Ask Me Help Desk - Want to leave husband & keep children

I have been with my husband for 8 years now. We were pushed together. We were playing around, ended up having sex and I became pregnant. So he asked me to marry him. It was the right thing to do. We now have 3 children. 7, 4, and 2. I don't want to be with him. I have regretted our relationship. I don't regrett my children. They are my life. I am a stay at home mom. I have been since my oldest. My husband has an anger problem. He has abused me. I was 7 months pregnant with my second child and he chocked me out till I passed out. This has happened many times after that as well. He has repeatedly hit me. He has even gone as far as ripping my clothes off to rape me, but never followed through with it. Always saying he was sorry, he won't do it again. He was such a nice sweet person when we first got together. It was like a switch got turned off in his head. I have actually become scared of him. He has threatened to kill me if I left him. Threatened to kill or hurt anyone that was to help me. Family, friends. He tells me to leave but that I can't have our kids. He is mean to them, other wise I would go and get a place and come back for them. But I am scared that he will say that I abanded them. I would not know what to do without them. He has burned the ties that I did have with my family. They won't help me. His family knows how he is, but they think that this is something that we have to figure out as a couple. Half the time I can't stand to be in the same bed as him. Sex sucks. I just can't get pass the hurt that I feel inside from him. He tries to be sweet, but all I can say is "yea, ok". I don't love him anymore. I truly am not in love with him either. I just want out and I want my children. I don't know what to do. I need out. I want out. I don't want my children to see what he does. But I also don't want to lose them.

Well if you can get away to speak with a lawyer I would suggest that. But on the other hand he is abusive and you should not be putting yourself or your children through this one second longer. Find a shelter and take your children and go there. You will have help, you will meet other women and they can be your support team since your family has backed away. I suggest doing quickly. If he choked you until you passed out, what if he does it again and you don't wake up this time? Yes, scary isn't it? Rude of me to say yes it was. But it's the reality your living. Do you want your children left behind with this man? What would he do to them. You need to just get that one ounce of courage and take the children and go. Just go for all your safety.

I would talk to your local police department and they can get you the help you need with the different agencies that offer help to you and your kids. They are there to help you, let them. You don't want your children growing up in that situatuion. These agencies offer so much help from legal help to help finding a house. Let some one help you and make a change for your family.

Hey think twice before taking any legal option friend as you are blessed with kids .

It would be quite obvious to anyone, including officials, lawyers, counsellors, etc. that you are married to a man who is extremely violent, therefore, your kids are in danger. I cannot imagine anyone thinking that your children are better off with your husband for obvious reasons.

It will NOT get better. You cannot provide a safe, nurturing environment for your children, or yourself, with this man.

If you choose to stay, you could very well end up like many women who have died at the hands of abusive men. One of these days he will choke you a few seconds too long, and you won't just pass out, you'll be dead.

Then what will happen to your children.

Abusive men are a dime a dozen. Any women's shelter won't hesitate to help you. You only need to decide to go, take your kids, and get out. Don't think that your situation is unique, it isn't.

You have an obligation to protect your children. Don't kid yourself into thinking his behaviour goes unnoticed by them. They are affected, and the longer it goes on, the more they will be affected.

There are resources for you that you need to check out.

Can you explain why you would stay, knowing that there is a better life for you and your children, with the help of women's organizations, just around the corner?

What keeps you there. Seriously. No excuses.

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I just want out and I want my children. I don't know what to do. I need out. I want out. I don't want my children to see what he does. But I also don't want to lose them.

I think you should talk to social services, or a woman's shelter, for some guidance to get away from this situation. Safety, and support are the things you need right now. Good Luck!

So you be sure you have called the police on the abuse ( you have to prove it or it is merely your word against his)

But you leave him and take the kids, so he threatens you, many men do, so you just leave because he is doing that.
You have or get legal aid to help with an attorney to file for divorce and child support

First, he won't change... take it from someone who knows. Second, he's threatening to hurt you if you leave because he knows it will keep you there. Third, DO NOT leave those kids with him!! That is the worst thing you can do. You don't know if he'll take his anger out on them.
The best thing you can do is document the abuse... if you haven't filed a police report, then possibly get some hospital or doctors records to prove that he's abused you. I would contact the police, let them know about the threat and get a restraining order. Its good to get as much of this on record as possible.
Take the kids & leave to a shelter. Then file for divorce. The judge will not likely give him custody due to his abusive nature but if you leave them there, then you'll be fighting HIM for custody...

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Originally Posted by talaniman

I think you should talk to social services, or a woman's shelter, for some guidance to get away from this situation. Safety, and support are the things you need right now. Good Luck!

I'm not sure where you live, if it's a small town be careful you don't know what you husband has told people, he may of made you out to be a monster. Make plans follow threw with them, make sure you have a real friend to help you social services will help.also keep a record of everything that happens to you. Dates times where and his reason, then you will have proof, also take picture of anything he does to you, make sure you hide your proof where he could never find it. Your kids already know what's going on. They need as much as you do. Good luck!