Hi, Ive been seeing my girlfriend for six months, I love her to death and would do anything for her. She suffers from anxiety and depression and has just started taking medication to ease her anxiety and anti depressants to help her feel better.
She has not been wanting to have sex for about the last two months and she has been pretty standoffish towards me. I have done everything for her from doing dishes to walking the dog and cleaning and taking her 2 sons out, It is really demanding for me to do all of this on top of being self employed. She has been OK but the other day she turned round and said she needed time on her own and some space. She is still texting me now and then but maybe only once or twice. Have I been doing too much for her? Does she want to end the relationship?
She also takes everything I say the wrong way and twists everything around to make me wrong and her right which causes arguments.
Is this the depression?
Could I be making her more depressed by doing everything for her and making her think she can't do it?
Should I just throw the towel in and give up?

Don't point fingers at what is to blame... take the givens... she wants time and space from you. She twists arguments around in her favor. Take these two things and weigh them more than the rest. You can't do much to help her through depression and anxiety... clearly you already tried and in turn she tells you she needs space. You love her, so give her space and time. She has issues that she needs to work out and you need to allow her to do those without relying on you as a crutch.

Do you know where the depression and anxiety is coming from?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by jmooney527

Don't point fingers at what is to blame... take the givens... she wants time and space from you. She twists arguments around in her favor. Take these two things and weigh them more than the rest. You can't do much to help her through depression and anxiety... clearly you already tried and in turn she tells you she needs space. You love her, so give her space and time. She has issues that she needs to work out and you need to allow her to do those without relying on you as a crutch.

Do you know where the depression and anxiety is coming from?

---

I think the depression is coming from about 2 years ago when she had a rough time with her previous partner and a miscarraige and he left her and he didn't get along with her family. I on the other hand treat her right and get along well with her two boys and her parents.
We cannot understand where the anxiety is coming from? She says at about 8 o clock at night she has this really bad knot in her stomach and feels like something bad is going to happen. She has dreams of being in a coffin and the two boys crying whilst looking at her.
I have been there for her since I met her and we got along great until about a month ago, maybe I'm trying too hard to make sure she is OK. I have had a text from her today just letting me know she was at the doctor and had got more pills, she text me again and told me she felt slightly better. Ill keep away from her until she wants to speak to me and I never text her first, Is that the right move?

Only you will know the right move to make. My advice would be to sit down with her and tell her she needs to see a therapist, not just take these medications (if she isn't already). Something does not seem right and she needs certain medical attention. She does not seem to be in the right place to be in a relationship right now. When you sit down with her, tell her you love her and you want her to be happy and healthy, and she doesn't seem either right now. You cannot expect to build a healthy relationship when one of you is in such bad shape. She's pushing you away for one reason or another, and it might be in your best interest as well as hers to end the relationship until she can find the help she needs.

Best of luck to you and what your decision turns out to be.

Leave her alone to do her own dishes, and deal with her own issues.

You can't help, nor does she want you to.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by talaniman

Leave her alone to do her own dishes, and deal with her own issues.

You can't help, nor does she want you to.

---

Had to spread rep, I hate to admit it, but this is true. My ex had very similar problems to yours. I did everything I could to stand by her, but eventually, I couldn't take it anymore and we broke up.

If you really love her and want to make this work, then give her the time and space that she requested. You don't need to worry about her because she will get help when she wants and needs it. For now, focus on yourself.

The part about her taking the things you say the wrong way, I had that problem too. After we broke up, I started reflecting on what I said and how I expressed myself, which caused those little arguments. I saw the truth in what my ex said and I've changed the way I have conversations. Maybe you should do the same.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by I wish

Had to spread rep, I hate to admit it, but this is true. My ex had very similar problems to yours. I did everything I could to stand by her, but eventually, I couldn't take it anymore and we broke up.

If you really love her and want to make this work, then give her the time and space that she requested. You don't need to worry about her because she will get help when she wants and needs it. For now, focus on yourself.

The part about her taking the things you say the wrong way, I had that problem too. After we broke up, I started reflecting on what I said and how I expressed myself, which caused those little arguments. I saw the truth in what my ex said and I've changed the way I have conversations. Maybe you should do the same.

---

The weekend was total hell, I never seen her on Friday night but she asked me to see her on Saturday for a bit then I went home and was watching TV and she turned up with her kids at my house. She stayed for about an hour but seemed uncomfortable and did not sit next to me, she waited until the kids had gone out to the car on the way home and she gave me a kiss and thanked me. She asked me to come over on Sunday and we spent a bit of time talking, well me listening really then I took her son out for dinner and dropped him off later and we chatted more then I went back home.
I received a text message telling me she could not give me the kind of relationship I wanted at the moment due to her depression and she needs to feel well in herself.
I said OK then ill leave you too it, its not working out. She went crazy and into a panic and said she wanted nobody else in her life but me and that she may feel better in a week or so when her medication starts to work. She text me this morning telling me she had been up all night because of the texts. I told her to delete them and that I would still be around for her. She has text me wanting cigarettes all day and she has no money to buy them and could I drop them off for her? I was allowed to drop them off or put them through the letter box but I wasn't allowed to see her, I find this behaviour infuriating and I get angry when she hides away like that, At the end of the day I have done nothing wrong. Any help would be appreciated.

She needs to deal with her own issues. I realize you care for her, but you can't bring yourself down with her, and that is exactly what you are doing. You cannot be her whipping boy, there for convenience. That isn't fair. She is a big girl and can handle things... time for her to do it. You, on the other hand, need to do what's best for you, and sad to say, that means ridding yourself of involvement in her life. What I am saying may sound cold blooded, but it is what it is. There is only so much you can do, and getting cigs for someone doesn't help them at all. You cannot help someone not willing to help themselves.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by kctiger

She needs to deal with her own issues. I realize you care for her, but you can't bring yourself down with her, and that is exactly what you are doing. You cannot be her whipping boy, there for convenience. That isn't fair. She is a big girl and can handle things...time for her to do it. You, on the other hand, need to do what's best for you, and sad to say, that means ridding yourself of involvement in her life. What I am saying may sound cold blooded, but it is what it is. There is only so much you can do, and getting cigs for someone doesn't help them at all. You cannot help someone not willing to help themselves.

---

That's all good advice and I probably do too much for her anyway but that's me, Im a very helpful person and just don't trust anyone else to do the job right kind if thing.
Anyway she has talked of suicide and last nights episode sent her into a downwards spiral, she is close to the edge right now and I don't want her to go over, the new tablets she has should be taking effect very soon and she will start to see the light at the end of the tunnel. She tells me she doesn't want to feel the way she does and wishes it was all over(the feelings she has). Her two boys are like sons to me and they are upset that I'm not there anymore, we used to do things together, fishing walking and lots of things but mainly we all have a laugh. I know they have been asking questions to their mother as to where I am and why I am not there at night and when will I be coming back? She can't answer them because she has no idea herself, she is so stressed, she shakes and fidgets and hyperventilates. Its really sad to see someone so strong being pulled to her knees with depression and anxiety and she has no idea what's causing it, She is the same whether I'm there or not so I've been ruled out as the cause. I think its years of bottling things up and now its taken over her life.

Just give her space so that she can deal with her problems herself. You're her boyfriend, not her psychologist.

Once she's figured things out, she will find you.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by I wish

Just give her space so that she can deal with her problems herself. You're her boyfriend, not her psychologist.

Once she's figured things out, she will find you.

---

I will do that, Its really difficult to let go like that though and I don't want to appear heartless but on the other hand she is pushing me away so I should just blank her for a while until she realises that it wasn't so bad after all. I won't be her message boy anymore either. Im sure she will be on the phone before the week is out though, Ill just have to resist and let her do it herself.
How long does this usually take for medication for depression and anxiety to kick in and start to have a significant change in someone's mental attitude?

Don't put a timeline on anything. Depression pills are not magic potions. Even though people take the pills, it still takes different amounts of time for everyone to recover. Same goes for the time and space. Do not put the expectation that she will want you back. We have no idea what she wants, that's why she needs the time and space.

In the meantime, while you wait, you should start moving on with your life. If she comes back, then awesome, but if she doesn't, at least you will have started moving along in the recovery procress and you won't have to start from scratch.

Depression is a weird thing... I am not totally convinced that pills do anything. I realize they help, but there is a lot more that goes into it than just taking medication. With severe depression and the combo of taking meds, there is a slippery slope going on.

IWish is right on here... I wouldn't count on anything just yet. The best thing you can do is allow her to get over this herself and you really need to focus on the positive things in your life. It is very easy for someone who is miserable to take you down with them, especially if you care for them. Try not to let that happen to you.

Now my girlfriend has been taking the Mirtazipine for 3 weeks now and although her sleep patern is much better and she is going to bed when she should, nothing else has changed. She is very irritable and everything anyone says to her is wrong. She says the pills are not working and I would tend to agree. I have been giving her the space she needs, or trying to, she keeps contacting me and coming to my house and asking me to come to hers. She keeps telling me she wishes she felt better so she could have a normal relationship with me.
Anyway there has been a new development. She had been having irregular periods and pelvic and back pain so her doctor had sent her for a scan. They found an ovarian cyst on her left ovary. Now this got me thinking that with her having 2 periods a month and losing lots of blood this would explain a lot of the tiredness she was having and what we thought was depression might not be but a hormone imbalance caused by her ovaries not being able to produce the hormones needed for her to feel well.
Can this happen?
She has to go back for another scan in six weeks, is this too long to wait having to have pain and discomfort? Should the doctors be doing more?
Would estrogen patches work?

These are question for a doctor to answer. Do you go with her, when she sees him?

What I am see, for whatever reason she is not very forth coming with her personal info, she may not know, but your taking this way to personal. Step back and be more objective so you can learn the subtle changes in her behavior, so you can ask the right questions, and be of help, and know how to give support.

Trust me on this one, taking a partners behavior personally, prevents you from paying them the attention you need to. Communications is not just talking, but listening, and learning from paying attention.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by talaniman

These are question for a doctor to answer. Do you go with her, when she sees him?

What I am see, for whatever reason she is not very forth coming with her personal info, she may not know, but your taking this way to personal. Step back and be more objective so you can learn the subtle changes in her behavior, so you can ask the right questions, and be of help, and know how to give support.

Trust me on this one, taking a partners behavior personally, prevents you from paying them the attention you need to. Communications is not just talking, but listening, and learning from paying attention.

---

I asked her earlier today after her saying she didn't know what she wanted in general not with the relation ship but with everything, I asked her straight out if she loved me? The answer was "I dont Know", to me this is not a good sign and I said to her well if you can't answer me that then how am I supposed to help you? Am I supposed to be there until she is better then get dumped and oh by the way thanks for all your help?
Anyway she went mental and started asking me how I could ask her such a question when she is feeling so low? I said it's a very simple question and should have the same answer through any situation if we are a couple.
I don't know if this is correct with people who are depressed or on medication but I read it as I don't love you.
She then turned it all around on me telling me that I was selfish and wanted her to get better so that I would be OK, This is simply not true, I just want her to get better, Ill always be OK I'm pretty resiliant.
Anyway I asked her if she was dumping me and she just text me back saying "Whatever, you can take what you want from that, right now i need to be on my own." I can't understand why she finds it so hard to just tell me to go away, I would understand that and move on, I like to keep things simple.
I deleted her numbers from my phone and any contact info for her and told her that I would not contact her until she contacts me. This way I won't be tempted to see how she is or call her for anything. Maybe its time to let her realise that I won't be pushed around and do everything she asks, its time I took a stand and done things for myself instead of including her in everything.

Quote:

---

Trust me on this one, taking a partners behavior personally, prevents you from paying them the attention you need to. Communications is not just talking, but listening, and learning from paying attention.

---

Seems you did the exact opposite.

Quote:

---

I asked her straight out if she loved me? The answer was "I dont Know"

---

Looking for assurance from insecurity????
,

Quote:

---

to me this is not a good sign and i said to her well if you can't answer me that then how am i supposed to help you? Am i supposed to be there til she is better then get dumped and oh by the way thanks for all your help?

---

WOW, Getting carried away from frustration????

Quote:

---

Anyway she went mental and started asking me how i could ask her such a question when she is feeling so low? I said its a very simple question and should have the same answer through any situation if we are a couple.

---

Was this fair????

Quote:

---

I dont know if this is correct with people who are depressed or on medication but i read it as i dont love you.

---

Maybe you were insensitive?? Acting without facts and assuming??

Quote:

---

She then turned it all around on me telling me that I was selfish and wanted her to get better so that i would be ok, This is simply not true, i just want her to get better, Ill always be ok im pretty resiliant.

---

Dude you started this?? Its more than selfish it was dishonest.

Quote:

---

Anyway I asked her if she was dumping me and she just text me back saying "Whatever, you can take what you want from that, right now i need to be on my own." I can't understand why she finds it so hard to just tell me to go away, I would understand that and move on, I like to keep things simple.

---

Was all this done thru text?? Or did you leave and start this BS all over again????

Quote:

---

I deleted her numbers from my phone and any contact info for her and told her that i would not contact her until she contacts me. this way I won't be tempted to see how she is or call her for anything.

---

That would be great if you would been honest about what your own motives where.

Quote:

---

Maybe its time to let her realise that i wont be pushed around and do everything she asks, its time i took a stand and done things for myself instead of including her in everything.

---

Maybe you should have found a gentler way to break up with her and not stoop to the tactic of starting a fight to cover your actions.

You do things for someone because you like doing it, and not because you think it is an obligation or expectation. If you don't feel like doing it, don't do it. You will only wind up bitter about yourself and the relationship. Medication has a lot to do with it. There are alternative ways to counter depression and anxiety. I have helped some of my friends find relief in that.

Read about her condition or find a support group that will help you undertand what she is going through.

If you think she is wanting space, why don't you talk to her and ask the questions you just asked in this post. Or perhaps you are afraid to know the answer. Do what you need to do to feel good about yourself. It is not your responsibility to fix people. You can be there for support, but only if that is what you desire to do, and love it.