My boyfriend and I have been together for 4yrs and we are still dating. I only see him maybe twice a week. Admittedly we live about 40 minutes away from each other and have for the majority of our relatiolnship.. which to me makes me want to live with him so that we can be closer and see each other more. He says that he wants to marry me and he wants to be with me but every time it comes down to us actually moving in together or taking that next step he finds another reason to put it off until I get really upset and then he will take a small step forward towards us either moving into our own place together and he will make all the promises in the world about us getting married. We are currently both living with our parents but I am extremely unhappy with this while he seems perfectly fine with his living situation. He first told me that he wanted us to be married with in a year over 2years ago now. I feel like after four years he should want me to be with him more and instead I see him just as much if not less than when we first started dating. I feel as though if he really did want to spend the rest of his life with me he would have made sure that I was definitely going to be his by proposing or moving in with me prior to this point. I have just recently moved back in with my parents but before that I had my own place for about 3 years. I am 22 now and he is 23. And the entire time that I had my own place I begged him to come live with me because I felt ready to take that step but he always finds a reason that he can't do it. He always says it is because we don't have enough money... but when I am paying all the bills on my own I don't understand how it can be about that... it just makes me feel so unwanted because every friend I have is married and they have all been with their husbands years less time than I have been with my boyfriend and It just hurts me so much to see everyone else settlign down and me having to beg and drag my relationship forward on a choke chain...

Hurt and Confused...
Teddy

Wow... my ex said the same thing to me after she broke up and cheated on me.

Here is the thing, I was in his situation and I don't if he feels the same way but this was what I felt. Even though you were going to pay for everything, it puts a hit on his pride. He is suppose to be the man but you are paying for everything. So that is one point.

Another might be that, he is comfortable in his situation. And human nature, when you are comfortable why change it? That might be his attitude. I don't know.

You just need to sit down and talk to him about how you are feeling. My ex didn't say anything to me and I didn't. And we did not end very well. I think you should open up the communication and see if he is really serious.

From the guys point of view, I would say just focus on your relationship and not everyone else's. But I know that most girls are looking for that someone and when they found that person, they don't know why that guy did not propose yet.

Personally, I think relationships are balanced by each person being able to determine the "want" from "need."

Do you need more commitment from him to move on with your relationship? Or do you want it because all your friends have it?

Regardless of the circumstances that I'm not aware of, I think you need to decide what you "need" from this guy, and talk to him about that.

If he's not able or willing to help you with what you need (marriage, stability, co-habitation, whatever), then I don't see a point in continuing to agonize over a relationship that is giving you heartache.

Someone can promise you anything he wants. But if that's all he's doing - then that's all he's going to do if you don't ask, talk, and act.

Well, people's actions always speak stronger than their words. Obviously, he doesn't want to live with you or get married at this stage.

He's clearly happy with his situation - the problem is, you're not happy with yours. You're expecting him to solve all your troubles, make you feel wanted and fulfill all your expectations by marrying you.

You met when you were 18 - lots of things can happen in 4 years and many things can change. I don't know if he'll want to marry you in the future - but it doesn't sound as if it's a priority for him at the moment. And why should it be? You're both still so young and you should be out living life and having a great time.

Dragging him to the altar with a choke chain is a recipe for complete and utter disaster. Is that what you want?

I'd suggest that you need to get some independence - if you hate living at home then move. Move closer to where he lives and share with some friends or other young people so it doesn't cost you as much. Start living a life that interest you and isn't based on the ultimate aim of marrying him. You may find that the dymanic in your relationship changes, and you achieve what you want in the end.

Who cares if all your friends are married - the divorce rate for young marriages is incredibly high anyway. Wouldn't you want to increase your chances of success by waiting?

While I think it's wrong for him to make promises to you and not keep them. I can also see his point of view, he is still young and is scared to be out on his own. His parents are his safety net, he doesn't have much responsibility leaving at home. You are asking him to leave his comfort zone, and he may not be ready to do that. What you need to decide is, is this a deal breaker for you?

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Originally Posted by Romefalls19

While I think it's wrong for him to make promises to you and not keep them. I can also see his point of view, he is still young and is scared to be out on his own. His parents are his safety net, he doesn't have much responsibility leaving at home. You are asking him to leave his comfort zone, and he may not be ready to do that. What you need to decide is, is this a deal breaker for you?

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Had to spread rep.

You should consider:

1) Whether giving him pressure is pushing him away. The reason you're so upset is because he made promises that he wasn't able to keep. His promises increased your expectations of when to get married. My guess is that you gave him a lot of pressure, so he just said what you wanted to hear, without following through; thus, the disappointments.

2) Whether him not following through with his promises is a sign of something bigger. I would lose trust in my significant other if she cannot keep her promises, especially of such magnitude. If I were in your situation, I would rather her tell me that she's not ready (i.e. the truth), so that I wouldn't have false hope.

3) Couples get married when they are BOTH ready. You shouldn't compare to your friends around you. Maybe you are ready, but your boyfriend clearly isn't. If it is bothering you so much, then maybe he's not the one for you. I know you don't want to hear this, because you feel like you've committed 4 years to him and it feels too late to start a new relationship. But the fact is, if he can't follow through with his promises, who knows what other promises he's going to break if you get married. It's worse to have a divorce than a break up.

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Originally Posted by UrTeddyBear

...it just makes me feel so unwanted because every friend i have is married and they have all been with their husbands years less time than I have been with my boyfriend and It just hurts me so much to see everyone else settlign down and me having to beg and drag my relationship forward on a choke chain...

Hurt and Confused...
teddy

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Right, so you just want to get married to keep up with the Joneses, and your boyfriend most likely knows this. You may feel unwanted, but if he knows you want to get married just to say you're married, what message does that send him? Allow me, you're telling him that he isn't special and that your future husband could be anyone.

And you know what? If it ain't broke, don't fix it!

I think he should live on his own before you or anybody else marries him.

You sound so desperate to get married that it's scary. I can't blame your boyfriend for wanting to take shelter in his parent's home filled with unconditional love.
Your boyfriend is not ready to marry you. You are still in the dating phase where he doesn't want you in his life 24/7. Think of it like the person that loves babies and will play with them until they start to cry. Who saves them-their parents.

What do you want more? This man in your life or a wedding band around your finger?

If you are happy, which you aren't, then when the wedding takes place is not that important.

You are unhappy in this relationship. Time to communicate with each other about what could make it better/work for you. Hint: Marriage won't make it better.

Sooner or later you will see your wasting your time with someone who doesn't want what you do.

I mean, how many lousy excuses do you need?

Thanks so much for all the wonderful advice... however I don't really think that the baby analogy works in this situation as my point is he's not a baby anymore and he's supposed to want to run to me for help not Mommy and Daddy. Definitely I have got to stop trying to keep up with the Joneses and try and focus on what I DO have. This is something that has been bothering me for a while (I actually googled the title to this post and that's how I found this site) and the fact that he's not quite ready yet is something Im just going to have to deal with... however

Having said that my own desires to move forward and be married are important enough to me that if he cannot show me something to support all of the promises he has made then Yes it is going to have to be a deal breaker because I can't keep putting his needs in front of my own. So I have decided to give it some time.. we had a conversation about this at the beginning of the year at which point I told him that if we hadn't moved forward by the end of the year that I was going to end it and find someone who was ready to share a life with me. I know that this sounds harsh and ultimatums are never the way to go I know but he has told me out of his own mouth that he knows Im not going to go anywhere and that even if the year was up and nothing had changed in our relationship he said that we both knew that it wouldn't mean the end of us and at the time I agreed with him. But I am thinking that now maybe I should just give it a set amount of time. Do everything in my power to encourage us forward and if it still doesn't happen despite my best efforts and even throwing ultimatums that I really should just let it go.


Maybe to stubborn??
Teddy

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Originally Posted by UrTeddyBear

Thanks so much for all the wonderful advice...however I dont really think that the baby analogy works in this situation as my point is he's not a baby anymore and he's supposed to want to run to me for help not Mommy and Daddy.

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Sorry for the confusion, but I wasn't referring to your boyfriend as the baby.

If he isn't ready to jump down that aisle with you, I'm afraid that he's just not that into you. Sorry, but if he were he would. Don't give him an ultimatum or anything, but you either have to decide that you can handle being with him until the girl he does want to marry shows up, or you need to leave him. Remember the old saying: If you love something let it go, if comes back, then it's meant to be. If not, it was never really yours to begin with. If you want marriage, tell him that you are going to wait for someone who shares your views. If he marries you because you give him an ultimatum, he will only resent you for it later.

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Originally Posted by UrTeddyBear

I dont really think that the baby analogy works in this situation as my point is he's not a baby anymore and he's supposed to want to run to me for help not Mommy and Daddy.

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This is exactly why I said neither you nor any other woman should marry him. He shouldn't run to anybody for help but learn to be self sufficient and moving from his parents basement to your puppy isn't going to do it. He's not ready to get married because he's never experienced being alone so he has nothing to offer you other then this mentality you speak of, of being helpless.

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Originally Posted by UrTeddyBear

Having said that my own desires to move forward and be married are important enough to me that if he cannot show me something to support all of the promises he has made then Yes it is going to have to be a deal breaker because I can't keep putting his needs in front of my own.

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I agree you should never put his needs above your own. Having said that, you do not need to get married. That is a feeling.

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Originally Posted by UrTeddyBear

So I have decided to give it some time.. we had a conversation about this at the beginning of the year at which point I told him that if we hadnt moved forward by the end of the year that I was going to end it and find someone who was ready to share a life with me. I know that this sounds harsh and ultimatums are never the way to go I know but he has told me out of his own mouth that he knows Im not going to go anywhere and that even if the year was up and nothing had changed in our relationship he said that we both knew that it wouldnt mean the end of us and at the time i agreed with him. But I am thinking that now maybe I should just give it a set amount of time. Do everything in my power to encourage us forward and if it still doesnt happen despite my best efforts and even throwing ultimatums that I really should just let it go.

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Ultimatiums never work and to his credit he didn't let you waste a year finding that out. He called you on it the moment you said it. [/QUOTE]

I still can't figure out why this is important to you to put on timeline on the rest of your life?
I still can't figure out why you want to marry a guy that has never done a thing for himself? Why has he never done a thing for himself? To me you two have a sticking point on both sides and both side won't budge, but both sides are both right and wrong in certain aspects of the overall issue that is deeper then the issue you are even dealing with.
He's not ready for marriage and neither are you. You talk about entering a adult relationship and then start being whiny when it doesn't go your way. He can't offer you an adult relationship because he's never accepted the responsibities of being an adult. Neither of you have the capabilities to work out your problems as adults.