy, she is a lesbian.. I mean what? Really?

This is life, things end, and it is what it is. Sucks, but drowing yourself in questions isn't the answer.

But he is drowning himself in questions because he has no answer. After being in a 5 year relationship what harm is there in keeping contact for another 5 minutes to find out why? He hasn't done NC yet so what progress is lost in doing so?

She said she wasn't happy... am I missing something? That is why it has ended. I would find it very difficult for anyone to explain to someone they deeply care for why they aren't happy with them anymore, and I truly don't see the point in sitting down and listening to someone say that. Progress isn't made by gaining answers to questions, it is trying to find yourself again. The biggest mistake we ever make in a relationship is losing ourselves in it. So, ask all the questions you want, but ask the ones that are relevant to your well being. Look, at the end of the day, a broken heart usually can't be explained... the circumstances surrounding it are many years in the making... so the most quick way to getting yourself back is not questioning, but accepting that things are happening for a reason.

Sorry if I upset you in any way KC... I thought this is supposed to be an advice forum for people, not a place to argue what the best answer to a problem is. There is no right answer for everyone... only justaguy123 is going to do what he thinks will work best.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by jmooney527

Well he either tries to get closure... or try NC and drive yourself crazy trying to figure it out for yourself why she wasn't happy. He loves her and would do anything to keep the relationship going... and having a 5 minute discussion with someone you're still talking to(justaguy123 you can correct me if I'm wrong) won't hurt. It sounds like you're on relatively good terms with her during and post breakup so I doubt it'll "push" her away if you casually ask why she was unhappy with you.

I'm not sure if he can go NC given how things ended with her... she just said "I'm unhappy" and the relationship ended.

Just my opinion. Without knowing how the relationship is ending, how are you supposed to move on? You can't personally grow from something when you don't know what went wrong.

---

We are on good terms, while the conversation was sad for both of us... neither of us took out our emotions on each other. When she/we broke it off, I mentioned that I wasn't sure if I could talk to her anymore. Not because I was angry with her, but because I don't think I can do the "just friends" thing. If we were friends, I would always be trying to get back with her and neither of us would ever have a healthy relationship. She started crying after this and told me she couldn't imagine not having me in her life, she told me she loved me. I countered this by saying, I was just probably being over dramatic about never being able to talk to her and in truth... I was. I told her I loved her and I really couldn't just stop talking to her forever after the initial breakup.

She still has all of her stuff at our place, so there has to be some communication to coordinate everything. We re-signed the lease together 2 weeks ago, so there has to be some contact regarding that. I really want to call her tonight, but it's only been 1-2 days since the initial conversation. I'm sorry I realize the reasons behind the NC thing, but I don't care... I love her too much to just give up. If it's over, it's over and I will learn to live with that. But I agree jmooney, I'll go crazy if I don't know what happened. In regards to the NC thing, I did break and texted her this morning. I said "I know I'm not supposed to talk to you, but please have a good day". She and I shot back a couple texts after that, nothing about us or our situation... but just a few jokes here and there. Might heart wants to spill everything out to her, I just want to be careful not to overwhelm her and scare her off for good.

I almost want to call her tonight, just to say: "I will always be thinking about her and I want to give her the time she needs. I have a lot of things to say, a lot of questions, but I don't think we are ready right now. I think we should get something to eat, see where we are as individuals after the dust settles. After all we've been through, we both deserve that".

Short, too the point, and nothing too sappy. I just don't know if tonight is too soon.

Not upset at all... the point of threads is to generate enough differing advice to offer the OP with a sound solution based upon many perspectives. I wasn't trying to argue, just hope that all opinions will be taken into consideration before a RATIONAL decision of any kind is made.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by jmooney527

Well he either tries to get closure... or try NC and drive yourself crazy trying to figure it out for yourself why she wasn't happy. He loves her and would do anything to keep the relationship going... and having a 5 minute discussion with someone you're still talking to(justaguy123 you can correct me if I'm wrong) won't hurt. It sounds like you're on relatively good terms with her during and post breakup so I doubt it'll "push" her away if you casually ask why she was unhappy with you.

---

C'mon, do you really believe it will be a five minute conversation and not a second more? The over-under on that phone call is two-hours. Keeping in touch with the person quickly leads to frustration and that's when it all goes sour and then they'll both be pushing each other away.

Closure is garbage, really. Hollywood makes you think you need it, you don't. I still have none from my last two or three break-ups and I'll be seeing the most recent ex this Saturday after eight months. I don't expect closure and it's been so damn long I couldn't care less now, and that's where I want be. I only got there by sticking to NC for all eight of those months (well like 90%).

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by jmooney527

I'm not sure if he can go NC given how things ended with her... she just said "I'm unhappy" and the relationship ended.

---

Sure he can stick to NC. NC isn't a decathlon, it's inaction, it's one of the easiest things to do or not do, whichever way you look at it. It's one of those times where laziness is a virtue.

Yes, she did say that, and that's reason enough. Also, that's more than some people got. Read some threads on here about how some folks were left high-and-dry without warning or any parting words. I think we all can agree that's pretty low.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by jmooney527

Just my opinion. Without knowing how the relationship is ending, how are you supposed to move on? You can't personally grow from something when you don't know what went wrong.

---

You don't have a choice, like kctiger already wrote. You have to move on, or have countless sleepless nights and indefinite misery.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by justaguy123

We are on good terms, while the conversation was sad for both of us... neither of us took out our emotions on each other. When she/we broke it off, I mentioned that I wasn't sure if I could talk to her anymore. Not because I was angry with her, but because I don't think I can do the "just friends" thing. If we were friends, I would always be trying to get back with her and neither of us would ever have a healthy relationship. She started crying after this and told me she couldn't imagine not having me in her life, she told me she loved me. I countered this by saying, I was just probably being over dramatic about never being able to talk to her and in truth...I was. I told her I loved her and I really couldn't just stop talking to her forever after the initial breakup.

She still has all of her stuff at our place, so there has to be some communication to coordinate everything. We re-signed the lease together 2 weeks ago, so there has to be some contact regarding that. I really want to call her tonight, but it's only been 1-2 days since the initial conversation. I'm sorry I realize the reasons behind the NC thing, but I don't care...I love her to much to just give up. If it's over, it's over and I will learn to live with that. But I agree jmooney, I'll go crazy if I don't know what happened. In regards to the NC thing, I did break and texted her this morning. I said "I know I'm not supposed to talk to you, but please have a good day". She and I shot back a couple texts after that, nothing about us or our situation... but just a few jokes here and there. Might heart wants to spill everything out to her, I just want to be careful not to overwhelm her and scare her off for good.

I almost want to call her tonight, just to say: "I will always be thinking about her and I want to give her the time she needs. I have a lot of things to say, a lot of questions, but I don't think we are ready right now. I think we should get something to eat, see where we are as individuals after the dust settles. After all we've been through, we both deserve that".

Short, too the point, and nothing too sappy. I just don't know if tonight is too soon.

---

Right I don't think you should try to be friends with her. Maybe just get the information and then consider NC shortly afterwards. You want her to be happy but you want to be happy as well.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by slapshot_oi

C'mon, do you really believe it will be a five minute conversation and not a second more? The over-under on that phone call is two-hours. Keeping in touch with the person quickly leads to frustration and that's when it all goes sour and then they'll both be pushing each other away.

Closure is garbage, really. Hollywood makes you think you need it, you don't. I still have none from my last two or three break-ups and I'll be seeing the most recent ex this Saturday after eight months. I don't expect closure and it's been so damn long I could care less now, and that's where I want be. I only got there by sticking to NC for all eight of those months (well like 90%).


Sure he can stick to NC. NC isn't a decathlon, it's inaction, it's one of the easiest things to do or not do, whichever way you look at it. It's one of those times where laziness is a virtue.

Yes, she did say that, and that's reason enough. Also, that's more than some people got. Read some threads on here about how some folks were left high-and-dry without warning or any parting words. I think we all can agree that's pretty low.


You don't have a choice, like kctiger already wrote. You have to move on, or have countless sleepless nights and indefinite misery.

---

Wow. I'm not going to join in on this argument. Justaguy, do what you think will work best for you. Take the advice anyone gives you with a grain of salt because you know more about yourself and your own life than any of us. You don't always have to take the bitter approach when dealing with these types of things. Worst case scenario, you learn from any mistake that you thought you might've made.

Listen, what you are going through is very similar to my case. I was dating my girlfriend for 7 years, & she was around 20, too, when we first met.

All I can say is that, at the age of 20, girls are very young to get in a serious relationship that will eventually lead to getting married (based on my conclusions from my situation). Sooner or later, they feel smothered. This is common, it happens to every girl.

My fiancé as well told me one day she doesn't feel the same. From one day to another. From happy to unhappy, suddenly. Just, be happy that your girlfriend didn't destroy what you had for 5 years, because mine did. My ex chose to break up the rough way, destroying any lines of communication, leaving me with bitter feelings towards her. Don't be sad that your relationship ended. You can smile that it just happened.

Now, straight to my point: you & are your ex seem to be very mature. Be glad that she left the lines of communication open. You still have some moves to make, but you got to be careful, pal.

First of all, my suggestion is: never, ever argue with her again, for any reason. No matter how angry you might feel, if you ever have an argument again (even the slightest one), you'll scare her away. Also, don't listen to the advice you get from other people that goes like "move on, it's over, forget about her, blah blah blah". My friend, it's too soon to say it's over, she's the woman you love with your heart, you OUGHT to try make her come back. HOWEVER, you might VERY soon get to the point of "no-return", where there will be nothing more you can do. But, you haven't reached this point yet. Keep us updated, and we can tell you when you reach this point.

I'd suggest you go for 3-4 days with NC (I mean ABSOLUTELY NC), then you can send her a short message, asking her (actually, politely demanding) if you can meet for an hour or so.. "coz i've been thinking lately & I have made some decisions about us, about my life, which I have to discuss with you". This might arouse her curiosity, and she might give you an extra hour or so with her. If this discussion won't change anything, then go to hard NC for weeks, or even months. Never ever beg her again to discuss again.

The most important rule: no matter how politely she treats you, do NOT appear too needy/desperate to get back with her. Don't think she'll consider it sweet. No woman does, during a break up, no matter how big her heart is.

Concluding, I tell you that it's up to you to play your cards right, showing her that "i do love you, but I can live without you". Tricky as it might sound, but if you do it correctly, the result will be miraculous.

Give yourself some time to get over your shock at being dumped. All your questions can wait for that.

I hate giving advice to people in shock, but venting , ranting , and raving is okay. For that, your in the right place.