Ask Me Help Desk - Break up after 3 1/2 years, but where are the success stories?

Break up after 3 1/2 years, but where are the success stories?

I mean all I see is people posting about how they've been in relationships and used the NC rule but have then moved on. I know tons of people that have broken up with 2-3 even 1-2 years increments but have gotten back together, and even some married for 40 years.

I won't lie. I've been reading all these posts because my girlfriend of 3 1/2 years broke up with me about 4 days ago. I've been talking to her, not really trying to hover over her life right now, but I sit here (maybe had about 10 hours total of sleep so far) and it's 3 AM, and I wonder what girls mean by "I want to find myself". Doesn't this just mean she wants to date other people? I mean lets be honest... My girlfriend and I met when I was a Junior in HS now I'm a Junior in college, but throughout this whole time I've been wondering maybe we met too early? Maybe if she gets gets some time and... experiences what she feels she missed out on, love will come back to you.

So where are the success stories? This board is depressing - I know I shouldn't look for hope.. but

Mini story to summarize my issue here:

1st year: She went 1 month to italy for learning purposes.
(I don't like that fact that teenagers drink, they use it as an excuse to have fun)
She ends up drinking in Italy
I ask her if she did drink or maybe done anything she should tell me about?
"Nope"

2nd year: No problems, no fights, you know, the basics you'd look for (seems pretty
honest)

3rd year: I'm in college, she's in high school, she gets close with people, so what?
I find out she's been talking to another guy, sat with him on the bus on a 4 hour
trip to NYC. I don't care, everyone loves the feeling of meeting people, you
know?
She graduates, we're happy and
We spend a week on vacation and realize how good our life is
Now.. this is where it goes downhill - she confesses about the 3 year lie.
I get really angry with her, because even though she confessed, She should
have done it about 3 years ago.
Our relationship gets pretty bad. I don't encourage her, I call her names from
time to time, and I really don't understand why I did that?
So a few months later this same guy hits a little thing in her life where she feels
that she wants to break up, knowing me I try to talk with her about it.. we get
back together and we move on.

3rd - present year
No big fights, still some mistrust from me, I should have talked to someone
about how I didn't like her lies - but I know she had a good head on her
shoulders, and she only lied to be about the drinking because she didn't want
to hurt me. But when she grew up 2 years later she realized she needed to
tell me.
But where I think this all happened was when she told her friend in December
that if she kept having these feelings she would break up with me. So why did
she not talk to me about it? No idea... I know that talking is the best thing in a
relationship. But maybe she was insecure, I never even opened up with her
about the lies she had before, or even talked to anyone about it. Its bad for
someone to bottle that up inside. Just makes things worse in the end.

Anyway - The break up was pretty random, we spent the night together before that and just smiled, rubbed her back, hung out, watched movies, talked... like we usually do, said goodnight. She texted me and said "your too nice to me, i dont deserve it" *warning sign* Next morning she calls me with that voice.. and we all know the voice. And I ask what's wrong? Sooner or later it happened.

For the past 4 days I've lost sleep, lost appetite, and even haven't realized what happened. She lets me know she "Wants to be friends" - HAH! I hate those words being put together in one sentence. GET REAL. But I ask her what her intentions are. After four years of us not going to parties to drink, and keeping away from that stuff, finding other ways to hang out with friends. She tells me she wants to go drink, party, date other people. Umm? I this just because she's not grown out of that "High school" phase yet?

Lastly : I told her I needed closure, wanted her to say these things in person, she came over last night and for some odd reason she didn't feel distant in my eyes... Sat next to me, hugged me, and for some odd reason we kissed after she left. Is this just giving me false hope, or is there actually a chance we'll get back together down the road?

There is a lot more to this, but probably not the main point.

P.S - The reason I feel like she is just doing this to find another guy is because she had done something like that before. She really didn't get to experience that connection with other people, and now she's taking that opportunity. Sucks for me because we both think we were good for each other. But I hate when I ask her, is there any chance for us in the future. Her reply: "I am still open for us, and I think there still might be somethign in our future, but not for a couple months" Doesn't this just mean she wants to mean another dude? Don't lie. I just sit here wondering why she would have kissed me, why should would even talk to me, why she would sit next to me or hug me when she wants to break up?

Ah you know what, never mind. I just read
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ed-123862.html

Little crazy how I know 4 people personally that have gone through my problem and gotten back together, but its also true that I know about 30 or more that haven't, so... High hopes are just not what I should be thinking about. Still, wish she wouldn't give me signs.

Good way to have her stop giving you signs is by going NC.

You keep talking about how you think she's leaving you to see someone else. Why would you want someone back after that?

You know four couples that have gotten back together, and thirty that haven't, in a similar situation. Give it another year, that'll be at 3/31, another, at 2/32, few more and all those couples will no longer be together. You're young, relationships out of high school very rarely last.

Do people break up and get back together - yes
Do people break up and stay broken up - yes

The only way a relationship can work after a break up, is to talk about the reasons they broke up in the first place. Even if it's been only a month, both people are strangers to each other now and you go through getting to know each other again.

Too many times people immediately think "she/he came back, everything is fine" and try to sweep the problems under the rug, that only creates a hole in the ship, making it flood and eventually sinking.

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Originally Posted by snow124

Good way to have her stop giving you signs is by going NC.

You keep talking about how you think she's leaving you to see someone else. Why would you want someone back after that?

last.

Well because she did want to experience life, and I don't blame her for that. But does that mean she just didn't love me enough or because she felt like she needed to do this to figure out if it was truly right? I really do not know. I've read every darn thing on this message board about how to cope with it, but now in the 5th day I just don't see how you guys do it. I almost feel like you lie to the board and say you made NC but really.. you did. Whether it was a single text or what not. But now its been 18 hours for me with NC, seems like a darn lifetime.

By the way, all the ideas of like seeking old friends and stuff to help with it. Yea all my friends work constantly, almost 6 days a week and when they don't work they are with their girlfriends. Every single one of them. So I don't know what to do - I just like everyone's comfort. Because if you lost love somewhere, people give love by comforting you. That's the same thing I think

Quote:

I've read every darn thing on this message board about how to cope with it, but now in the 5th day I just don't see how you guys do it. I almost feel like you lie to the board and say you made NC but really.. you did. Whether it was a single text or what not. But now its been 18 hours for me with NC, seems like a darn lifetime.

Your still fresh from a break up. It takes a lot of time, and hard work to get through the healing process.

Quote:

By the way, all the ideas of like seeking old friends and stuff to help with it. Yea all my friends work constantly, almost 6 days a week and when they don't work they are with their girlfriends. Every single one of them. So I don't know what to do - I just like everyone's comfort. Because if you lost love somewhere, people give love by comforting you. That's the same thing I think

Need new friends? I think when the shock wears off, and the emotional dust settles, you will regroup and rebuild.

I'm at the "anger stage of catastrophic event" and I just want to beat the crap out of things. Does going to a batting cage or golfing range and just creaming the crap out of something help anyone? I feel like some steam needs to be let loose

Update: One of my old friends (who happened to become an alcoholic) just texted me and said "Guess waht i'm doing?" "I'm checkin out your girlfriend in a 2 piece... oh woops, nip slip"

This whole time I'm thinking.. Did she honestly after 4 days go to a party and start drinking?

First reaction... I called her... I have been doing good all day, not even thinking about her.. then this

Turns out she was telling the truth, she just went to state track and she was just in the pool. I had no idea he was going to be there, turns out his younger brother is on the state team.

My friend just gave me apologies and had no idea. He didn't know what to say.

What do I do? I called her... I feel like I broke my promise that I would leave her alone this week. I wan't to explain what happened, why this incident happened. Do I give her a single text explaining it?

DO I ask my friend to explain it to her?

Help.. fast

Well. Just letting everyone know, I texted her to explain that it was an overreaction and explained what happened.

I know she won't text me back, and it may have put a dent in anything that I may have had. But I felt the need to explain this. I was going to give her the space and time, but I did not expect to hear something like that at this early in our break up. I felt like I sent this text to me, so that I knew I was trying to respect her wishes, and hopefully so she knew that. Everyone can understand like something like this can happen.. right?

I really shouldn't have called her.

Quote:

Everyone can understand like something like this can happen.. right?

Right, as long as you know its only your lousy excuse.

Quote:

I really shouldn't have called her

Ya, think?!

Did you learn anything?

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Right, as long as you know its only your lousy excuse.

Ya, think???!?

Did you learn anything?

I like the sarcasm, but it's true. It's sarcasm because you know how it goes, when people going through it have doubt, you just sit back and know it will be all right. Damn you sir... damn you.