I have been married for 12 years with 2 kids. I used to love my husband soooo much, till one night he came to me and said I am not the perfect man , I used to do sex with other women for the past years around 15 times , two of them I really slept with. On of them with condom and once without. And most of the rest I used to give them money to get them naked and play for me. Also he is asking me to go to clubs where we can do sex in front of people or may be swing with others.
He fantasies about wanting to see me with other men and I know he really wants to see this. I actually christian religious and won't accept this even if I am not christian my behavior won't let me do it.

Since then I am so confused of what to do , I love him but sure now not like before also I have 2 kids 11 and 6 years and I am very protective about them.

Actually now I feel very miserable since he told me, I always think about him with them and picture him doing it. I am not happy at all. He promised he will not do this again but deep inside I know how he likes sex and not sure about him being able to keep his promise. He still thinks that he wished he married someone who is blonde and prettier than me, though I am pretty with fair skin and black hair and very attractive features but not sure like blondes. He makes me loose myself confidence.
What to do? He doesn't want to go for divorce because it is costy and because of the girls and because he still have some love to me.

I really don't know what to do, if anyone can help... I am dying.
Bored lady

Personally I would say leave him, he cheated on you for a year and were it not for his desire for you to sleep with another man and for you to get involved with his fantasies he may never have told you, and you could have still been in the dark.

He says he will never do it again, but since he kept it from you for a year, and it wasn't quilt that made him tell you, he will probably continue cheating and just go back to keeping it from you.

Even if he doesn't cheat, he clearly said he wished he married someone else, meaning he regrets ever marrying you. To me this is a really clear sign that he doesn't love you.

Wow! I'm sorry to hear all this.
The trust in your marriage will be hard to repair at this point. Are you willing to stay married and get some couples therapy? Is he willing to go??
It sounds like he really isn't happy and neither are you. Will it be good for the children to see you stay in an unhappy marriage?

2 suggestions:

STD test

Lawyer

Too late for reconciliation, you might pay the attorneys by appearing on Jerry Springer

Thanks for everyone who answered me, but RICH111 he has been cheating on me since the beginning , not only the last year. He used to travel a lot and get what he wants from there. This has been since year 2 of my marriage and he also said he did it once before marriage but I was never told.

Is this what you want to teach your kids about how a marriage should be?

How deepset is your martyrdom?

If your religious beliefs preclude divorce, he can find an apartment.

You are an abused wife. These questions need to be answered.

He is making sexual demands and expectations of you, in order to please himself. This makes you uncomfortable, and you have refused.

It is unlikely that his needs will be met by suddenly settling for 'only' his wife. Particularly if he has been able to have his needs met outside of the marriage bed for as long as you've been married, and likely before.

You must be feeling shock and disbelief, and that is totally understandable. This is not a side of him that you would have ever expected to see. The plus side of that though, is that you are aware of it, and although it will take time to really sink in, far better you know the truth now, than in another 10 years down the road.

You must protect yourself. You are worthy of a marriage or relationship that is based on trust, respect, and communication. While you may still love him, that love has been compromised in the worst possible way. He may very well love you, but there are consequences for breaking matrimonial bonds, particularly to such a bizarre degree.

He has never been faithful to you. He has put you in danger of STD's, and he has lied for over 12 years as to his whereabouts and activities, during which time, he managed to destroy the other bonds of marriage.

Please consider having him leave for the sake of your sanity, and your children. You need time to think. Please also consider having a complete physical, and talk to your family doctor about a referral for counselling. Face to face talking will help you deal with all of this mess he has created.

Considering that he has never truly been married, according to the promises he made, and that he has broken his vows since the very beginning, I would seriously think about a legal separation. For that you will need to see a lawyer in order to protect your share of the marital assets.

For now, think of this as a beginning, rather than an end. You have been given an opportunity to make your life better, and you have the strength and ability to use the resources available to you to get you through this stronger than you ever were.

If you choose to stay, and/or go through counselling with him, make sure you have a backup plan, and accept that it is probably more likely than not that history will repeat itself.

Since when are blond's supposed to be beautiful? Angelina Jolie, Megan Fox, Jessica Alba,Lucy Lui aren't blonds.I think you should divorce. Why would you stay married to someone that makes you unhappy. Don't go to night clubs with him and have sex in front of people 1 you're a mother & you have class ,2. this has been happening since the beginning& 3 he does NOT respect you. Do you actually believe he won't do this again? YEAH RIGHT look how long this has been happening. A relationship fails when the other person loses respect for the other.File the papers for the divorce. STOP making excuses about how its expensive and such you just don't want to leave him. Move on and stop making yourself miserable. Kids pick up on their parents moods.. Try not to take anything out on the kids while your upset. I'm sure you don't want your kids thinking this is what marriage is supposed to be. If you do choose to stay with him your just making yourself unhappy & must be happy with sharing your husband with 200+ women. I wouldn't do the counseling thing sorry look how long this has been going on the reason he told you was because he thought you would join him in his disgusting activities. Build yourself esteem and know that you are beautiful & you do deserve to be happy in life. Your kids can't be happy if your not happy.

PS: get tested.

You and your kids will be better off without him around. He only cares about himself and about his sexual appetite. Then he tried to make you feel low about yourself in the process.

This isn't a marriage let alone love. You can't change him or his views.

(((Hugs))) It's quite obvious that you still love your husband, although you are wounded by his actions (understandably so). But you must ask yourself: will you ever be able to trust him again? If not, then you are destined to be miserable forever if you stay. I would not go so far as to say that your husband does not love you, but if the main reasons he wants to stay married are because of the kids and money, I fear this may be the end of the road. Decide whether YOU can live with these circumstances. Even though you love each other, sometimes love just isn't enough. Best wishes.

I would like to thank everyone for the advices, I will move on with my life with my kids. It is just that it is uncommon in my community to be a divorced women and I can't of course say the reason to our friends or else my kids will grow up with a dad's bad reputation. Appreciated...

Hi.. it is me boredlady, I already sent you a question on June 2009 about my cheating husband. He used to cheat on me for the past 12 years of our marriage and then one night he told me about it. I was shocked and in extreme pain and because of my 2 kids , I stayed but was tooooo hurted. He made a promise not to do that again. He used to ask me while in bed that he wants me to sleep with other men and even says their name, I did not feel right about that and when I say, I do not want to say this again, he says that this is his fantasy and that this is what makes him erotic. After 1 year and half, I found out that he contacted an escort service and the lady he picked was not avail in his area. He did not tell me about it, but I knew by chance. I can't trust him again. Period but afraid to take the separation step. What to do?

Either live with it or live without it. You need to choose. One of the problems is that if you do stay you can get a STD from him that could last a lifetime or even kill you.

The first step is always the hardest but trust is paramount to any relationship. If that's gone its over.

I agree with Cal. Trust is the foundation of any relationship without it everything goes south.

You have options such as requesting assistance from your community or your state. You do not have to stay with him.

I see that you have not said that you still love him. With all the negatives why stay?

Stringer

Guess what, now you can no longer hide your head in the sand and hope he changes and the problem goes away. Only by getting a divorce will your problem go away and be solved.

That was the same advice you got before and I wish you had listened then.

talaniman and all who answered me, you are all right. The first step is always hard to take but I have to take it. I delayed it for almost 2 years hoping he will change though there were no sign that he will. Thanks

Yes ple go away from him he is not a good husband to u

Between where you are now, and divorce, leaves a huge scary gap for you, and there are ways to help you feel you are making good decisions for yourself, for all the right reasons.

You already know what is wrong with your relationship; now you need to figure out what is right for your future.

Having blind faith in someone will only go so far. Years of having a cheating parter, will eventually force you to face reality. The wishful thinking that it won't happen again, and your partner will suddenly be faithful and true, becomes a definite no-go.

I'm thinking that maybe this is the crossroads you are at. You have learned to live with his infidelity, and accept it. Many times you have convinced yourself that 'this time' was the last time, and you've allowed yourself to use that blind faith, in order to stay in the marriage.

For whatever reason you've decided to stay all these years, and however you've justified it, has now given way to the reality that, things will never be as you want them to be.

Maybe you stay for comfort, security. Maybe you think that even if he cheats, its really you he loves. Maybe you think its not harming your children. Maybe you think that you can have a good marriage with all the infidelity if you just look the other way.

But reality is slapping you in the face right now, and you cannot run from it for the rest of your life.

Wanting, or thinking that you may be better off without him, does not automatically make that process any easier to accept, or act upon. All the reality in the world cannot convince you to leave him, if you are not ready, or unwilling, to take that step.

If you can accept your life with him as it is, it's time to stop complaining, and accept that you have no intention to leave him. If you can no longer accept your life with him, it is time to make some changes to leave, and learn how to live your life without him.

You know as well as anybody else that there are women's organizations who can help you through that transition. You can start with your family Doctor for referral, and seek the help and support of friends and family.

The ONLY problem here is, you finally making a choice, one way or the other.

Hi Jake,

Thanks a lot for your answer. I live in Mississauga,ON. If you know name or website of organizations that can help me, please send it to me. I really need so much support, and to build self confidence and talk to someone who understands my pain. Thanks again

I'm glad to hear that you are gathering information.

Depending upon what exactly you are looking for, or need more information on where to start, here is a link with many general services to women that should be able to direct you anywhere you need to go:

http://directory.mississaugadirect.i...Organizations/

Because you have two children, you could also contact your local CAS for referral to specific women's organizations and shelters that offer temporary shelter to mothers with children. Those organizations can also give you good information on legal services available to you. And in Ontario, your Family Doctor also has the names of resources available to you.

If you belong to a church, speak to your Pastor/Minister/Priest. They too have, within their own operations, resources and referral for immediate assistance.

I hope you'll post and let us know how you are doing.