Ask Me Help Desk - Unstable step mom

My daughter has a step mom that I can not get along with. This has been going on for 4 years. She and I are from different classes, and she is jealous of me even though he has lived with her for 4 years now. I recently referred to the father of her kids and "dad" and it infuriated her. She then goes on Facebook and posts that my ex husband "stood up and did the right thing when I referred to her ex husband as dad, by telling her kids that he is their dad now and that he loves them as much as his own child.

So again I am painted as a mean crazy lady, but in my mind I can't see how referring to the biological father as "stood up and did the right thing when i referred to her ex husband as dad, by telling her kids that he is their dad now and that he loves them as much as his own child.

So again I am painted as a mean crazy lady, but in my mind I can't see how referring to the biological father as " is wrong. I'm afraid that my daughter associating with this woman and our constant bickering, will harm my 8 year old daughter mentally/emotionally. I really don't want my daughter to spend time with this low class woman. What can I do? I truly believe she has severe insecurity issues, and that we will never get along, which puts a heavy burden on my little girl. My daughter needs her dad, but she does not need another woman in her life. HELP!

You need to learn how to ignore her. Fighting with her she wins because she paints you as the crazy lady.

Figure out ways to just stop her dead in her tracks by not letting her get to you. She makes a nasty remark. You reply I am sorry you feel that way. She wants a reaction. Don't give it to her.

Quote:

Originally Posted by shstevens

My daughter has a step mom that I can not get along with. This has been going on for 4 years. She and I are from different classes, and she is jealous of me even though he has lived with her for 4 years now. I recently referred to the father of her kids and "dad" and it infuriated her. She then goes on facebook and posts that my ex husband "stood up and did the right thing when i referred to her ex husband as dad, by telling her kids that he is their dad now and that he loves them as much as his own child.

So again I am painted as a mean crazy lady, but in my mind I can't see how referring to the biological father as "dad" is wrong. I'm afraid that my daughter associating with this woman and our constant bickering, will harm my 8 year old daughter mentally/emotionally. I really don't want my daughter to spend time with this low class woman. What can I do? I truly believe she has severe insecurity issues, and that we will never get along, which puts a heavy burden on my little girl. My daughter needs her dad, but she does not need another woman in her life. HELP!

What do you mean by you are your daughter's step mom are from 'different classes'. Are you implying that she is jealous of you because of your 'class'?

You say you don't want your daughter spending time with this 'low class' woman. Why are you, as you say, 'constantly bickering' with her, after 4 years?

Just my opinion here, but maybe your attitude that your daughter has a heavy burden because of all the bickering between you and the step-mom, is an issue that you have to resolve by being less critical and more accepting of your husband's 'new' wife?

You seem blinded by this 'class' thing, and that somehow you have the right to be disrespectful of this woman to the point of engaging in petty bickering on Facebook.

Not knowing her side of the story, I can only say that if you were to put your daughter's needs first, attempt to be civil toward this 'low class' woman, and perhaps sit down with your husband and her to address issues, and clear the air, your daughter will not be caught in the middle of this mess.

You have many years ahead of a relationship with your husband and his wife, and the longer you keep this up, the more your daughter will suffer the consequences.

It might be beneficial for you to seek counselling, and learn how to deal effectively with her, and in so doing, your daughter will not be caught between this 'class' war.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jake2008

What do you mean by you are your daughter's step mom are from 'different classes'. Are you implying that she is jealous of you because of your 'class'?

You say you don't want your daughter spending time with this 'low class' woman. Why are you, as you say, 'constantly bickering' with her, after 4 years?

Just my opinion here, but maybe your attitude that your daughter has a heavy burden because of all the bickering between you and the step-mom, is an issue that you have to resolve by being less critical and more accepting of your husband's 'new' wife?

You seem blinded by this 'class' thing, and that somehow you have the right to be disrespectful of this woman to the point of engaging in petty bickering on facebook.

Not knowing her side of the story, I can only say that if you were to put your daughter's needs first, attempt to be civil toward this 'low class' woman, and perhaps sit down with your husband and her to address issues, and clear the air, your daughter will not be caught in the middle of this mess.

You have many years ahead of a relationship with your husband and his wife, and the longer you keep this up, the more your daughter will suffer the consequences.

It might be beneficial for you to seek counselling, and learn how to deal effectively with her, and in so doing, your daughter will not be caught inbetween this 'class' war.

She was his drug supplier when they got together. SHe was under Dept of family and children's services for 5 years because she was a meth addict. I say low class because I'm trying to not use bad language on the internet. She is NOT someone I want my daughter around at all. I don't mind saying I can't stand her, I think she is trash and I'm not going to attempt to like her. I am a pro at being civil. I do not air our dirty laundry on Facebook, as she does. I am only writing my complaints here to hear some good advice. My ex husband has tried to leave this woman and she has stabbed his tire with a knife, threatened suicide, and threatened to take action if he or I ever reunited. He is my ex in the regards we do not live together, but we are legally married because he will not give me an uncontested divorce. Being on my own I can't afford to a high priced contested divorce. Counseling... I'm all for it, but my estranged husband thinks it would be a waste of time. People should ask themselves how will this affect my child, before they get with another person... especially if the person is their drug dealer.

Well that paints a slightly different picture!

Where there is a track record of drugs and violence, I would be very concerned for the welfare of any of my kids as well.

You say she 'was' a meth addict, so I presume she's clean? What about your husband, is he also clean? Regardless, with the slashing tire example, there are some issues there that again, would concern me as well.

The obvious question is do you have a legal separation and child custody arrangements in place? Have you talked to a lawyer since they have been together? Has your daughter talked to you about being unhappy there, or do you get the impression that she is well looked after.

I didn't get the impression that your daughter was in danger, or that she has been adversely affected by anything other than the main problem, you and your husbands girlfriend constantly bickering.

I'm sure you have the best interests of your daughter at heart, and with that in mind, why not go to counselling yourself. Allow yourself the luxury of being able to vent, talk, cry, and express all this anger you have. Get some guidance on how to dispel some of this anger, and how to manage your feelings toward her. This type of stress will give you a heart attack.

I am sorry you are in this position, but on the other hand, there are things you can do. You may not be able to change her, or get through to your husband, or stop the trash talk etc. but you can learn how to cope with it so that you are more in control of your emotions.

Please don't take that the wrong way, I'm not judging you here. But, there is a tremendous self-empowering feeling to be able to handle someone like your 'ex' and his girlfriend, without the emotional upheaval to yourself. It is possible to deal with them, without losing yourself at the same time.

If you can change your thinking, and learn how to communicate appropriately without being sucked into that vortex of negativity, and let go of what you have no control over, you will be a much happier person. You can deflect the darts, barbs, comments, and negativity, and learn not to be affected by it.

Every time you swell up with the repeated, relentless thoughts of her, you give up your own power.

Why not try counselling, and go with the plan of learning how to live your life, without being affected by her, or your thoughts of her.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jake2008

Well that paints a slightly different picture!

Where there is a track record of drugs and violence, I would be very concerned for the welfare of any of my kids as well.

You say she 'was' a meth addict, so I presume she's clean? What about your husband, is he also clean? Regardless, with the slashing tire example, there are some issues there that again, would concern me as well.

The obvious question is do you have a legal separation and child custody arrangements in place? Have you talked to a lawyer since they have been together? Has your daughter talked to you about being unhappy there, or do you get the impression that she is well looked after.

I didn't get the impression that your daughter was in danger, or that she has been adversely affected by anything other than the main problem, you and your husbands girlfriend constantly bickering.

I'm sure you have the best interests of your daughter at heart, and with that in mind, why not go to counselling yourself. Allow yourself the luxury of being able to vent, talk, cry, and express all this anger you have. Get some guidance on how to dispell some of this anger, and how to manage your feelings toward her. This type of stress will give you a heart attack.

I am sorry you are in this position, but on the other hand, there are things you can do. You may not be able to change her, or get through to your husband, or stop the trash talk etc., but you can learn how to cope with it so that you are more in control of your emotions.

Please don't take that the wrong way, I'm not judging you here. But, there is a tremendous self-empowering feeling to be able to handle someone like your 'ex' and his girlfriend, without the emotional upheaval to yourself. It is possible to deal with them, without losing yourself at the same time.

If you can change your thinking, and learn how to communicate appropriately without being sucked into that vortex of negativity, and let go of what you have no control over, you will be a much happier person. You can deflect the darts, barbs, comments, and negativity, and learn not to be affected by it.

Every time you swell up with the repeated, relentless thoughts of her, you give up your own power.

Why not try counselling, and go with the plan of learning how to live your life, without being affected by her, or your thoughts of her.

I think you are right. I have a great insurance plan at work, which might afford me some counseling. You said this could give me a heart attack, whenever I hear her false accusations against me or I hear that she says "he is the most wonderful man in the world to take her and her 3 kids and love them as his own" when I hear things like that (even though I doubt them) it causes my heart to palpitate.

I do have some concerns, like when my 8 year old came home recently and said that her dad went and bought himself some beer and the girlfriend some liquor, I thought why couldn't they wait until she went home. There are so many things I can't tell them all, but I will say that she is the only source of dangerous stress in my life. My estranged husband does upset me at times too, but he will put forth the effort so he can continue to see our child. We have a child support agreement, which is in place until we divorce, but we have nothing about visits. I have allowed him to spend lots of time with her. I'm not worried about abuse, but with them BOTH recovering meth addicts and both alcoholics, I only allow day vistis on the weekends.

I am going to see how many sessions my insurance will cover and get some therapy. When I called her trashy before, I was referring to her lifestyle, lack of morals, and constant lying. Thanks for the advice and hopefully there's a good counselor out there who can help me with my issues as well as some advice on how I can protect my daughter.

You need to keep records of all your concerns as well as the dates. If you can prove that she is unfit then you might be able to get supervised visits or no visitations for dad. No guarantee but worth a try.

Good idea as nohelp said, to keep track of things. Sometimes even writing things out will help you vent and feel better.

I can't help but think, what if I were in your shoes. Just picturing 'the other woman' with my ex, knowing the type of person she was/is, and sending my kids over for a visit... I'd be on top of things too, but hopefully I'd follow my own advice and learn how to cope with the emotional aftermath.

Not to mention that some people can just bring out the worst in others. I have met people I've instantly disliked, for no good reason, other than, I just don't like them. Something about their energy or personality. I think it's safe to say we've all been in that boat.

I think you are going to feel a lot better about everything once you get yourself into counselling. Not just about 'her', but just gaining back a little freedom to enjoy your life more.

All the best to you shstevens.

Quote:

Originally Posted by N0help4u

You need to keep records of all your concerns as well as the dates. If you can prove that she is unfit then you might be able to get supervised visits or no visitations for dad. No guarantee but worth a try.

Believe me I do keep my eye on things. I had a hunch I needed to look at her page on Facebook. She writes negative remarks about me all the time. I have never mentioned her on my Facebook. It's like she is using FB as a diary and a way to put me down. She even used my name once! I reported it to FB. Now she is more coy when she talks about me. I don't think I am in the same social circles as she is, so I'm not extremely worried about her hurting my reputation, but still I don't want her talking about me in a way that makes me look bad if someone sees it who knows someone who knows me...

She says to everyone in her community and on FB they are married and she uses his last name. That was enough to make me doubt her mental stability. I don't pretend to be anything I am not, and I am a good mom. I hate it my little girl is caught up into this. Her son the same age as my daughter wanted to take their clothes off and play doctor. I went nuts! She said it was normal. My ex just goes along with her. I think he is afraid to rock the boat!

Enough said. I'm getting some counseling and I'm going to start getting more physical exercise to deal with the effects all this has taken on my physical well being. Thanks for you input!

Her son wanting to take clothes of and play doctor may be normal but that does not mean she should be condoning it and letting it happen. You need to write everything down with dates.
I suspect you need to pick your battles and leave a lot of what she says alone and just consider the source. For one thing you need to quit comparing yourself with her and do your part in not ''putting your daughter in the middle''. Child protective service and the court would take a lot of what you say as spite. You need to go after what is in the best interest of the child, abuse and neglect and leave your differences out of it to get the court to see things in your favor.