Our daughter has just turned 14. She has ran away from home for the third time in 2 mounths, and is with her "boyfriend" who she loves madly. He is 19 nearly 20. We did a room search and found all of his letters to her. And letters she has written too. He is obviously really grooming her... lots of endless words about how much he loves her and will for ever and can't wait to see her etc, there's also a lot of pressure to have sex, and then there's the letters where they have had sex. She wants to have his baby. She has also been using drugs. I have been told by her friends they are having sex also. She will do anything to protect him and that includes running away, lying to the police and hating us. The police here in NZ say they can't do anything unless she confesses. (the letters etc aren't good enough). They have gone around to the guys house but that is all. We don't know what to do. 6 mounths ago she was a perfect daughter. Now she's someone quite different. She turned 14 two weeks ago. She's not attending school. What do we do and how do we help her? She hates us at the moment cause she thinks were trying to get him in trouble.

Many thanks.

I don't know NZ laws, but if they can't pursue her as a rape victim can they find her as a missing person?

If she is a minor, and he is a adult, kidnapping, she can not give consent to be with him and as a adult he can not have her in his custody legally.

If police will not do anything, go over their heads to ( what ever you have equal to our DA)

And then start going to the press, make a public issue of police neglect,

Then at least in the US, you can have her declared deliquent and actually have her locked up if needed.

Thank you so much for your answers, they really have helped :-)

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Originally Posted by kar_mar

Thankyou so much for your answers, they really have helped :-)

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If I were in your shoes I would handle things different, tell her you want to get to know the 20 year old boy friend, ask him about his expections with her, marriage, babies, jobs, house, or rent, all the bills with being married. Tell her the only way you can let this happen is if she goes to school and gets good grades, if she's in school she might meet someone her age.
Talking to him about all the adult stuff might scare him away. Being 20 and thinking about taking care of a 14 year girl friend might sound scaryn to him. Tell him everything would be his responsibility if they had a baby. It's kind of like reverseing the problems on him, she wouldn't be your problem any more his, he will change his mind. This kind of happened to my daughter, she did get pregnant, now he's gone, he left after he found out the baby was a girl and not a boy. He couldn't afford to feed himself little lone my daughter and a baby. My daughter finally seen the light, starting school, taking care of a baby isn't easy, being pregnant at 14 - 20 isn't easy. Something are worth trying it just took my daughter finding out he was also having sex with 3 other girls. Finding out he was lying all the time. And really never had any intentions about taking care of her, he told her to get a job. He was such a looser now all his friends see it too, he parties has sex with who ever and has no respect form anyone. Good luck! You need it! But be strong and don't give in, I did a few times and it got my daughter hurt more, than if I would have tried this first.

Wendystoney thanks, we were thinking that way today also, sort of like the minute you agree with something they soon get bored cause it doesn't have the whole rebellious sort of thing behind it... I think we might try this. (Her dad will have a hard time though, will have to grit his teeth alot)... sorry to hear you been through it too.

First I assume that NZ means New Zealand. The age of consent in New Zealand is 16. So any sexual activity between the two is illegal.

I think you need to go to the local prosecutor's office rather than the police. I'm not sure how NZ law works, but if this predator has encouraged your daughter to run away with him, which there seems to be ample proof of, then that would seem to be illegal. I really find it hard to believe that the police would not step in here.

This guy is a pedophile!! And I can't understand your local police not dealing with that.

I urge you to pursue all legal possibilities before you consider the suggestion Wendy made. This freak belongs in jail. I understand the reverse psychology tactic, but from what you have said, this guy knows the ropes. I would not be surprised if your daughter wasn't the first underage girl he's had sex with. If you try this lets be nice to him crap I think its going to backfire.

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Originally Posted by wendystoney

if i were in your shoes i would handle things different, ....

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Are you serious?? A 19 yr old having sex with a 13 yr old is a pedophile!! He's likely a predator who will use up kar_mar's daughter and throw her away when she gets older. Sorry but your advice is very bad In my opinion.

I will also point out that kar_mar posted this in the Other Law forum. Therefore, answers need to deal with the legal issues, not relationship ones. While your response might have been approipriate in the Parenting forum, it was NOT appropriate here. Please pay attention to the forum questions are posted in.

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Originally Posted by wendystoney

if i were in your shoes i would handle things different, tell her you want to get to know the 20 year old boy friend, ask him about his expections with her, marrage, babies, jobs, house, or rent, all the bills with being married. tell her the only way you can let this happen is if she goes to school and gets good grades, if she's in school she might meet someone her age.
talking to him about all the adult stuff might scare him away. being 20 and thinking about taking care of a 14 year girl friend might sound scaryn to him. tell him everything would be his responsibility if they had a baby. it's kind of like reverseing the problems on him, she wouldn't be your problem any more his, he will change his mind. this kind of happened to my daughter, she did get pregnant, now he's gone, he left after he found out the baby was a girl and not a boy. he couldn't afford to feed himself little lone my daughter and a baby. my daughter finally seen the light, starting school, taking care of a baby isn't easy, being pregnant at 14 - 20 isn't easy. some thing are worth trying it just took my daughter finding out he was also having sex with 3 other girls. finding out he was lieing all the time. and really never had any intentions about taking care of her, he told her to get a job. he was such a looser now all his friends see it too, he parties has sex with who ever and has no respect form anyone. good luck! you need it! but be strong and don't give in, i did a few times and it got my daughter hurt more, than if i would of tried this first.

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Sometimes I can't believe what my eyes are seeing - this is one of those times. This is the law board, not the relationship board, not the "this is what I would do" board.

This guy is committing rape, is a pedophile, and any "reverse psychology" (unless you yourself ARE a psychologist) is totally inappropriate, ill advised and very possibly harmful.

Sometimes I think the parents should be jailed right along with the rapist because they show so little insight/intelligence/common sense.

Wendystone herself a parent been through this is entitled to her opinion, as I said this approach has even crossed our minds, (it is what our daughter wants).. she hates us for wanting to get this guy and that hate she has is causing her to run away and put her own life in even more danger! And believe it or not even the local CYPS (children yound persons service here in New Zealand) said "well you get girls that prefer older guys, and maybe we should sit down with the guy, maybe he's a bit immature for his age or something! We couldn't believe it they didn't seem to even care and were looking more at us as parents and why she didn't want to come home.We also see this guy as nothing more than a sicko who we want to get hold of.. But with opinions like that from agents like CYPS its not surprising to be confused! Especially when the police say that they can't do anything until our daughter confesses they have had sex.. alll our evidence (letters from him to her and vice versa) is nothing to them.. it is ridiculous! Because she is only a child and she needs to be protected and of course she isn't going to say anything.

We found our daughter (after a bit of a chase) and she is still refusing to come home and mad with us, but thank goodness is staying with a family we know, the father is a social worker :-) So that's a big relief. I think what we need to do is to see a lawyer definitely!

Thank you so much.

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(it is what our daughter wants)

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This part of your post really scares me. At 14 who cares what she wants? By law she cannot run off to live with a 19 year old adult. He is in fact committing rape and kidnapping. I can't believe that the police and social workers are not taking this seriously. If you can't charge him with rape because you can't prove they've had sex then at least you can charge him with kidnapping.

You really need to go above their heads and get your child away from this predator. She can be angry all she wants, she's not old enough to make this kind of decision, you as her parents have to do everything in your power to protect her.

She can forgive you when she's old enough to realize that you did what was best, right now you have to get her away from this man, he belongs in jail along with the other sexual predators.

No one denies Wendy is entitled to her opinion. That doesn't means it's a good opinion. Judy and I are entitled to our opinions as well. And as you can see our opinions are that this guy is a predator and a pedophile.

I think consulting an attorney is a good idea. An attorney can research the law both statute and case law. They can advise who to go to to use the force of law against this freak.

I would also report the person at CYPS to their supervisor. Such agencies are supposed to have the safety of children as their uppermost goal. I think the attitude displayed was unprofessional and irresponsible.

I again urge you to pursue all legal means to deal with this before you try embracing the relationship as way of trying to get her back.

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Originally Posted by Altenweg

This part of your post really scares me. At 14 who cares what she wants?

She can forgive you when she's old enough to realize that you did what was best, right now you have to get her away from this man, he belongs in jail along with the other sexual predators.

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We agree... That is how we have been, we see it as we are protecting her, she doesn't understand that at the moment but will one day definitely. As the police etc aren't taking any action we will be seeing a lawyer for advice, I think that is the best thing we can do. I am so glad I came here for advice because it helped me to know I/we as a family (she also has 2 older brothers) are in the right for wanting to protect our daughter. Despite what the law won't do! Its going to be a long battle ahead but I won't be giving in!

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Originally Posted by kar_mar

I am so glad I came here for advice because it helped me to know I/we as a family (she also has 2 older brothers) are in the right for wanting to protect our daughter. Despite what the law wont do! Its going to be a long battle ahead but I wont be giving in!

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EXACTLY!!

Please keep us posted and our prayers go with you.

Thank you SO MUCH!

All really appretiated.

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Originally Posted by kar_mar

Wendystone herself a parent been through this is entitled to her opinion, as I said this approach has even crossed our minds, (it is what our daughter wants).. she hates us for wanting to get this guy and that hate she has is causing her to run away and put her own life in even more danger! and believe it or not even the local CYPS (children yound persons service here in New Zealand) said "well you get girls that prefer older guys, and maybe we should sit down with the guy, maybe hes a bit immature for his age or something! We couldnt believe it they didnt seem to even care and were looking more at us as parents and why she didnt want to come home.We also see this guy as nothing more than a sicko who we want to get hold of.. But with opinions like that from agents like CYPS its not surprising to be confused! Especially when the police say that they can't do anything untill our daughter confesses they have had sex..alll our evidence (letters from him to her and vice versa) is nothing to them..it is ridiculous!! Because she is only a child and she needs to be protected and of course she isnt going to say anything.

We found our daughter (after a bit of a chase) and she is still refusing to come home and mad with us, but thank goodness is staying with a family we know, the father is a social worker :-) So thats a big relief. I think what we need to do is to see a lawyer definatly!

Thankyou so much.

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I never said "Wendy" isn't entitled to her opinion BUT this is a legal board. You have been advised of your options by law.

Any other advice is of a "personal" or "relationship" nature and that is the board where it belongs.

It sounds like you are in a smart, safe place - consult with an Attorney.

I will say that Wendy while she can have an opinion, she is not suppose to be putting non legal comments on the legal board.

That is why we had issues.

With that said, to be honest, I am sorry, found her and could not make her come home??
I am sorry while could you not "make" her

I completely understand your comments.

Fr_Chuck Im not sure if I understand your question?

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Originally Posted by kar_mar

Wendystoney thanks, we were thinking that way today also, sort of like the minute you agree with something they soon get bored cause it doesnt have the whole rebellious sort of thing behind it...I think we might try this. (Her dad will have a hard time though, will have to grit his teeth alot)...sorry to hear you been through it too.

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We never got a book on how to raise our kids and what problems might happen, all we can do as parents is try, make sure our kids know we love them, and want the best for them. I've been told god won't give us anything we can't handle, so good luck, let me know how it works for you. I got a granddaughter out of the deal she has no daddy, but I wouldn't give her up for anything in the world, she was sent to us for a reason, maybe to show my daughter how her wonderful boy friend really was, ( A LOOSER )

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Originally Posted by kar_mar

We agree...That is how we have been, we see it as we are protecting her, she doesnt understand that at the moment but will one day definatly. As the police etc arent taking any action we will be seeing a lawyer for advice, I think that is the best thing we can do. I am so glad I came here for advice because it helped me to know I/we as a family (she also has 2 older brothers) are in the right for wanting to protect our daughter. Despite what the law wont do! Its going to be a long battle ahead but I wont be giving in!

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If you do try and keep her from him you may loose her forever. She thinks she in love, because of what she is hearing from him. I've seen this several times, one time she may run away and won't be able to find her, you have tried telling her what and how you feel she don't care she young and thinks she knows everything. If the guy thinks he is going to have to start paying and taking care of her, he just might do an about face. The law don't always work, I've tried, kids are smarter than we think. Talk to your daughter what she wants out of life, a baby at 16, living in an apartment with a guy who is out with his friends drinking all night, she can't go she's to young, maybe taking care of a baby, he comes home when ever he feels like it. All she does is cook clean, laundry, and take care of a baby, also there are so many std's she may need to get checked out, 6 out of 10 young adults have some kind of std. all he is doing is using her for awhile till he finds another one to use. If she don't talk the cops can't do anything unless she does end up pregnant, and if you do get them involved she will hate you forever and probably run away again and again. Good luck!