Ask Me Help Desk - What IS his deal?

Hey all,

Recently, a guy I was seeing broke NC after about 2 months. We were never official, but ended things after I confessed my feelings had gotten strong and he didn't feel the same way. I was doing sooooooooo well - no calls, texts, seeing each other, nothing. And he comes out of the cold blue one day, contacts me and here I am a huge effin' mess all over once more.

I won't lie, my heart leapt as I caught sight of the e-mail after 2 months - it was the innocent "hey, how's it goin'" banter. We then began chatting a little more online, small talk conversation about how things have been lately and whatnot. It then turns more into him complimenting me and slowly into him asking when we're going to hang out again. He also mentions that he thinks of visiting me from time to time because my work is on the way home from his work. Claims he doesn't want to bother me though, and that it may not be a good idea if he did see me because he may develop "crazy urges" all over. Didn't think much of it.

A few days later we're chatting again and not even two minutes into conversation he asks about my dating life and of course it's non-existent as I've been trying desperately to mend myself. (of course I did not tell him the latter) I just told him nothing's been going on in the dating life, not really interested in anyone in particular. I shared a story about a date-gone-wrong and he of course asks about the specifics. I found it a little odd he became so interested but long story short, it basically turned into how I still had feelings for him.

He of course can't understand why I feel the way I do towards him. Then he continues to tell me I'm honestly, one of the most amazing girls he's ever met. (right, FUEL the fire why don't you?) He continues to tell me no one he knows is good enough for me otherwise he would be introducing me to someone, but what's stopping him is this reason and ALSO that he'd be jealous.

Confused, I should have called him out on that but I didn't. He continues to tell me that he'd love to have me in his life but that he just can't keep himself away from me.. he also brings up the fact that we did have some good times back when we were 'seeing' each other. He made it clear he enjoyed it very much. He also sneaks in the very end of our conversation, "i dunno, maybe we'll try it again sometime, who knows"

Fast forward a few days. I ran into him by chance on my way to work, and we locked eyes instantly. My heart was beating a thousand times a second. We ended up chatting a little before going on our ways - but the whole time I could feel a little tension between us. Not the bad kind, but it was nervous energy... I'd catch him stealing glances at me (we were sitting side by side) and he'd fidget a lot. Small convesation again, a little more catching up - I think we were both just shocked that we had run into each other all this time. Again, he mentions something about getting together to hang.

I believe he is seeing someone currently. Why is he acting this way towards me? Why after 2 months does he have to stir up my emotions again? And why is he talking to me the way he does! The jealousy thing is really bothering me as well... if he is dating someone, he should not be jealous about me with another guy.

Someone please tell me what IS his deal?

I'm curious. What do you think about telling him to only talk to you if there is a chance for you guys to get back together? I want to know if this would be a good idea.

What if you asked him point blank the very first time he emailed you if he was interested in getting back together? A part of me feels like this would have stopped the mystery that revives old relationships, but another part of me feels like it could have given you an honest answer sooner.

I should have asked, you're right. I didn't want to sound desperate. Like I was waiting for him to finally open the lines of communication JUST so I could find out if he wanted to try us again.

Now my huge question is why has he done all of the above ESP. if he is with someone now?

My question is what is your deal to still be talking to him. He's a commitmentphobe who has not done right by you. Go NC and stay NC and put the focus where it belongs: on you. You deserve so much better.

Stop asking questions about him and concentrate on YOU.

Quote:

I found it a little odd he became so interested but long story short, it basically turned into how I still had feelings for him.

You are a good example of false hope, and a little curiosity, leading you down a primrose path you have no business on.

Stop the insanity, or get the same results you had with him before. You dodged a bullet last time, but you won't be so lucky this time.

Not to be harsh, but your getting played. And its you that's allowing it.

He might be regretting his actions. He probably still does not have strong feelings for you, but a friendship with you is probably better than what he has now. He's acting selfish now, because he is messing with your emotions and knows it.

I should have never reciprocated his attempt to break NC after 2 months. I just thought he had truly had a change of heart.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

You are a good example of false hope, and a little curiosity, leading you down a primrose path you have no business on.

Stop the insanity, or get the same results you had with him before. You dodged a bullet last time, but you wont be so lucky this time.

Not to be harsh, but your getting played. And its you thats allowing it.

I agree with Talaniman, with a little twist.

Mallory, the thing to look at is not what this guy is doing to you. You should be paying attention to what you and he do together. What you do as well as he. The dude, no matter what his intentions are, is not operating in a vacuum. You bring the other half of the game, and you play it together.

Chemically, you and he are a 9.5. But you don't really know each other yet and you—appropriately—don't trust his maturity and sanity. More important, you don't know yourself well enough to be comfortable with him.

And yes, he's working you. So far, it seems to have worked just fine. Pay attention and trust your instincts.

Tao

I think that he's keeping his options open.

The stuff about being jealous is just his way of stirring you up and flattering you - it worked didn't it?

He's seeing someone else, but got a bit of a buzz from your response - as you said there was some continued 'chemistry', but he's playing his cards close to his chest.

Tread warily, you don't want to get hurt again.

... okay. Is this normal guy behaviour? Or normal ex behaviour?

From my personal experience it sounds like normal ex-guy behavior. He put his cards on the table and told you that he did not feel the same way. He can now fall back on that whenever he needs to. In other words, if you get emotionally hurt from this point forward, it would be your own fault.

Quote:

Originally Posted by mallorym

....okay. is this normal guy behavior? or normal ex behavior?

Normal for someone with an agenda that meets his needs, and keeps you on the hook just in case. Guys do it, and so do girls. It's a form of dishonesty, through leading you with false hope, and flattery. Don't fall for it. Its always about them, not you.

Some guy I know told me that he was still looking around and was in the dating phase. However! He was pretty much treating me like his girlfriend for the first two dates; kissing me, holding hands, and I'm sure he wanted to go back to my place for sex.

I felt that he was a bad boy and a player because 1. he told me that he wasn't looking for an involved relationship 2. I felt that he was wanting sex because he was acting all horny.

I mention this because you have to listen to what they're saying. Your ex is basically telling you what the person in my story told me. That they don't want to develop feelings and that they would let someone else have you. Though, they tone it down with other "false hope" in the mix. I guess they do it to "soften the blow" which is in other words a "mixed signal."

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Normal for someone with an agenda that meets his needs, and keeps you on the hook just in case. Guys do it, and so do girls. Its a form of dishonesty, thru leading you with false hope, and flattery. Don't fall for it. Its always about them, not you.

Thanks. All that he's done through breaking NC this time has pushed me further away. I'm sure he didn't want that, but I decided after all this, that if he really, truly wanted to be with me he would've let it be known, and make it very obvious. I see now, he was looking to boost his ego, and I almost fell into that trap. I'm starting NC again, and this time I've removed him from msn and other social networking sites. (something I didn't do previously)