Ask Me Help Desk - Frustration has taken over.

Me and my girlfriend were together for ten months and then we broke up. She slept with someone and fell hard for them 4 days after we broke up, yet started talking to him right before we broke up since she worked with him. The break up took place May 28th the day after my birthday. This guy was the worst guy in the world, provided nothing for her as he cheated on his g/f at the time to be with her, had a suspended license, no place to live. The only thing he had was his job. Well long story short within two and a half months he screwed her over and slept with her best friend and two co workers. They broke up, while we were broken up we still talked roughly every other day, still said I love you and miss you, even though she stated she fell in love with this guy to. I dated two girls while we were apart and neither worked out since I could not get over her. After they broke up, she started dating another guy who came to her bar every night. He as well turned out to be a loser and a joke. She ended up dumping him and then we got back together September 12th. I love her I really do and I want things to work out, yet she continues to make this hard on us. Finally Saturday we broke up again. She has been texting me and calling saying she loves me and wants to be with me. She is going through a lot with everything and wants to treat me right yet she has all these emotional turmoils she is dealing with right now. On top of things we had slept together again after we got back together, yet then for three weeks every time I attempted to she would say she could not handle it emotionally. I have played the role of an idiot lately, as I buy her everything, take her on vacations, loan her large amounts of money. She is irresponsible with so many things in her life. This may be because of her age since she is 20 and I am 23. I have a future as I start law school this fall, she wants to work on a future but is so scattered she does not know what she wants. I hate her job as it makes me more jealous daily, she does bar cocktail and works like 7 at night until 4 in the morning with these scuzzy old guys hitting and groping her all night. On top of things the second boyfriend while we were broken up still frequents the bar, texts her and harasses her, yet she does nothing about it. She says she wants one month to get everything back to normal so she can treat me how she used to and how I deserve to be treated. Yet how can you tell someone who you love for over a year, and have said you want to marry that you need to figure out how to get everything back to normal, she swears she does not want to date anyone else, and still wants to talk daily and see each other, yet she does not want any physical or emotional behavior for the next month to figure things out. I am someone who has never had a problem getting any girls but for some reason I can't get over her, I am so stuck in love with her it hurts. I am so lost and don't have any idea what to do or say anymore. Please help me before I truly lose my mind! Thank you all so much!

Ok I'm 20 too.. and I even will not do the things this girl is doing.. She knows you love her and that you give into her.. This is not a healthy relationship. You are to her a comfort zone that she knows she can fall back on. I mean come on you took her back after she dumped you for two scum bags!

Move on. You have way more to offer a girl who is more deserving of it! There should be no time limit for her to decide what she wants with you. She is stringing you along man. You do not need to worry yourself with that anymore.. I know its easier said than done though because when you see her cry over the jerks and get upset and need you, you can't help but rescue her from the pain... but trust me she knows what she's doing! Being a girl I know that we all have that one guy that we consider the safe one the one who will always be around to pick us up. I admit that I do not do that anymore.. I have since grown up.

Bottom line- Move on. Don't be her doormat anymore. Realize that you deserve someone who will fully appreciate everything you bring to a relationship and will not need a trial separation and the attention of other men to confirm her feelings for you!

She's emotionally unstable and doesn't know what she wants... find someone who does

As I said I agree with what bueatifuldiva said.

Your life is at a hault, waiting and waiting for a girl who is so confused, doesn't know what she wants, don't let her have the cake and eat it all.

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Originally Posted by lawstudent27

Me and my girlfriend were together for ten months and then we broke up. She slept with someone and fell hard for them 4 days after we broke up, yet started talking to him right before we broke up since she worked with him.

She slept with him before you broke up. She also broke up with you for him. So this is your first clue that she isn't a great person. Your lucky to be rid of her.

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Originally Posted by lawstudent27

This guy was the worst guy in the world, provided nothing for her as he cheated on his g/f at the time to be with her, had a suspended license, no place to live. The only thing he had was his job.

This guy is not the worst guy in the world. He just happened to be at the right place and right time for you ex-girlfriend to cheat on you and leave you for. Regardless if she never met him, she was going to find someone like him and cheat on you.

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Originally Posted by lawstudent27

Well long story short within two and a half months he screwed her over and slept with her best friend and two co workers. They broke up, while we were broken up we still talked roughly every other day, still said I love you and miss you, even though she stated she fell in love with this guy to.

Get the movie Swingers. There's a part in that movie were the character Jon Favreau keeps calling this woman and leaving messages on her answering machine. Your above statement reminds me of that. She cheated on, left you for another guy and you kept hanging on looking for scraps.

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Originally Posted by lawstudent27

I dated two girls while we were apart and neither worked out since I could not get over her.

You never allowed yourself the opportunity to get over her.

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Originally Posted by lawstudent27

After they broke up, she started dating another guy who came to her bar every night. He as well turned out to be a loser and a joke. She ended up dumping him and then we got back together September 12th. I love her I really do and I want things to work out, yet she continues to make this hard on us.

Well I have no dought she makes things hard, you continue to ask for it. Your hanging on when you should be letting go. The sad part is she doesn't care for you at all. She's using you.

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Originally Posted by lawstudent27

Finally saturday we broke up again. She has been texting me and calling saying she loves me and wants to be with me. She is going through a lot with everything and wants to treat me right yet she has all these emotional turmoils she is dealing with right now. On top of things we had slept together again after we got back together, yet then for three weeks every time I attempted to she would say she could not handle it emotionally.

That's because she just wants attention and gifts but no sex. She' not interested in you sexually or romantically. She just wants your attention.

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Originally Posted by lawstudent27

I have played the role of an idiot lately, as I buy her everything, take her on vacations, loan her large amounts of money.

Stop it. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP IT.

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Originally Posted by lawstudent27

She is irresponsible with so many things in her life.

She's not the only one. Your irresponsible with your heart and emotions.

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Originally Posted by lawstudent27

I hate her job as it makes me more jealous daily, she does bar cocktail and works like 7 at night til 4 in the morning with these scuzzy old guys hitting and groping her all night. On top of things the second boyfriend while we were broken up still frequents the bar, texts her and harasses her, yet she does nothing about it.

Because she likes it. She gets attention. That is what she is after. It doesn't matter who it comes from.

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Originally Posted by lawstudent27

She says she wants one month to get everything back to normal so she can treat me how she used to and how I deserve to be treated. Yet how can you tell someone who you love for over a year, and have said you want to marry that you need to figure out how to get everything back to normal, she swears she does not want to date anyone else, and still wants to talk daily and see each other, yet she does not want any physical or emotional behavior for the next month to figure things out.

Yeah she wants another month of free gifts and attention.

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Originally Posted by lawstudent27

I am someone who has never had a problem getting any girls but for some reason I can't get over her, I am so stuck in love with her it hurts. I am so lost and don't have any idea what to do or say anymore. Please help me before I truly lose my mind! Thank you all so much!

Dude, you're the nice guy. That's just what I was told when I first started posting here and I realize that it sucks to hear it but it's true. She's using you and the worst part is you allow her to. You must stop now. Get rid of her. You've got bigger and better things going on in your life and with law school coming you've got to worry about that not this girl.

Chuff couldn't spread the love... but hey great post :)

Reading chuff's post there is nothing else to do but move on ABSOLUTELY NO COTACT. Cry if you have to but at least get your dignity back from this player.

Totally agreed with everyone here! There is no reason you should give this girl another moment of your time... and if you ask me, she's not even worth a single tear... sorry harsh but she's played you bigtime.

Guys thanks so much, this whole situation just absolutely sucks, I have been ignoring her and not answering her calls or texts, then I picked up the phone today and she kept trying to explain and every time I said something she would rebuttle it saying how I was wrong and that she didn't do that or anything. She said that she wants us to work out she just needs to realize how to treat me better. I said forget that its not worth it to me. I don't get it though why does she keep calling and stringing me along. How can I just get over her, and not think of her or her bs anymore. I have everything I need, I get hit on more that any of the people around me and when we go out I have no problem getting any girl, yet for some reason I can't seem to get over the one who is treating me so bad. She said she just needs this time to figure things out and then we will be fine, she said I swear to God I won't date anyone else just please promise the same. I don't buy it for one second though. I just wish she would stop texting me that she loves me and wants us to be together, I have told her I can't take it please just stop and leave me alone but she won't. It is like she is tormenting me on purpose just to break me down even more, like she doesn't care. You guys all rock on your advice and have broken it down quite nicely I honestly realize everything you guys say and understand what you mean by it. I just am having trouble understanding how to make it happen. How to get over her and just move away from all the stuff. I honestly can't let my grades or sleep, or appetite suffer any longer because everything seems to remind me of her. My only refuge is the three hours a day I spend in the gym, yet even there I am so convoluted and confused that I just seem to wonder now. I have been thinking more and more of leaving Florida and just up and moving to Boston, taking a semester off and restarting my life up there, yet I feel so bad about running away from my life and family down here. I just am honestly lost more and more every day and can't figure anything out anymore, I just don't understand what's left or where to pick up the pieces.. Sorry for the long post again guys but thanks for putting up my questions and pathetic statements!

Move on Dude.

"She slept with someone and fell hard for them 4 days after we broke up" NOPE - she had been seeing this guy for a while - BELIEVE ME!!

You're what we call I nthe dating scene "A Sucker" - sorry to be blunt but, YOU NEED TO LEARN FROM THIS.

She only 20 - she's a player. She's going through her wild girl stge that may last another 5 years.

Get some reality in your life over this gal. Wake up!! This is not a fantasy.

She doesn't want to be with you - YOU'RE BUYING HER AFFECTION!! Yuck!!

Please - end all contact with this player and move on!! YES - she is completely using you.

Ok you need to work on you mister! =)
The only reason she is getting to you the way she is, is because you are letting her!
Realize that you deserve better and that she is just not good enough for you! (thats harsh but honestly if she was you would work it out)
DO NOT TALK TO HER AT ALL!
In the mean time take up one of these other girls offers, keep yourself busy with something
Do you have hobbies?
Do you like sports?
Realize that there is more to life then her!
You sound like a very interesting guy who has a trusting heart and I'm telling you you are going to meet a girl who totally loves and appreciate that about you!
Stop trying to sale yourself short!!
There ARE NO MORE PIECES TO PICK UP!
they are too shattered to death!
All you have to do now is sweep them and throw them away and take care of you for a while!
YOU CAN DO IT!

Just always remember how badly she's treated you. USED YOU.

Moving would help a lot. Seriosuly - if you can - dot it.

Lose her #. You can actually block out text. Disapper from her life.

Lear nfrom this. DOn't let a woman walk all over you. You MUST be the prize - you HER the prize - pedestal - she used and abused you.

Yeah I do have various hobbies and stuff I do. I work out each day for hours plus I have a crotch rocket (motorcycle) which I take out to south beach all the time, I also mountain bike even though we don't have mountains in south Florida.. lol. I am very active and am crazy with doing new adventures and different things. I am very active with baseball as I played throughout high school and decided not to do the college thing because of how unreliable playing in college is and just better to focus on school. I still workout baseball wise weekly as well as I still pitch and keep my arm in throwing shape. The thing that sucks it just going around town and doing all my stuff I continue to think of her, that's what I want to stop. I thought going to the gym and riding and stuff and just doing things would help me, dating other girls never helps as I have gone through them and just keep thinking of her. That is what I need now to get her off my mind, as repetitive and stupid as that sounds, none of the things seem to help, or will they it just now takes time?

Well if you are doing everything you can, It might just be that it does take some time. I mean you went through a lot with this girl and I know its easy for everyone in here to say to you "just get over her" but you have to realize that it's the best thing for you. I mean it seems like you're still stuck on her and your mind chooses only to remember the good times... (which is fooling you because those 'good times' meant nothing compared towhat she did to you) Remember how you felt when she was with other guys.

But I get how you feel.. u WANT to believe her u WANT to be there for her and maybe she will change. Don't BUY IT ANYMORE! It may be true, she may truly change... but do you want to take that chance of having your heart stomped on again? And isn't it too little too late for this girl! She has to realize she can't treat men this way! YOU are NOT her play toy she can keep coming back to when these other dudes don't work out!! She's in for a RUDE awakeining if she thinks that it's OK to be this kind of girlfriend!!

Seriously guy, please realize that you are better then this! The only thing you are not comparing to these other girls when with them is the fact that they haven't hurt you like she did.. I think you may be chosing to leave that part out of the scenario!

Aren't you MAD?? Lol Do you really want to subject yourself to that pain again?? Do you want to keep letting her have the control!!

TAKE IT BACK! Take your life back and your emotions! Please for your sanity just continue to progress in getting over her... It sounds like you are doing well it may take a little while longer but you will get there I have no doubts!!

GOOD LUCK TO YOU! :)

This was a fun gal. Just not someone you want to be together long term. Learn from the mistakes - don't let another women do this to you.

She used you. Learn from this.

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Originally Posted by lawstudent27

guys thanks so much, this whole situation just absolutely sucks, I have been ignoring her and not answering her calls or texts, then I picked up the phone today and she kept trying to explain and everytime I said something she would rebuttle it saying how I was wrong and that she didn't do that or anything.

She’s lying. She’s totally 100% lying and she’s totally 100% wrong. Why are you even taking her calls? You’ve got to quit talking to her if you ever intend on getting over her. Your happiness tomorrow starts by ignoring her today.

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Originally Posted by lawstudent27

She said that she wants us to work out she just needs to realize how to treat me better. I said forget that its not worth it to me. I don't get it though why does she keep calling and stringing me along.

Because you allow her too. Believe me I’ve been there. I’ve been where you at thinking to myself that she’ll come around. But she won’t. She’s not going to. That’s who she is. Plus even if she did, which she’s not, she still CHEATED ON YOU!! Kick that girl to the curb.

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Originally Posted by lawstudent27

How can I just get over her, and not think of her or her bs anymore. I have everything I need, I get hit on more that any of the people around me and when we go out I have no problem getting any girl, yet for some reason I can't seem to get over the one who is treating me so bad.

I think you can’t get over her for the reason you’ve mentioned. You can’t have her. You’ve created this ideal in your mind and it’s just not reality. But you’re having a hard time getting your mind to accept that. It doesn’t help that you keep hanging on.

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Originally Posted by lawstudent27

She said she just needs this time to figure things out and then we will be fine, she said I swear to God I wont date anyone else just please promise the same. i don't buy it for one second though.

Good. Because she’s lying. She’s a lying cheat. I hate her and I don’t know her. I wish you would too.

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Originally Posted by lawstudent27

I just wish she would stop texting me that she loves me and wants us to be together, I have told her I can't take it please just stop and leave me alone but she won't.

Dude, are you serious? You’re telling her “please just stop and leave me alone.” If you tell anybody to leave you alone don’t ask nicely. Tell this lying, using, cheating to F off. She hasn’t done one thing for you but use you.

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Originally Posted by lawstudent27

It is like she is tormenting me on purpose just to break me down even more, like she doesn't care.

It’s not “like” she’s tormenting you on purpose. SHE IS TORMENTING YOU ON PURPOSE. It’s not “like” she doesn’t care, she doesn’t give a damn about you. She could care less. She doesn’t care.

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Originally Posted by lawstudent27

You guys all rock on your advice and have broken it down quite nicely I honestly realize everything you guys say and understand what you mean by it. I just am having trouble understanding how to make it happen.

Step one is to quit talking to her. Your road to recovering begins there. She knows it too which is why she is telling you to give her a month. Plus she wants free gifts with no sex. Again, I hate her. Why don’t you.

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Originally Posted by lawstudent27

How to get over her and just move away from all the stuff. I honestly can't let my grades or sleep, or appetite suffer any longer because everything seems to remind me of her.

Dude from Miami, if you can afford it drive up to Daytona or Cocoa or Orlando or even just up to WPB for a day. Get our of your surroundings. Try something different. Even if you don’t do anything just put new visuals in your head. There’s so much to do in Florida. People everywhere should be so lucky. Try something new and don’t be afraid to try something by yourself.

[QUOTE=lawstudent27]

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Originally Posted by lawstudent27

My only refuge is the three hours a day i spend in the gym, yet even there I am so convoluted and confused that I just seem to wonder now.

Yes. Your working out. Awesome. In the past when I’ve had some bad days or trying to get over someone this was my only refuge as well. There’s something about working out that is all yours. You control your own destiny in the gym and nobody else can touch you there. If she’s on your mind there may I recommend you get on a Stairmaster or elliptical machine and just go. Seriously just go until you get so tired you have to stop. If your in really good shape wait about 30 minutes and get back on again and just go again. This does several things. One, it completely puts all you focus back on you. Two, it wears you out to the point you so tired that hopefully you’ll sleep really well. And third it gets a lot of stress out. Although I’ve never been a runner there is a point I reach on the elliptical machine that I believe is the equivalent of a “runner’s high.’ Try it and see if you can get there. Even if you can’t try just wearing yourself out. Don’t talk to her for a couple of weeks and go hard on these machines and you’ll be feeling better. I’m not saying she won’t pop up in your mind but you’ll be feeling better.

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Originally Posted by lawstudent27

I have been thinking more and more of leaving Florida and just up and moving to Boston, taking a semester off and restarting my life up there, yet I feel so bad about running away from my life and family down here. I just am honestly lost more and more every day and can't figure anything out anymore, I just don't understand whats left or where to pick up the pieces..

I don’t know. If you can getting out of your surrounding for a while would be a great idea. It will make it easier to move on. That being said, I hate to see you stop your life for this woman. I do know you’ve got to STOP TALKING TO HER. Quit answering her phone. Quit texting her. Quit emailing her. When you do that you only give her power and she knows it. My guess is that if you just stopped talking to her this would get so much better for you rather quickly.

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Originally Posted by lawstudent27

Sorry for the long post again guys but thanks for putting up my questions and pathetic statements!

I’m not going to lie some do sound pathetic but your still young. Some of your actions also work great on television when you watch dramas but never translate into the real world. Always stay in reality. I’m way older than you and just figuring this out. I’ve been beating myself up but then I realize some people always remain this way. I think of some of the things I’ve done or said now and just cringe. But you know what. I’m learning from it. You can too. Use this situation as a learning tool. Tell yourself something like, “yeah she got the best of me in the short term, but the joke will be on her because in the long term it was her that caused a great change in me and allowed me the opportunity to grow and change. She’ll always be like that.” That gives you permission to grow and move on and it gives you leverage over the thoughts you have of her.

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Originally Posted by lawstudent27

Yeah I do have various hobbies and stuff I do. I work out each day for hours plus I have a crotch rocket (motorcycle) which I take out to south beach all the time, I also mountain bike even though we don't have mountains in south florida..lol. I am very active and am crazy with doing new adventures and different things. I am very active with baseball as I played throughout high school and decided not to do the college thing because of how unreliable playing in college is and just better to focus on school. I still workout baseball wise weekly as well as I still pitch and keep my arm in throwing shape. The thing that sucks it just going around town and doing all my stuff I continue to think of her, thats what I want to stop. I thought going to the gym and riding and stuff and just doing things would help me, dating other girls never helps as I have gone through them and just keep thinking of her. That is what I need now to get her off my mind, as repetitive and stupid as that sounds, none of the things seem to help, or will they it just now takes time?

What did she do for you to make her so valuable to you ?

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Originally Posted by Gillion

What did she do for you to make her so valuable to you ?

I was about to ask the same question myself. Then after a little thought I realised that a lot of this was done in his own mind and she picked up on it and drove the van to the bank. Very unbalanced relationship and unhealthy.

The three year age difference doesn't justify the difference in maturity levels. You've obviously worked hard to be where you are, not just anyone sets their goals for law school, you have to have a serious work ethic for that. She doesn't. You're her bread and butter and she doesn't want to lose that, hey, who would.

She's not the one for you, please do yourself a huge favor and don't spend any more time on her. Don't spend anymore anything on her. You have realized that she's using you, what is it about yourself that makes you think you're not worthy of more? Are you afraid of finding someone who may actually be your equal? Equal in compassion, honesty, loyalty and responsible.

Excellent post by Chuff, I'd take it to heart.

Doormat no more!

So I have been checking in on this ever so often throughout my day here at college, to answer a few of the most recent posts. I guess you could compare her to cocaine as weird of a statement as that is, she gives me a high. Throughout my relationships, like stated I dated around heavily, then finally plunged myself into one person for more than a month, so she became my everything. I think and this may be totally off base, but the hardest reason to get over her was lack of closure when we broke it off the first time, the day after my birthday. I was left asking questions, and to be honest I stick around to try and help her, I guess I have assumed that role now. I continually thought I could help her get better or do better or want to achieve more things. I have now realized you can't make people change in all honesty you can't even remotely help them, they have to want and do it for themselves. I am honestly taking every bit of advice you all have offered me and am slowly realizing it will just take time at this point. Things will never change no matter how positive you believe and although you can have faith in a relationship, it doesn't work if that is geared to a one way attempt at making things work. I don't want to believe she was in it for the money (as you all know that does nothing for my ego but destroy it) but actions do speak louder than words. To be nice when you want or need or get something but turn like a rabid dog is another. I want to date other people but feel I should not jump back into the pool as I am not ready, although it will help get over her, it could hurt other girls and I just don't feel right doing that. I love the advice about working out harder and harder to forget things that rocks, I hit weights so hard until I feel the most intense pain while this has gotten me down, I guess it stems from the phrase what doesn't break you will only make you stronger. Its funny though I have been rereading the statements and even stuff I have said and wow does it stem as pathetic in nature which is honestly something I have never been. My ego has never let me be, but I feel like it is true that it is something out of a TV drama. Well back to class, thanks again guys!

I have been where you are, a few times! :) I am reading my own life! Hehe But it does take some time, but in that time you are doing the work you need to. I agree that you need to get out of your element, like go to Orlando, there is plenty to do there! I used to live there! :) But while ou ar thinking about her... you are creating new memories. Doing the same things you normally do, just change them up a bit... do something just slightly different to create the new memories. I hope this is making sense! You are doing the right thing. ANd don't think you are less or your ego shouldn't be busted... this problem isn't about you... its about her and you allowing it. Why didn't I listen to myself when I was 23?? Haha You are learning the hard way, early in your life... good for you!