Ask Me Help Desk - Girlfriend broke up with me, moved back home with family and wants to figure things

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My girlfriend and I just recently broke up. I am 25 and she is 23. We met in college as I was finishing up my college career. We were friends for a bit before we got romantically involved. At first I did not want anything serious since I was figuring out my life after graduating, wanted to find a job and what not. In a way she was doing all the chasing. As I got my life in place and landed a job, I then started falling in love with her. We made things official and our relationship was fantastic, her family loved me (who she is extremely close to) and things were great. During this time, she was still in college as she was finishing up her degree. I moved away about an hour away from the college so she would come see me just about everyweekend for about a year and 3 months. She did not like being in school and felt lonely in campus, so being by my place on the weekends was great because we did fun things and she was happy by my side.

About 10 months into our relatinship we got a dog together. We decided to do so since we were pretty close and I felt like we were going to be together for a long time. Plus the puppy could keep her company at school until she finished up. Things continued to be fine, I always felt loved and yeah we had our little arguments here and there just like any other relationship but nothing major. We went to California for her birthday and had a wonderful time. She finished up her semester and had to move back home for good. She still has one more semester and will be commuting from home. Things were still good but I began to notice that while she was at home busy with her family she had less time to talk to me, which I was fine with. She is very close to her family and I understood.

About 2 weeks ago, one night I noticed there was something wrong with her. I asked and asked, told me that she was worried about getting a job since she had been applying everywhere but no luck... and finally she told me that she didn't know about us anymore. She said she is currently happy being around her family and that she doesn't feel lonely anymore, and felt like she didn't need a boyfriend. She said she feels differently about me and that she had been thinking about it for about a month but did not what to do about it. Couple days went by of arguing and trying to reason with her but I was getting nowhere.
She concluded that right now she does not want to be with anybody and that she wants to focus on finding a job (by the way I made a couple phone calls and now she has a job) She feels that she missed out on her family being away in college and right now is having a great time with them. She said she wants to by herself and figure her life out. She has no money right now and lots of bills and although she is living her family she still takes care of her own bills.. It is obvious that she has a lot of things going on right now. She has also been the type of girl that always had a boyfriend and says that she wants time to herself.
We met up couple days ago to take our pup to the vet, and after we went to dinner and had some drinks. We talked about things and she said she is currently happy with her decision, she has been spending time her family and likes being there for her two young sibilings. I told her that I understand how she feels and that I respect her decision because we all have to get our life together at some point of our lives. I asked her to please let me know if she chnages her mind about us and that we would talk then about things.We had a great time together and we were laughing and being "us" how we were before the break up.
In the past couple days I have been hcatting with her through Facebook whenever she is on about things regarding out dog and her job. Yesterday she kind of lashed out at me and told me that she feels that I am still taking to her as if we are dating, through Facebook and some texts and that I am not giving her the space she needs. Said she is starting to get frustrated... What do I do now people? Is this over? We were together for a year and 3 months and yes I do have my life together and have a job... is there any chance of getting back together? Am I screwed because I was contacting her through Facebook chat... please help, I have not been doing well at all... Thank you

Well it seems to me when she was lonely and her family wasn't around you were good enough. Now she is home and not lonely she kicks you to the curb? My first thoughts were she was using you to fill in her time. Why can't you hang with her family and help out also? Why can't you spend time with her family as a couple? Sounds like she is choosing her family over you and that's all fine and well. But she isn't giving you a chance to be part of it so I would suggest some NC. Let it be her way. You have your life settled now and are ready. She isn't. She might bring you down.

She laid it out for you pretty clearly, it is painful but you are beating a dead horse and it is time to move on with your life.

I let her keep the dog because it resembles our love... I still love her so that's why she still has it. Plus I don't have time to take care of it... I know I am stupid and have still contacting her and fiinding excuses to talk to her... thanks for the feedback and please give me more input people... Also she only has a few friends back home

It sounds like you're expecting things to work out between you two. As much as it sucks, it's pretty clear she has made up her mind about ending the relationship. Whatever the reasons may be, she doesn't want to be together anymore and there isn't much you can do to "win" her back. You didn't do anything to her to break things off, she clearly just isn't feeling the same way anymore and wants independence. As hard as it is for me to say, let her go. If you continue to talk to her, it's only going to drag things on and cause more fights... give her the space she needs and move on with your own life. Start keeping yourself busy and of course do NC.

To me (I could very well be wrong) it sounds like you have the mentality "If I let her go, she'll come back after she realizes she was wrong or finds herself, etc etc and everything will be okay". And you could very well be right, but you can't take that as a given. Try not to think about the things you don't have control over... try to keep yourself busy, have fun, and try to not talk to her... it'll only make things worse.

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Originally Posted by efrancescoli

I let her keep the dog because it resembles our love...i still love her so thats why she still has it. plus i dont have time to take care of it...I know I am stupid and have still contacting her and fiinding excuses to talk to her...thanks for the feedback and please give me more input people...Also she only has a few friends back home

I know you're probably beating yourself up... you know you shouldn't contact her, yet you do anyway. You need to fight the urge... I suggest reading the NC sticky to get some tips. You really need NC right now. She has expressed her wishes and now you need to honor them. If you really think you will get back together, show her how strong you can be by not talking to her anymore. Prove to her that you are independent, and don't need to find an excuse to talk to her. If you start with that mentality, maybe you'll eventually realize yourself that you're better off alone than with a person who doesn't feel the same way you do. It sucks but you can't make someone fall back in love with you :(

Jmoon said it perfectly! Just think for yourself right now and find things to occupy your time. Who knows you might meet that special someone who is ready for you.

I know I have to stop talking to her.. its hard because I do not have my family close by like she does, and she became my best friend and girlfriend... I just do not see how someone could change their feelings in a matter of a month.. she had it really good with me, I treated her very well and her family notcied.. her mom would tell me that she hoped we dated for a long long time... it was a healthy relatiinship and we were happy... and yeah I am hoping that when she gets her life settled she sees what mistake she is making... I told her I was going to take this time for myself as well... but she was receptive when we met up of the idea of possibly working things out later... however, she did tell me that RIGHT NOW she just wants to be on her own to figure stuff out... thanks for the feedback and the more the better

She also told me that she still wants to be friends and that I could come see the dog whenever I want, because it is still under my name.. this just happened like almost 2 weeks ago, is it still too soon to determine anything?. she is stubbron as a bull as well... couldnt it be that she is really got too many things and when she gets them figured out there is a chance?

I know you're not just losing your girlfriend but your best friend as well. But you really need to stop focusing on HER and focus on YOU. Don't get me wrong, it sounds like you really care for this girl and you're a good guy. But you can't hang on her every word... you're waiting for her to make all the decisions and allowing yourself to get beat up in the process. Try to stop analyzing everything and focus on how to move forward as an individual. Stay true to your words and take this time for yourself. It'll be hard at first but each passing day it gets a little easier

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Originally Posted by efrancescoli

I know I have to stop talking to her..its hard because I do not have my family close by like she does, and she became my best friend and girlfriend...i just do not see how someone could change their feelings in a matter of a month..she had it really good with me, i treated her very well and her family notcied..her mom would tell me that she hoped we dated for a long long time...it was a healthy relatiinship and we were happy...and yeah I am hoping that when she gets her life settled she sees what mistake she is making...I told her I was going to take this time for myself as well...but she was receptive when we met up of the idea of possibly working things out later...however, she did tell me that RIGHT NOW she just wants to be on her own to figure stuff out...thanks for the feedback and the more the better

Sounds to me it had been festuring inside her for awhile before it came to a head and she told you. It is to bad she didn't try to communicate her feelings sooner. Now is the hard part, you need to move on and heal. Try to get involved in an activity where you can meet others, something you enjoy. It will get easier and eventually the hurt will go away as long as you don't keep opening the wound back up by communicating with her.

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Originally Posted by efrancescoli

she also told me that she still wants to be friends and that i could come see the god whenever I want, because it is still under my name..this just happened like almsot 2 weeks ago, is it still too soon to determine anything?...she is stubbron as a bull as well...couldnt it be that she is really got too many things and when she gets them figured out there is a chance?

No, she's stringing you along. She has complete control over you right now. She doesn't want to be together but she still wants a part of your relationship to remain. You can't be friends right after a breakup... it DOESN'T work. You have too many lingering feelings and you cannot be friends with her right now. If she wants space, then give her space and stop complying to her every wish.

I do care about her and want to be there for her.. but at the same time I made it clear to her that I don't want to be w anyone else right now... if I was, it would be her... I guess I still have hope because cpuple days after everything happened, she posted on one of her internet networking sites saying that"I am starting to regret her decision..I always do this to myself and in the end realize i did the right thing about it"... she has given her ex chances but they all let her down, they were mean and not nice... I don't know guys, I just really want her back in my life!

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Originally Posted by efrancescoli

I do care about her and want to be there for her..but at the same time i made it clear to her that i dont want to be w anyone else right now...if I was, it would be her...i guess i still have hope because cpuple days after everything happened, she posted on one of her internet networking sites saying that"I am starting to regret her decision..I always do this to myself and in the end realize i did the right thing about it"...she has given her ex chances but they all let her down, they were mean and not nice...i dont know guys, i just really want her back in my life!

Yes but there is NOTHING you can do to get her back into your life. SHE made the decision to end things not YOU. You have no control over how she feels nor the decisions she makes. You can always be hopeful, but you are taking it to a different level. She has things to figure out and decisions to make on her own, there is absolutely nothing you can do to put the decision in your favor. You really need to stop dwelling on this and realize that you have no control over this situation whatsoever unless you decide to start focusing on yourself and start the healing process.

Can I get some input from more people please, perhaps some more women that might understand how she is feeling from a female POV.. thank you!

There is such good advice for this thread. Its all so true. As hard as it is letting go you need to start. She doesn't want you around but in her words she is leading you to stay in this trap until she does want you again. Don't do it for your own good. Your going to be hurting worse in the end and to top it off looking like a fool.

I do appreciate all the advice and I am listening.. it is just that us males think rationally and women act on emotions.. thats why I asked for some female feedback if possible.. and what about people perhaps being confused, and scared... I would love to hear more women comment on my situation.. but thank you guys! God Bless!

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Originally Posted by efrancescoli

I do appreciate all the advice and I am listening..it is just that us males think rationally and women act on emotions..thats why i asked for some female feedback if possible..and what about people perhaps being confused, and scared....i would love to hear more women comment on my situation..but thank you guys! God Bless!

I hate to be like this, but it seems like you're thinking you'll get "better" advice based off whether someone is male or female. I will correct myself... you think you will get the advice that you WANT to hear, that your ex is scared that things are moving too fast, that she loves you so much but has to do this soul searching and doesn't want to hold you back in the process. You sound less receptive and more along the lines of waiting to hear what you want to hear. And to disprove your association between men thinking rationally and women thinking with their emotions... you aren't thinking rationally... you're thinking with your emotions. Sorry to disprove your theory.

I apologize if this came across harsh in any way, but you don't seem receptive to any actual advice right now.

Males think rationally? Females act on emotions? Where did you read that?

I am a male, and I act on emotions way more than I do on facts. Be careful not to generalize people into acting a certain way just to ease the reality of your situation. When it comes to love and heartbreak, rationality usually gets thrown out of the window.

I am a 36 year old woman. I still stand by all the advice given. We do act on emotions and sometimes over think things. But even if that were the case she is just confusing. She doesn't want you there and is telling you that. Do you want to be with her while she can't figure herself out? While she is maybe always going back and forth in her mind on what she wants? Give her the space and time she wants. Let her find herself. But don't waste your time while she is doing that. Its not fair to you.