Hi,
I have been dating this wonderful woman for about 2 years now. We are both divorced with children. I have a 20 year old and she has an 8 and 11 year old. We have been madly in love ever since we started talking. We can sit for hours and just talk to each other endlessly. We share common interests and enjoy each others company on any outing we might go on. Our love making has always been passionate and we seem to be able to keep each other aroused by flirting and playing with each other even in public. We do everything together, every spare minute we have. I love her deeply and I think she feels the same way. We have discussed marriage and I have been waiting for the right time to pop the question. She is very impatient at times waiting to be married to me, but I am a romantic and want the perfect setting for the question. Now for the problem. She is still very active in her ex-husbands life. She goes out to eat, movies, vacations, with he and the kids. She frequently goes to his home or he comes to hers to visit the kids and they hang out for hours. She says that he is only a dear friend and a father to her chilren, and that all. By the way, I do admire both of them for their devotion to their kids. My ex and I don't speak anymore. Anyway, they occasionally hug with a peck on the cheek when parting and she defends him anytime I mention how their actions make me uncomfortable. I don't mind them doing whatever they need for their kids, but they seem to be wanting the kids to feel that they are still together, but live in separate houses. We have had a few heated arguments over this subject recently that has put a strain on our relationship. She recently went out of the country with friends for 3 weeks and the only communication we had was email. As the days went by, I noticed she wrote to me less and seemed distant when she did write. By the way, she was with a female teacher friend and some high school students on an outing over seas. Then one day I asked her what was wrong that she didn't seem to want to write me? She said that she felt she had neglected her kids when she met me and wanted us to be just good friends. She said the fussing over her ex and the distance for a few days made her realize she had neglected her kids and that she had to finish raising them as she started. I have always supported her when it came to her kids and now I don't know what has happened. I don't understand her need to stay so close to her ex and it is tearing our relationship apart. Plus, the ex thing has also made me hesitant on asking her to marry me, and she knows it. Someone please tell me what I did wrong and what should I do going forward? I love her with all my heart. Am I being childish and controlling to ask her to limit her time with her ex? Should I let her go and see if she comes back? I don't know what to do.

Sounds like her priorities do not revolve around being in a relationship right now. From what you wrote, it seems you are already losing her, or may have even lost her. She is going to do what she wants to do, and that has a lot to do with children. You are going to take a back seat to that, and rightfully so. Up to you whether you want to deal with that or not.

I have a daughter from a previous relationship and I must say I never went on family trip with her father after we split. He might take her on a trip with him and I do the same.

It sounds like she might be conflicted and might still have feelings for her ex and/or unresolved feelings towards him.

Your only best bet is to let go and move on. Having agruements regarding the same thing is never good and makes you come out as being jealous/insecure.

Sometimes things don't goes as planned but the two of you aren't meant to be together right now. Sorry this happen but it is best it happen now rather then later.

Just going to throw this out there - Maybe she realizes that she can't take advantage of you anymore, so she's moving on.

Frankly, you had every right as her current boyfriend to know what the situation was with the ex. And you also had every right to tell her you were uncomfortable. If you weren't exaggerating earlier, it does sound a bit odd to me that she spent hours at a time with him at their various homes.

Yes, the children are important, but so is a sense of trust. If you can't trust her, regardless of how justified you are or not, you cannot possibly have a healthy relationship. And I know you want to be a good guy and respect her space, but you were talking about marrying this girl. You deserve to know what was really going on, and if she just cut you out like this it's most likely because something WAS going on.

I'm not saying she's physically cheated on you, but it does sound like she has emotionally cheated on you. Or perhaps, you two never had the same level of emotional attachment that you thought. Feelings do change over time, but that's not an excuse to just give up like so many people do nowadays.

I suggest you sit down and talk about this face to face. If she doesn't want to do that, then that shows you how much she cares about your emotions. I know she wants to have a good environment for the kids, but it sounds more to me like she's trying to keep her options open.

You're better off without her, man. You deserve someone who wants you, and only you, as much as you want them.

~ Tee

Be thankful you didn't rush to marry like she wanted. Who did she actually go away with? Was her ex still back at home? Well she must have done some venting while she was gone and had some second thoughts. I agree she was over the edge in how she acted with her ex, but he will always be in her life due to the kids. If she can't see how her actions looked from the outside then she must have some feelings still undealt with. Let her be and move on.

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Originally Posted by Hurtinva

... madly in love ... share common interests and enjoy each others company .... passionate ... flirting and playing with each other ... do everything together... I love her deeply ... they seem to be wanting the kids to feel that they are still together, but live in seperate houses. We have had a few heated arguments ... strain on our relationship. ...I don't understand her need to stay so close to her ex and it is tearing our relationship apart. Plus, the ex thing has also made me hesitant on asking her to marry me, and she knows it. Someone please tell me what I did wrong and what should I do going forward? I love her with all my heart. Am I being childish and controlling to ask her to limit her time with her ex? Should I let her go and see if she comes back? ...

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You are a fine, compatible, loving playmate, suitable for marriage, and despite her impatience, she'd only love to marry you IF her kids were already grown and out of the house. Her first commitment is to her kids—appropriately—and her ex is a better partner in this commitment than he was as a husband (from her viewpoint). Although they don't want to be married to each other (We don't know anything about their marriage) they are not hostile to each other. In fact, in this parenting endeavor, they get along just fine.

Although it is rare, it's better to be friends with one's ex, especially if there are children. My ex and I, having two grown sons between us and more children with our current spouses, are dear friends. We are both remarried to people whom our ex respects. It is civil, cordial, and as caring as with any other close relationship. We all made that happen and we are all, I believe, grateful. But it's clear that we would never want to go back. Our first marriages didn't work and our current ones do.

When one of our sons got into teenage trouble, all four parents got engaged, but it fell to his biological parents, my ex and me, to take responsibility. Our current spouses took a back seat. Our roles were clear, and that made it easier. Things worked out.

Your mistake is getting angry and fighting with her over this. You aren't being "childish and controlling" and your feelings and concerns make perfect sense, but arguing to express them pushed her into deciding where her priorities are. You raised the emotional and energetic cost of being close to you. She can find other playmates, but can't replace her children.

If you truly love her, and can subsume your alpha male instincts and suspend your images about the "right" relationship model, you can discover a way to enjoy your relationship with her. That's not to suggest that you should. In fact, it's a tall order. You will be on uncharted territory and will have to make your own map. Knowing that you don't come first in her life, that she will continue interacting with her ex in the same way, and that she will dump you in a heartbeat if you try to force her to change what seems to be working for her, you might reconsider your options.

If, on the other hand, you can be content being her playmate, lover, and friend, and maintain a healthy distance between the two of you, hey, knock your socks off.

All that said, she might have pulled back to the point that your options are limited. I suggest that you address your emotions separately, come to clarity about your position—what you can live with and what you cannot—and have some candid, gentle dialog with her.

Tao

Thanks to everyone. You all have valid points that don't sound right in thoughts until you actually hear it from someone else.

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Originally Posted by Hurtinva

Thanks to everyone. You all have valid points that don't sound right in thoughts until you actually hear it from someone else.

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Never doubt in the dark what you saw in the light.
Author Unknown

Unrealistic to think your going to change the family dynamic these folks have going on.

To bad you can't accept it, and enjoy it, but since you can't..? Sorry bad timing.

It's rare that a couple remain friends, but for the sake of their kids, I'm glad they were able to do so. I believe their relationship is affectionate, but platonic. She's putting her kids first, as she should do. You could have fit into the equation, but since you can't accept it, she's right to end things with you.

I can also speak from experience when I say that I have a great relationship with my ex.
And, when I was with my ex, we had a great relationship with his ex.

He would spend a lot of time with her and the children (he had 4 boys) and we would go away together when it involved doing things that the boys were doing. I honestly was never bothered by this, and it enabled me to see that there was nothing between my ex and his ex.

Sadly, Hurtinva, I suspect that you may have pushed her away by your inability to trust her. Clearly her children are important, as they should be, and the children need to see that she and her ex get on well together.

I feel that you may be asking too much by asking her to limit her time with the ex. You know why? Because essentially it's your problem not hers.

If you really love her, then talk to her about what a fool you've been. Be prepared to man up and face the consequences of your 'wrong' thinking. If she has made her decision, then it's a difficult lesson you've learnt the hard way.

I have old her her what a fool I have been and encouraged her to to whatever she feels is right by her kids. Things are looking up and I have decided to be a friend to her ex instead of a problem. Thanks everyone.

Divorce is divorce ! All matters concerning the children should have been considered before the break up of the family.
It is one thing to be civil to your ex , but another to arrange and support a "new" family structure. This sends mix signals to all parties involved. You accepted her and her children and are being asked to include the ex husband/ father in the equation. He is not your concern ! Civil is wise ! Her answer to your concern was to drop you. Keep compromising yourself and you will become invisible anyway !

My parents divorced when I was young but we saw our dad every day. He spent holidays with us. My parents were very cordial with each other.
My ex and I are cordial. He has spent the last two Christmases with me and our adult daughter. When we see each other we hug good bye. We have know each other many years and did not want our friendship to end just because the marriage did. I have no desire to be with him or him with me.

Her children are still pretty young and that should be her priority.
It is also possible to be on speaking terms with the ex. If you were to marry her you should. You are spending time with his kids and he needs to know you're an OK person.
This thing is doable, unless those two still have feelings for each other, then that is a different story