Ask Me Help Desk - Lost in my relationship

My boyfriend of 5 years recently asked me to marry him. We're both 21 (I know we're young). He currently lives in another state for college.

However, a few weeks ago, he asked me a question about my past that he did not know. I told him the truth and he called off the engagement. He knows that I had sex with one other person besides him. The new info I told him was that I had also given oral sex to another guy who I was not in a relationship with months before I met him. Now he can't even look at me. He feels like our whole relationship was based on a lie. He feels like he is "that guy" or a rebound guy. He feels like everyone is laughing at him. He told me that I ruined his perception of all women and that I deceived him by having an innocent image. He said I am not gold, but copper plated gold. He called me a slut and that I'm not that great of a person. He says that I am not the type of woman he wants, but I am the one that he needs. He is really making me feel worthless and I am starting to wonder if I even deserve him.

He has been with 2 other women prior to meeting me, virgins I think. And he slept with another when we were temporarily broken up to get back at me for sleeping with that guy more than a year before I met him.

Recently he told me that he still loved me and that were still engaged, but I was only allowed to call him by his nickname (no pet names and not even his full name). I am not allowed to do anything for him (cook, pay for things because he doesn't have a job). He told me I can't even touch him. He just wants me to act like his friend. This summer, he's coming back here and he doesn't even see himself spending any time with me.

I don't know how to make him feel better. I feel like I have been the best person that I can be and he is using my past against me. He doesn't even feel like I'm genuine anymore. He feels like I changed only so he wouldn't leave me and not for myself. I don't know if I should just end the relationship or not because he doesn't believe in it anymore and I feel he is only still here because he says he loves me. I am scared he is going to bring this back years later and we'll be in the same position we're in now.

I would really appreciate any advice.

Thanks

He shows all the signs of an abusive husband in the making! You need to stay away from this man and find someone who will treat you with respect! Don't put up with this, there are many other fish in the see and you deserve to be treated better! Emotional abuse is just as if not more painful and destructive than physical abuse!

"He has been with 2 other women prior to meeting me, virgins i think. and he slept with another when we were temporarily broken up to get back at me for sleeping with that guy more than a year before i met him."

He is also a hypocrite and has double standards! Not all guys are like this you can be happy single and wait to find a guy who deserves you!

He sounds extremely controlling. Even if you do make him feel better, it will only last temporarily. It's his personality the problem, not what you did in the past.

Forget what you did in the past. You need to analyze his personality as a whole. Is this the type of guy want to spend the rest of your life with?

I wonder how the other girls managed to run away from him.

I usually try to give both parties the benefit of the doubt, but if what you say is true (and don't be offended, many people exaggerate and even lie on these fora) then you are better off getting out of this situation as soon as you can.

The sad part is, you probably will cling on to him because you lack respect for yourself. I hate to see this happen, because ultimately you will only allow yourself to be abused, in many different ways.

I really hope to see a new post from you in a couple weeks or months telling us about how you got away from him, you're doing fine, you've moved on, and he is leaving you alone. I doubt that will happen so perfectly, though.

Do not be afraid to go to your family and friends for help, or if things escalate do not hesitate to contact emergency services. I won't assume that he is an abusive person, but he does exhibit the extreme insecurity that is present in almost all abusers.

Get out while you still can.

~ Tee

Quote:

I don't know how to make him feel better

You can't, but you can get this lowlife, immature, controlling, creep out of your life, as he is already disrespecting you to the point of emotional abuse, and no way is there that much love in the world for you to be putting up with his BS!

Love yourself because he sure doesn't.